Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Babsm67 on August 30, 2015, 07:20:37 PM
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Hi, i have posted on other threads here & was recently in turmoil over making a decision about whether to stay in education as a TA or to go over to a retail job. I had a breakdown in Feb/March whilst in my former TA job due to the horrible atmosphere there & other issues which finally pushed me out. After volunteering through the summer in the local hospital & in a charity shop, I felt I should work with the public & go into retail. (I had been offered another TA job for September but had been increasingly anxious about it as I was told a new Head would be coming in & it would be for more hours than I originally thought). I was offered a supermarket job a couple of weeks ago & started it properly last week after turning down the TA job as I felt I wouldn't cope. I did a list of pros & cons & felt it was right to reject the TA job at the time.
Now I am thinking 'What on Earth have I done?'. I wanted to help people with their enquiries like I did at the hospital but there isn't time for that as everything has to be done so quickly because I am on a checkout all the time. My mood has plummeted & I wish now that I hadn't turned the TA job down - I just cannot seem to make the right decision & feel so useless. Just feel exhausted and keep crying. I know I could have much worse problems but I cannot seem to get things right. Along with a host of other symptoms, I now keep waking up in the early hours & instantly feel 'jittery'. The anxiety is crippling me again. I do have a few diazapam tablets for 'emergencies' but I daren't take one the night before work as it would make me feel groggy (and I have to get up at 5.45am on Weds). I took a BB last Weds but ended up feeling exhausted. I don't expect a mirac!e - I think I just needed to vent how I feel at the moment - just had palpitations as well; felt like my heart was pounding in my throat. Didn't feel I could cope with the planning at home as a TA but now feel I should have given it a chance. There were other factors such as being tied to school holiday times which would have hit my husband's pocket hard in the summer (my last TA job was in a private school which broke up a fortnight earlier in the summer). Just reading what other TA's have said in another thread on here has made me realise how much I enjoyed working with the children (it was the other 'politics' etc.. that was the problem). I don't know what else I can do now as it is too late. My mind isn't my own anymore (sorry if this sounds self-indulgent) :'( X
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Ps. Just want to feel normal again & get my sense of humour back :sigh: X
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:hug:
Madbloss
Really feel for you ,take one little step at a time. You have a job so for now concentrate on that one until you are more settled in yourself then start to explore other avenue. What if any medication are you on? Be gentleg with yourself,no pressure.
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Hello Madbloss.
I just wanted to send you my sympathy and to say that I am so sorry that you are struggling with this dilemma.
I know it's no consolation but my meno book lists an inability to make decisions as another emotional symptom of the menopause.
I can only suggest that you work in an environment that produces as little stress as possible, at least until you are over the worst of the menopause. This time in our lives is tough enough without worrying about work as well.
I wish you well with whatever you decide to do and there's nothing wrong with being self indulgent in my opinion, in fact we all are and that's why we're here!
Take care.
K.
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I think it is easy to forget the stress of a job when you move to another. When I am rested I always think I can go back to my previous life with all its bustle and stress. But I can't. I have had to learn to pace myself and avoid taking too much on.
Mad loss - it might be that time out from school will ease your stress long term and your current stress is being caused by the 'what if' fairy telling you that you have made the wrong decision,
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Be kinder to yourself and take some time to deal with the stress before you rush back in to TAing. I am a teacher and know how hard that job is. Xx
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Madbloss,
I think you sound very anxious and confused. Not an ideal frame of mind to be working as a TA, especially if you are not on top form with your health either.
My advice would be to let the TA job go for now. Work on restoring your health, reducing your anxiety and helping yourself as much as possible. You haven't necessarily turned your back on education forever, you can go back when you feel more up to it. Accept that you made that decision and for now it's the right one.
Can you talk to someone at the supermarket to explain what's going on? Maybe you could work mornings only to rest in the afternoons, or work in a less stressful area than a checkout?
I also have spells of waking very early feeling awful when my anxiety is at its worst. If you have time put a guided meditation on your phone or tablet, read, have a shower, distract yourself, it helps.
Stop beating yourself up, you're getting by as best you can during a time of upheaval. Hugs xxx
:hug:
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Hi Madbloss
I am going through the same at the moment, I work in FE in a similar role. I am also struggling with the demands of the job. I was dreading summer, then dreading going back. The politics are awful as and my managers are unsympathetic as to what I am going through at the moment. I'm dreading Tuesday, especially as I have had a good weekend. I am also looking at going back into retail as I used to enjoy it. Ok I will be taking a huge pay cut but we cut our cloths accordingly don't we. Do whatever feels right for you, if you don't like it you can move on and if you find that you miss education then I'm sure you'll find another job later on. It is a stressful environment so I sympathise wholly.
