Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Other Health Discussion => Topic started by: honeybun on June 05, 2015, 01:25:49 PM
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And I don't know why.
I lie in bed at night and imagine the worse possible things such as hubby not wakening up in the morning and what life would be like......just awful thoughts that run through my mind.
I have always been a glass half full person so to be thinking this kind of thing is really horrible.
I think we have spoken about this before years ago and I'm pretty sure I contributed but I've not had these kinds of thoughts for a long time.....and now out of the blue here they are again.
I know hubby has had his health issues but things are an improving picture so why on earth am I thinking like this.
Maybe an age thing.
Anyone else get these intrusive thoughts.
Honeybun
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Me too. I get them at the most odd moments. I can be happy as Larry one minute and then suddenly have some very random thoughts about DH not making it home (he works away at the beginning of the week) and what if DD is too anxious to enjoy Uni (she's sitting opposite me, studying like mad for A Levels). What happens to DD and DS if DH and I go away for a night and don't make it back? I could go on... but it will make my cry.
Those bloomin' "What ifs..." It takes me ages to wind down from it and get my thoughts back under control.
Galadriel x
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I think about these things, not that they will happen but what 'if'
I honestly thought it was normal because we have a fear of losing loved ones? I've lost both my parents and had a SIL pass, all 3 were sudden with no illness, so I'm aware that my loved ones are here today and God forbid there's a chance not tomorrow
And this contributes to my mindset that when I leave their company I always hug and kiss them and tell them 'love you' and I don't ever have cross words with them, disagreements yes as in differing opinions but never fall outs
Annie xx
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I do the same Annie. I always tell them I love them when saying good bye in person or on the phone, just in case my number's up.
Galadriel x
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Yep.
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Not that i wish this on anyone but I'm glad it's not just me. Not going completely mad quite yet.
I suppose we become more aware of our own mortality as we get older but it's just magnified a bit at the moment.
It's when you live with someone for so long you just can't imagine what life could possibly be like if they weren't there anymore.
To be honest it scares me...a lot.
Thoughts like that need to remain unthought if you see what I mean.
Honeybun
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Yes - I've had these thoughts since OH's heart spats late last / early this year.
I'd had them to a lesser extent in the past.
Much more now.
I'me very aware of not going to sleep or parting ways in a bad temper
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Thank goodness it's not just me. I think about how I'd react if hubby didn't waken. He suffers with sleep apnoea & stops breathing sometimes, not just for a few seconds either. Scary!
I also wonder what he'd do if I didn't waken. He'd never manage things like washing machine, cooking anything other than microwave meals.
I've often said he'd never cope without me.
Brother's first wife in final stages of cancer, taught my brother all he needed to know about such things. Going suddenly is a different story.
As for life afterwards, doesn't bear thinking about really.
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Yes definitely, intrusive thoughts that I just can't stop - so know what you mean, morbidity, dread. I imagine the worst possible things as well, in the night, when I've been woken by a night sweat / adrenaline surge. It's got so much worse since my lovely Mum died last year, it was traumatic (and one of the worst possible things, for real) - now her poor little dog is so ill. It has changed my awareness in a way that I can't change back and I find myself so much more anxious and dithery since then. OH tells me that we all have to try and come to terms with reality / the mortality of every living creature, the cycle of life, be more philosophical about it - just can't get my head around it.
Somehow I manage to drag myself out of the dark thoughts - but it takes a lot of effort and distraction.
"Thoughts like that need to remain unthought if you see what I mean." So true. I wish I knew how to keep a lid on them - really do understand your fear thoughts HB.
Night_Owl
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One reason why I felt overwhelmed this morning. Fear that DH will die soon. Worry about what will happen after my Mum dies ……. clearing the house and keeping Gob Tight Shut when (d)S arrives. Feelings of sudden rush of fear every night as we get into bed, 'another day done, another day closer :-\ ' ……….
Fear that the panic will take over completely :'(.
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As has been said " glad its not just me!". I have been doing this for past 40 years though ::)
What I do is think - well I can spend all my day worrying and being miserable or I can enjoy whatever time I have left or time my DH has left because we have no idea when it will happen other than it will and I would rather enjoy now- saying that my dread thoughts usually attack one a day but I refuse to let them gallop by thinking the above.
