Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Lizab on April 19, 2016, 08:28:58 PM
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As some of you know, I've had a hard time since last fall. I finally got on hrt and I believe up to the appropriate level. I feel so much better, energy-wise, physically, and emotionally. I've been getting out more with my family and more active around the house. My last mountain to cross to feel back on my feet was to get out by myself, without my husband or friends driving me. Today I was eager to do that and drive my children to a checkup. I didn't make it. I began to panic before leaving my neighborhood, pulled over to compose myself, knew I would be fine, and went on my way. I made it two minutes on the highway, keeping the anxiety in control, when I began to feel light-headed and felt it was a bad idea to continue so I returned home. Now I feel like a complete failure. I'm not sure why this is happening to me. I'm shattered. :'(
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You will be shattered. Panic attacks take up a LOT of energy. However: think what you actually achieved! You went out, you stopped and got the panic under control before trying again. OK you didn't reach your goal but this is not failure but not reaching your original plan.
Could you have an anti-anxiety pill to take on an 'as necessary' basis? Not to rely upon but knowing it's there might make a HUGE difference.
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Thank you, CLKD. I know I shouldn't beat myself over it, but I really thought I was well enough to carry on and leave the anxiety woes behind. It was a no-win situation. If I continued, I was going to have a full attack. Turning back made me feel inadequate and depressed and like I'll never succeed in having my life back. I am lightyears ahead of where I was several months ago, and I've only been on my current dose of estrogen 3 weeks. These last 3 weeks I have improved immensely, so maybe with a little more time I'll improve more. Truthfully, I was already having an emotional day, but I thought I was strong enough to put my emotions aside and go anyway. You are right, several weeks ago I wouldn't have had the guts to try! But this little vacation from life is getting boring and depressing. I so hoped I could get back out there and move on today. This is not me. The life of a hermit is killing me!
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CLKD is right! This is not a failure! Maybe not what you wanted to do, which may have been a bit too ambitious too soon, but look at what you did do! Well done!
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Lizab, do not feel like a failure! I did this and beat myself up about it all the time. My therapist taught me to be 'kinder to myself' and although it sounds easy, it does make a difference if you try. Just saying to yourself 'all is well' and things like 'well done Lizab' might sound nutty but it works. I also put my hand over my heart a lot now and tell it it's doing a wonderful job and thank it - even when it's going like the clappers at 6:00am in the morning. All tactics to make you less anxious and with practice, do work. Telling yourself you're a failure just adds to it. Read some stuff about self-compassion on the internet - there's loads of info and good reading.
xx
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Don't beat yourself up!!! You've done sooo much since the start of all this! Maybe its too a high goal for now? Focus on feeling a lot better around the house, enjoy your family and your more stable moods before you aim at getting out by yourself on the highway! Little steps! The girls are right - 3-4 weeks is nothing for a regime to work, so be gentle to yourself! I know we are pushed (by others) to get back to our old selfs as quick as possible. Don't succumb to this push! Listen to yourself - everymorning - and figure out truely what you fancy doing ( opposite to what you SHOULD be doing). Forget the word SHOULD. Be gentle and patient with yourself and congratulate yourself for really every little corageous moment! You are already doing so much so soon!
Milamam
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How have you been today, tired?
When I was housebound in the 1990s for 3 months I thought I would never step into our garden again. I have had to learn when to say 'no' and when to take the medication. Yesterday I wanted to go to see 2 friends who were singing locally but my gut began it's old tricks so I decided after lunch that I wouldn't push it. Currently that's the only thing I don't do, that is, go to a theatre or folk club - it makes me really sad but Himself and I do other stuff.
Even 5 years ago I would never have considered walking round Peterborough Antiques Fair ::)
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I feel fair today, not bad and not great. I have been a little nauseated for 3 days, and feel a little heavy in the womb. Perhaps I'm trying to ovulate? By the calendar I'm due to begin progesterone this weekend, but today would be about day 14 since my last period began. I always start before I finish the progesterone. I bet my own hormones are trying to maintain. That could partially explain my irrational anxiety and such yesterday. I do remember when I did have predictable periods that I always had a flip-flop mood day around ovulation where I felt off for a day or two.
What you say about never going out to your own garden resonates. It seems absolutely nuts to me now, but I was in the same shape over the winter. I am definitely improving. It makes me feel better to know that you rebounded from this too. I know women suffer from anxiety in menopause, but when it's disrupting my own life, I feel like I've lost my mind and I'm the only one and it will never get better. I know how ridiculous and irrational that is, but try telling me that when I'm worrying or crying.
