Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Other Health Discussion => Topic started by: Spangles on June 03, 2015, 03:40:23 PM
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Hi Ladies
I have started to experience heightened anxiety and nausea again. There hasn't been any triggers as such so I'm putting it down to my hormones! However my son is coming back home in a couple of weeks after being away for four years at uni! To tell you the truth as much as I love him I'm used to just me and the OH. Am I being selfish and a horrible mum when I think I don't want him to be home full time? Has anyone else felt like this? I'm starting to dislike myself for feeling this way. Obviously he can live at home for as long as he needs to, I think we have just adjusted to a quiet life.
Thank you
Shellb
xXx
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Hi shellb - difficult one this isn't it? Both my elder two sons came home for a while after university - but we still have a younger son so not used to being just us. Personally I really like having them all and miss them terribly ( youngest due to start last year at uni in September). However it can be daunting especially if your hormones are playing up.
Does he have a plan about what he wants to do? Might be an idea to have that discussion after he's recovered from his final year. With mine we gave them until the end of the academic year ( ie end August) to chill out and do their own thing and said after that they should pay something towards their keep since they were adults and had been away. First son could not get any sort of job for a long while as it was after the 2008 crash so he was on JSA. Nevertheless we asked him to contribute a quarter of this on principle so that he wouldn't just sit back and let us pay for everything. He eventually was at home for two years but the second year he had a professional job ( which he hated) but which gave good experience so he could move away and get onto a graduate scheme and now has a very good job (with that same company).
Second son had no idea what he wanted to do and also didn't get a job and we did the same - signed on and got JSA while he looked around. He didn't stay at home long - because fortunately in our case we live in rural SW and both having been to city universities - found it was completely dead here so there was nothing to do and no public transport. He went in the October to live with no 1 son but then moved back to his uni city where he is now.
I'm not sure how that helps you but it's the conversation that's important and also about who will do what re chores so that you don't suffer physically and have to worry about that. Mine did all their washing when they came back ( after all I was working) and I tried to get them to cook once a week - although that didn;t always work. They changed their beds and cleaned their rooms ( or not!) and also did odd things I asked eg the shopping (if they had a car).
Of course it depends also on your circumstances, your son's disposition and where you live!
Try to look upon it as positive time that you can help your son choose how he is going to take his next steps....
Hurdity x
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My Mum once said that we grow out of our children. In other words, we move on to build new lives. That's not selfish nor does it mean you love them any the less. But they have moved on as well. You are normal!
Sadly, many children have no choice, but to move back home in this day and age, rather than seek independence away from you. So you will need to lovingly talk, decide on boundaries, negotiate chores, finances etc together. I found that both my children came back with a new appreciation of home with none of the teenage angst. Eventually they were able to move on and we adapted accordingly. Don't be tempted to do too much for him!
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Mum gave us wings to fly ;)
Decide as parents how much parenting you are going to be prepared to do! How much you expect in the way of him doing chores around house and garden, whether he will have his own key so that he can come and go and whether you expect a curfew. How much you will take off him for 'keep', whether he has access to the washer etc.. It is your home and your Rules ;)
Then enjoy his company! You got him thus far ………. he may come home full of ideas so you need to be prepared not to like some of them ;D
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Hi Hurdity
Thanks for your reply and advice. I love having him around but in small doses, this is because when he has come home for holidays he's treated the place like a hotel and not really contributed to the chores etc, but that is my fault I know. If he was to work and contribute it wouldn't be so bad, in fact it would be lovely but as of yet he has no job. He is actively looking but can easily get in a rut and this is what I me afraid of. I know there will be arguments too and that I'm not looking forward too because that makes everyone unhappy. I suppose I have to be understanding and patient whilst helping him the best I can. I will be having the chat with him so we will have to be patient and see.
Thanks again
Shellb
xXx
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That was then, you are dealing with now!!! coming back from a holiday is a totally different scenario.
Whose house is it? Even if he is out of work he can contribute: doing chores if not financially. What are his strengths, i.e. does he like cooking - if so hand over the kitchen to him several evenings a week or alternate weekends? He can go out to do the shopping if given a list? Lawns, car maintenance, hanging out washing ……. if he had his own place these things need doing ;)
What don't you like doing around the house, i.e. I hate ironing …….
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Thank you CLKD and JuJu
It will be so much different having him home after he has been away for so long, but as you all say a nice chat and some boundary setting and hopefully things will be fine.
Thank you
Shellb
xXx
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Things *will* be fine. What does your husband think?
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Hi CLKD
He likes a quiet life!
Has always left the 'nitty gritty' to me, but he does say we all need to discuss things.
Im going to let him lead this one I think!
xXx
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:-\ do you think he will though? Mine is non-confrontational and would walk in hot custard rather than face 'the talk' ::)
Make a list of what you expect to happen, put it in front of him and ask him to contribute? then consolidate. Maybe send a note to DS before he comes home :D along the lines of 'we will have a talk once you are home' ;)
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Oh, please don't start the talk until he has been at home for a few weeks. They are under a lot of pressure in fourth year and they need to wind down for a wee while before facing the real world.
He probably doesn't want to move back on a permenant basis anymore than you want him to, but he probably doesn't have much choice. None of them really want to come back under mum and dads roof after they have lived independently. But needs must.
