Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: SueRoe on July 12, 2015, 03:25:48 PM
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I'd be interested to know what others think about this. If I go to a hotel or a campsite or even when I'm at home I make every effort not to disturb other people. I don't let hotel room doors slam shut; I don't flush the loo in the middle of the night; I don't let doors and gates bang shut at home; I close the car door quietly if I'm home late or up early; I keep my voice down around the house (I live in a semi) and garden; etc etc. I assume that it's only fair to do so and that other people will notice and offer the same consideration in return...but so often they don't. Maybe they think that because they can't hear me the walls must be thick and it's OK to bang around and yell from one room to another, or maybe they just go about their daily lives without much thought for anyone else. Do you think it's better to stop being so considerate and make some more noise so that they realise how much comes through the walls of the house/hotel room/tent? I was brought up to be considerate and it's difficult to change.
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I have this thought every week - I put our bins out but if I can't or forget them, my neighbours would never think about it. I used to ring if they appeared to have forgotten but next time? and they never pull our bins to the gate unless asked.
Noise - we have it all around >:(. A neighbour switches on his large motorcycle then sits on it - don't know if he's showing off that he can afford such a large motorcycle or if he thinks sitting there helps the engine. However, it's noisy. Lawn mowers should be banned apart from 1 evening a week and if it rains :-X
I think that generally Life is noisier? More traffic, more toys for kids to play with/argue over, people don't walk far but drive therefore it's engine noise in the background 24/7: someone drove up and back down the Estate at 2.30 a.m. :o
You and I know we are considerate :medal: …….. I will continue to be so. People wouldn't notice if I stopped anyway!
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Most of my neighbours are fairly considerate. Son has lived next to noisy neighbours. His new neighbours are lovely. Daughter lives next to noisy neighbours.
In hotels we do our best to close doors quietly & talk quietly in corridors.
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CLKD - why wouldn't people notice if you stopped being considerate? Why do you carry on being thoughtful if no-one notices? Is it your upbringing or in your nature to be this way? Like you, I would find it hard to start being thoughtless. I think it's to do with respect for who we are and for those around us who do appreciate a little consideration. Maybe we think they don't notice or care about whether we're quiet because they keep a low profile themselves...
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Having lived in two flats I have discovered other people don't give a toss in general. In our last flat eventually we went like for like ...but not until we had sold it ;D. Our downstairs neighbours liked to party and play music very loud until the wee small hours. Well my son had installed a massive sound system which I had previously insisted he listened to through earphones. We the two months before we left they would be treated to a strict half hour of ear bleeding noise. The satisfaction I felt was wonderful....bad I know but perhaps the people who bought our flat might have been treated with more consideration.
As for cutting grass one evening a week....really :o. What happens if you work shifts. As long as it's not really early or really late.
We live in a semi, our neighbours are quiet as are we so no problems. As for cars starting early....well people have to go to work.
Honeyb
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My husband and I were only talking about this today after having been involved in an unpleasant confrontation with our neighbour this week.
We are of the generation that was still taught to consider other people and to 'do as you would be done by'. Nowadays it is every man for himself, a 'me' generation with much less social conscience.
I know there are exceptions but on the whole people don't look out for others as much.
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Freda - I wish I stayed in the same hotels you stay in.
It would be lovely to be next to somebody who didn't slam doors or drawers shut.
Or, yell to their companions at the top of their voices.
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Freda - I will remain kind. I believe that dropping that pebble into the puddle helps kindness spread ……. people are too busy to notice about others I think, if I ever bring in bins for neighbours they don't even say 'thank you' :-\
Neighbours had an old car and apparently needed to bang the doors to shut them >:( - 4 travelled to work in that car so 4 doors were shut, all at different moments ::) ……..
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I sometimes think that given a lottery win I'd buy an island or a large country estate and only allow people to live there if they were happy to accept that you could only whisper outdoors between 11pm and 9am! Plus no parties after midnight, no barking dogs, no power tools for more than an hour at a stretch, and no playing your music loudly with your windows open. I suspect most people would think this was draconian and hellish but it's my idea of bliss! Anyone want to join me?!
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Me, Me, Me ;D ………..
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I'll come :bunny:
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Oh me too. I wanted to live in a field at one point as my neighbours were so bad.
I won't even let the dog bark in the garden for more than a minute. Fortunately this time I seem to be surrounded by like minded people. Our street is very quiet which is lovely.
I don't think a lot of people think that manners are important.....well I do and I drummed them into my kids along with my famous saying in my house
If you can't think of something nice to say....say nothing at all. ::)
Works for me.
Honeyb
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But that doesn't mean you can't be true to your own thoughts and opinions. I was brought up a 'yes' person, a people pleaser, my opinions had to mirror my parents opinions so I was never encouraged to think for myself. If my opinions ever differ from others I feel as though I am in the wrong even when I am not. I am learning that I am not in the wrong and have the right to stand by my own opinions without having to justify them. It is how I communicate those feelings to others that matters though.
I am learning how to be kind but still stay true to myself. If the other person takes offence then it is their problem and not my responsibility how they choose to react.
