Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Dulciana on August 03, 2015, 12:53:33 PM
-
Hi ladies,
I'm just wondering if anyone else finds their confidence is easily knocked at this time of life and what you do to get it back again. My confidence is a bit like a yo-yo at the moment. It's just that after a confidence knock, I get a huge dose of self-doubt. Very often, I'm the only one to have given me "null points" in the first place, but it's all to do with how I feel I've done and the feeling that others must be shaking their heads about me behind my back. Does this happen to anyone else? I'm not on HRT, although I do resort to things like lavender oil sometimes.
-
I have found that if you try and stay within your comfort zone, the boundaries get tighter and this means that you lose confidence in doing things you were happy with.
It is best if you can do a little something that will push these boundaries out a bit, at regular intervals.
The other thing is regular sleep/rest, healthy meals and exercise activity (increases endorphins and this helps with your confidence).
I find the least bit thing sets off my adrenaline these days. It is very annoying, but the above helps. I am going to start a new yoga class in September as this helps with my focus and concentration too, which is all over the place.
-
....is it the same for you or have you only noticed it recently? I do think it's got worse though since my hormones have been all over the place. S x
It's definitely got worse recently, Sparkle, although I've always been a bit like that. Other people are noticing me being more nervy these days. It's a pain, isn't it?
-
It is best if you can do a little something that will push these boundaries out a bit, at regular intervals.
The other thing is regular sleep/rest, healthy meals and exercise activity (increases endorphins and this helps with your confidence).
Dahliagirl, thank you. This is just the "shove" I needed. At the moment, I am, in fact, pushing the boundaries out - in December, I have the biggest and most exciting challenge I have ever faced - and that's what's causing me these wobbles, but you've reminded me that I'm doing the right thing and that I must carry on upwards. I'm about to start regular exercise classes, too, and we try to eat as healthily as we can, so I think I'm getting some things right. :thankyou:
-
I like dancing and I know the only problem I have with it is confidence.
It is not that I am scared of doing it, or of other people seeing me.
I just have to know exactly what I am doing, get my body to know exactly what it is going to do then do it.
I can do that but there is another stage where know you know all this and it no longer matters, and you can actually 'dance' the steps. This eludes me. I keep getting little glimpses of where it can go, and it is so frustrating. If I try it over and over again, it can get better, then I get tired.
My dance teachers keep retiring (is it me? ;) ) so I am starting with some new classes in September, but I am still desperate to get there. The rest of my life is like this too and the menopause business has really not helped. I will keep on with the dancing though. It is heaven when a few things come together.
-
Yes it certainly is! I think 'nervy' is a very apt description. I've always been very self-conscious and that's definitely been worse through peri - I can't stand the feeling of being watched as that's when everything goes to pot. I then start to over-compensate by talking, or rather babbling and then worry about what rubbish I'm coming out with! It's all so wearing.
S x
Me too, Sparkle! If I'm being watched and I know whoever's watching me is in a position to comment, things can go to pot and like you, I start to babble. If people are not in a position to comment, I'm less nervy. ::)
-
:cheer: Yes - do keep carrying on.
Sometimes the small steps do not seem to get anywhere, but when you look back, they do.
-
I like dancing and I know the only problem I have with it is confidence.
It is not that I am scared of doing it, or of other people seeing me.
I just have to know exactly what I am doing, get my body to know exactly what it is going to do then do it.
I can do that but there is another stage where know you know all this and it no longer matters, and you can actually 'dance' the steps. This eludes me. I keep getting little glimpses of where it can go, and it is so frustrating. If I try it over and over again, it can get better, then I get tired.
My dance teachers keep retiring (is it me? ;) ) so I am starting with some new classes in September, but I am still desperate to get there. The rest of my life is like this too and the menopause business has really not helped. I will keep on with the dancing though. It is heaven when a few things come together.
Dahliagirl, this is so familiar! With me, it's music. I've got a big performance coming up in December. I hope your dancing goes from strength to strength and wish you all the very best for your new classes. :)
-
Yes I lack in confidence these days and I'm also very over sensitive to the smallest of things which then get magnified in my head.
It's got far worse, especially the over sensitive thing and I've been very aware recently of things really bothering me that previously I just brushed off. I'm inclined to retreat into myself and become very very quiet.
Meno and hormones again I think.
Honeyb
X
-
Gosh, yes HB, over-sensitivity too. With me, it's as if I'm expecting to make a bad impression and then I flinch at the slightest thing that could suggest that (which it doesn't, of course, usually!) and then my confidence plummets.
