Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: SallyG on July 08, 2015, 06:11:18 AM
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Dear Women who get it,
I am writing this post because you seem like the only ones interested in my little lot and relate it to the menopause, which it is. My line manager has decided to use my phased return as an opportunity to
criticise my work practices. I have complained and provided evidence in my back to work meeting with HR and my big boss. LM is now really naffed off and called my comments vicious where in fact it was just the reality of what was happening. I now feel in free fall and it feels as though my future is looking precarious.And all I have done is try to speak the truth about what is going on on my team and how it isn't working for me. And somehow that is reviled as 'vicious'. My husband is sick of hearing about it.
I feel like Im in some sort of Kafka-esque nightmare. I am very stressed and my heads in a muddle, making it hard for me to focus.
It really feels like life is not worth living and my whole future is in tatters.Inner dialogue is about not being able to work again or being sectioned, everyone leaving me etc. I then just think I might as well just end it all or jump off a high building at work to make some kind of statement. Help! SalG
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Hi SalG. No job is worth going through this! I'm not sure why you have been off sick and need a phased return - sorry haven't got time to read back through the posts.
Taz x
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I agree with Taz. No job is worth this.
Resign, regroup and then find something different that you enjoy. There is no point in going through this misery every day.
:hug:
Honeyb
x
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Nothing is worth this. No job at all. I would resign and either take some time out to recoup or look for something totally undemanding for a while.
I KNOW how ill and distraught meno symptoms can make you feel. I spent 16 months feeling scared and anxious most days and everything felt overwhelming. I genuinely thought I was going mad at times.
Unless you have experienced it other people will never understand. Please think about leaving and trying something else instead x
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Can you go sick with stress then explain the situation to your GP?
Do you HAVE to work? Can you afford a break while you look for something else?
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Not worth it SallyG! Not the same, but many moons ago I returned to work in an office after a break to have my kids. I was bullied by other female staff, one in particular was the ring leader. I left after 6 months as I was miserable. Got another job.
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The job isn't worth it. I would go sick for a while, using the time at home to reassess what you want to do and maybe look for a less demanding job for the time being until you feel stronger.
You can't put up with being treated like this. Personally I would walk away with your head held high. You tried, but some people will never understand how difficult this meno stuff can be and your line manager sounds like one of them. They are the ones at fault and I wouldn't give them the benefit of knowing they were making things difficult for you.
You deserve better, take some time off to look after yourself.
I know how hard it can be to work along side the anxiety and everything else, I decided last week that I needed some time to myself before I cracked up completely and am now at home off sick for a couple of weeks.
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2 years ago my husband was on the point of a breakdown with his job. His GP signed him off with work related stress so doctors will be supportive. Please speak to yours and tell him/her what you have told us. You need support and we will give it but you also need hands on from the medical professional ie your family GP.
Keep visiting, keep posting, keep talking. We can take all the rants and worries you want to share in the safety of this board.
If you prefer you can ask Emma to move the thread to the private section where only members can read and reply. You might feel more secure there.
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I think you need to leave, it's sounds like it isn't going to improve there and could make you sicker
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Been there, done that - but didn't jump.
NO JOB is worth being awake in the night for. I fought tooth and nail to keep a job I enjoyed …….. but it almost cost me my marriage. Hindsight and all that, in the same situation I would have told the Manager to 'stuff it' and walked - however DH and I worked in the same Company and I didn't know how that would impact on him, the main earner. There were 2 jobs I ought to have walked from :-\ ……..
Bullying in the workplace is illegal but Companies know how much mental stress this will cause so it is rarely tackled. You need to care for you FIRST! the mentality of Companies isn't to 'care' for their employees and unless the Team is very tight and turns on the LM, you will get no-where.
Clear your desk. Make a Copy of your Contract of Employment, CV etc. then meet with the supportive Members of the Team and explain that you will no longer put up with being bullied. That you are going and you are going now. If threats are made about breaking Contract then that will show how the wind blows. Go to your GP and ask to be supported during this time so it is in your Medical records.
:foryou:
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Are you member of a worker's union?
