Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: getting_old on July 27, 2015, 08:18:57 PM
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Sorry to moan but I just really hate where we live, and I've lived in some pretty awful places (won't name them as I don't want to offend anyone ;) ). It's just one thing after another - the bloke next door is a drunk who beats his wife, whilst the woman up the road is either super chatty or totally snubs you depending on the way the wind blows (I prefer the latter!).
The folks over the way keep finding rubbish bags full of empty booze bottles and used condoms in their bushes, and I've seen the bin men peeing in them too! Today some guy parks outside the house and starts spraying his tyres with stuff that's left a right mess - obviously doesn't want to pollute his own driveway, then a group of kids park and head over to the electricity substation to spray graffiti and drink / smoke at mid-day.
We're only here because of DH's job and I know he'd happily move but it would still be the same area and would mean investing more money in an area I hate. At least we currently rent so we could move at a minutes notice should the opportunity arise - just need to try to think positively!!
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Can you not find a nicer area to rent and still be close enough to your husbands work.
Are you going to be there for a while....if so why not explore better places to stay. It really does not sound nice at all but there must be somewhere a bit better in the general area.
Good and bad in every town.
Honeyb
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I do keep looking for rental options but there aren't too many around and I really, really don't want to buy anywhere as I don't want to be tied to the place. At least I have a better idea of the area - when we got this place we didn't know the area at all, although interestingly the bit we're in is viewed as one of the nicer ones!
I also keep looking for job opportunities for DH too!!!
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Our daughter moved a few years back because of awful neighbours after they moved south. Neighbours across from them let 3 year olds run about the street after 10pm. They sat on their front door steps drinking alcohol openly. Drugs, fights, police most weekends. The final straw came when someone completely destroyed a car along the road from them. Huge police presence & many arrests. Daughter was terrified for our eldest GD who was 3 at the time. They then spent ages finding somewhere else. It's not perfect by any means, but much quieter & safer for their kids.
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Does your Husband's company pay towards the rent? Could he speak to HR about the situation and ask what options are available for moving?
If all else fails, book into a Hotel?
If you know that a man beats up on his wife then call the Police *every* time. The Police can take action against him even if the partner won't testify. But they have to know first. Speak to the Police and ask if this couple are 'known' to them and ask advice on what to do next time you are suspicious. You may save her Life!
Are the Electricity Company aware of people at the sub-station? They have a Duty of Care ……. so again, give them a ring and put them in the picture!
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Or......ducks here.......don't get involved. Far safer on occasions.
Been there done that and regretted it.
Honeyb
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I would never regret it. Some girls are too scared to walk away but some will walk if they have support ……. asking the Police for advice is the way to go ….. but not doing anything :-\
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DHs company don't pay towards the rent. HR were utterly useless when we moved here and didn't offer any help whatsoever, plus some live locally and I don't want to offend them!
Neighbours are in their 60s and the family visit regularly, bring the grandkids and don't seem to see any problem - in fact I think one of the kids lives with them sometimes. The other neighbours have said to steer well clear as police have been called in the past and it's denied.
Electricity company know and try to patrol but it's not just one set of kids - it seems like it's the place all of the kids go, so if they catch one lot it doesn't deter the rest.
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I am so sorry you hate where you live and the impact it is having on your quality of life. No neighbours are perfect and, as neighbours we probably aren't either in fact we had a run in with one of ours a couple of weeks ago.
However I think I will give thanks for them all today after reading your post.
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We lived in a flat once that had problems with a young man beating up his wife. I did get involved and took her in and called the police. They split up for a while and then got back together and then collectively made our lives hell.
So therefore I will not get involved in anyone's relationship ever again....I learned my lesson.
As for kids hanging around. Unless there is no way they can ever know who is reporting them then I would not get involved there either.
Honeyb
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Confronting the situation could make things a whole lot worse getting-old. You still have to live there. I hate situations like that, but you have to think of your safety first.
However, just because others from company live there, doesn't mean you should have to. They are maybe not having the same bother as yourselves with youngsters & ill-behaving neighbours. If you are really unhappy about situation, can hubby not put in a request to move to somewhere a bit quieter.
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I would never regret it.
You might if the drunk decides to start beating you up.
We aren't talking rational pleasant people here.
Similarly with the graffiti spraying kids, if they know you've reported them................
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Exactly Limpy, maybe CLKD is braver than me....after all she has said she would take someone's phone out of their hand :o......ummm, not in Glasgow she wouldn't if she valued her safety and I would imagine every big city is the same.
My life was blighted by a violent neighbour....well two in two different places......note to self, never again live in a flat.
People in general don't want outside interference and will tell you so.....loudly ;D
As for some kids....they are feral.
Honeyb
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I prefer to keep my head down and not get involved with the neighbours as they all seem rather strange and I think there is history between several of them that I just don't want to be part of.
One evening I put the dog out and he barked once because the drunk neighbour was out, so the neighbour started barking back :o
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When there was violence in our household whilst I was growing up I was told 'that can't happen because your parents are ….. ' professionals. Community spirited. Involved in 'good works' :-\. It is unlikely that a man beating up on his wife is going to turn on someone reporting him, after all how would he know ……… the Police will give advice on how to handle such situations.
Getting_old - what does your OH think about moving ?