Take care and good luck
Shellb
xXx
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It's the pre-event anxiety which is the worst, gives the body time to go into high alert.
Can't offer any advice other than to take the Valium. This is after all an 'emergency' situation and swallowing 1 tablet with 4 hours apart should calm you enough to stop those awful feelings.
Did you feel OK on the check-out? NO WAY could I be fixed to a chair with people in my face all the while. Have a word with your 'manager' about other options, discuss, discuss, discuss - when's your next Shift?
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Hello Ladies, thank you for all of your replies - very weepy this morning & I know I need meds of some sort as my mental health is suffering.
Jedigirl, Shellb & Rebelyell: you are right - it would not be a good idea to take on TA work in my current mental state as I would not be ab!e to do my best for the chi!dren & they come first. I need something that is less stressful but I don't think what I have chosen is the best choice. I thought I was ready but I seriously have doubts now. The problem is, I need to earn money so I have to do something. Shellb - my manager in my old job appeared sympathetic initially to my face but she was anything but behind my back & I shall never forget the way she looked at me & spoke to me when I desperately needed to speak to her. She looked at me as if I was something nasty on the sole of her shoe & said she was too busy but then stood chatting in the corridor to one of her management colleagues for 10 minutes! I was just a number & a hassle to her after many years of working there without any problems.
Kathleen: thank you for your sympathy - just feel all over the place at the moment. I would just carry on volunteering if I could but I am unable to afford to. I think you have hit the nail on the head because I haven't felt right for a few years now & need less stress in my life.
Sparkle - I am definitely not good with change at the moment! Need something less stressful but I'm not sure what! I know I need to get used to the job but I honestly think I wou!d be better working in a smaller shop where I can help customers with enquiries (& complaints!). The irony is, I can actually deal with complaints calmly despite my anxiety because I did that in the hospital!
Dazned: meds - I always used to take an SSRI called escitilopram (Cipralex) which worked perfectly to stop panic attacks but it made the perimenopausal insomnia worse when it struck. I then had to take sleeping pills as well then they stopped working. Tried a tricyclic for a little while which helped me sleep but that then wore off & left me absent minded & 1 stone heavier (& constipated!). Now have another SSRI called Setraline to try & have already seen that the side effects include insomnia. I have valium & beta blockers for emergencies at present.
CLKD: It IS nervewracking sitting at a checkout - I thought I was ready for it but I think I need something where I am not stuck in one place all of the time. I can't help the customers in the way I want to either as time is of the essence. Something customer services related would be better. My next shift is on Weds at 7am (the store is 11 miles away so I am up at 5.45am). I am on 12 weeks 'probation' so I can't be moved at the moment. I get a 20 minute teabreak during the shift & there is no one I can discuss things with as they are all tied up elsewhere. Think I will just need to keep looking out for shop jobs in a smaller store closer to home.
Thanks again ladies. :hug: xxx
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oh my, you poor soul. Sorry I cannot offer any useful help.
I do understand all those awful feelings though, and the early morning wake up (4.15am for me today). Just wanted to send you a hug :hug:
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Does your Council have a Volunteering Bureau? The Staff there may be paid and it may open up avenues if you give them a visit anyway to see what Volunteering options are local to you, which may become 'salaried' ;)
How about your local Surgery or Vet. Practice? they may require assistance in the back rooms.
I doubt whether it was the Cipralex causing insomnia - certainly I've taken it for years++ and sleep well. The nights I don't sleep isn't due to medication but to what is going on in the day time ::)
Did you take the Valium?
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Thinking of you Madbloss, i cant handle pressure in work place at moment either. These years are difficult, eratic and misleading as one day you feel fine to go to work and the next morning its a big hurdle! Is your retail job part time? Some days i just think peace of mind is priceless and as was the case with you, people/management are the problem....not the job!! Try and take one day at a time for now and then when your moods etc are stable and you are feeling stronger 'then' u can start thinking of moving on to TA or whatever. Even if u cud start in school with very few hours to begin with? Best wishes x
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Hello ladies, thanks again for your kind words and advice. I know I have got to give that job a chance but the anxiety has been bad since my first day. I am already dreading Wednesday with the 5.45am alarm but I have taken my first Setraline tab!et as I cou!dn't carry on alone - I also took a valium last night & this afternoon as I felt panicky (I could feel that I was starting to get the build up to a panic attack so I cou!dn't take any chances). Had another crying session this afternoon as my husband said that I 'search for side effects on the medication leaflet then will have to have them' which is untrue. I do get certain side effects, one of which is extremely undesirable & personal. The medication also dries out my eyes & makes them itchy & sore. I felt really hurt & told him that the effects were a 'living hell'. He just said 'Tell me about it' - he just doesn't get it & that attitude then sets off more anxiety that he will get tired of this & leave me.
CLKD - I will try & find out about the Volunteering bureau -I'll give the council a ring tomorrow.
Sparkle: I volunteered on the reception desk, asking patients if they could complete a survey card & dealt with some enquiries & complaints. Sometimes I would take patients to different departments. I enjoyed helping people & I miss that. I cou!d probably still volunteer but there are no paid roles available at present.
Sweettooth: the supermarket job is part time which is probably just as well as I have other issues going on with my son at the moment (he is autistic & due to start a new college next week). One option wou!d be to work as a lunchtime assistant in a school when I feel ready. Maybe I should keep a lookout for a vacancy but I have obviously blown it in the school I was supposed to start at this week (there is still the issue of being tied to school holidays though & my husband normally pays for our holiday which would be far more costly at peak time).
SadLynda - thank you for your kind words & the hug. I know you have been going through a rotten time - I never knew how badly this thing was going to affect me emotionally but it all adds up now with the various symptoms that have appeared in my forties & hearing how so many other people are going through the same thing. I just hope these AD's work as I don't want panic attacks again (I am aware that you can feel more anxious initially before they kick in). :hug: xxx
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Could you forego a holiday for a while? Although days out can be as expensive >:(!
I get the side-effects then read the leaflets to reassure me that it/they are expected ::)
Give your husband :kick: ;)
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Sent you a PM madbloss ;)
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Hello Sparkle, that job sounds great - I will have a look at the NHS jobs website & see what is on there. :thankyou: xx
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Hi, Madbloss,
I completely understand how you feel. It's a real dilemma and we can't really be sure if we are making a good decision or not.
My boss has told me to take another 4 weeks off work (she is lovely) but I don't want to go back at all. It is 4 years until my husband and I plan to retire and my husband says if I leave work now we will survive financially but we would be very poor and...here's the crunch... never be able to afford another trip to the UK. You may say, who cares about an overseas trip, but we love your country so much and we have good friends there. We really want to return.
I guess I have to go back but the job is sooo stressful, with nursing students in your face all day, complaining about the system. The government is responsible for the mess the college is in, not me, but us teachers are the front line and boy, do we cop it from students. I have to decide soon...a quiet life without frills or suck it up and go back to work? I have a friend who says to herself every day "that's another dollar towards our next cruise, etc..." Maybe I could say this to myself hourly?
I wish you luck with your choices.
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Lyn - once you accept that you are retired but that comes with the consequence of not travelling as often or as far, you will enjoy being away from the stresses of the work place. After all, which is more important: YOUR health or a holiday :-\. There are places I want to see [Italian Lakes] but have to accept that I will never get there :'( but currently, DH and I do get out and about most days.
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When my hubby gave up work due to ill health we were underprepared financially. You never really plan properly for that. I did various part time jobs over the years and ended up working from home which suited well.
You do cut your cloth to suit and it's actually not that hard when you get used to it. We were lucky as our mortgage was paid off and although money was very tight for a few years we got there.
You cannot live these years again so my opinion is make the most of now.
Our situation has improved as pension time arrived and various investments matured.
I encouraged hubby to give up work as I could see the damage it was doing both mentally and physically and I have never regretted the decision.
Good luck with whatever choice you make.....just remember life is short though and make the very most of it that you can.
Honeybun
X
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Agree Honeybun - take each day as though tomorrow isn't going to arrive ;)
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Hi Ladies, thanks again for your encouragement. Took 2nd AD today & feel a bit strange (even stranger than usual!) :o but I expected that. This morning, I looked at the NHS jobs website for a job like Sparkle had done but there were none available. I also looked for lunchtime assistant jobs as I could cope with that, having done that 13 years ago (that's how I drifted into TA work). Then a thought occurred to me that I could ring the school, explain the situation regarding the worries about the TA part of that job & ask if they had filled the lunchtime assistant part of it. (I could only try) I asked if they would still be willing to take me on as a lunchtime assistant. They said that they would :). Obviously, it means I would be tied to school holidays but I would be far less stressed & still be able to look after the children without the responsibility of TA work. I could also still volunteer in the charity shop or the hospital for a few hours. The school is less than 10 minutes drive or a 25 minute walk. The supermarket is 11 miles away & a 25 minute drive (and a 7am start on Weds).