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I really feel for you. Years ago I was pushed into a nervous breakdown by work and have never fully recovered from that. Now in meno, I know I couldn't hold down a pressured job. I'm lucky to work part time for my husband. In your shoes I would see your GP asap and get signed off so you can take stock. But as others have said, no job is worth it. Leaving that job was the best thing for my sanity; it might be for you too. Take time and take care of yourself. x
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Nothing to add but to echo what the other are saying - leave with your head held high and get your GP onside. :foryou:
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:bighug:
Good advice here. 1st stop GP.
You are already feeling fragile and less able to cope with stress or bullying, not that you should have to.
When my husband returned to work after 6months off with stress, he had been moved from a supportive environment to a highly stressful job elsewhere. Unbelievable! He was eventually replaced by 2 people!
Don't feel this is weakness! It is a normal reaction to a difficult situation. DH's advice would be look after yourself. Oh and his experience has made him into a stronger, kinder person, but it takes time and support to heal. Talk to your GP and anyone you can trust, who is supportive so you can figure what to do next. Keep us informed.
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I had to mourn the job which took ages.
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Do you think the LM is trying to get you out?You might consider taking advice from an employment lawyer and try to get some sort of payoff. Keep records of what happens, and involve HR.
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How awful for you to encounter this. I do feel for you.
Is there any chance you could be moved to another team / department / area / different type of role? Is this something you could discuss with HR - or are they closing ranks.
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In my experience 'personnel'/'HR' have no idea how to handle personnel or human resources >:(
Come in Sally!
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Sally you show strength in being able to reach out and post how you feel on this board - so congratulate yourself on that. You have strength and resilience to get through this very difficult situation so keep reminding yourself of that.
As others have suggested, I would encourage you to call your GP and get signed off sick in the short term.
If I've read your post correctly, you've kept a record of what's happening. While you're off sick, if you're able to, write a letter to HR outlining your situation so that they have it in writing. The very fact that your boss has called your comments "vicious" shows that he is continuing to act unprofessionally in the workplace and is negating the impact of his behaviour on you (i.e. he is bullying you). It might be helpful to seek some support from the Citizens Advice Bureau with respect to this (if you're not in a union) - I'm sure workplace bullying must be covered under employment law.
If you can (because I know your husband works abroad) have a chat with your husband too - is it possibly to stop working for a while just to give you time to recover before looking at other possible work options? Do this with the perspective of looking at what is best for you - don't think of it as running away or capitulating to the current situation you are in - it sounds like your manager's behaviour needs seriously addressing by HR.
Sending lots of hugs - xxxxx
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I don't feel I can add anything except to agree with everything that others have said and give you a :bighug:
Hurdity x
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Did you survive the day eventually?
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Hello . I did survive the day but now am worrying about everything. Sorry but don't know what else to say.
Love to all
Sally
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Hello . I did survive the day but now am worrying about everything. Sorry but don't know what else to say.
Love to all
Sally
Sending love back to you Sally. I hope you have a better day today and get to see the GP soon.
Hugs xxxx
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Hello . I did survive the day but now am worrying about everything. Sorry but don't know what else to say.
Love to all
Sally
A lot of good advice above, the key thing is - life is too short to let a job spoil it.
A number of years ago I followed one of my directors when he set up his own business. With the stress he eventually became a huge bully and made everyone's life hell, so much so I got that sinking feeling and knot in my stomach on a Sunday night. Eventually the eureka moment came when telling a friend - "if it's that bad, why don't you just leave?". Ironically as it sounds I hadn't considered that at all. Timing was crap, I split with my hubby a week later (not connected) and as the major breadwinner it wasn't good on the finances but it saved my sanity....and something better soon came along.
What would you want to happen? Do you want to stay in your job, do you enjoy it even?
Can you see a feasible way forward to resolve the situation - managers always like constructive proposals rather than having problems landing on their desk
Is leaving an option for you, time to try something new?
Try not to dwell too much on the problems but focus on the good bits and how to make those better - in the same way a runner doesn't focus on each and every hurdle, but rather the end point. That's presuming there are some good bits of course? (Salary, location perhaps, comfort...).