Honeybee, I also don't let my dog bark for too long but others round here let theirs go on and on............... ::)
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Oh , I will stand up for myself. I've got a lot better at it, the more you practice the easier it gets.
I will be considerate but I will not allow others to take advantage anymore. It's meant that my mother and sister in particular find me difficult to deal with. I think they preferred the old me and not the new me that has grown a back bone.
Honeyb
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Freda, you can move in next door to me! Or even camp in the field behind, if you don't mind cows! They are friendly! ;D
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You know, it's not just 'others' who can be inconsiderate; family can be just as bad.
Because I am up early, a good three to four hours before everyone else in the house, I am always careful to keep my noise to a minimum whilst others are sleeping. I am also always the first one in bed at night. Do I get the same consideration? Not a chance! Doors bang, people hare up and down stairs, have loud conversations, have their shows turned up, cause ww3 in the kitchen; the list goes on. It doesn't seem to cross their minds to show me the same respect I show them. They'd be (and have been) super fast to complain if I did it to them!
This extends to all areas. I'm apparently the only one who knows how to change a loo roll, empty a bin, take in other peoples washing if it starts to rain, clear my own mess behind me, including food and drink I make which may leave debris of some sort. I'm the only one who can answer the phone, or the front door, only one who can fix any problem from physical to emotional. Do I get the same in return? Do I f**k >:(
I have tried not doing the things, behaving like they do, but I can't bear the mess, or deal with the feelings of awkwardness and inconsideration that come with doing as they do.
So yes, people in the street who walk at you whilst on their phone, never thinking to getting out of your way, assuming you will move, are out there in droves, but there's a fair amount of the same behaviour within my home, maybe yours too. What bothers me is that I did not bring my kids up that way, and for the most part they are intelligent, socially able human beings. Is this just a general shift in what is considered to be acceptable behaviour in the modern age, and something those of us who still believe in considering others will have to learn to accept? If so... I'm not sure I want to be a part of this world! So cave in the deep dark woods it is ;)
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Hi Gill, I have been through a lot of the feelings you mention (mine are now all grown up with families of their own)
Looking back I realise that the mistake I made was to assume they would realise how I felt. they don't as they are programmed with blinkers and can only see what affects them and their own surroundings. They are not mindreaders and do not think outside the box, having a different set of priorities. You need to tell them as they will probably be surprised that you feel like this.
Priorities are different at different stages of life. I also had two choices to cut through the stress - to either lower my own standards or do it myself. I developed a motto for myself, 'does it really matter?' If my answer was yes then I decided how to deal with it and if my answer was no I let it go. Otherwise you don't survive and I nearly didn't sometimes.
Life is much easier and more pleasant now there is just the 2 of us at home :)
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I only have two of the four left at home, but my difficulty is in my depression/anxiety/ocd etc, as well as the fact none of my family like to talk about anything emotional; I'm the only one willing to confront anything, and when I do it just leaves a nasty atmosphere and makes no flamin' difference :D Everything matters to me, because if I don't deal with things I end up in a spiral of becoming more and more anxious and worrying because I'm getting more anxious and getting anxious about worrying and... well ya get the picture :D
As to being just the two of us left at home, that is something I am dreading. My partner and I have been pretty much distant friends for the last ten years. He doesn't seem to care, happy to drift along, going nowhere, and I am frantically lost, not knowing what to do with myself. There's no love left, just vague reliance. I guess, when the last kid goes, we'll separate as I cannot bear the thought of living in this echoing great house with just him, never really speaking to each other, having nothing in common etc. I have no skills, zero money and the thought of starting from scratch at my age is terrifying. I know people do it, but my issues make it difficult and I don't know how I would cope with my depression etc if I was living alone. But these are issues for another day :) Didn't mean to whine :D As you were ;)
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Noise, arrgghh my biggest bugbear. From noisy neighbours to music in shops. Why can't we just enjoy peace and quiet, the sound of silence. It's exhausting having this constant flow of noise in our ears. Well, for me anyway.
Where I live is quite good as far as noise goes. I do get annoyed with people who leave their car engines running for absolutely ages. Do they like wasting fuel?
Barking dogs? Yes, I also won't let my dog bark on and on. But others in this road do.
I don't think the blanket ban on mowing the lawn would work though ;D
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I live in a quiet place, but....there's a public footpath at the edge of our property, which is frequented by dogs taking their owners for a walk. This would not be a problem, but the dogs that live either side of us will bark and bark, setting off the rest of the dogs near by. The dog on one side is a golden retriever, rarely if ever, taken out for a walk, left all day on its own and sometimes at night. The dog will bark continuously sometimes. It's weird. I have never seen any interaction between the children and the dog who they have grown up with. We have never had problems with this family and the children are polite and well behaved. Their mum apologised for any noise the children make in the garden. Not an issue for me. Children playing happily is a lovely noise. But the dog barking can get wearing and worries me.
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Poor dog, I feel so sorry for it. Left alone night and day? Why do they have a dog if they can't be bothered with it? :(
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Oh poor dog, the most I will leave mine is about four hours.