Edit: I forgot to mention. Last night, well after I was calmed and cried out, I had the little flip-floppy thing with my heart when I was in bed reading. It's been quite awhile since that's happened. That adds to my suspicion that my own hormones are fluctuating at the moment.
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I've never been aware of my heart ……. nor did I know when I ovulated ::). I was pretty regular in my moods and bleeds though, 28-32 days apart.
Depression can make a person feel helpless. As can panic attacks which lead me to be housebound :-\. I try not to look any further than half a day at a time!
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I think that's what shattered me yesterday. I had fallen into depression from being housebound in dealing with all the anxiety and everything else. It is depressing to feel trapped and dependent. I've been feeling much better and was excited to get back to normal, and it didn't work out, for the one day. It will work out.
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I never let our fridge/pantry run down so that I am forced to go shopping. I try to go to supermarkets when it's less likely to be busy. I always have an escape route from shops, I tend to 'drop by' friends rather than making appts. to visit. It's about managing the day so that there are less opportunities for panic to take a hold!
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Today I was eager to do that and drive my children to a checkup. I didn't make it. ...........I made it two minutes on the highway, keeping the anxiety in control, when I began to feel light-headed and felt it was a bad idea to continue so I returned home. Now I feel like a complete failure. I'm not sure why this is happening to me. I'm shattered. :'(
Lizab - this happened to me about six years ago. I went into a panic four times in one journey along a similar road. I honestly though my last hour was about to come, each time. It made me feel like a failure, too, after the event. I still won't drive on anything other than "ordinary" roads, because I'm scared of being scared! I just think, safety comes first and panicking behind the driving wheel isn't safe. You took control of the situation and returned home. That's not being a failure - that's showing great presence of mind. :)
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Thank you, Dulciana. My children were with me and when I told my son I was sorry but we were going to turn back, he said "That's ok. It wasn't meant to happen today. If you're feeling lightheaded you're doing the right thing. You definitely shouldn't be driving." Of course, he was probably thrilled to be free of his dental exam ;D I'm convinced I could have made it, but stopping every so often to get control, the 30 minute drive in high traffic would have turned to a 2 hour drive! I was totally fine with the anxiety in my chest, but when I started feeling a little light and dizzy, it was too risky. I know people say just breathe and relax, and that's why I did when I was back home, but I haven't mastered turning it off when I have other distractions, like driving.
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That's one supportive son you've got there, Lizab.
D.
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Small steps Lizab, don't try to do everything in one go. I must say you sound like you've made great improvement by even getting out in the car , so give yourself a pat on the back for that. Sometimes it can be two steps forward and then one step back but at least it's heading in the right direction. Well done to you👍
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A little update: my dear friend insisted on driving me into town for some shopping today. I went to the supermarket! It seems ridiculous to be so proud, but it has been months since I could handle a supermarket. I had to pop in a few smaller offices too, taking care of business while I was out, but also managed a big chain hardware store. The hardware store feels huge because I had had a hot flash-turned-panic-attack in there last year just before everything turned bad for me.
Today was a major boost to me in two ways. One, I have been dying to get out and be "normal", and that felt really good. And two, I see now that I'm really not ready to be doing these things on my own and with kids in tow. We did have little ones with us, but with an extra pair of eyes I didn't have to be super-attentive to the kids when I needed to sort of breathe and direct my focus. I had several moments of panic trying to creep in, little "oh my! I'm not sure I can do this" moments. But I never gave in to the feelings, mainly because I thought how silly the whole situation would be if my friend had to manage all of our children, as well as crazy little me losing my mind in the middle of the store. ;D
Where to go from here? I'm not sure. I plan to keep as active as possible and try not to be timid about asking friends to go with me. I do feel like it's all related to menopause as when I feel overwhelmed, I seem like my grandmother. I act exactly like she did. She often seemed overwhelmed, had to leave the store for fresh air, was put off by strong smells of cigarettes or perfume, etc. This is all new for me in the last year. Only a year ago I would have rolled my eyes at her sensitivity to everything. Now I completely relate.
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When I was taking The Pill all I could smell was garbage. After I stopped taking it I suddenly realised that I could smell the roses again, literally. HORMONES >:(
Highly powered smells cause me to react. I no longer go to the Theatre as 1 of the reasons is that all the perfumes and after shaves affect me badly.
Don't worry about asking your friends to join you whilst shopping, as long as they don't go into panic mode, there's not much more than a girl likes is the excuse for a shopping trip ;)
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It's not so much that I hate to inconvenience anyone, though that is part of it, but I feel punished. I can't go anywhere unless someone agrees to go with me. But I'm having more good days so maybe it won't be too much longer of this. I'm keeping a positive mind about it.
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It is what it is? This too will pass. Think of it is progress? Maybe your friends feel good that they can help out.
I prefer being alone in case I panic ::) so there are very few people I can travel with. In case :-[.
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I do see it as progress, CLKD. Most definitely. I don't know how to explain that I was beginning to feel as if my aversion to going out was simply some notion I created in my head and I really have no reason to stay home, but at the same time I have wanted so badly to get back to normal life. I guess the way to say it is that I thought maybe I've been imagining or exaggerating my problem. You know, they say to face it all head on and the anxiety will go away. I did enjoy getting out and felt very safe with my friend because she has anxiety issues too and knows every detail of what I have been going through. Even though I knew I was secure and enjoying myself, I still had to hush my nerves several times. This tells me that it's not something I've created for myself, and since I managed well yesterday hopefully I can practice managing it more. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense. I have had a lot of time to think over these months, and there is lots of pressure to get back out there, you know, "Go out, get out of the house, it will make you feel better" as if I was choosing this hell for myself. I started to believe that. But yesterday I saw that there really is something (physical?) to this, and more importantly, that it's getting better. So that is progress.
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Hi Lisab,
Great job! Excellent progress, great for you!
The key is small steps at a time! Give yourself a praise for every single achievement. Sometimes it angers me that the others, including my husband, don't seem to understand how little steps mean soo much for us - for encouragement and appreciation mostly! Give yourself a pat on the back and celebrate!
When I was at my worst, two years ago, I couldn't go to the subway, couldn't take the kids out, couldn't go in large shops or malls, at one point I couldn't go to the local small grocery! It was trully awful and I was desperate and convinced it won't get better!
But slowly, with HRT, I began to do little ventures - small steps. First the local grocery. I would come back home and literaly say to myself out loud how proud I am that I did it! Then little by little everything else - malls, shops, entertainment for kids, etc. One of my biggest achievements was riding the subway again alone - after almost two years! Remember calling hubby to share how proud I am!
Next : last summer began driving our large SUV again, travelled alone on planes, but everytime, even now, I pause, say how grateful I am and congratulate myself. Sounds funny but I was in a really dark place and I will never forget it. This has made me grateful really for every small thing that I am able to do now!
I am sure you will get there! Just be patient with yourself , grateful for what you can do now snd don't push yourself to do more tgan you are ready for. The readiness will come!!
Milamam
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Thank you, Milamam! The success stories like yours are very encouraging to me. Keeping my eye on the future!
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I have never thought that it was imagination! My first panic attack was at age 3.
For me it's the physicality that floors me so that I am unable to do anything. For a while I couldn't go into our garden, I was unable to go into the village shop and as for going further from home :'(
I stop a while when coping and consciously take it all in. How well I feel, where I am; appreciate the scenery etc..
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This is mindfulness, CLKD! Great for you!
It is soo dismal to try and understand and accept that menopause can change us. I literaly changed overnight from a highly active women whose job was to travel and work alone in the most dangerous places on earth ( Syria, Iraq, Egypt, Palestine) to a shaking nervous housebound ill sick wreck. Not that I am missing my old life but I know I am now more paced and more careful with my emotions and physiological health than I was before. I am more calm and more content now despite Being a stay-home mom now . I then question now whether personal satisfaction really comes from within us and not from the jobs we do or the people we please. There was really so much to learn for me during this journey, and more to come I guess!
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You were living on adrenaline probably so had to experience the 'come down' which can be awful? R U writing 'the book'?
Personal satisfaction can be gained by doing a 'good job' whether it be child raising, animal rescue, journalism, volunteering - I think it depends on how grounded the individual might be and of course, we change depending on where we are in Life's Journey. I would have had more job satisfaction in the NHS had the support from our immediate 'boss' been better than than her scaring us all …….. now I wouldn't put up with bullying in the workplace but at 18 ::).
As I aged I learnt to say 'no' more easily so that no-one is dependant upon me. I'll step up if necessary but with background support in case panic takes over.
It is what it is ;-)