Both have mine have moved out and moved back....my son more than once.
He did contribute to the household finances when he could but there were no rules and regulations such as a curfew....he is an adult :o.....that simply doesn't work. My son came and went as he wanted. He did do a bit of cooking, I did his washing along with ours....why run the machine twice...he did some grass cutting too. He kept his own room tidy...I think, as I never went in.
But he was an adult and was treated as one....they do respond to that.
He is now out on his own but comes home often to stay for a night or two and I love to see him.
Enjoy him, we only have them for such a short time before they are off for good....it doesn't have to be a trial and you will soon adapt to having three in the house instead of two. And you will miss him like crazy when he goes....I know I do.
Honeybun
X
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Thanks Honeybun
I do need to establish some boundaries with him and yes he is an adult and treated as such, however my sone has a tendancy to take the proverbial if he's not reminded every now and then. I do love him being here but he has a very different lifestyles to us and sometimes the two can clash and this is where the stress comes in!
I can't wait to see him though and help him along with the next chapter.
Thank you
Shellb
xXx
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Hopefully he will get a job soon.
It took my son a while but he eventually got there and is doing really well now.
Mind you he is 26 now ;D and he finally left home at 24.
Sorry.....bet that scared you ;D ;D
Honeybun
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;D ……. crikey, we were married and away at 22 :o ………..
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Changed times CLKD, the young ones struggle to get a job that pays enough to keep themselves.
I wouldn't want either of my two married at that age. I was 24 and I think I was probably too young.
Honeybun
X
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I knew :-*
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Totally agree ladies!
My son is 23, I was expecting him at 23!
Times do change, oh dear, I sound like my granny!
I've woken feeling really sick and anxious again, I really do think the hormones have to take some responsibility for this.
xXx
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Totally agree ladies!
My son is 23, I was expecting him at 23!
Times do change, oh dear, I sound like my granny!
I've woken feeling really sick and anxious again, I really do think the hormones have to take some responsibility for this.
xXx
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I tend to lean more to Honeybuns way of thinking
Of my 3 offspring only youngest at 20 is still at home, my daughter is married with children, son #2 lives with his dad but would live with us if we had a room for him
Youngest is honest that he wants independence and I respect that but life today is totally different to when we were younger, I had a mortgage at 19 , and due to relationship breakdowns, am struggling to get one now with ridiculous deposits required
I think within a year youngest will be gone, and by then middle one will be earning enough to move out. try to remember this phase will very soon be a memory.
We treat youngest as a flat mate and step in as parents when he needs guidance, I want to wave him off with good memories, as I did the first 2, not move out because he couldn't stand living with us
We do have rules, and the main one is he's not allowed to have girls overnight! My kids dad lets them do literally what they want but they come to me for advice. In my experience giving my kids boundaries gave them security and they know where they're at with me, I still remain very close with all 3 of them and I'm proud of that
But I am going to embrace the time when it's just me and OH and the fur babies !
Annie xx
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Oh Annie
Me the OH and the dog, pure bliss!
Yes, I think that whilst he is an adult and is treated as such, we still need to establish a few boundaries.
xXx
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I did have two rules, like Annie....No girls overnight and if he wasn't coming home he was to text.
That was it. He lived with us as an equal and we are very close which I love.
Him and my daughter are coming on holiday with us, something they have not done in years....Just because they want to, so I must have done something right ;D
I couldn't wait to get away from my mother's interfering, so I was determined not to be like that with my two.
Honeyb
x
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My 3 are always asking us to join them on their nights out !
And a couple of years ago #2 went to Zante for the summer and messaged OH asking if he could take me out there so he could show his new friends the 2 people he talks about so much! We couldn't keep up with all nighters but managed til about 4am and they all thought it was great that we used a quad bike the whole 10 days lol
Annie xx
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My son also came home after three years at Unit - he was a very troublesome teenager and university hadn't been a terrific academic success, so we were a bit worried. Especially as we had downsized and hadn't put aside a room for him! But he had grown up considerably and was lovely company. He found a job so was out a lot and had a TV in his room but it was lovely to eat with him and just generally enjoy having his around as an adult.
I ended up missing him a lot and love it when he comes round once a week for a meal. Give your son a chance, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Like honeybun, both our children are coming on holiday with us this year and I can't wait. I love their company now we have gone past the 'pick this up' 'time for bed' 'what on earth are you wearing' phase. In fact the last phrase is most often heard from them these days...
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I'm chuffed to have my two with us for a week despite my mothers and sisters comments that I am crazy to even consider it. They think they are taking advantage of a cheap holiday. I don't feel that way at all and im looking forward to it a lot.
Now the teenage years are over life is so much more peaceful ;D. Those teenage years were a trial.
Honeybun
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Let us know how you get on!
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Thank you so much ladies, your comments are reassuring.
I'm looking forward to his company again, he has an amazing sense of humour and we do laugh a lot. As for holidays he is always welcome to come along but chooses not to 😒 maybe he will change his mind as he hasn't had a break for a couple of years😃
xXx
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Or: you and DH could go on holiday and leave DS at home ;) everyone gets a break!
When's he due back?