Menopause Matters Forum

General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 06:27:44 PM

Title: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 06:27:44 PM

So many of my casual friends seem to have best friends, people they have grown up with or are just so close to, that they spend time with or care for deeply.I have friends but not sure how many of them care about me truly. Maybe it's a reflection of my life right now that i yearn for a special friend.
 I'm  always there for anyone who needs me and have some lovely friends but they're all so busy and I feel like something is missing. Blimey, I sound like a 6 year old!I moved around a lot as a child so left all my infant and  teen friends behind.
Does anyone else feel this way? Is it too sad that I want a close friend??
jedigirl

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: ellie on December 30, 2015, 07:01:04 PM

I know just how you feel jedigirl, my best friend died six years ago, and although just like you I have other friends, I miss that special bond I had with my best friend. We could talk about absolutely anything, I still miss her , always will  :-\   

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on December 30, 2015, 07:10:16 PM

Friends for me have waxed and waned.  So I no longer depend totally on 1 person other than DH.  I try to have people who will help if it is required.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 07:10:51 PM

Oh Ellie, that's awful for you. Life is cruel sometimes.
I just would like a pal to share shopping, socialising, stories, life with other than my hubby. He's great but sometimes you need a female understanding.
So sorry about your friend xxx

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on December 30, 2015, 07:12:29 PM

Is there a WI group, a Housewives Register, a Rambler's Group close by - getting into a group with similar interests may well open up the opportunity of doing other things.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 07:18:20 PM

I'm not great at meeting new people CLKD, or crowds,half the problem really. Plus hormonal anxiety meant I pulled away from socialising last year and lost some friends who didn't understand.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on December 30, 2015, 07:21:34 PM

Yes, this used to worry me. But in hindsight I wasn't good friends with myself. Now I accept myself as I am. I have a lot of friends who I like and respect and I benefit in different ways. But best friends? What does that mean? What do you want from a friend?  What would you bring to such a relationship? I enjoy my own company. I like to do things by myself, but I also enjoy the company of others, but not all the time. Would a best friend want more from me than I am prepared to give? I don't know. Perhaps I don't need a best friend as I am fortunate to have one in my husband. Your post got me thinking about I used to feel and why I feel ok about it now.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on December 30, 2015, 07:22:19 PM

I had that problem when my anxiety took over - within a week I halved my C.mas card list  :-\.

People now have to realise that if I say yes to something tonight, by the morning I might well be too anxious to go so they have to get on with it without me.  My real friends don't rely on me for stuff but we can enjoy meeting when I am able to do so.

Could you volunteer for the Cinnamon Trust or go into a Charity shop to help with the laundry - meeting people in short bursts which will break up your routine?  You can tell people as much/not as you feel comfortable with.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 07:40:49 PM

Hi JuJu
I guess I just mean someone to be close to, not just share small talk or just be colleagues. I had a close friend as a teen and we shared great times. I love my hubby to bits, we've been married 25 years and still love him deeply but a girl friend is different.
I think my feeling right now stems from having to be there for my elderly Mum, my teen daughter who is struggling with life, my work life which is stressful and not seeing a lot of hubby through work. I feel like everything to everyone with little return.
Is it wrong to want someone else to share good and bad times with , have a natter, a cuppa etc without it being a drama or chore. I think I would be a caring friend.
I had a friend over today, well actually my daughters' friends Mum dropping friend off. I felt like she wanted a chat but didn't feel like it! It felt like she was being nosey asking loads of questions about my daughter! Probably explains my lack of a close pal!
CLKD,
I don't have much time to volunteer, I still work.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on December 30, 2015, 07:47:19 PM

You are spreading yourself rather thinly! Pity you don't like new people as a ramble across the fields, round a town or by a river can be lifting.  How does DH relax?  Is there an evening where you could simply 'be' as a couple somewhere locally?

Is there someone at work that you could walk with in your lunch hour?  Does work have a sports and social club?

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on December 30, 2015, 08:00:14 PM

Yes, my DH is lovely, but as you say, he can't be all things for me or me for him. But I feel the same about friends. That's why I have several friends. But you do need someone to offload to at the moment as you do on this forum. Someone non judgemental and accepting. Someone you can be honest with, who will see beyond the "Oh I'm fine." when asked. At the moment, it sounds it would be difficult to give much to such a relationship, but you can on this forum. If you want, you could exchange PMs with someone you feel comfortable with.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Katejo on December 30, 2015, 08:12:02 PM

Quote from: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 06:27:44 PM

So many of my casual friends seem to have best friends, people they have grown up with or are just so close to, that they spend time with or care for deeply.I have friends but not sure how many of them care about me truly. Maybe it's a reflection of my life right now that i yearn for a special friend.
 I'm  always there for anyone who needs me and have some lovely friends but they're all so busy and I feel like something is missing. Blimey, I sound like a 6 year old!I moved around a lot as a child so left all my infant and  teen friends behind.
Does anyone else feel this way? Is it too sad that I want a close friend??
jedigirl

I know exactly what you mean. I have one good friend but she lives too far away to see regularly and she has her own family problems at the moment. I didn't move round as a child but have still lost touch with childhood friends. I have also lost 2 friends who sadly died very young (around 40). I do try hard to keep in touch with people but it isn't easy.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 08:19:15 PM

CLKD,
I work as a Teaching Assistant so apart from 20 minutes break, it's all First Aid and Special Needs rotas. In fact I'm starting to realise just how little time i have.
Juju,
You're right, I probably don't have the time I should to be a good friend, I would hate to be someone who just takes all the time.
katejo,
sorry about your friends, I guess as we get older it becomes harder to find real friends. I won't give up trying though. Someone out there deserves my brownies!!

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: clio on December 30, 2015, 08:29:06 PM

An interesting post, as we get older friends seem to disappear, I have a few friends but I hardly see them, cant be bothered to be honest, so after reading this post it made me think why dont I want any friends??  I love the company of animals and can chat away for ages to a donkey or a dog.  However there have been many times i have needed a second opinion or advice so thats when a best friend would come in handy but you have to be prepared to be there for them as well, thats the bit I have a problem with.  I think i have answered my own question why I dont have a best friend. :o

Clio

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: dazned on December 30, 2015, 08:44:26 PM

I must count myself very lucky I think as I have two such friends,one who I've been been friends with since we were 5years old,the other one since high school. !
One has suffered with meno,so much so my DH says we must be twins ,we only have to say when trying to explain how you are feeling " oh you know what I mean " and we know that we are understood,so affirming.
The other one hasnt had problems with it but she has been a rock in other ways and it is a different bond with a girlfriend than a husband/partner. Im grateful to have them both in my life. :)

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 08:50:01 PM

That's what I'm talking about Dazned, cherish your friendships! x

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: dazned on December 30, 2015, 08:51:19 PM

I will and I do  ;)

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 09:03:22 PM

Strangely all my kids have stayed close to their primary school friends though now all at comp or above. My daughter especially has close friends of both sexes, thankfully, she needs them at the moment. Having said that we haven't moved around as I did as a child so they've been able to maintain links.
My oldest isn't great at keeping in touch with his but seems to be able to step straight back into old friendships easily. Maybe that's men for you.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Dorothy on December 30, 2015, 09:10:22 PM

Maybe our culture isn't so 'best friend friendly' now.  I read an article a couple of years ago - around this time of year because it was talking about new year resolutions - and it said that if you have known your best friends for more than 6 months you should ditch them and get some new best friends so that your life wouldn't become 'boring' and 'stuck in a rut'.  :o Couldn't believe what I was reading - after 6 months, I'd be thinking that someone was moving from being an 'acquaintance' to a 'friend'.  And out of my 'best' friends, the newest friend is someone I have known for 9 years!

I guess I would define a 'best' friend as someone you can guarantee will be there for you and whom you can tell anything to without worrying about being judged/rejected or gossiped about.  My best friends are all girls I've known for a long time (1 x 32 years, 2 x 27 years and 1 x 9 years)  I see one every week or so, the other every couple of months and the other two hardly at all (one lives in NZ now!) but I know I can trust them and they would support me in any way they could when I needed them.  Of course, its a two-way thing.

I have other friends I meet with for socialising but wouldn't necessarily regard them as best friends - they are just folk I get on well with and enjoy hanging out with.  Maybe at some point one of them will turn into another 'best' friend, but I don't think that's something you can plan or make happen. 

If you want more/closer friends, I'd suggest starting by building on the friendships you have - think of someone you might like to know better and invite them round for coffee/out for a day shopping.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Two hoots on December 30, 2015, 09:10:52 PM

I feel the same, I changed schools regularly and worked with people older than me, so I didn't make long lasting friendships with anyone of my age, it's only the last few months I have felt I'm missing that special friendship too. I lack the confidence at the moment to go out and join a group, but maybe in the future.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Louisa on December 30, 2015, 09:25:24 PM

A best friend wouldn't expect too much of you and would accept you for who you are including your needs.

My best friend disappeared when I was diagnosed with ME/CFS.  I'd known her from being about 4 years old until I was 51.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 09:45:13 PM

Ditch a friend after 6 months Dorothy?  :o wow, that's a harsh article!! I wouldn't expect my friends to keep me from being stuck in a rut! How strange.
I do think you are right about building on the friendships I have. As the kids are getting older and needing me less and less I am realising I need to put more effort into my friendships.
This year I became close to my daughters boyfriends Mum , we just clicked. When the kids stopped going out we kept in touch but naturally she was a little guarded for a while. Lately we have been chatting more and more , she often messages me before work, and seem to have so much in common. She is very down to earth, caring and just a lovely person. I think we can be good friends in time.
Two hoots, I hope you find a friend to share giggles with too.
Louisa, maybe your "friend" will come back although I'm not sure a true friend would leave in your time of need.
I wonder do men have the same need to have a good friend of the same sex?

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on December 30, 2015, 09:57:21 PM

My husband doesn't.  It's been me who has kept in touch with people from our past.  We had a social life many years ago and we did the 'come round for a meal' scenario before we moved here - then I decided that I had grown out of all that.  I know that I can tap on a neighbour's door for help if necessary.  We have people with lots of skill basis close by which is handy.

We have stayed here but friends have moved away.  Some I can pick up with like we've never been apart, others I am in touch with via e-mail.  Some who I was close to have disappeared out of range  ::)

Recently DH and I were suddenly and horrifically bereaved: I sent 2 text messages to my near neighbours to say that we had a funeral to attend but neither has said anything about it ………… I shall for a while keep them at arm's length because I am hurt: and should they repeat rumours I will jump down hard  >:(

As I got older I needed less people around me. 

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 30, 2015, 10:03:04 PM

CLKD, I do find people act oddly around grief. My Stepdad died 8 years ago after a gruelling 6 month illness in which my Mother cared for him at home then my Step brother was murdered 6 weeks later. I found the people that were comfortable to talk with me about it were not the ones I expected. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and find these people hard to fathom out.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Taz2 on December 30, 2015, 10:36:38 PM

I have one really best friend and we both feel that if something happened to either of us then the other one would suffer too. We've been friends for fifty five years with never a cross word. We are very different and yet share this unbreakable bond. We rarely see each other nowadays as we live three hundred miles apart but we text every day and speak a couple of times a week. She knows everything about me and I guess I know everything about her too. We have been through broken relationships the death of a child,nursing our parents through their final illnesses. I have three other really good friends too - two of whom live close to me so we are of more practical use to each other. I really can't imagine being without these four people.

Taz x

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Dorothy on December 30, 2015, 10:47:21 PM

I think some people are so paralysed by fear of saying the 'wrong thing' that they avoid those who are grieving.  Having said that, if you care enough for a person, you can't not reach out to them when they are grieving. 

Good friendships take time to develop.  But once they are there, they tend to last.  They are worth waiting for. 

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on December 31, 2015, 09:57:44 AM

Sometimes you have strong friendships because you are in the same boat, but when you move on you lose contact.

 It's not always the friendships that you would expect to last that persist through the years. What I have learnt is that you do have to work at friendships sometimes. Be prepared to do more of the keeping in contact and not to read into things if you don't hear from them. When you do meet up the years fall away.

By joining a choir, I am developing new friendships that have proved to be supportive.

I am still in contact with my sisters best friend. They were very close and were in and out of each other's houses. She misses my sister years after her death. I envied that ability to let someone 'in' to that extent, or maybe I simply haven't met someone who I trusted and felt didn't judge me.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on December 31, 2015, 11:11:33 AM

That's interesting Stellajane,
I have a large family too, three brothers with large families of their own. In years gone there was always loads of family events, holidays together etc. Now the kids are older, at uni etc gatherings happen less often. Also two of my brothers live further away now.
Maybe that's why I'm feeling I need a pal?

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: babyjane on December 31, 2015, 11:13:09 AM

In the past I have expected too much from 'friends' and they have let me down. I used to be too needy I think and was unable to be a friend.  In order to make friends you have to be able to be a friend. Now I feel ok and don't need a particular friend.

I once wrote a poem that started like this. It is a christian poem so I will not post any more of it out of respect, but it highlighted to me how much I expected too much of others and found them wanting.

Let people be people
They are who I've made
They can't meet your every need.
They're human with weaknesses
Selfishness, failings...........

If you're persistent
In trusting in man
You never will find your true self
For man is a mortal
With needs of his own
Unable in all ways to help.............

I wish you all a happy, friendly and peaceful New Year

Jane  :hug:

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Dulciana on December 31, 2015, 11:57:07 AM

Many thanks for posting this, babyjane.  Oh, what a world it is when we must not post these things "out of respect".........makes me so sad and frustrated.

But friendships - being a twin, we've always been each other's best friend, even though she lives the other end of the country - so I've never really had a best friend outside the family.  Friends, yes, but not a "best" one.  Until my Hubby came along, that is................ :-*

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on December 31, 2015, 12:13:41 PM

Ooh! My icons have suddenly found their Christmas hats! Bit late! Soft ware...... ::)

Perhaps we have to be friends with ourselves first, before being a friend to others and allowing others in?

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on December 31, 2015, 03:33:40 PM

Your hats been to another Party then  ;D

I find that having a good GP, a loving Husband, a reliable Dentist and local Pharmacist helps enormously.  Chatting to neighbours can be enough most days.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: getting_old on December 31, 2015, 04:18:01 PM

I've never really had a best friend, except possibly OH (but that's now over), but never felt like I'm missing anything. I never wanted to invite people home because of my mother so tended to keep people at arms length and it's just continued from there. We've moved around a lot and I've never really gelled with the other wives because we've not had much in common so after a few coffee get-togethers things just tail off. Where we are now I feel like so many of the locals just want to be my friend to get something from me. I know that sounds cynical but one woman I met tried to sell me a mortgage after I'd chatted to her a few times  :o

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Louisa on January 01, 2016, 10:38:06 AM

My friends have gone, the friends I have now are my husbands friends

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on January 01, 2016, 01:17:00 PM

My daughters friends Mum came over for a cuppa yesterday while collecting her daughter. Was a pleasant enough time but she talked about a falling out she'd had with her sister for over 40 minutes and every time her phone buzzed she would stop and answer it  :-X I felt more like a confessional box.
I will chat over anyones problems with them but it didn't feel like a two conversation at all. Not really the type of friendship I want though i would never snub her.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: babyjane on January 01, 2016, 01:44:54 PM

I have found a number of friendships to be very one way, as in I made all the running, phoning, contacting, suggesting and inviting. I couldn't tell whether they really wanted my company or were just being polite so I stopped and waited to hear from them. In the case of some of them I am still waiting which rather tells me something.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on January 01, 2016, 02:57:39 PM

That happened to me.  We are in groups for various hobbies but rarely in touch outside of them.  Other friends that I tried to keep in touch with became hard work.  e-Mail helps a bit.  But I didn't send some cards in November and wonder how many people will contact us to see if we are OK  :-\

I have found in more recent years that people fill different needs at different times.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: limpy on January 01, 2016, 03:05:00 PM

Quote from: jedigirl on January 01, 2016, 01:17:00 PM

I will chat over anyones problems with them but it didn't feel like a two conversation at all. Not really the type of friendship I want though i would never snub her.

What type of friendship do you want, you said at the top of this thread that you wanted a close friendship   :-\

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: babyjane on January 01, 2016, 03:10:52 PM

These days I find online friendships such as we form on this forum are far more fulfilling and less threatening or demanding for me as I can choose the pace I can cope with. I also feel I can be far more 'myself' because I don't feel I am being judged even though I doubt any of us will ever meet in real life.

Friendships I have made on forums in the past, when translated into real life, have not been a success. this forum is a very good 'friend' to me and I thank you all  :hug:

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: limpy on January 01, 2016, 03:22:34 PM

Online friendships through this forum helped me massively when OH was in hospital over the festive period in 2014. Also, when he had his heart procedure done at the end of February last year.  When I was scared and came on here, there was always somebody here to help.

Ok, it wasn't "Real Life" but it helped so so much.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on January 01, 2016, 03:29:33 PM

Limpy,
I do want a close friendship but this lady just wants to rant every time I see her, she rarely asks how I or my family are. As i said I will happily chat about someones troubles but surely a true friendship goes both ways? I know all the ins and outs of her family and i doubt if she even knows that i have three brothers :o she just doesn't ask.

babyjane i agree this forum is great ;)

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: limpy on January 01, 2016, 03:49:11 PM

Quote from: jedigirl on January 01, 2016, 03:29:33 PM

Limpy,
I do want a close friendship but this lady just wants to rant every time I see her, she rarely asks how I or my family are. As i said I will happily chat about someones troubles but surely a true friendship goes both ways?

babyjane i agree this forum is great ;)

Jedigirl - Ah,  so a close friend mustn't be one with their own troubles who is preoccupied, fair enough.
Online friendships might be the way to go, they have helped me a lot in the past

Quote from: Limpy on January 01, 2016, 03:22:34 PM

Online friendships through this forum helped me massively when OH was in hospital over the festive period in 2014. Also, when he had his heart procedure done at the end of February last year.  When I was scared and came on here, there was always somebody here to help.

Ok, it wasn't "Real Life" but it helped so so much.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on January 01, 2016, 04:00:03 PM

 ???Oh come on Limpy, I've known her 4 years and she's had plenty of troubles that I've been very supportive of. Does the close friend thing not apply to her too, that she might notice when I'm struggling? Sigh.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on January 01, 2016, 04:55:54 PM

Friendships can become habitual though.  Some are givers, other friends drain the energy from us.  It takes skill to be a good listener ………. moaning can become a habit (Mum does it all the while  ::))

Someone used to moaning to others will not be a listener, their problems will remain more important than yours.  Which is where professional counselling comes in …………

Many years ago I went to see a friend because I felt ill - she met me at the door with "and you think you've got problems!" and went on about how difficult it was to sell her house.  That was in 1991 and she hasn't to this day, asked me why I went to see her  :'(.  I backed off after that.  I have been to see her more recently but for old times' sake rather than expecting anything more.

4 years in the big scheme isn't actually long.  Especially if a person needs to vent, I would by now be pointing her in the direction of her GP for counselling  ;).  It also depends on what is happening in my Life - for 2 years I've not seen a few friends due to my anxiety levels being raised - it was easier not to make arrangements because it meant I remained stable.  One of those friends died suddenly on 3 December and I had no idea that he was so ill  :'( - but my anxiety meant that I could not be relied upon to offer support.  It's swings and round-abouts sometimes  :sigh:

Only by joining a group or volunteering is a person likely to meet new people with which to converse.  Only then can 1 judge if that person is suitable as an acquaintance or is likely to develop into a friendship which can take weeks or sometimes years.  Some Charities have people who regular visit those living alone as a 'befriending' scheme ……… some people go to help children read in school …………

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Dorothy on January 01, 2016, 06:47:14 PM

The level of give and take in a friendship will fluctuate over time.  When my father died 2.5 years ago, I was 'taking' most of the time from 3 of my closest friends.  Now all 3 of them are going through traumatic times so I am 'giving'.  I know when things get better for them, they will start giving more, just as I did.

But if a friendship is consistently one-sided, it's not healthy.  If you've been friends with someone for 4 years and they've always been taking, they are never likely to give, unless they have some major help changing their worldview, because they see their own welfare as more important than anything else.

I'm someone who is naturally a giver and I used to find it really hard to go into 'take' mode.  But I've learned it's important to both sides of a friendship that we both have the opportunity to be givers.  Denying someone else the opportunity to give can actually be quite selfish in a weird way!  People tend to think of one-sided friendships as being one person always taking...but one person refusing to take can also make friendship one-sided!

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on January 01, 2016, 06:59:52 PM

… and don't get me started on narcissistic 'friends'  >:(

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on January 01, 2016, 11:08:58 PM

Dorothy makes some good points. By refusing help and support from someone you have supported can be very hurtful. It's the same when not accepting compliments from friends.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Dorothy on January 02, 2016, 11:48:07 AM

Quote from: Ju Ju on January 01, 2016, 11:08:58 PM

It's the same when not accepting compliments from friends.

That's the thing I find hardest.  Never used to able to accept compliments, but I've improved...I now accept them - through gritted teeth!  ;D

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on January 02, 2016, 02:34:12 PM

I thank people now and don't try to downplay things. I now realise that's insulting to the person who's complementing.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: clio on January 02, 2016, 04:17:49 PM

Except with the grace its given!

Clio

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Hurdity on January 02, 2016, 04:34:59 PM

This forum's great I agree - especially for menopausal issues, but nothing can ever replace the lovely warmth of real life contact from true friends. The sincere but anonymous online support given by many women is truly amazing, but chatting and/or meeting friends where you can hear their voices, exchange eye contact and just sit and relax over coffee or a drink (or at the school gate - whatever), whether giving or taking, is part of our rich experience as human beings, and it is very sad if anyone cannot find any joy this way.

I'm not sure if I have one best friend as such although the friend we went to see yesterday probably fulfills that role for me as we have known each other since university days and can say anything to each other - but only meet about 3 times a year, although was much more frequent when our children were growing up. I have several other close friends around here who I feel very at ease with and can also talk freely with - although most of them I only see every few weeks or sometimes months, and I have a friend I have known since I was 9 but we only meet every few years!  I have quite a number of long-standing friends from my early 20's whom I only see occasionally (keep in Christmas card contact) but when we meet there is still that closeness and ease borne from shared experiences many years ago. Conversely I also have friends I have met relatively recently and whom I feel a bond with and also feel at ease with. I have a neighbour who is also a very good friend and have known for 30 years and would always be there for me - as would her husband for my husband!

I have never felt the need to have just one person whom I can speak to every day or every few days as all my friends collectively provide all I want from a friend - and I hope they feel that of me too.  I've never worried about a close friend talking about themselves a lot because it depends where you are in life and what your needs are at a particular time, but also perhaps why you were friends in the first place ie whether there was something in common that brought you together?

It's never too late to find and make new friends and especially important I feel as we are at this stage in life, when female friends are very precious. Don't give up :)

Hurdity x

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: spiritguide on January 02, 2016, 04:39:30 PM

Hello all. It's been interesting and heartening to read this thread. I yearn for the coffee and chat friendships on a regular basis but everyone is so busy...work, family, etc. I suppose I manage with texting and now using Facebook, and sometimes meeting a person in real life!

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on January 02, 2016, 05:07:48 PM

Volunteering can give that if 1 has time.  I manage to strike up conversation where ever I go  ::) if we are in a Cafe for example and people share a table.  Or out walking and I meet a  :scottie:

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on January 02, 2016, 05:11:26 PM

The forum does provide the opportunity to clarify your thoughts and to get feedback and advice. Because of the anonymity it is easier to be honest. I have the tendency to say I'm fine, when asked by friends, when I'm not, as I make the assumption that others do not want to hear the ins and outs of how I'm feeling. One good friend does raise her eyebrows and comment "Really? You're not are you!" On here I can be honest, without feeling I'm wingeing or imposing on people. Also some of my health issues are embarrassing.

 One of the benefits of joining a small choir, where we practice in each other's houses, is that after singing, we sit and chat over tea and cake. We agree that friendship as much as the singing is so valuable. I do ask friends around for tea and cake.