If you find the situation untenable, I actually do think going off on sick will only postpone the issue and you're likely to spend the time worrying about it more.
How is your manager dealing with this?
An awful situation for you but I do hope you'll find a suitable resolution soon,
GG x
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Did you go to work this morning?
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Cant add anything that someone hasnt already said, so just wanted to send you a :bighug:
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Get yourself to an employment lawyer. Take any emails, notes of.conversations, any wotnesses you can call on get professional advice. Do not just resign you might have a case.
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All I can say is I understand fully what you are going through. I had a complete breakdown 4 years ago just before finding out I was peri. My manager did not support me at all but bullied. She managed to destroy all the confidence I had left. I was signed off for 1 year. I had to fight through the union to get my job back. I still struggle every day. I am very lucky that other staff members have been very helpful and I am pretty sure my manager is starting the struggle herself. Give yourself some timeout until you are strong enough to make the correct decision x
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Sally - it is important to drop by so that we know how you are ;)
Donna: does having a supportive work group help - is the job the same?
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Sorry to be delayed in getting back. I spent the day with a friend yesterday in the countryside to try and get perspective.
I have done a lot of what you have already advised. Gone to HR, Union etc.
My boss is uber stressed and feels trapped I think. I feel totally like a second class citizen in the dynamic and it does not please me to say it. I have a HR lawyer friend who helped me construct a script for my back to work meeting which evidenced how my boss had mismanaged my phased return. Also my husband and my sister who have nursed me through this depression/menopausal episode- insisted that I also tell the meeting how I felt in my team and suggesting that I be moved. Using the opportunity to say it all to all of the right people at the same time. I took a risk basically and now my lawyer friend is saying "they will probably" try to get rid of you now". As you can imagine, I am now frantic that I have completely cocked everything up/said too much etc. But I was just asserting myself.
Boss is livid that I have exposed her and is picking at me more. Now I feel that Ive made it all worse.
SallyG
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Sorry to be delayed in getting back. I spent the day with a friend yesterday in the countryside to try and get perspective.
I have done a lot of what you have already advised. Gone to HR, Union etc.
My boss is uber stressed and feels trapped I think. I feel totally like a second class citizen in the dynamic and it does not please me to say it. I have a HR lawyer friend who helped me construct a script for my back to work meeting which evidenced how my boss had mismanaged my phased return. Also my husband and my sister who have nursed me through this depression/menopausal episode- insisted that I also tell the meeting how I felt in my team and suggesting that I be moved. Using the opportunity to say it all to all of the right people at the same time. I took a risk basically and now my lawyer friend is saying "they will probably" try to get rid of you now". As you can imagine, I am now frantic that I have completely cocked everything up/said too much etc. But I was just asserting myself.
Boss is livid that I have exposed her and is picking at me more. Now I feel that Ive made it all worse.
SallyG
Sally:
1. Keep a record of what your boss is doing now - and maybe email it on a daily basis to HR and the Union (so its in writing).
2. Go back to HR and Union and demand some action on their part. Asking to be moved would be a good one. Don't let this situation drag out - if you can get a Dr's note saying how bad it has been for your recovery and return to work, maybe that will shift them into action more quickly.
3. Asserting yourself is good so don't second guess your actions. If you hadn't asserted yourself, the horrible dynamic you were in may have continued to the detriment of your health. Now it's out in the open. Your boss doesn't like it - but that's her problem, not yours (keep reminding yourself of that - you are not responsible for her reactions or her behaviour).
4. In difficult situations, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better - and it sounds like that is where you are at the moment. Take as much time as you can outside of work to nourish yourself if you're not able to step away from this work situation even temporarily.
Sending lots of hugs. You are not a second class citizen in this - your boss is behaving unprofessionally, not you.
xxxxx
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Oh well said Greenfields. Sally - if you are aware that your immediate 'boss' is under pressure then maybe it's time for you, HR and her to discuss it. Not necessarily asking exactly what is 'wrong' as that is private but HR should be telling her that any problems in her private live or within the company hierarchy should not impact on those in her Team ;) - again assertive to gain respect all round.