Mind you in trying to enjoy myself I usually end up overdoing things and then my poor crippled spine shouts at me and then the thought comes back ;D ;D
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For some of us, think the strong low estrogen / low serotonin connection = low mood, morbid thoughts etc etc plays a bit part - for example, the other week I tried yet again to come off the patch and more or less the next day the doom and gloom dread thoughts got much much worse - and did lessen after I slapped it back on again.
You're so right CB, we need to enjoy the now - the upside of the gloomy (mortality) awareness is appreciating what we have in the present.
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Yes me too! They are horrid and I feel like mine pop-up just to taunt me!
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I get these thoughts too. Even more since my Mom died in January. Its a horrible feeling that your loved ones are going to die. Used to get it when my Children were small too but I used to worry about me dying and who would bring them up. Its awful but glad I am not the only one who gets these feelings.
Wonder if the men get the same or is it just us women.
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My hubby and I have never discussed dying or death of either of us. I have told him I want to be cremated but he has never really responded. It's a discussion that needs to be done but I suspect I will be the one talking as he disappears out of the room.
I used to say I wasn't afraid of dying just the manner in which I get there but now I'm not so sure.
I worry in the dark of the night about how I would manage...how he would manage, would the kids be ok.....such rediculous stuff that I can't even be in control of.
My sensible head says....stop,and don't be so stupid....my in the dark head frets over it all.
Honeybun
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Its funny isn't it Honeybun how we worry about things that we have no control over. A good friend of mine always says that the day we are born the book of life opens and the day we die the book reaches its last page and the book closes, also everything in that book that is meant to happen to us, good or bad will happen regardless and I suppose its true.
Like you I am always the practical one for discussing death. My OH turns a deaf ear but I prefer to have my wishes carried out and have told my children what I would like, even down to the music that I want played. We don't like to have these morbid thoughts but one day for sure it will happen, although I hope its a few years off yet
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We have Power of Attorney for each. We made a Will which needs up-dating. I wear an SOS bracelet with my donor wishes on as well as having them on the National Donor Register. DH doesn't seem to consider these issues. I'm the 1 tossing and turning in the night as that lurch hits my stomach as I drop off to sleep :'(
Good topic Honeybun. 12+ years ago my dog was pts. Lots of problems around those last 48 hours [long story short]. Owning pets causes huge amounts of anxiety for me so I know that I won't be able to do so again. Last week DH found a framed photo of a dog like I had ……. and bought it for me ….. I had to show I was pleased but these days I'll walk by such photos.
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He came into the room ::) …….
I know I am unlikely to cope without him (see thread from 2012 Tour de France :-\ ) and worry about what will happen. I often think that I will creep away somewhere unseen …….. so people can't chivvy me on!
I walk by photos (see above) because it reminds me that I can't have a pet and it pulls at my heart strings, my heart was broken in 2002 :'( …….. so I try to ignore anything that brings back memories ……… but inside I HURT and am sobbing almost continually at this time of year ………
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My husband died from cancer when I was 49, we had been together for 21 years and he was my soulmate. He was diagnosed in 2002, had a stem cell transplant that they thought would give him 5 years remission, it returned in 2005, he had another stem cell transplant but that one didn't work and he died in 2006. I was so terrified of him dying and what would become of me that when that day did come I couldn't quite believe that I had survived - the thing that I was so terrified of happening had happened and I was still standing and, to top it all, looking through a coffin catalogue in an undertakers office.
There were about two hundred people at his funeral and I had hired a pub by the Thames for everyone to go to afterwards. I went to the loo to comb my hair and put some lipstick on and thought to myself 'I need to go and find (husbands name) now'. That's when it struck me, he isn't there and will never be there again!
This all happened before the dreaded meno symptoms started, I know I wouldn't be able to cope with all that in my present state, everything frightens me now :'(
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Oh Judith I'm so sorry.
You are a very strong lady, you are still standing and have faced and are still facing what keeps me awake at night.
I so hope I didn't upset you with this topic.
Honeybun
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Bless you Judith, you've experienced our fears
Big hugs
Annie xx
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Hi HB I was upset by the thread but then I thought if I tell it like it is it might help some people, life goes on and you have to find ways to cope.
Hug your husbands close to you tonight xxxxx
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I don't know how people do cope. I look at Mum and however much she annoys me, she is up and at it! 88 and keeping going ….. all my immediate relatives have lived into their 80s …….. those on DH's side too.