We also have 'Potato Evenings'. I don't particularly enjoy cooking or want the stress of cooking or worry whether the food I serve is ok. We bake potatoes and serve accompanying bits and pieces, eg salad, prawns, cold meats, cheese, coleslaw, tinned chilli, baked beans etc. This has become so popular, as you can pick and choose what you want, easily cater for food allergies, without it being a big deal. So much fun and different friends choose different things to accompany the potatoes. Alcohol is optional. We seem to have started a trend round here. It's often just a matter of inviting friends around and not waiting for others to invite you. By not going over the top, it's comfortable.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: BrightLight on January 02, 2016, 05:16:18 PM

This is an interesting thread - I think I have always yearned for a best friend, but in truth I think I prefer a mix of friendships.  I have felt isolated at times in the past few years, mainly as I started working at home, many of my friendships have sprung via work or University when a lot of us moved to the same city.  Over the years having families and returning 'home' to their roots changed my circle of friends from University days but I am still in touch, but not on a day to day, in my life sort of way.  I have many aquaintances I guess, but not many very close friends that I could feel happy sharing really difficult times, but I think that is personal to me as well, I tend to work things out alone for a while and then perhaps reach out to explain when I am past the 'crisis' point - I think my friends are similar and would share troubles when they feel ready.

I have friends associated with interests as well, but really, I don't have the kind of girlfriends I used to have, where we would go out, have some fun, chat for hours over coffee.  For me, I really think it is because I don't have children and at 45 many of my friends are still very much in the throws of family life.  I am hoping to spread my wings socially a bit more this year - I am naturally an introvert and prefer one on one chats, so we shall see how I get on.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: CLKD on January 02, 2016, 05:18:35 PM

Sounds like a 'housewife's register-type group.  Where ladies join together without children/spouses monthly in someone's house.  But it got too 'rigid' for me, OK to serve coffee/tea/cake but then others began home baking or doing pizza so I stopped attending. 

Don't forget the Cinnamon Trust or AGEUK befrienders, volunteering ideas as a starting point. 

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on January 02, 2016, 06:01:21 PM

Brightlight, there's nothing wrong with being introverted. You don't need to be in the limelight as you have your own inner light!

I feel fortunate that I don't need to be around people all the time. I enjoy my own company. Being alone does not mean I am lonely. It's having a balance.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on January 02, 2016, 06:12:35 PM

Ju Ju
Love the potato night idea ;) sounds like a fab idea
I do have many casual friends associated with areas of my life, parents of my kids friends, work colleagues, partners friends and they have always meant a great deal to me, they are part of the web of my life in their way. I often wonder if having three brothers and living in a pub most of my childhood meant I have an unfilled yearning for female company!
I have become much closer to the mother of my daughters ex boyfriend. She's been so lovely about my daughter and I've been chatting with her about her own weight issues which i know she is feeling very low about. I feel privileged that she's sharing some stuff with me and I her. Strangely we got on the minute we met despite being quite different. We both commented on how easily we clicked . I held back at little at first, unsure whether we were just connected through the kids and what might happen when they split. I am enjoying her friendship very much, especially this holiday.She shares my love of tea and Prosecco! I think it may be the start of something special! my husband thinks it's hilarious that I'm so pleased when she texts!
When the kids were younger I used to go to playgroups etc but never found small talk easy so always felt awkward and they often seemed cliquey.
Whoever my friends are, casual or close I value them for who they are and vow to concentrate on them more this year.

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: jedigirl on January 02, 2016, 06:18:35 PM

Brightlight
I am a natural introvert too, find groups of people too much, I always want to shrink and find very confident people overwhelming. I much prefer a one to one chat xx

Title: Re: Wish I had a best friend
Post by: Ju Ju on January 02, 2016, 06:56:24 PM

I tend to avoid cliquey groups of people, as they tend not to be open.

I feel privileged when people confide in me. I'm not a leader and have no wish to be one, though I am capable of leading if there is no choice. I thrive in a supportive role and as part of a team. I have learnt the skill of listening, which takes the strain from social situations. Most people enjoy talking about themselves and it is interesting.

We get on very well with our DD's partners parents and get together regularly. His mum and I share an interest in amateur dramatics and go to each other's plays.