Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: ariadne on January 18, 2016, 08:32:14 PM
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My son is in a quandry. For a while now he and a mate have been looking for somewhere to rent together. My son's mate doesn't drive and although he did live in this town when they first discussed sharing, now works 9 miles away so has to bus to work. My son likes everything modern and had imagined renting a warehouse conversion type place with modern kitchen etc. His mate is not so fussy and just wants to live away from home and nearer to work.
The dilema is that his mate's dad's partner has offered to rent her house to them for a reduced rent as she is moving in with my son's mate's Dad (still with me??) Her house is in the same town my son's mate works in so he could walk to work. So he is mad keen to do it. They went to look at it on Saturday and my son was very quiet all weekend, obviously unhappy and didn't mention it till tonight.
His reservations are that it is a longer and rather unpleasantly busy drive to his work which would then be 10 miles away and would cost more in fuel. It only takes him 10 minutes to get to work at the moment. There is only on street parking in a road of terraced houses with limited space and my son has an expensive petrol guzzling car that he loves. The house only has one bathroom/toilet and my son tends to hog the bathroom with his showers etc. And it's not the modern warehouse type of place he had imagined living in.
Because his pal is so keen my son feels pressured to agree and worried that by saying no to something that his mate wants so badly will affect their friendship and he would feel bad that his mate wouldnt be able to rent it on his own and would have to continue with the bus journeys (difficult because of shifts)
I asked him if he would feel differently if it was a modern flat with parking etc. and he said he honestly didn't know and wasn't sure if it was just the thought of leaving home and everything he's ever known that was worrying him.
He's really pretty miserable about this whole thing now and the lady and her partner want to know by the end of the week if they are going to rent it or not as if not, she may just sell it.
I said it can't be all about whats best for his friend. I suggested he ask if they could rent it on a 6 month trial basis, saying he is concerned about the extra mileage and the parking and would like to see how it works out before committing to a longer period. But he said if he doesn't rent with his mate now, what will he (my son) do. He can't afford to buy, his mate won't want to rent in this town, and if he finds someone else to rent the house with then my son will be "left in the lurch" so to speak, still living at home.
What do you ladies think? I think the fact that he is worrying so much about it shows his heart's not in it but I do understand his dilemma and I know he has been keen up till now to move out.
Ariadne xx
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Talk it over with the friend who may initially be keen but maybe is having 2nd thoughts? Friendships come and go ; they can be important at the time but as we move through Life the dynamics can alter.
If your son is unhappy now, I would say 'no'. After all, the 'new' relationship may not work and the Dad's partner may want to move back! This is about them choosing somewhere together that they both like/compromise over. Not about keeping the family dynamics on a level.
What's wrong with living at home? How long have they been friends? What other stressors have they been through? I have friends who I wouldn't consider spending more than a day with, others I could move in with :-\.
I think he should discuss his worries with the friend initially which will get them into the open. It's not only about renting, it's how they are going to split any finances etc.; if they rent from this woman, who will be expected to do maintenance etc., who will pay for any work, insurances etc.. Is she continuing to pay the Mortgage and will the rent be expected to cover it?
If they rent via an Agent these complications will be explained and hopefully, covered!
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They've been friends for nearly 10 years. I dont think the friend is having any second thoughts - he has lived away from home with a girlfriend before and is very keen on this move.
The rent would cover the lady's mortgage and I understand she has been with my son's friend's dad for many years.
They do need to discuss responsibility for maintenance, insurances etc and ask about council tax cost etc.
My son is quite comfortable at home but feels ready to move out and start to be independent - he is 26 and thinks thats too old to be living at home, although its actually quite common in this day and age of high house prices and low wages.
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There doesn't seem to be any compromising. Your son's friend seems to be "taking charge" which doesn't appear to be suiting your son. Your son needs to state his feelings, hard though it may be. They've both got to like the place etc to make it work, a bit like when we chose our homes with our other halves.
They also need to check that the lady's mortgage company are happy for her to rent it out. Some companies don't approve.
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[quote author=cubagirl link=topic=30721.msg487236#msg487236 date=1453153420
They also need to check that the lady's mortgage company are happy for her to rent it out. Some companies don't approve.
[/quote]
Yes I did mention that to him but I think my son would find it hard to ask that question of this lady who he doesn't know and I don't think his friend would consider it mattered ::)
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A friendship that is adversely affected by one friend saying 'no' to a decision that is wrong for him, is not a true friendship. Your son should go ahead with what he feels right - if the friendship doesn't survive, then it wasn't worth having in the first place.
He needs to decide what his 'must haves' and 'likes' are - e.g. he 'must have' somewhere near work, but would 'like' a modern house. And then explain any concerns he has to his friend. He does need to be clear about his reservations as soon as possible though - nothing more frustrating than thinking you have something sorted and then finding out that your friend wasn't happy with it but didn't like to say so!