What do you get if you mix all these meno-related things together? Menostrone! :)
-
Oh my goodness, this is the thorn in my side lately - my confidence! And it's odd for me because all my life (until now) that was my strong suit. I was never lacking in it. Now I avoid people I know when I go out because of how I feel that I look, avoid confrontations with family because I'm never sure that I'm right anymore, etc., etc., etc. So scared I'll never be myself again! :'(
-
One of you has just hit the nail on the head. The reason I 'missed' what all my symptoms are is due to giving up smoking 3 years ago at the age of 46, my first problem was insomnia and then everything followed - confidence is a distant memory, maybe it was the cigarettes that helped me? who knows, but join that with the panic attacks and major paranoia and thats me too :'(
-
Hello Dulciana.
Any self confidence I had seems to have atrophied along with my ovaries, maybe that's where is was all along, who knew?!
I suppose we just have to do the right things and carry on or as Churchill once said 'When going through hell, keep going'.
Best wishes ladies and take care.
K.
-
Another thing I have been told that really annoys me is
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Well I must be pretty bloody strong by now...or dead and I haven't noticed ::)
I was always the bouncy one...the one that had something to say....heck how things have changed over the past few years. I'm the mouse now who doesn't say a word usually....even with my hubby as I can't cope with arguments....not a great way to be.
Honeyb
X
-
That's brilliant Dulciana - menostrone - just about sums it all up. That should be added to the medical dictionary!
S x
:)
Dulciana
-
Yes, yes and yes!! My confidence is so low it makes me feel like such a failure. Mine is mainly linked to work and this makes my anxiety worse or is the anxiety causing the low confidence? I really wish I could get back to being reasonably confident as I know what to do and how to do my job but I have no confidence in myself and own robustness. I accept my perimenopause symptoms and status but the confidence/self esteem issue is rubbish. Any idea where I can get some confidence??
-
Whereas I don't take any flak no more! I mean what I say, if I say 'no' to something I don't want anyone checking; i.e. 'you sure you don't want a cuppa/cake/bath/f..t ………' 'watch my lips'! ???
A psychologist once asked me "What makes you think you are so important that everyone is watching *you*?" I was quite hurt but she was probably 'right'. I have stood in a supermarket and people watched and really, not many were looking my way, most were busy with kids/pushchairs/OAPs/wheelchairs ::)
Many of you are dealing with many situations some of which we haven't been trained for. Give yourselves some slack :bighug:
-
I haven't worked for a few years and seem to have lost a bit of confidence as a result. These days I find I'm less adventurous, but I don't think it's all because of the menopause, but things which have happened along the way - I've dealt with them but I'm worried they may happen again! That said I do try to force myself to do things that scare me because I'm a stubborn so-and-so and don't want to give in.
-
Write down a list each evening and tick off chores etc. the next day. You will then see what you *do* achieve! In the margin of each chore put down how your anxiety levels are ……… and now that relates to lack of confidence.
-
Dulciana! You are one of my :cheer: and help to keep me going with my singing! You are an inspiration!
Some of the most talented singers, musicians, actors, etc have extreme nerves before a performance. It's an awareness of what can go wrong before they go into the zone. Doing anything, however, able and talented you may be is difficult if you are being judged or observed.
It is possible to be over confident, which is the equivalent to being delusional and unaware of what it takes.
Confidence or lack of when being around others? Remember, rarely does anyone judge you more harshly than you judge yourself. Usually, they are too busy thinking about what others are thinking of them. What if they do judge you and find you wanting? Who cares, that's their problem and none of your business anyway!
-
I didn't have problems once I stepped onto the stage, from an early age ……… unless a parent was in the audience >:( (usually Mother)
-
Hello ! Have complete sympathy and experience huge self doubt - worst thing is trying to hang onto a career when blubbing in the office over a tiny error,,, agree with taking steps to push your personal boundaries, because the more you do the better.. also folks really aren' t that aware of you , so its ok to go for it, fail, get up and go for it again... CBT is great for this sort of thing but aware hormones do their best to drag us into a pit of uselessness. Work should be aware of diversity and all that so might be a forum there to discuss it. Also focusing on the task and its purpose I find helps me to stop thinking about what people must think of me. Sometimes trying to be like a swan helps.. making out you are ok , smile, look them in the eye, and somehow it can work to convince yourself it is ok...
-
Oh I'm a duck - calm on top, pedalling like hell underneath ::)
Anxiety is background this morning - off to the hairdressers later :-\
-
Dulciana! You are one of my :cheer: and help to keep me going with my singing! You are an inspiration!
:thankyou: Ju Ju. That is so kind! How is your singing going at the moment? Have you got any more concerts coming up, or are you doing any more grades?