I had the 'must tell XXXX' experience - he was away at College and I was at a family 'do' (his side ::) ) - I had been enjoying it until I turned round and he wasn't there. It's awful, for whatever reason, not having anyone to share with. Mum says she is lonely in the evenings ……….
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Just been thinking about an old Woody Allen film - can't remember the name but he thinks he has a brain tumour. He says 'I wish it was yesterday, I was happy yesterday'. His friend says 'no you weren't you were miserable yesterday'. He replies 'no, I was happy but I didn't know I was'.
That struck a chord with me years ago and I think about it sometimes when I am worried with no reason ;)
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:thankyou: ………
……… it's as I drop to sleep that these thoughts take over. Memories. Fears. Issues that I did/said over the years and never apologised for or issues that I was unable to alter :'(
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I get these intrusive thoughts too. For me they usually happen when I first wake up, but will also happen during the day if I allow myself to dwell on them. I don't know if it's menopause related because I'm on HRT and for everything else it's working very well, but lately I've just been having this overall feeling of anxiety and depression.
Maybe for me it's just that I'm going through an enormous change in my life. My mother recently passed away, which in itself isn't the problem, but I gave up work because of the inheritance money. I've always dreamed of the day when I could "retire", but now that it's here it's not what I thought it would be.
What do you do with all this spare time? When I think that there is a very good chance that I could live for another 40 years (I'm 56 and a lot of my family live into their 90s) I become depressed and overwhelmed thinking "what the f*** am I going to do with the next 40 years". I'm trying to find different things to take an interest in, or maybe different groups to join, but nothing really inspires me, and a lot of groups for "retired" people have a much older demographic than me. It's a complete shock that I'm reacting this way. I was always the sort of person that enjoyed my own company, but now I find that I'm starting to dislike it.
All her life my mother suffered from a depressive "woe is me" personality and I'm really worried I'm now starting to take after her and that scares me, because I've always been the total opposite of her, and a very positive person who was very contented with my life.
Normally in the past I was quite happy to come home to just my two cats, but now whenever I look around me everyone I know has someone else in their life - whether it be a partner or children or friends who invite them to things. I've got friends, but I always get frustrated that I always have to do the inviting. Very rarely do they invite me anywhere - which is just adding to my "woe is me" thing.
Sigh - grumble over....
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What do you do with all this spare time? When I think that there is a very good chance that I could live for another 40 years (I'm 56 and a lot of my family live into their 90s) I become depressed and overwhelmed thinking "what the f*** am I going to do with the next 40 years". I'm trying to find different things to take an interest in, or maybe different groups to join, but nothing really inspires me, and a lot of groups for "retired" people have a much older demographic than me. It's a complete shock that I'm reacting this way. I was always the sort of person that enjoyed my own company, but now I find that I'm starting to dislike it.
Have you considered volunteering at all?
I was concerned when my older sister retired recently as she suffers depression and although fed up of work, the void could have easily consumed her. Research has shown that 'having a purpose' and 'giving back' are strong keys to happiness - the feeling of satisfaction stops that empty feeling. My sister's started volunteering at a local hospital - ironic as she's a medic herself and I thought she'd have wanted a break from this, but I guess it's different when you have the freedom to work when you want and doing essentially what you want. She's also helping out with a local food bank and is loving it.
Just a thought?
GG x
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Yes I did a shift with the RSPCA last week in their adoption/customer service area, but I wasn't that happy dealing with the public, so next week I start in the "incoming cats" section where I will just be dealing with and cleaning up after the new cats coming in that haven't been assessed yet. Hopefully I will like that more. Fortunately the RSPCA here has a "euthanasia is the last resort" policy so I won't have to deal with that hopefully.
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Yes I did a shift with the RSPCA last week in their adoption/customer service area, but I wasn't that happy dealing with the public, so next week I start in the "incoming cats" section where I will just be dealing with and cleaning up after the new cats coming in that haven't been assessed yet. Hopefully I will like that more. Fortunately the RSPCA here has a "euthanasia is the last resort" policy so I won't have to deal with that hopefully.
I've always found dealing with animals and nature far more fun that dealing with the public. Shame my work is built around the latter :) The cat section sounds fun though I'm sure they'll give you a challenge - they do like to let you know they're in charge :)
GG x
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I've always been more of an animal person than a people person, and I've always been good with cats. Even most cats that I see on my morning walk often come up for a bit of a chat and a chin rub. So I'm sure I'll be able to make the stressed ones feel a bit more relaxed, just as long as their homeless plight doesn't get too stressful for me, or I don't feel so sorry for any of them that I'll want to adopt them. My current fur babies would not be happy with that outcome ..lol....