The downside is that I would be taking a big pay cut but still earning some extra money. Even worse, my husband is not impressed & is unhappy about the amount of money I will earn. He said it is not 'a proper job'. Needless to say, I am pretty upset right now. (I have not dropped the supermarket job yet - I don't have to give notice before 4 weeks of employment).
Am I being selfish? I am just trying to look after my mental health & not take on too much before I am ready. I know the checkout job will be too stressful & not varied enough - the trouble was, I needed to try it to find that out. It has been a really confusing time for me, not knowing what to do for the best as I have enjoyed working with the public whilst volunteering but I do adore children & seeing them go through the checkout with their parents on Sunday, I found myself talking to them like I always used to. I wish I had been able to pluck up courage to talk to the former head of the school about working lunchtimes only when I saw her after I returned from my holiday instead of messing everyone about further down the line.
As both CLKD & Honeybun have said - make the most of these years . I would rather have better health than a lot of money & I want to spend the weekend with my family (even if my husband plays golf for part of Sunday!). Mind you, the way things are going, he probably won't want to be with me full stop. :-[ Who can blame him with this madwoman of a wife?! :bang: hugs xxx
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Ps. Doing the lunchtimes only means I can go home afterwards & not bring the job with me xxx
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Your Husband needs a :kick:. This is about YOU! Have you sat down 2-gether and worked out the ins and outs of your current monetary situation? You will save money if you don't have as far to drive. If anxiety over-whelms you, you won't be earning anything. Your husband will give up his golf in order to save money then? Cutting cloth etc. ;)
You must take care of your mental health. I think that any change in your situation will cause some anxiety but if you are more comfortable with the lunch-time work, go for it. It must make you feel good that having asked the question, they said 'yes' ;). Once you are back in the swing of child care at lunch-time you can review. Nothing is for ever! If you can leave work behind that has to be a Bonus!
The Volunteering might lead to paid employment. You may gain courage which will enable you! Stick to what *you* are comfy with.
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MadBloss, I know how you feel as my husband does not seem to understand either and cannot "get" why, at 56, I need to leave work. I don't know what your husband does for a living but do others find that, if their partner's job is very different indeed from theirs, the understanding of the stresses and problems is just not there?
As a nurse married to a truck driver...I understand he has unique stresses that I do not have, but, at the end of the day, he is alone driving a truck.
I have to talk for 7 hours a day and try to solve hundreds of problems with disgruntled students, angry hospitals pulling out of placement agreements and leaving students with no place to do their work experience etc. Sorry to complain, but I do believe my job is way more stressful than his. MadBloss: you ask, are we selfish? I don't think so.
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I think taking care of our mental health is a very lonely business, but nobody else understands how it feels (except maybe the ladies here). I find my battle is a very personal one and if I dont sort it out who else will? so no, I most certainly do not think you are being selfish MadBoss - I once read somewhere many women are so conditioned to put themselves last they find it very hard to take care of themselves when necessary.
There is my lesson of the day ;D
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Hello Ladies, thanks for your kind words. I was not good last night as DH & myself had an argument whilst walking the dog & I ended up walking off alone along dimly lit alleyways & across town for about 2 miles. DH was cross as there bad been a discussion in his workplace about changing the autumn half term shutdown NEXT year as everyone's children had left school. Obviously, me proposing to work in a school at lunchtime did not go down very well even more after that. >:(
CLKD- you are right in that whatever job I do, I will feel anxious & I need to avoid stress as much as possible. I am shocked by how tired I feel after doing a job that is, after all, only two shifts per week. Maybe it takes a lot longer to recover from a breakdown than I imagined. I know now that I have to take things in small steps. I went into work this morning & I was OK but I feel absolutely shattered. (I woke up in the night then woke up again at 4 30am & couldn't get back to sleep). I got up at 5 45 am. Yes, it is about ME - if I am not healthy, how on earth can I look after our son or do anything for anyone else. I am going to work out just how much money will go per month on petrol!
Lyn - DH is a joiner by trade so he gets very tired physically & has little sympathy for me feeling the same after my part time job. You must be under far more stress than me as it sounds like you are working full time. No wonder you want to get out of there - can't your husband see what itnisndoing to you mentally? Mental stress is as bad as physical stress (probably worse because it ends up affecting you physically as well).
Sparkle - thanks for your encouraging words. I feel nervous about tomorrow because I still let the school down about the TA part of the job but I will see how it goes tomorrow :).
Sadlynda - thanks for your 'Lesson of the day' ;D. Many people are still ignorant about mental illness & it can feel lonely - thank goodness for the lovely ladies on this forum :). :thankyou: :hug: xx
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Although not taking your original TA job is in the forefront of your mind, others should have moved on ;)
Let us know how you get on!
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Well said, CLKD! One would hope others have moved on. You are a very wise person and your messages to us all are very encouraging.
I have decided to work 2 days a week and see how that goes. I will start this in 4 week's time. If I cannot do it, then I will leave. What I'd really love to do is a Trinny and Suzannah type of job...but I doubt anyone would want my advice or criticism... ha ha :-X
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Hi, That's fantastic news, Lyn. I really hope that will work out well for you - it's got to be better than full time & you will have some time to yourself at last. Yes, doing a Trinny & Susannah type of job would be fun or being a personal shopper so you could help someone to choose their outfits :)
CLKD - I went into the school at lunchtime & it did me the world of good to get outside with the children. I was pretty fed up before I went out as we had heard that my son was not going to be provided with transport from the County Council (which we would have paid for) at the last minute despite an appeal from my son's social worker. The price of a private taxi to take our son to college would be £5,000 per college year! (It is 17 miles away). The only alternatives (as I have already explored other avenues such as voluntary organisations etc.) are either:
I take our son to college & pick him up for the three days per week (a drive of at least 2 hours per day in total) or try to persuade him to attend the local college, which he was against (I am going to try again though). Going out to that job cleared my head a bit which was what I needed. I just hope that the school will be happy with me! Xx
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Hi Sparkle, my son was originally dead against going to the local college because of certain people that had been there when he was on a school link 2 years ago. His friend attends the other college 17 miles away because he lives nearer to it & can use public transport. A little while ago, I phoned the college my son was due to attend & explained the situation to see if he could visit the local college as the same course is run there (the colleges are all under the same umbrella name). The tutor from the local college phoned me 10 minutes ago & said that my son can attend there next week to see if he likes it. She told me who else will be on the course from my son's former school & my son now wants to go there because he likes those people! (There were mixed year groups in my son's final year at school 2 years ago). He also knows the tutor as she was involved in that link with his school 2 years ago. I am hoping he will be OK - if he likes it, he will simply have his details transferred over; if he doesn't then I will be taking him to the other college. He could actually walk to the local college as it is less than 10 minutes away :). My head is a lot clearer than it was this morning (I felt like my mind was going to implode!)
Next thing I need to do is get my consultant's appointment moved (it means waiting a couple more months) as it clashes with the lunchtime job - I need to write a 'to do' list before I forget! Xx
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MadBloss, that's good news! In Australia anyone can attend any college they like, provided there are vacancies (and if there are not, we push them in anyway! I currently have over 30 in one class).
Hope your son is happy...if our children are happy, we are!
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Hi Lyn, thank you X :). Yes, that is definitely true! If my son is happy & settled then we are happy :) xx
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Hi Sparkle, yes, it is a very positive step :) that my son has taken by being prepared to try the local college next week as it is normally extremely difficult to change his mindset. He can walk to the college as it is less than 10 minutes away. If it doesn't work out then we will have to go back to the original plan but, hopefully, things will work out well for him xx
I don't think my husband is very happy still about the lunchtime job as it means a big drop in my prospective income, even taking into account the petrol costs to the store job. He also isn't bothered about me being out on Sundays because he plays go!f for 4 hours. However, I haven't dropped that other job yet as, at this point in the week, the two jobs are not clashing and I want to make sure the school staff are happy with me first otherwise I could end up jobless (and I cannot afford to risk that). The crunch time will be next week as I have one weekday shift (Weds) that clashes with the lunchtime. I don't have to give notice yet but I would want to let the store know a few days before, to be fair to them. Xx
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Thanks Sparkle, I have just looked backed at my old thread 'Feel like I am going mad' & can see how 'all over the place' I have been with regard to making decisions. I was actually looking for info on St John's Wort & one lady had mentioned it in that thread so I ended up reading it. It is alarming how I have chopped & changed my mind & CLKD's words about getting anxious over a looming situation after being away from the environment for a while, ring true (that's in the 'Feel like I am going mad' thread).