What prompted me to start this thread in the first place was a lesson I had, at the beginning of the week. It wasn't all that bad, but it just left me with my tail a bit between my legs. I realised that there is a lot of work to do on this piece (a concerto) to get it ready. Dahliagirl was right, though - it's all about pushing your own boundaries and once I became aware this is what I was doing, I felt much more positive about it all. I'm really looking forward to it, anyway.
-
The more you progress, the more you realise what you don't know. They do say ignorance is bliss, but in this case not fulfilling. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! ;D . Don't get overwhelmed by the bigger picture.
I'm working towards Grade 4. Exam in November. My song choices are Wayfaring Stranger ( Joan Byaz and Ed Sheeran have done versions...spellings ?), Secret Love from Calamity Jane (Doris Day), The Clare Benediction ( John Rutter) and Oh Shenandoah ( unaccompanied). I know all the words, have good pitch, but struggle with timing. Im working slowly with music theory, but hard as I don't play a musical instrument.
-
I love the Clare Benediction, Ju Ju. Good luck with Grade 4! With theory, it does help if you play something like the piano, but plenty of singers have managed it, without playing an instrument. I'm sure you'll be fine.
"Don't get overwhelmed by the bigger picture." - That's so true. I shall bear this in mind and it'll keep me steady!
-
Yes I lack in confidence these days and I'm also very over sensitive to the smallest of things which then get magnified in my head.
It's got far worse, especially the over sensitive thing and I've been very aware recently of things really bothering me that previously I just brushed off. I'm inclined to retreat into myself and become very very quiet.
Honeyb
X
Oh HB, I could have written this. I so know what you mean. It's really out of character for me to 'go quiet' , but on recent occasions, I've retreated into myself and avoided contact with others, just when I probably needed the company of others most. At night, my OH just closes his eyes and sleeps, whereas sometimes I lie in bed thinking back an incident or conversation as if watching it in slow motion. I'll be so emotional about what's happened - either guilty, worried, embarrassed or even angry ('why didn't I do/say ...? '- I envy those people who can just 'move on' as I waste so much time worrying and over thinking things which, in the big picture, really don't matter! x
-
Briony, I do that too - go over and over things in my mind, thinking about what I could have said/done but didn't. Usually in the wee, small hours when there's nothing to distract me. Then I have another confidence blip, that stops me getting back to sleep! That's when I reach for the Rescue Remedy Night.............
-
Briony, I do that too - go over and over things in my mind, thinking about what I could have said/done but didn't. Usually in the wee, small hours when there's nothing to distract me. Then I have another confidence blip, that stops me getting back to sleep! That's when I reach for the Rescue Remedy Night.............
Yep, Rescue Remedy and turning the radio on usually does it for me. Failing that, I try and get the cat to come and give me a cuddle without OH waking up and moaning! ::)
-
I had Radio2 on the bed-side for years - helped when I couldn't sleep …..
However: how certain are U that people do move on? How much confidence do you have that they don't ruminate in the early hours? My guilt goes back to the 1970s :-\ and comes back to haunt me in the early hours but I have learnt that yesterday's news, today's chip paper ;)
It's sudden anxiety that rocks me totally - without the background worry of it attacking me I could take on The World!
-
Briony, I do that too - go over and over things in my mind, thinking about what I could have said/done but didn't. Usually in the wee, small hours when there's nothing to distract me. Then I have another confidence blip, that stops me getting back to sleep! That's when I reach for the Rescue Remedy Night.............
Yep, Rescue Remedy and turning the radio on usually does it for me. Failing that, I try and get the cat to come and give me a cuddle without OH waking up and moaning! ::)
Yes, I used to rely on our little puss to give me a cuddle, too, Briony. She was put down in April last year and I miss her like hell for things like that. Sniff! Nothing quite beats a furry, purring moggy for dispelling the blues............. :cat88:
-
Briony, I do that too - go over and over things in my mind, thinking about what I could have said/done but didn't. Usually in the wee, small hours when there's nothing to distract me. Then I have another confidence blip, that stops me getting back to sleep! That's when I reach for the Rescue Remedy Night.............
Yep, Rescue Remedy and turning the radio on usually does it for me. Failing that, I try and get the cat to come and give me a cuddle without OH waking up and moaning! ::)
Yes, I used to rely on our little puss to give me a cuddle, too, Briony. She was put down in April last year and I miss her like hell for things like that. Sniff! Nothing quite beats a furry, purring moggy for dispelling the blues............. :cat88:
My heart goes out to you. Lost mine on my birthday earlier this year and I was devastated. :'(
Said I wouldn't have another .... but now have two young ones who I adore. Wasn't able to have children so these are my babies! Cats seem to have a weird knack of knowing when you're down and needing a cuddle! x
-
When my hubby was unwell our little dog sat on his knee for months on end. Previous to this she had been my dog but now we share.
Animals just know.....and help.
Honeyb
X