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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
Hmm yes - Did he say this before or after the broken glass was thrust into his face?
It happens
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Did that happen :-\ …… it was a statement after World War II if I remember correctly ……..
I digress ::)
We had one set of 'strange' neighbours but they moved after a couple of years and we were able to avoid them most of the while. There are strange neighbours further down so we don't need to engage and if we have to they are OK with us.
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DH is OK with moving but is leaving the search up to me. The problem is lack of availability - I search regularly, even drive around looking for rental signs. Every so often he suggests buying but that's just too permanent and would make escaping more difficult.
In the meantime I'm just going to try to organise as many trips away as possible.....
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Is there a 'mobile' park in your area? Costs aren't as much as buying a house/flat. Some though are for 11 month's occupation so you would have to rent elsewhere for that month.
Do you have your name on Letting Agents' lists?
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Did that happen :-\ …… it was a statement after World War II if I remember correctly ……..
Gosh CLKD I thought you made the statement because you felt it had some relevance to domestic violence :-\
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[It is relevant to any situation where people stand back and do nowt ;) ………… ]
I find that I am more aware of neighbours than DH is - he is generally pretty laid back and we have long heated discussions about things that I believe are important and that he can't give a toss about. It wouldn't cross his mind to even notice what the neighbours are up to ::): i.e. when that particular neighbour leaves the engine running on the Landrover for an hour each morning in the Winter :bang:
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Sometimes, as I have discovered to my cost, the best thing to do is to do nothing at all.
What goes on behind other people's closed doors is their business.
If I am asked for help then that would be a different story......but up until that point it's nothing to do with me.
You are just asking for trouble getting involved, with either troubles between a husband and wife, or people running engines, or anything really.
Different people have strange way of having a relationship.....scream shout...throw things and then make up.
Nowt to do with me....ever.
Honeyb
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I agree with honeybun but I have found it difficult. Due to my troubled background I have a tendency to try to be a mrs fix it but others don't appreciate it. They see it as interfering and being a control freak so I am trying to step back from things now.
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You can't help people, who don't want to be helped. Nor can you fix things for people even if they want you to. They have to fix things for themselves, but you can support them. For example, I have relatives who paid off their son's debts with money they could I'll afford to lose. Their son created yet more debt. Had they supported him paying off his debts gradually, so he felt the pain, he would have learnt a useful lesson sooner rather than later and avoid straining his relationship with his parents.
As to dealing with difficult neighbours, do your homework. Decide what outcome you want. It is easy to react to your feelings, rush off and confront people, but you rarely get the outcome you want. I've been prevented by my DH from rushing out and confronting people. In his previous life, as a police officer, he dealt with many situations between neighbours that have escalated. I know how I feel when people go off at me, even if they have reason to. They do not achieve my cooperation. But when I am told I am appreciated, but there is a problem which could easily be resolved, I have no problem in responding positively. Sometimes it is best to do nothing at all and see how important what has happened is to you later when you feel calm.
For getting old, moving may be the only option, but not a quick or easy solution. Are there any neighbours you would like to get to know better? It may help ease things if there are friends close by.
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I think women tend to be more aware of things going on around them compared to men. OH usually settles much quicker than I do, and doesn't notice a lot of things which bother me.
Sometimes, as I have discovered to my cost, the best thing to do is to do nothing at all.
What goes on behind other people's closed doors is their business.
Over the years I've worked with people whose lives have been more eventful than a soap opera and they've tried to involve everyone around them but you only ever get their side of the story so I've learnt to keep a distance.
For getting old, moving may be the only option, but not a quick or easy solution. Are there any neighbours you would like to get to know better? It may help ease things if there are friends close by.
I haven't found any so far ;)
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I have relatives who paid off their son's debts with money they could I'll afford to lose. Their son created yet more debt. Had they supported him paying off his debts gradually, so he felt the pain, he would have learnt a useful lesson sooner rather than later and avoid straining his relationship with his parents.
I so totally agree with this ^
many years ago our eldest son got into financial difficulty and ended up with debt. My mother and I paid off 50% of it to bring it down to a manageable level where he wasn't drowning in it but he had to clear the rest himself or he would not have learned anything. It took him 12 months but he did it.
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Yes, we want to 'fix' things for our loved ones, but often the best way is to support them fixing things for themselves. Then they become stronger and learn from experience.
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Mum fixes my sister's problems …… so she has never learned how to save :-\ ……… me, I'm a hoarder ;)
For the first time in ages our Estate is quiet …….. :o
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Well, I'm not sure it's what you'd call a solution, but we've just bought a holiday home. We didn't want to invest locally but this way we have somewhere to call our own several hours drive away that we can escape to for long weekends etc. :)
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What a fantastic idea! This way you have an escape. And just knowing you can get away helps you deal with everything. Have fun, Ju Ju xx
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Oh how exciting! Will you be sub-letting ;)
Something we almost did but our choice of site was a 5 hour drive from here, so no nipping there on a sunny weekend ::).
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I told DH no subletting, and also quashed his ideas about inviting friends for the weekends - told him I didn't plan to spend my escape time cleaning up / running after people I barely know :-X
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Good for you: however, we have a meno choir/charabanc/gardening club/cookery experts - thought we could add a chalet ;D