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Yes youre right - better to state his reservations ASAP. I will mention it tomorrow.
Thanks ladies
Ariadne xx
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True friendship will survive this.
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It sounds like your son and his friend want very different things, and if they found a rental which suited your son then the friend may have the reservations instead. It's possible that if your son did rent this house then their friendship may suffer. It's also possible that the lady may be willing to rent to his friend anyway, under the circumstances, for less money as it may avoid issues with mortgages etc. I've rented a few times, and actually bought with a friend, but everything was very clear cut legally, however I'd actually prefer to rent from someone I don't know because it makes it more of a business relationship.
He should say something sooner rather than later, and put it in terms of facts, which from what you say would be "it will take me too long to get to work, given the traffic" and "it would cost me too much in extra petrol" and possibly even "I must have allocated parking for my car" (and maybe the insurance will be more in that location or because he doesn't have a driveway) . That way there's less chance of the friend trying to persuade him that it would work.
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Personally I don't think he should even consider it unless it's all done legally. The boys need a proper tenancy agreement, an EPC certificate, a handbook on their rights (which is now a legal requirement), to be assured that their deposit is in a Tenants Deposit scheme, Gas safe certificates etc.
The Landlord will need to notify her mortgage company and she will also have to take out Landlords Insurance.
If your son and his mate don't have the confidence to ask her whether it will all be done legally then I don't think they should be renting anywhere. They shouldn't be swayed by the fact that she's "mad keen" to get things moving. If it falls through then it's not meant to be.
They're daft if they rent without a proper agreement and she's stupid and irresponsible if she thinks she can do it illegally.
Yes, I'm a Landlord! ;D
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:thankyou: ………. ;D
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Ariadne - It all sounds a bit too likely to end in tears for your son.
Getting_old and Pennyfarthing talk a lot of sense.
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If they rent in the town your son is in, then his mate has to bus to work. If they rent in the town the mate works, then your son has the extra journey. One has got to give! Or they rethink the whole idea. That is disregarding the whole loft/house scenario and the on street parking for your son's pride and joy.
Bramble
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Well, my son sent his mate a message earlier tonight to tell him how he was feeling about the whole thing and he replied immediately, was "fine" about it and suggested they go out and discuss it tonight over a meal and a drink so that's where he is right now.
Thanks for all your input ladies, it remains to be seen what they decide
Ariadne xx
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Phew - keep us up 2 date?
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He's back. It turns out his mate suspected it wasn't everything my son had wanted and had decided he would rent it on his own if necessary. He'd been worrying about telling my son in case my son had hoped they would still rent somewhere else together.
So they have agreed that my son can try out staying there for 6 months to see if it suits.
Sigh....... glad that hurdles been jumped! Few more to go yet though I suspect 😁
Ariadne xx
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Ariadne, while this has been a worry, what is wonderful is that your son is able to talk to you.
Both my children are now in their thirties. What I have learnt to do is to relax and trust them to negotiate their way through life. They use me as a sounding board, not a fixer. Sometimes I have fresh insights to put in the mix, sometimes not, but one piece of advice I always give is if you really don't know what to do and it's not life and death, then do nothing. Go and do something else and leave it. Try not to chase the worry. The situation will either resolve itself without your input or the answer will come to you. Don't stress. The situation for your son has clarified. He has choices now. His friendship is intact and he can do what feels right to him. If his choice does not work out, it's all part of life's experience.
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Bet your son never thought that his Mate would be having trouble putting his feelings into words ::)
This is a learning curve that they can build upon: i.e. honesty and openness!
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He's back. It turns out his mate suspected it wasn't everything my son had wanted and had decided he would rent it on his own if necessary. He'd been worrying about telling my son in case my son had hoped they would still rent somewhere else together.
So they have agreed that my son can try out staying there for 6 months to see if it suits.
Sigh....... glad that hurdles been jumped! Few more to go yet though I suspect 😁
Ariadne xx
Did his mate check that the Landlord is doing everything properly?
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Ju Ju - all very good advice, thank you. He's not much of a talker but I could see how miserable he was so I did encourage the chat - left to his own devices he would probably not have talked to me about it. I tried very hard not to tell him what to do, just present the options as I saw them. I'm glad he and his friend were able to talk to each other about it - bodes well for the sharing. Like all of us - if something upsets our kids, it upsets us as well and I was much happier when he came home with a more cheerful face :) What I did try to get across that was the worrying about it is the worst thing and that it's always best to just tackle the thing whatever it may be, as you feel so much better once you take some action.
PF - I share your concern but I doubt my son's friend will be seeing this as a proper rental seeing that the home-owner is his Dad's partner. I have mentioned all this to my son and I know that if he does decide to continue after the 6 months, he will want it doing properly because that's how he is - likes everything just so and legal.
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Glad things have worked out so well. Here's hoping your son manages to find the right place, whether with his friend or elsewhere.