Weekend soon! Glad you were able to get away from 'it' with a friend ………. :bighug:
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Greenfields and CKLD, thank you. I know you are absolutely right. Ive had it for a year now and I just snapped I think and couldn't take it any more.Thank you for caring enough to give me such thoughtful responses.
Sally G. Hugs
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Sometimes it takes a good snap to get stuff done! either within the work place or in our heads, when we know it might be time to find another job.
Any plans for the weekend?
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Well said Greenfields & CLKD.
Hang in there Sally you are doing so well.
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:thankyou:
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Yes I went to London for the weekend with my daughter and we saw some exhibitions etc. I was with a good friend for moral support too. I just have this horrible feeling that by "defending myself effectively"
I "offended" my boss. Do you see. And now she is really on my case.The big boss is due to retire in september on grounds of ill health but seems to be alert to the fact that this is not an ideal situation.
But she is a bully and very volatile too. We have team building on tuesday so I hope that will turn situation around in terms of dynamic.
Thanks again
words fail me to thank you for the hope you have given me Greenfields and CKLD.
Sally G
love and hugs
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Yes I went to London for the weekend with my daughter and we saw some exhibitions etc. I was with a good friend for moral support too. I just have this horrible feeling that by "defending myself effectively"
I "offended" my boss. Do you see. And now she is really on my case.The big boss is due to retire in september on grounds of ill health but seems to be alert to the fact that this is not an ideal situation.
But she is a bully and very volatile too. We have team building on tuesday so I hope that will turn situation around in terms of dynamic.
Thanks again
words fail me to thank you for the hope you have given me Greenfields and CKLD.
Sally G
love and hugs
Love and hugs right back at you! xxxx I was in London Saturday - too bad we didn't meet up! (although I only managed 4 hours).
Unfortunately, in these things sometimes people have to be offended before they change their behaviour - but it's the last thing one needs when one's dealing with recovering from an illness too - so you have my heartfelt sympathy xxx
I hope Tuesday goes okay ... sometimes these things have to be aired and sorted out but it's not very pleasant to be part of. It's good that the big boss is alert to the situation. Bullying behaviour needs to be tackles though - if it wasn't you, she'd be doing it to someone else. Bullies are people who feel insecure in themselves - that's why they bully. But, of course, it often doesn't feel like that when you're on the receiving end of such behaviour.
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: although I only managed 4 hours : you managed *4 hours* ;) - in this house nothing is 'only' or 'just' - Mum would tell me 'you are only a secretary' or 'it's just anxiety' however >:( :-X
SallyG - did you speak with your GP yet? Glad you have got away from the situation, London wouldn't be my first choice as it's too crowded and would involve a train trip :-\ …….
What does 'team building' actually mean? For me absolutely nothing, it was a waste of Company money as an outside company were brought in to run these 'building' sessions which proved nowt ::)
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How has the week been in general SallyG?
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Thanks for asking CLKD. Actually things have shifted for the better. Team building was really effective. Coach leading session totally got the dynamic and really challenged my boss throughout the day. A lot was said and aired so it was good. But it was the worst week overall I can remember in terms of work.
My hormones are raging today - onwards and upwards hey?
SallyG
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Hopefully your immediate boss will be less niggling - maybe have a quiet word with HR and get them to speak with her about any problems that may be making her niggly ;)
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Thanks for asking CLKD. Actually things have shifted for the better. Team building was really effective. Coach leading session totally got the dynamic and really challenged my boss throughout the day. A lot was said and aired so it was good. But it was the worst week overall I can remember in terms of work.
My hormones are raging today - onwards and upwards hey?
SallyG
Oh I'm so glad to hear that Sally. It sounds like people have sussed out the dynamic that is going on with your boss if she was challenged throughout the day. These things can be intensely stressful and I suspect she'll be sore for a while ... but if she's got any sense, she'll change her behaviour. Keep a record of any slips she makes if she starts reverting to type - and don't hesitate to mail it to HR. I really hope that the next few weeks are easier on your heart, hormone and stress levels - it's the last thing you need at the moment but if you can get through it, you'll come out the other side so much stronger.
Hugs xxxx