I stopped taking the AD's as they were making me feel horrendous & I got a nasty, upset stomach. Going to try St John's Wort after dithering over it (I have bought some tablets today). My son's PA suggested that I ask the school if I can work 4 lunchtimes per week & leave out Weds to enable me to work at the supermarket for a bit longer (so that I am still earning enough money for a little while until I can possibly take on TA work at the school). I feel reluctant to ask them that though because I messed them about to start with. Xx
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If you don't ask you don't get! If DH is worried about lack of money coming in, would he give up his golf?
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Hi CLKD & Sparkle, yes, CLKD you are right - I can only ask &, if they say 'no' then I may have to give up the supermarket job because I do not want to lose out on the chance of future TA work. No, my DH wouldn't give up his golf because he said that is the only thing he gets to do that he enjoys! :hapij:. Sparkle, I would definitely be happy to tell the school that I have needed to do the supermarket job for financial reasons as that is true. I had lost confidence in the prospect of doing TA work over the summer & thought working with the public was the way to go after doing the volunteering. Doing five afternoons 1:1 TA work would have been too intensive for me in my mental state & I couldn't have carried on with the volunteering, which I enjoyed. However, I DID feel I had to find a job by September for financial reasons & I thought the supermarket job would be ideal at the time as I would be dealing with the public. I soon realised my mistake! :o Taking it in small steps as CLKD suggested before, is what I should do if the school allows it. :) xx
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Something similar happened to me a few years ago....I was working as a secretary for a mental health charity, I too suffer from anxiety etc and am going through the menopause. Anyway, my friend told me that an oil company was looking for a technical assistant. My curiosity got the better of me so I got an interview then I got the job.....2 days into a very well paid job I knew it was not for me. My anxiety went into overload ( I too have a stash of diazepam). I phoned my old boss at the charity and told him how I felt and asked if I could get my job back.
So, I went back to my old job after going through a horrendous time telling my new work colleagues, my family etc. I only lasted another year at the charity and now I don't work at all. My anxiety is really bad, my meno symptoms are awful and Iv been diagnosed with an under active thyroid.
You go with your instinct and if you truly feel it's not the job for you then leave, don't put yourself through anymore anxiety. It's a lesson learned. You will be ok in the long run, take a deep breath and do it xxx
Good luck xx
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Thanks Sparkle, yes, I feel a bit more positive today. The horrors of my PMS from last week have gone now (thank goodness). I really need something to get me through that as that affects me really badly & that is definitely not a good time to make any decisions! Xx
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It's the waiting and build up - until you are settled you won't know if you are flying a cycle or riding a kite ::)
Glad your Son feels confident about attending the College and is OK about walking there and back. I am sure though that if a Taxi was required terms could be negotiated ;-) for regular rides. We had to travel by bus 17 miles to college in the morning the same back - in buses with no heating :o it was warmer inside not to scrape off the ice ;D
I would ignore your DH's remarks. I know mine wouldn't even consider letting such thoughts out of his gob :-X
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Hello Renee, I typed up a reply to you yesterday then lost it (after I did the reply to Spark!e - my tablet battery went flat!) I can understand 100% why you ended up taking that new job then switching back and, yes, it is awful having to tell people that you have changed your mind. Two weeks ago I to!d 2 former work colleagues that I didn't think I would work in a school again (because my experience at the last one was so awful & NOT because of the chi!dren - they were lovely). I am now eating my words but being indecisive like this has been a problem of mine for ages.
I am so sorry to hear that you ended up leaving your job in the end. The anxiety is hideous as many !adies on here, including myself, will testify & when you have a host of other meno symptoms AND an under active thyroid to contend with, it is no wonder that you left your job. Have you thought about volunteering at all? I did this through the summer to help me gain some confidence, mix with other people & get me out of the house as being at home made me worse. I worked in the local hospital one afternoon per week & in a local charity shop for 2 afternoons per week. I still go into the charity shop on one afternoon per week but I may have to drop that soon, much as I enjoy it. I am waiting to see what happens with the lunchtime job as I am going to have to ask the school tomorrow if I can leave out Wednesdays for the time being. :-\ xx
Thank you for your kind words and I really hope that you can find some relief for your awful symptoms :bighug: xx
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Hello CLKD & Sparkle, Thanks for your replies. Yes, CLKD, it IS the waiting & build up which makes the anxiety ten times worse. I was more confident on the checkout today (I am absolutely shattered!) but I do want to do the lunchtime job. I have to ask the school tomorrow if I can leave out the Wednesday for the time being & I am dreading it but, as you said, 'Don't ask, don't get'! ;). I did try negotiating with the taxi firms for a discounted rate but even the discounted rate was £5,000! Unfortunately, my son can't travel alone on the bus as he wouldn't be able to cope if the bus didn't arrive on time or if someone was nasty to him (he tried travelling on the bus to his former school before & it ended in disaster). Hopefully, though, he will settle in at the local college as he is looking forward to going in on Tuesday & it is a very short walk from our house - a walk he is able to do by himself. :).
What you said about the cold bus made me remember when it used to be so cold in our house, when I was a child, that ice used to form on the inside of the windows! :o
Sparkle - I have always been quite indecisive too but it is ten times worse now! :-\ well, tomorrow I HAVE to make a decision & stick with it - oh dear! ??? I just want to be able to feel comfortable with whatever I do & keep everyone happy at the same time. :hug: xx
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Hi, I went into the school today & felt really flat, probably because I feel so mentally drained from the anxiety. I brought up about the Weds problem & I could see it was going to be a nuisance. I don't want to put the school through any more hassle so I have told them not to worry - that I will leave the job for someone else to take on for 5 days per week. The Head had said to leave it with her when I first to!d her about Weds but I have messed them about enough & I can't do that to them anymore - they deserve better. They have asked me to stay for the rest of the week (except Weds) & to do a resignation letter. I ended up bursting into tears at home after I rang them with my decision this afternoon - I have given up the fight as it simply isn't fair on them. I am too unstable to take on any TA work yet with this indecisiveness &, although the supermarket job is tiring physically, it is for only two days per week & I may be able to change the shifts further down the line (if I am good enough to be kept on). DH wou!d definitely prefer me to stay at the store because I will be much better off financialIy & won't be tied to the school holidays. I feel very sad now though as the chi!dren were lovely but I had been out of paid employment since March & I couldn't leave it any longer. My son is 21 next month & I have 2 nieces & my twin nephews' birthdays coming up during October & November, my brother's 40th in November plus Christmas - I cannot afford to lose that extra income from the supermarket (it is only today that I remembered all these birthdays, besides my son's, that will be coming up as my mind has been so foggy). I found the store job more bearable on Sunday even if it was very tiring. The anxiety about my son trialling at co!lege is also sapping my energy - I am too scared to make any more decisions as my head is all over the place. I told my husband tonight that I hate what this peri thing is doing to me - that I don't feel like ME anymore. As CLKD said, until I am settled I won't know if I am flying a cycle or riding a kite. Xxx
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I tried to post a response but the screen locked :o :-\
You have moved on. 2 days at the Supermarket will be stressful until you get into routine, you can give as much to your colleagues as is necessary in order to save energy. You may find that now you have decided to stick with the Supermarket you will relax enough to enjoy the change, in the meantime you will get a feel of which Shifts would suit you more.
When does your son begin his walk to College? Does he know anyone once he gets there?
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:bighug: :foryou: MadBoss.
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Hi, thanks Ladies - I did type up a reply earlier but didn't realise I wasn't logged in & the whole thing was lost! I went into the school lunchtime but didn't enjoy it because the staff know I am going at the end of the week so I fe!t awkward. I had a phone call earlier to say my consultant's appointment needed to be moved from half term to next Monday lunchtime as the original clinic had been cancelled & I needed to be seen before November. Had I still been at the school, I would have had to have turned it down. I just feel relieved now.
Thank you CLKD - I think you have hit the nail on the Head - I do appear to have moved on - not sure how but I found Sunday's shift more bearable. The prospect of getting up at 5 45am tomorrow isn't brilliant but it is only for one day a week so it could be a lot worse. As you said, I may relax now that I have made a firm decision & get an idea of what shifts would be best for me with a view to changing shifts/stores further down the line. I should be able to do this after my 12 week probationary period (I just hope I am good enough!)
I accompanied my son to the local college this morning & he was really happy - he sent a text later on to say he was fine which was a relief! He saw a few people that he knew, which was a good sign. It is only a short walk away so he will be walking back after 4 00. :thankyou: xx
Sparkle: thanks - I felt upset last night & anxious this morning about going in (I actually took half a 5mg diazapam tablet at breakfast time just to take the edge off the anxiety). I will feel relieved when this week is actually over because, hopefully, my son will be settled & I will be getting more settled after being 'all over the place'. If I had followed your advice & given the store job another week, instead of ringing up the school, I would have saved people a lot of hassle & saved myself a lot of anguish. I should have given myself a chance to settle in as the change was a shock after not working in paid employment for 6 months. Volunteering did give me the confidence to work with the public, though, so it definitely helped me. I can continue to volunteer on a Tues afternoon as well now. On them positive side, I will have more free time during the week to get jobs done & can take my son out for the day on a Friday when he is at home (he will also be home on Monday). :thankyou: xx
Thank you Sadlynda - I hope that you are OK today - I really must get these hormones sorted out - that's something to speak to the consultant about next week if there is time. A :bighug: to you too xx
:hug: to you all xx
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Little steps.
Once your son has been there and back this week you will be more relaxed. Is he likely to tell you if there are problems or do you have to make guesses?
You did at the time what you thought was best - don't beat yourself up about being indecisive. We don't want to put ourselves into situations that are likely to increase anxiety …….. getting up early isn't great at this time of year but you will be on your own, the whole World out there clean and unsullied ;-). My friend is up every work day at 5.30 in order to catch a 6.45 train ;).
Keep posting!
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Bless you! SSRI's can make Anxiety worse, tackle it for now by telling yourself it's just stress, it's just a feeling, can't harm you and nothing worse is going to happen! I've recently started Mirtazepine as the trycyclic antidepressant I was taking were making my palpatations worse. Maybe they could be an option for you from your Dr. Try and live in the present moment, I know it's easier said than done but it does help. We're all feeling for you, big hugs!! X
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:-\ nothing is 'just' though and for me, 'feelings' can send me over the edge and without the emergency pill I wouldn't be here :-\
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Hi, thanks again everyone :).
CLKD - my son will definitely let us know if he is unhappy at the college but, so far, so good. His tutor actually phoned me a little while ago to let me know how he was getting on & it is positive news so far which is a relief! I actually felt a lot more positive after reading everyone's replies last night. What you said about your friend is a good point - if you commute then you have to get up at that hour EVERY day so getting up early for one day a week is hardly the end of the world & there is a lot less traffic about. I am starting to feel so much better now & actually felt happy going into work today. I was so silly >:( as I just needed to give the job a chance & I am starting to talk to some of the other ladies at work now (the wretched PMS may well have been a major factor in me feeling so unhappy initially, as well). Xx
Sparkle - I know what you mean about getting up early; it is awful to start with but then everything is done & the rest of the day is free for me after the shift finishes so that is not such a bad thing after all! :) 10 hours is a really long shift for your DD - she must be absolutely shattered afterwards! Xx
Orchid - thanks for the information about the AD's. I took Dosulepin for a little while earlier this year, after my former SSRI didn't seem to work for the severe depression that I was experiencing, but it left me feeling very foggy headed & constipated. I was very worried about what it said on the leaflet about interfering with heart rhythm too. I tried Setraline recently & felt absolutely hideous - that particular SSRI is definitely not for me. Maybe Mirtapazine might be an option - I am currently waiting for CBT but it is going to be a long wait! The anxiety seems to start up halfway through my cycle then it worsens considerably before my period is due to start & finally starts to lift a bit halfway through my period. Fluctuating hormones are an absolute pain! >:( xx
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By the end of next week you should both feel much more confident in your choices ;).
Even though I know what might be causing my anxiety, it's the physicality of it that knocks me off my feet every time :'(. Downward spiral follows.
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Thank you - I know what you mean CLKD - I would have a panic attack which would leave me totally drained; I would instantly get an upset stomach, couldn't eat barely anything for a couple of days afterwards & would go to sleep. Then something would trigger it off again & my weight ended up dropping like a stone. Escitilopram broke that cycle as it was fantastic for preventing the panic attacks - it just didn't seem to stop the severe depression that I experienced in February/March which was a shame. If I was to get panicky now, I would take a BB or diazapam (for 'emergencies').
My son was really happy again this evening & said he wants to stay at the local college. It is very early days yet but it is looking positive xx
Take care xx
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So pleased that DS is coping and settling in - hopefully the Course he has chosen suits too!
You describe panic attacks to a 'T'!
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Thank you :) :bighug: xx