I have asked my neighbours if she barks when I'm out and they have said no.
A constantly barking dog would really upset me. It's a difficult to broach with neighbours though as they could take offence. I would love to tell my neighbour that her cat uses my garden every night as a toilet but for the sake of good relations I say nothing.
Honeyb
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I am odd 8) . The people next door but one have multiple dogs and they are all well attended, well behaved and under control but they do bark when they are excited, big gruff wuffs and little pip squeak yaps and much in between. I have no problem with this being a dog lover, but if next door's two small children start yelling and squealing it makes me really grumpy because i am not a lover of small children (even though I had three of them myself) ::)
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Being in a flat, albeit a two-storey one, we have to be considerate to the people below us and on either side of us. We have excellent sound-proofing, but none of the occupants are noisy, which definitely helps relations. Can we be over-considerate to other people? I don't think so - "do as you would be done by" is our motto. There's always the chance of setting a good example.
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;D if anyone walks towards me in the street using their mobile phone and doesn't notice m, I have been known to remove it from their hands ;) ………. showing them how easy it is for a mobile to be nicked. I no longer move to 1 side, I stand still until they reach me ……
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Gill Mojo - there will never be a perfect time to start again on your own. I understand your wish to wait until your children are independent but you never know what else will have changed by then to stop you starting afresh. My Mum left my (alcoholic) Dad when my sister (her youngest child) was 14 and moved into a rented flat with just her clothes, books, and a few small possessions. Ours was a council house so there was no money to come to her from selling that, and she had no money or furniture of her own other than her pay. She bought an old banger of a car and started from scratch. She now has her own home and a decent car and is busy and happy. My sister has no issues with Mum's decision and coped well with her new life. If you want to leave start planning for it now - health and happiness are everything.
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…….. and don't get me started on speeding drivers at the back of us: apparently it's a 30mph road but apparently drivers don't understand the signs - maybe they are busy on their mobiles >:( ……. I have written to the Parish Council asking not to put speed humps along there because they create their own noise problems!
Right now, apart from a blackbird singing and noise from le Tour, it is quiet :-*
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;D one which I expect: initial surprise, then shock, then a kind of understanding that in fact, I could be away with their precious mobile ::) ……….
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I would never do that in case I got a violent reaction.
Honestly doesn't seem a particularly safe thing to do CLKD.
Honeyb
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If someone is wandering along engrossed they are usually more surprised than upset and it's better that they realise how easily a mobile/purse can be snatched and certainly better than walking into *me* :crutch: …….
We have a young lad locally on a cycle who regularly snatches mobiles from behind: grab, pedal and away …….. he knows what time of day to target those coming out of the Mall or local schools and even though it's on CCTV, he has not yet been caught.
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he wouldn't want my phone - it's a big button phone for older folks and I love it. No internet, no games, no camera, just a phone. Oh yes and it has an SOS button on the back :)
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Generally I think that most people just don't realise they are being inconsiderate. They only think about themselves, and to hell with everyone else. I always try to treat people as I would like to be treated, but throughout my life I've been constantly disappointed that other people, including friends, just don't behave the same way. I'll go out my way to be caring and considerate of other people, but it often doesn't get returned.
When it's bin night I will always put my bins out by around 6pm, but my neighbours will always wait until just before they go to bed at around 10pm - and their bins are right outside my bedroom window. It's okay if I'm still watching TV, but if I've already gone to bed it's annoying.
The neighbours across the road (and once again right in front of my bedroom window) regularly have friends over for dinner. They are never noisy during the night, but when it's time to leave everyone stands outside for ages laughing, talking loudly and then beeping their horns as they leave. Why can't they say all their goodbyes while they're still inside?
I don't say anything about either thing, because I don't want to be seen as the grumpy woman next door/over the road, or cause any arguments, so more fool me I guess.
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Don't even get me started on car horns. The people are standing at their door, waving; you've literally said your goodbyes - I know because I heard you from inside my house, with the windows closed - ten seconds ago, but it isn't enough, is it? You have to blat you horn at least twice, sometimes more as you screech off down the road. You repeat this every week, sometimes two or three times a week. Why? They know you are leaving, they are watching you go!! What possible benefit is there from honking your damn horn?? :angryfire:
As to mobile phones, I swear to the gods, next time someone walks at me, staring at their stupid bit of plastic and expecting me to get out of their way, I'm just gonna walk straight into them. Entitled little ar*eholes :bang:
Can ya tell I got up in a great mood? :D
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I feel more intolerant as I have got older but apart from the spat with the neighbour the other week I try to bite my tongue. However I would just like to feel I matter to someone occasionally.
I detest one sided frindships, you know the ones, where nothing happens and you never see the other person unless you call/text/make arrangements. So you never know if they really want to see you or are just being polite :(
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I stopped calling people if they didn't call me more regularly and they were off my C.mas card list too ;)
I've done the waving goodbye from the doorstep but not once I realised that actually, there was nothing more to be said :D.
Better now Gill Mojo ;)