It will only be 3.5 hours a week at this stage (although if I really like it I may be able to volunteer for another shift), so I still need to find some other things to keep me occupied, but I'm sure it will work itself out given time. As a friend said to me yesterday - "You've worked for 40 years and you've been retired for 2 months. These things take time".
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Dana you could also vol. at any local charity shops. If you don't like dealing directly with the public at the moment you could work with the other vols.out the back sorting stuff. I work in our local hospice charity shops and we are always desperate for help. My mum died at the hospice 16 years ago so this is my way of giving back to them for their invaluable support t a truely horrendous time. It really is a win win role we all usually have a good laugh albeit hard work.
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Volunteering can be what you want it to be - if you like walking, join The Ramblers? Does your GP Surgery require anyone to do general filing duties a few hours a week? A friend goes to School 2 mornings a week to hear and encourage slow readers.
I love being retired. I never have enough hours in the day ::) - up, breakfast by the ponds, sorting chores; gardening/walking/charity shops - on here ……. look at your interests over the years and see what is local to you?
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Dana - I totally sympathise. I semi-retired two years ago and whilst I have done lots of work of various types since, it took me this long to realise that what I missed was the camaraderie, the continuity of seeing same people and having a routine. Now I often don't see anyone but my OH all day [and he is out for most of it] and have to admit to overwhelming loneliness. I think this is what is causing me health anxiety as I have nothing else to think about.
I have applied for voluntary work one day a week, started yoga and piloga but really need somewhere to meet people.
It never occurred to me that I would feel like this - I used to long for p and q, but I suppose you only appreciate something when it isn't all day every day with no alternative.
It's a bugger, isn't it? But try volunteering, there will be a local volunteers bureau somewhere near you.
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Yep missing folk around with whom to have a laugh and a joke with happened to me. Whilst I had a dog it was OK as I would meet people/Vets ……. then there was a void until I began 'baby-sitting' :cat scratch: and :scottie:.
Going to the village shop brightens my morning ;) as does being in a Supermarket or garden centre ::). Usually someone to share a word/several with.
Let us know what you decide Dana? Most Councils have Volunteering Bureuax and will know the gaps locally.
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Same here HB, it's horrible
Judith , you have been through our nightmares and survived. Thank you for posting to help others even though it is upsetting for you. Big hugs
PN x x
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I missed this thread, it started when I was on holiday. I am so glad I am not unusual or 'wrong' in having these thoughts. thank you to everyone who has posted, especially you, Judith ((hug)).
Here's a thought. Could the regular terrible and tragic things going on in the world today which we hear about on the news make these kinds of thoughts more likely. I can't think how awful it would be for your family to go off on their holiday and not return :'( .
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I was just remembering something earlier, when my husband was ill I used to be terrified if I saw one magpie, in the time period between his death and his funeral I came across one magpie in the local park and it gave me huge pleasure to say out loud 'F*** Off Magpie, you don't scare me anymore'. My terrible fear had been replaced by grief but also huge pride in my husband and the way he approached his death with courage and dignity. I was full of love for him and no longer full of fear xx
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bless you Judith x
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I so admire you, Judith, and wish you happiness - you have/have had so much to cope with. xxx
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Thank you Jenna, this pelvic pain is really taking me to the limit though :'(
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I can well imagine, Judith - it must be terrible for you. I have had treated (well, eventually!) VA for years and then a couple of years ago it started showing itself in a different way as severe soreness in the undercarriage department (!) and even just that hurt to sit down/get in and out of the car/walk etc., and that nearly finished me off, so I dread to think how you must feel. Mine was eventually sorted out over twelve months later after going through all the antibiotic/thrush treatments, again, when it wasn't that at all - just how it was treated at first all those years ago, when what I needed was oestrogen! I really hope things will improve for you - I know that it is such a difficult condition to treat. :'( xxxx
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I know, nobody seems to know how to mend me! I have now developed a frozen shoulder so struggle to just clip my hair up at the moment :'(. My body seems to keep finding new ways to torment me...anyway, it's past 6 'o' clock now so I can have a glass of wine :)
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Cheers Judith, just poured myself a glass and I am toasting you x x
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Thank you PN cheers :thankyou: