Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Dandelion on May 19, 2015, 02:08:25 PM
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Hi
Although I have been on hrt since sept 2013, I have changed my hrt medication and i only started getting benefit from it once I went on to evorel 75mcgs in January of this year, now on evorel 100.
I also weaned off my antidepressant and have to admit I started drinking in october 2014.
I don't drink every day but I can put it away.
I also have depression and anxiety and my appetite goes down.
I was 13stone or a bit over in october, dunno when the weight loss started, but I am now just under 10 and a half stone.
I look better for it, but was wondering, would the hrt be responsible for this weight loss.
Before all this meno lark I used to be about 9st.
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Alcohol is a depressant and appetitie suppressant. Why are you drinking? What gap are you hoping to fill?
I was below 7st for years. In 2001 I put on nearly 2 stones because I didn't walk as often. It took me 14 months to get down to 8st 4. Now I'm 7 and a half again.
That loss isn't outside the range of 'normal'. When I was concerned I would go regularly to my GP Surgery and get my Nurse to weigh me so that it was recorded. Now I go twice a year - Spring and Autumn.
Make a list of your main worries perhaps? Negatives and plusses?
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Now you feel better are you doing more, eating better? If you can't say yes to those I would get it checked - unexplained weight loss is generally worth checking out as far as I know.
But you're probably just doing a lot more!
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Alcohol is a depressant and appetitie suppressant. Why are you drinking? What gap are you hoping to fill?
I was below 7st for years. In 2001 I put on nearly 2 stones because I didn't walk as often. It took me 14 months to get down to 8st 4. Now I'm 7 and a half again.
That loss isn't outside the range of 'normal'. When I was concerned I would go regularly to my GP Surgery and get my Nurse to weigh me so that it was recorded. Now I go twice a year - Spring and Autumn.
Make a list of your main worries perhaps? Negatives and plusses?
Hi CKLD
Aww you are a tiny teeny little woman :)
I have got some problems are not solvable,I have sought expert advice on these problems (not health related or meno related)
I just have to live with them, and I am learning to accept my lot, but sometimes my mood is so low that I reach for the drink.
When I drink alcohol, I also drink loads of glasses of water alongside it, pub, glass of cider, glass of water, home-bottle of cider, bottle of water.
While the water makes me feel better, I drink more, cos if there is no water, I can only drink so much booze.
I also had a peak at the NHS site.
This is one issue that I am genuinely not paranoid about, I just was curious, I've been going to post it for a while I went on the NHS site which was enormously helpful, and I have five weight-loss factors which they listed on their site.
I have depression
I have anxiety
I have bowel problems
I have a bit of lung damage
I have alcohol issues.
I won't be going to the doctors just yet. I'm really grateful for you and ancient runner for the feedback.
I do feel better for losing weight, I can breathe a bit better.
I don't been to sound vain, but I looked good at a buxom 13st+ but I look healthier at my current weight just under 10.5st.
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Have the bowel problems altered with the weight loss? If you read my other response, whilst away and walking a lot more, my pooh habits have been different. Less of a problem.
My height is 5 foot 1". So not really teeny ;). Have never smoked and don't like alcohol. Will have a sip sometimes if DH opens a bottle however ::) and have given up chocolate as my taste buds have altered.
Do you drink alone often?
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Hi Dandelion
If you have lost that much weight without trying and you haven't changed anything much then I would go to the doctor just to rule out any other problems - and put your mind at rest. No-one on here, nor the NHS website can tell you why you personally have lost weight (if you haven't been on a diet) so a check-up is in order, even though you can hazard a guess. However if you weaned yourself off the anti-depressant durding the same time that you lost the weight then this could be the reason. Some ADs are notorious for piling on the weight eg Fluoxetine, Seroxat and ones like that (so I understand).
Do get checked out - and is there any help you can get about the alcohol at all - you are doing so well generally - and really fantastic news (if the weight loss is healthy) that it is making you feel better and probably less hot, and more inclined to exercise too!
Hurdity x :)
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Alcohol is a depressant and appetitie suppressant. Why are you drinking? What gap are you hoping to fill?
I was below 7st for years. In 2001 I put on nearly 2 stones because I didn't walk as often. It took me 14 months to get down to 8st 4. Now I'm 7 and a half again.
That loss isn't outside the range of 'normal'. When I was concerned I would go regularly to my GP Surgery and get my Nurse to weigh me so that it was recorded. Now I go twice a year - Spring and Autumn.
Make a list of your main worries perhaps? Negatives and plusses?
Hi CKLD
Aww you are a tiny teeny little woman :)
I have got some problems are not solvable,I have sought expert advice on these problems (not health related or meno related)
I just have to live with them, and I am learning to accept my lot, but sometimes my mood is so low that I reach for the drink.
When I drink alcohol, I also drink loads of glasses of water alongside it, pub, glass of cider, glass of water, home-bottle of cider, bottle of water.
While the water makes me feel better, I drink more, cos if there is no water, I can only drink so much booze.
I also had a peak at the NHS site.
This is one issue that I am genuinely not paranoid about, I just was curious, I've been going to post it for a while I went on the NHS site which was enormously helpful, and I have five weight-loss factors which they listed on their site.
I have depression
I have anxiety
I have bowel problems
I have a bit of lung damage
I have alcohol issues.
I won't be going to the doctors just yet. I'm really grateful for you and ancient runner for the feedback.
I do feel better for losing weight, I can breathe a bit better.
I don't been to sound vain, but I looked good at a buxom 13st+ but I look healthier at my current weight just under 10.5st.
The weght loss could very well be due to all the things you listed I too loose weight when Im nervy
I dont eat much at the best of times when stress or depression hits food is a no go area
BUT the drink NOPE as u say if you reach for that drink when your stressed you have a problem
I lost my baby bro nearly 11 years ago from booze so I understand the drink temptation
My Mum was a white middle class prescrition drug addict its in the gens but by passed me
I smoke YES bad bad but when u loose your MUM to drugs your bro to Booze whats a few ciggies
You can when your ready get help re all the above Hunny we all have a story most of us
have had things in our life that have knocked us I was a battered child with a drug addicted MUM
Who the world thought was fantastic and wasnt I a lucky girl to have a Mum like her AHHH NOOOO
Dad wouldnt protect me or help he pretended it wasnt happening my brotehr was 6 yrs younger
That scars you for life it NEVER goes away but with help I learnt to accept it and realise it wasnt my fault I wasnt a bad wicked evilchild then as a teenager still be batters I became a whore you name it
Took till I was 50 odd to get help@only cos my son diagnosed with Auto immune disease no cure as yet
You think what the XXXXX why me what did I do wrong u didnt its just that life can be sh.... xxxx
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Does the anger ever go away SuziQ? I found that talking therapy helped me: discuss, decide, ditch. That left me able to deal with the 'now' and put my childhood on the back burner.
Fortunately I don't like alcohol! If someone is drinking alone that is not only sad but could lead to problems.
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My dear mum turned to alcohol during her menopause, and I just didn't understand it at the time
I do understand why she did now , but I'm not going to. My mum was the sweetest , loving, caring lady ever and I adored her but during those horrible years I can't delve for many good memories,
As a result of that I don't drink at home, I made myself a promise that as long as I'm not out at a function , I will be sober and on call for my children
If you don't stop drinking for yourself, but have children, please try to stop it for them, alcohol isn't the answer.
Lots of hugs
Annie xx
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I am very aware that I have compulsive tendencies. There is also a history of alcoholism on my mothers side of the family......so I am very very careful.
I don't drink every night, and I never drink spirits or cider or beer just two glasses of wine and that's it and always with dinner and never alone.
I think it could be very easy during meno to get on that slippery slope with alcohol. Especially when anxiety is around it would be very tempting to try and feel better by whatever means.
Dandelion, if you really feel you drink too much there is lots of help out there that will non judgemental. The risk of both high levels of oestrogen from your patch plus alcohol is not the best idea for your general health.
As the others have also said...any unexplained weight loss should be investigated. Alcohol has a lot of calories so in theory if you are drinking a lot then you should be putting on weight and not taking it off.
Hope you feel better soon.
Honeybun
X
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Thanks everyone for your contributions to this thread.
I know a lot of skinny alcholocs, but not many fat ones.
I was reassured by the NHS site, because I have five factors for weight loss, so I don't want to go to my doctor.
I know my patch is high 100mcg, but I was still getting some flushes on 75mcg, and I think 100mcg is what I need.
I hope my meno doesn't get any worse, ie, starting to flush on 100mcg, but at the moment I am happy with it.
As for the drinking, I drank less yesterday. I do drink socially, and I know me and my friends can act as drink-triggers for each other.
I am sure I don't have cancer, and I am not paranoid about it, but I don't want to go to the doctor in case they want me to try some time off hrt. That would be disaster for me, I couldn't go through that again.
My bowels are still not working properly. My poo is really smelly but they are working better, I am not pooing liquid any more, sorry for the tmi, but there is a marked improvement in that area.
Because I have depression and some unsolvable problems, I sometimes wish for cancer. I met an old friend the other day who I hadn't seen for about 8yrs and he told me he had terminal cancer. He doesn't want to die, he said, before he got diagnosed, that he had got into keep fit and mountain biking and was enjoying it, he used to like his drugs but not any more, excercise is his interest now.
He was being really brave about it. I was a bit jealous, but that is only the depression.
I don't want another five years of Torys victimising people like me.
I used to work and have a £500 per month pension, but it is not enough to live on.
I get penalised cos I have this pension and if they cut my benefits it will be disasterous.
I bought a flat when I was working, so I am a homeowner, like the tories love, but their cuts could o make me homeless, if I cannot pay my mortgage and bills.
I will have to dip into my savings and when they run out, god help me, if I don't have enough money.
I am too vulnerable to be homeless, but the council wont be obliged to house me, as I may very well end up with a housing related debt, because this flat has a shortish lease and it has been breached, so if i do manage to make a profit from the auction, if this flat is reposessed, the money will go to the freeholder to make the lease right.
I have sought professional advice from this, CAB directed me to the legal adivsors in the lease people, they were lovely but confirmed my problems.
So, thank you Dave Cameron, if I am made homeless, I was a hard-working member of society before illness struck and my employer had to retire me.
I will look for work if I am stuck, but because I am ill, no employer would want to employ me.
I can't interact with people too long and this came up in my work, I was vulnerable to abuse from work colleagues, and at the time I was working, I was drinking way more than I am now. It was a bigger problem back then.
I am getting an ADHD assessment, and a diagnosis will be a positive thing for me, because I will the right help then. Maybe the right meds, to stop me drinking and doing drugs.
Now, I will monitor my weight and if I lose more I may go to the doctor, but I will NOT worry about cancer, because I know a lot of women don't want cancer and feel themselves for lumps etc, and get paranoid about it, (can't blame them if meno is making them over anxious)
I am more worried about my flat, and things going wrong in the flat, as I have to pay for it myself, but a very kind charity organised funding for a new heating system and two upvc windows, which I am eternally grateful for.
Once this ADHD diagnosis come in, and I get the right help and am put on the right meds, I know things will improve for me.
I had to wean off my AD, but I feel better for it, I am more able to feel and be aware, which is invaluable.
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What support do you get from the various agencies, i.e. Alcoholics Anoymous as well as various drug assistance Groups? Being with people who really understand can be useful, it can also lead to assistance with sourcing the various money assistances that you may be entitled to.
It can be hard work, becoming a round and round situation ::). Let us know how you get on!
As for smelly pooh, it is due to what we eat! I find a small helping of granola for breakfast with milk keeps me less hungry than toast, stops me grabbing 'junk'-type food ::).
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What support do you get from the various agencies, i.e. Alcoholics Anoymous as well as various drug assistance Groups? Being with people who really understand can be useful, it can also lead to assistance with sourcing the various money assistances that you may be entitled to.
It can be hard work, becoming a round and round situation ::). Let us know how you get on!
As for smelly pooh, it is due to what we eat! I find a small helping of granola for breakfast with milk keeps me less hungry than toast, stops me grabbing 'junk'-type food ::).
AA is like a cult, but there is a group near me, formed by ex alcoholics.
They just say don't drink, do what I am doing and try not to drink.
I haven't been to the group for a while, because I just do what they would advise, as I used to go. We sit round a table and each person gets a chance to talk. You don't have to talk if you don't want.
It didn't really help me, because I know not to drink anyway.
As for the money, I have already sourced the entitlements I should get with the right agencies, but these benefits may be cut.
The tories don't like the disabled, end of. Some people dont, but many won't admit it. I think anti-disabled people are just scared in case they become disabled and disabled people remind them of their fears.
As for the gut problem, I have been diagnosed with wheat intolerance, not coeliac, so the doctor said I am not eligible for an NHS diet but to go wheat free, which I tried, but it is way too expensive for me and it's not so simple as buying wheat free foods instead of alcohol, like many would think. I used to think the same, but now that I have met fellow people with addiction problems, I know that addiction is a compulsion, a disease, so I am thankful for having met them to facilitate this understanding.
I need my savings for my home, every sensible homeowner should have savings, these are not meant to buy drink and they are not meant for me to dip into to pay bills.
My DLA pays for a private telephone counsellor, who I love, and talk to monthly, if this is cut, no more counselling, thanks again Dave Cameron and your crew.
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Dandelion I'm so sorry to hear of the problems you are facing with housing - I'm renting in a precarious situation and hoping to be better by August so I can move back to Canada otherwise I might be at risk of homelessness too if my landlord isn't willing to renew my tenancy in Sept (am not able to work and don't qualify for many benefits because I have too much saved - so that has to go down before I qualify for more help).
I mention this because I know how damn stressful it is to be living with a sense that one could be homeless at some point - it's very difficult to live with a stress like that constantly in the background.
You mentioned seeing the CAB. One thing that has helped me has been the decision I made to register as a client of a local mental health agency (I had a nervous breakdown in combination with my menopausal imbalance in March). In some ways it feels really weird to be a client as part of me feels quite competent but the housing issue was overwhelming. Now I'm a client of this agency, I have a support worker and she will step in and support me if my landlord is not helpful with respect to renewing my tenancy in September. It's taken a tiny amount of the pressure off me as I now know that, if things do go pear shaped, I won't be dealing with it entirely on my own. I still worry but at least I'm not completely on my own in terms of trying to sort things out now.
So I'm just wondering whether there's a local mental health agency you could register as a client with for some support with housing issues? Just a thought. Maybe the CAB would have some information on agencies you could approach? I've also found my local MIND group really helpful. And someone also told me about the NHS 3 month and annual prescription certificates which is helping me save some money on prescriptions (too bad I didn't find this out in March as it would have saved me some money from the beginning!).
My support worker has also told me that although I have savings, I can apply for a benefit called PIP which you're eligible for even if you have savings. So she's going to help me fill in the forms. It might only be 25 pounds a month but every little bit helps for me at the moment.
Sending hugs xx
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Dandelion I'm so sorry to hear of the problems you are facing with housing - I'm renting in a precarious situation and hoping to be better by August so I can move back to Canada otherwise I might be at risk of homelessness too if my landlord isn't willing to renew my tenancy in Sept (am not able to work and don't qualify for many benefits because I have too much saved - so that has to go down before I qualify for more help).
I mention this because I know how damn stressful it is to be living with a sense that one could be homeless at some point - it's very difficult to live with a stress like that constantly in the background.
You mentioned seeing the CAB. One thing that has helped me has been the decision I made to register as a client of a local mental health agency (I had a nervous breakdown in combination with my menopausal imbalance in March). In some ways it feels really weird to be a client as part of me feels quite competent but the housing issue was overwhelming. Now I'm a client of this agency, I have a support worker and she will step in and support me if my landlord is not helpful with respect to renewing my tenancy in September. It's taken a tiny amount of the pressure off me as I now know that, if things do go pear shaped, I won't be dealing with it entirely on my own. I still worry but at least I'm not completely on my own in terms of trying to sort things out now.
So I'm just wondering whether there's a local mental health agency you could register as a client with for some support with housing issues? Just a thought. Maybe the CAB would have some information on agencies you could approach? I've also found my local MIND group really helpful. And someone also told me about the NHS 3 month and annual prescription certificates which is helping me save some money on prescriptions (too bad I didn't find this out in March as it would have saved me some money from the beginning!).
My support worker has also told me that although I have savings, I can apply for a benefit called PIP which you're eligible for even if you have savings. So she's going to help me fill in the forms. It might only be 25 pounds a month but every little bit helps for me at the moment.
Sending hugs xx
Aww Greenfields thanks for the hugs and I am sorry you are experiencing housing problems. Wish I could buy a property somewhere else abroad, but I might have debt if the worst comes to the worst.
I am trying not to dwell on the worst case scenario.
I will be writing to my MP if they try to cut my benefits, dunno what response I will get though, as she is a tory.
I hope you don't end up homeless.
It's terrible that you had a breakdown due to meno based mental illness.
I do sometimes attend groups, but I am usually not up early enough, or I just don't want to face people sometimes. There was a group today, but I motivated myself to do some hoovering instead and to have a shower.
As I am a homeowner, none of the support workers can help.
Sometimes, I wish I was a tenant, because although I adore living here, where I can look out at foxes, deer, badgers, birds, squirrels etc, from my window and hear the gorgeous sounds, I feel like i bought a lemon with this flat, and I cannot imagine what the previous owners mind was on when he was doing these badly built alterations, none of them are done properly and he must have been overjoyed to get rid of this flat.
I'm lucky enough to hold a hc2 certificate, which I get annually to pay for meds.
If my benefits get cut, my bank will change my account due to lack of income and I will lose my overdraft facility, which comes in handy at bad times.
If we are given benefit cards, I will have to change my fuel to key meters, and they are more expensive, had one before, constantly feeding it, so in the winter I will probs put my heating on 10mins a day, and go in bed with my electric blanket, to save fuel bills.
I'm on DLA, which is gradually changing to PIP. i love my DLA it helps me pay for things like counselling etc etc
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"As I am a homeowner, none of the support workers can help. .. " :-\ : support isn't connected to being a home owner. I used NHS mental health facilities and had a Community Psychiatric Nurse, however, that support was cut under the Labour Government. He wasn't a lot of use anyway, not his fault, he simply had no idea of how the phobia controlled my Life. He'd read the book ::)
The MIND Charity will help. Chatting to people in similar situations can be helpful. On your 'better' days you may find that helping locally will give you a sense of purpose. Do contact them to see what help they need. Sometimes it helps to be with others in a like situation, however, I never found it so. I wanted to be with people who could help with emotional support which I didn't get from my Mother.
I found making lists useful ::) ……
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Aw Dandelion sending hugs your way.
Re: support groups - I know what you mean about the mornings - it can be challenging. I'm lucky in someways I guess because there's a local church that runs 2 afternoon groups for people going through tough times and needing support with mental health. I sometimes go to them when I'm having a rough day - the clients are always really kind and that's how I found out about a support agency that could help me.
Re: being a home owner and not getting support - did someone tell you you weren't entitled to any support because you own a house? Only that doesn't sound right to me so I'm just wondering who told you that? It might also be worth giving Shelter a call because they have a housing helpline and I've heard that they can be quite helpful - and as homes and homelessness is their major focus, you might get some more information.
I keep telling myself I'm going to get better because I can't face the alternative - I'm really scared where the 12 billion pounds worth of social service cuts are going to fall and having worked in social services myself, I know it's likely to be the poor and vulnerable that are going to be targeted. So I try not to think about it too much (CBT - refocus thoughts, reframe to positive thoughts!).
Sending hugs xxx
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:thankyou:
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Let us know how you get on!
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"As I am a homeowner, none of the support workers can help. .. " :-\ : support isn't connected to being a home owner. I used NHS mental health facilities and had a Community Psychiatric Nurse, however, that support was cut under the Labour Government. He wasn't a lot of use anyway, not his fault, he simply had no idea of how the phobia controlled my Life. He'd read the book ::)
The MIND Charity will help. Chatting to people in similar situations can be helpful. On your 'better' days you may find that helping locally will give you a sense of purpose. Do contact them to see what help they need. Sometimes it helps to be with others in a like situation, however, I never found it so. I wanted to be with people who could help with emotional support which I didn't get from my Mother.
I found making lists useful ::) ……
Hi CKLD
Sorry for the confusion, I mean, none of the support workers can help with the housing issues.
I do go to our local MIND sometimes, but only when I can motivate myself.
I am so depressed, I can't get out of my chair even on some sunny days.
It is not all meno related, it is some non meno issues too.
I'm sorry that you didn't get emotional support from your mother.
I am considering cutting off contact with my mother again, if I don't get an ADHD diagnosis, as depression can be part of ADHD.
My mother is at the root of my depression, she knows this but doesn't care.
When I was born, I was immediately taken away from my mother to be given oxygen, and as far as I know, the first few seconds of life is important when bonding.
My mum said we never bonded.
She has always treated me bad and spoken to me badly but I blame myself for not leaving home till 25, she got worse with me as she got older. She knows this, but, again, does not care.
I live 300 miles away from her, I would rather sleep under a bridge than go back and live with her.
Our relationship is false, I cut off contact for 7 years and wish I had not re established contact. It is something I really regret and I feel really false for doing it.
I might just say I need to cut off contact because while we are in contact it is costing me my self esteem.
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Aw Dandelion sending hugs your way.
Re: support groups - I know what you mean about the mornings - it can be challenging. I'm lucky in someways I guess because there's a local church that runs 2 afternoon groups for people going through tough times and needing support with mental health. I sometimes go to them when I'm having a rough day - the clients are always really kind and that's how I found out about a support agency that could help me.
Re: being a home owner and not getting support - did someone tell you you weren't entitled to any support because you own a house? Only that doesn't sound right to me so I'm just wondering who told you that? It might also be worth giving Shelter a call because they have a housing helpline and I've heard that they can be quite helpful - and as homes and homelessness is their major focus, you might get some more information.
I keep telling myself I'm going to get better because I can't face the alternative - I'm really scared where the 12 billion pounds worth of social service cuts are going to fall and having worked in social services myself, I know it's likely to be the poor and vulnerable that are going to be targeted. So I try not to think about it too much (CBT - refocus thoughts, reframe to positive thoughts!).
Sending hugs xxx
You can get help with housing problems if you are a tenant. I got advice from shelter and also the nice legal advisers at the leasehold place, and they confirmed my problem. There is nothing I can do about it.
I don't know why they keep attacking the vulnerable.
Well I do, see below, I think there is an agenda, a genocide agenda.
They are making homelessness a crime in hackney, (I don't live there) but if you sleep on the street, you are likely to get a fine of upto £1000, I don't know how a homeless person can pay a fine of £1000, £1 a week for 20 years?
I'm really sorry you are feeling worried about the cuts. I am a welfare claimant and dreading losing my benefits, because I won't have enough to pay the mortgage and the bills.
I have savings, like every sensible homeowner should have for maintenance and repair, but I don't want to be dipping into these and running them down, to pay bills etc.
I'll eat less and my food will be poorer quality, but that's just tough.
The government want rid of the poor, by suicide, ill health, no treatment, etc, yet, they are making more people poorer.
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My Mum didn't see me for 3 days as I wasn't expected to live. She didn't get to bath me for 5 because I was tiny. No problem with bonding though :-\ but to survive she has other issues. I now recognise them for what they are ........... I'm now my own person, I know what support I am able to access if necessary and don't tell any family - nowt to do with them ;)
What ever you feel about the Government of the Day you can't change what they will do, whichever colour is 'in'. Starting at local level might be a way to go, if I have issues I get onto our Parish Council in the first instance. I'm like dog with a bone ;D ::)
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My Mum didn't see me for 3 days as I wasn't expected to live. She didn't get to bath me for 5 because I was tiny. No problem with bonding though :-\ but to survive she has other issues. I now recognise them for what they are ........... I'm now my own person, I know what support I am able to access if necessary and don't tell any family - nowt to do with them ;)
What ever you feel about the Government of the Day you can't change what they will do, whichever colour is 'in'. Starting at local level might be a way to go, if I have issues I get onto our Parish Council in the first instance. I'm like dog with a bone ;D ::)
Sorry that you had difficulties at birth.
Maybe the oxygen thing at my birth was not a factor in my mums and my relationship.
She had four other kids in four years, and maybe resented me, being the last one, as abortion was not legalised until the year after I was born.
I am pretty certain that if abortion was legal, she would have had me aborted. She beieves in abortion.
My siblings don't see me as a proper person. They talk down to me. I think our family was complete, two boys two girls, then I came along and I do think this pissed off my parents.
As for the government, I don't trust them and I think they are going to wreak destruction in the uk, but that's just my view.
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That's really sad Dandelion
My mum and dad had a girl and a boy do then called it a day
Along came my brother and they dealt with it (all 3 were born in the same week exactly 3 years apart), when the time had passed (following the pattern) they became less anxious and knew that was it, then I came along a different month 4 years later ! There was 3 of us in one room for years but I grew up being told that my brother and I were the best 2 mistakes she'd ever made in life, we always knew the story and always joked about it
Annie xx
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That's really sad Dandelion
My mum and dad had a girl and a boy do then called it a day
Along came my brother and they dealt with it (all 3 were born in the same week exactly 3 years apart), when the time had passed (following the pattern) they became less anxious and knew that was it, then I came along a different month 4 years later ! There was 3 of us in one room for years but I grew up being told that my brother and I were the best 2 mistakes she'd ever made in life, we always knew the story and always joked about it
Annie xx
Awww
At least your mum told the truth.
My mum pretended she was happy about my birth but her actions and deeds said the opposite.
I really really regret re-establishing contact with her again despite my dad's death.
He was a c*nt also.
My mum knows she contributes to my depression but is too busy play-acting happy families with my more successful siblings.
she's not sorry, i wonder if she is a sociopath/psychopath.
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Neither ;)
If you have support local to you then make use of it. Do you need to engage with your Mum for a while? If not, then make yourself a safety bubble ;)
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That's really sad Dandelion
My mum and dad had a girl and a boy do then called it a day
Along came my brother and they dealt with it (all 3 were born in the same week exactly 3 years apart), when the time had passed (following the pattern) they became less anxious and knew that was it, then I came along a different month 4 years later ! There was 3 of us in one room for years but I grew up being told that my brother and I were the best 2 mistakes she'd ever made in life, we always knew the story and always joked about it
Annie xx
Awww
At least your mum told the truth.
My mum pretended she was happy about my birth but her actions and deeds said the opposite.
I really really regret re-establishing contact with her again despite my dad's death.
He was a c*nt also.
My mum knows she contributes to my depression but is too busy play-acting happy families with my more successful siblings.
she's not sorry, i wonder if she is a sociopath/psychopath.
I'll never get it..... It's not a child's fault they are brought into this world
Big hugs
We love you
Annie xx
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Aw Dandelion sending hugs your way.
Re: support groups - I know what you mean about the mornings - it can be challenging. I'm lucky in someways I guess because there's a local church that runs 2 afternoon groups for people going through tough times and needing support with mental health. I sometimes go to them when I'm having a rough day - the clients are always really kind and that's how I found out about a support agency that could help me.
Re: being a home owner and not getting support - did someone tell you you weren't entitled to any support because you own a house? Only that doesn't sound right to me so I'm just wondering who told you that? It might also be worth giving Shelter a call because they have a housing helpline and I've heard that they can be quite helpful - and as homes and homelessness is their major focus, you might get some more information.
I keep telling myself I'm going to get better because I can't face the alternative - I'm really scared where the 12 billion pounds worth of social service cuts are going to fall and having worked in social services myself, I know it's likely to be the poor and vulnerable that are going to be targeted. So I try not to think about it too much (CBT - refocus thoughts, reframe to positive thoughts!).
Sending hugs xxx
You can get help with housing problems if you are a tenant. I got advice from shelter and also the nice legal advisers at the leasehold place, and they confirmed my problem. There is nothing I can do about it.
I don't know why they keep attacking the vulnerable.
Well I do, see below, I think there is an agenda, a genocide agenda.
They are making homelessness a crime in hackney, (I don't live there) but if you sleep on the street, you are likely to get a fine of upto £1000, I don't know how a homeless person can pay a fine of £1000, £1 a week for 20 years?
I'm really sorry you are feeling worried about the cuts. I am a welfare claimant and dreading losing my benefits, because I won't have enough to pay the mortgage and the bills.
I have savings, like every sensible homeowner should have for maintenance and repair, but I don't want to be dipping into these and running them down, to pay bills etc.
I'll eat less and my food will be poorer quality, but that's just tough.
The government want rid of the poor, by suicide, ill health, no treatment, etc, yet, they are making more people poorer.
Just to say Dandelion if you do run into problems, there is a group called Christians Against Poverty in our area and I assume they are a national organisation and I know they helped someone in this area avoid losing their house and even turned up at court to help her - so file that information away because it might be useful if they operate in your area.
Also have you thought about taking an antidepressant? If the depression you are experiencing is very deep, then, even in the short term, an antidepressant might help - I'm told they take 6 - 8 weeks to kick in fully and for the first few weeks you can get side effects (I had to stop taking the one I was given after 2 days because the side effects were so extreme and I'm so damn sensitive to medication) - but I've heard people talk about how useful they are. And it might help you function a bit more in the short term which might help you with dealing with life generally.
Also (and you probably know this) alcohol is a depressant - so it's best avoided if you can.
I'm really glad you have access to a counsellor - talking to someone is really important.
Sending hugs xxx
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In the 1980s I tried 3 out of the 5 possible ADs at the time and fortunately the 4th worked. Otherwise :-\
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My hubby was the fifth child and not wanted by his mother. She made it very obvious throughout his childhood.
His bags were packed for him on his 16th birthday and he was told that as he was an adult he would have to make his own way in the world.
He was serving an apprenticeship in his dad's factory at that point....they were not poor.
He chose to make the best of things, finished his apprenticeship and then went on to travel the country and then the world.
He is a well adjusted person, confident and very independent .
You are what you make of yourself. We can only blame our parents for so much but as we become adults then it's up to us.
I had a happy childhood, and then my dad died on my 19th birthday and I was left with a mother who could not and did not function for years. It made me grow up very quickly and by the time I got married at 24 I was a strong person....I had to be.
You can't blame the government for everything. No matter who is in power they want people to get into work and contribute. There is only a limited amount of money to go around.
People who are applying for PIP have an assement and if you are not fit to work due to ill health, then from what I can read the allowance is generous.
Mybhubby was made redundant three times and also had ill health. We just had to get on and do the best we could. You have to be really imaginative to make ends meet...we were and we did.
I know it's hard but we have to play with the cards we are dealt.
Unfortunately it's down to each individual.
There seems to be lots of help out there....
Honeybun
X
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My oldest sister had a drink problem, but she insisted she could leave it any time. She drank a lot of water too - or that's what she told us, and I truly believe she believed it too. At the same time she lost a lot of weight, her skin was sallow and bad and depression took over. She would never go to AA or take any of the support available, nor would she ever help herself, but sought excuse after excuse. Despite being very intelligent and a previous medical career this fell by the wayside many years before due to the drink - she lost all motivation and depression took over. She died aged 53 leaving behind a young teenage son. By the time she died I actually disliked her - she'd become An Alcoholic and the addiction took over her whole world and personality, she became incredibly selfish near the end.
AA want you to stop the drink because that's the only way not to depend on it. It's bloody hard and that's why they're on hand to support you through it, but you really do need to want to help yourself. If you can stop anytime, then it's worth doing - alcohol isn't the answer and will only be feeding your depression. This will be a much more positive step than looking for other diagnoses and financial support. It's more likely to be the alcohol that's causing issues than the relationship with your mum - that doesn't decrease your motivation, stop you from getting better or stop you from working. I know this may sound harsh, but believe me, having seen my sister destroy herself from the inside out I'd hate to see anyone go down this path when they've still a chance of saving themselves.
Because I have depression and some unsolvable problems, I sometimes wish for cancer.
Have mine. I've been diagnosed with bowel cancer and really wish I hadn't. How anyone can wish for it I really don't know - my young daughters would probably say the same.
GG x
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Neither ;)
If you have support local to you then make use of it. Do you need to engage with your Mum for a while? If not, then make yourself a safety bubble ;)
She said things like "Move on from what I did to you", "We kept you little" "I'm telling you, you won't get an apology"
Those to me, suggest no conscience and cold hearted callousness.
I don't feel strong enough to live in this society, especially the way it is going.
I was brought up to be weak and by the time I became aware of it, I found it very hard to function as an adult.
She used to favour my sister and get her to bully me, they both picked on me at the same time, like in stereo.
She also favoured my brother.
I'm worried I may become homeless in future, and will fail on the streets and have no choice but to move back in with her, but hers is not a safe house either, mentally it is not, my mental health would be at grave risk of deteriorating if I moved back in with her.
I don't really find the groups much help, except for when I feel well enough to go and chat or do activities. Most of the time I am too depressed to go, to get out of bed/my chair even.
Antidepressants don't work and I am so glad that I came off mine, as they were no use at all. Tried a few, don't want to try any more.
Like I said in an earlier post, part of me wishes the weight loss is down to cancer, but I should be so lucky.
I know cancer is horrible, but it is a ticket out.
I'm not in danger of suicide, because I am frightened of it not working and me waking back up.
That's put me off attempting suicide.
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Like I said in an earlier post, part of me wishes the weight loss is down to cancer, but I should be so lucky.
I actually find this quite offensive. You have a chance to sort out your problems, you've been offered support and if you cut out the drink too then there's a chance you can get back on your feet. If you're struggling mentally, talk to your doctor for a review. It's not about more benefits, but a proper diagnosis to get you out of the black hole. I'm hoping that I'll be able to "sort out" my problem too, but may not - it's out of my hands. Lucky?
GG x
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I totally agree GG.
What a great and thoughtful post.
I watched my mothers brother drink himself to death leaving three children. Their mother had died years before. Two of my cousins are fine....the third died this year....he was not 50 and an alcoholic.
My hubby has a life limiting illness which he has had treatment for in an effort to get better. No matter how hard things have been.....and they have been hard ...he has constantly looked for the positives in life. Hopefully his latest treatement has worked....we so hope so.
Sometimes it's just down to us to make the most of what we have, take responsibility for things, see where we want to go, and then go for it.
To be honest Dandelion, wishing yourself cancer is disrespectful of forum members who actually have or have recovered from cancer.
I know you have problems but Geordie Girl who has two teenagers to look after has just been given this diagnosis and is facing it with courage.
Not sure it's the right thing to say at all.
Honeybun
X
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Just to say Dandelion if you do run into problems, there is a group called Christians Against Poverty in our area and I assume they are a national organisation and I know they helped someone in this area avoid losing their house and even turned up at court to help her - so file that information away because it might be useful if they operate in your area.
Also have you thought about taking an antidepressant? If the depression you are experiencing is very deep, then, even in the short term, an antidepressant might help - I'm told they take 6 - 8 weeks to kick in fully and for the first few weeks you can get side effects (I had to stop taking the one I was given after 2 days because the side effects were so extreme and I'm so damn sensitive to medication) - but I've heard people talk about how useful they are. And it might help you function a bit more in the short term which might help you with dealing with life generally.
Also (and you probably know this) alcohol is a depressant - so it's best avoided if you can.
I'm really glad you have access to a counsellor - talking to someone is really important.
Sending hugs xxx
Thanks for the info about Christians against poverty.
I suppose they won't help unless I get into arrears, though, and I don't want it to come to that.
I have tried antidepressants, not effective, too much side effects.
I stopped drinking this afternoon, just didn't fancy filling my glass again I felt like it would lower my mood even more.
Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, not actually a depressant in the context of mood lowering.
It usually falsely lifts my mood which is why I drink, in desperation to feel happier, but today, I just didn't feel in the mood for a drink after the first glass.
I do have access to a counsellor, but if the government cuts my benefits, I will have to stop the sessions, so thanks Dave Cameron for helping me improve my life. :(
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Sounds to me as if you are getting lots of help. Hopefully you will be strong enough not to drink tomorrow, or the day after or the day after that. Well done for taking that first step.
How do people manage to afford alcohol on benefits. That's something that has always puzzled me as its so expensive. :-\
Honeybun
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thanks Dave Cameron for helping me improve my life. :(
Dandelion, you're the only person who will be able to improve your life, not David Cameron.
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My mum knows she contributes to my depression but is too busy play-acting happy families with my more successful siblings.
she's not sorry, i wonder if she is a sociopath/psychopath.
Dandelion - I'me really sorry things aren't as you wish with your mum and siblings.
However, perhaps your mum finds it easier to be with your siblings, just because we are related to somebody doesn't mean that we have to like or get on with them.
Not all mothers like their children
When I was 11, my mum dumped my brother (eight) and me with my suicidal dad, then b----red off. The only thing that you can do is get on with things. I had to, there was no choice.
I've just seen your comment about cancer - good grief - listen to yourself.
Another person on the forum does have cancer, she's not happy about it but is dealing with it with dignity.
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My hubby was the fifth child and not wanted by his mother. She made it very obvious throughout his childhood.
His bags were packed for him on his 16th birthday and he was told that as he was an adult he would have to make his own way in the world.
He was serving an apprenticeship in his dad's factory at that point....they were not poor.
He chose to make the best of things, finished his apprenticeship and then went on to travel the country and then the world.
He is a well adjusted person, confident and very independent .
You are what you make of yourself. We can only blame our parents for so much but as we become adults then it's up to us.
I had a happy childhood, and then my dad died on my 19th birthday and I was left with a mother who could not and did not function for years. It made me grow up very quickly and by the time I got married at 24 I was a strong person....I had to be.
You can't blame the government for everything. No matter who is in power they want people to get into work and contribute. There is only a limited amount of money to go around.
People who are applying for PIP have an assement and if you are not fit to work due to ill health, then from what I can read the allowance is generous.
Mybhubby was made redundant three times and also had ill health. We just had to get on and do the best we could. You have to be really imaginative to make ends meet...we were and we did.
I know it's hard but we have to play with the cards we are dealt.
Unfortunately it's down to each individual.
There seems to be lots of help out there....
Honeybun
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Hi HB
I'm sorry your hubby was not wanted by his mother.
Some parents just don't like children. My parents said this when I was a kid, and I said "What about your own kids" and they said, they liked their own. They lied, my siblings lie about how awful they were, always threatening and too violent.
My Dad used to get us three girls pull down our pants and bending over the settee so he could smack us on the arse. The smack was not a hard smack, it was more the bare arse thing he liked. He didn't like women or girls.
My mum and sister used to side with him if he was horrible to me as an adult.
I'm more angry I never left home until 25years old, maybe I am a masochist and enjoy pain, but i am not aware that I am.
Maybe leaving home was what made your hubby strong.
I think I have done some real psychological damage by not leaving home, and my parents did not want me to leave.
I can't make it as an adult, I have made too many mistakes, fallen into too many traps, for instance, buying this flat with the breached lease that will take tens of thousands to put right, among other things.
It's just too hard. I am not learning or learning from my mistakes.
Honeybun, I am sorry but you are very wrong with your statements about benefit claimants.
You are believing the mainstream media propeganda about claimants.
Benefits street, and the daily mail for two.
It's not about getting people into work and contributing.
It is about attacking the vulnerable and poor.
That angers me. I did work, I did contribute, I deserve my benefits.
That is just propeganda from the mainstream media, taking away the blame from the banks who the government are in bed with.
Any coward can attack the vulnerable.
The DWP refuse to publish thes suicide statistics caused by the draconian workfare system. Frankly what you have said has depressed me a bit more.
There is not enough help.
Your post was unhelpful :(
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Sounds to me as if you are getting lots of help. Hopefully you will be strong enough not to drink tomorrow, or the day after or the day after that. Well done for taking that first step.
Sorry but you sound ignorant and I dunno if you watch benefits street or read daily mail.
Try googling about "callums list" or David Clapson.
How do people manage to afford alcohol on benefits. That's something that has always puzzled me as its so expensive. :-\
Honeybun
Sorry but you sound ignorant on benefits, like you beleive all the propeganda.
Give it a few years and you will see how bad this government is, not just on benefits, you will see for yourself.
You will get drink if you are addicted no matter what. addiction is a disease.
It is not as simple as just stopping. I only put my glass down today because I didnt fancy it, not physically addicted, but mentally I am.
You obviously have a thing against benefit claimants, for your information, I have a pension also.
Please do not post any more on this thread, your posts are very offensive and unhelpful.
You obviously have no clue about my life, and are making me feel worse.
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I did not mean to make you feel worse.
I do not have any issues with benefits for those in need and I was congratulating you on not having a drink.
I will bow out of this topic now.
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Ok I may get lambasted for this but I'm going to say it any way.
We all have challenges in life, these come in different shapes and sizes. Read some of the other threads on here (Groundhog's for example) and see how we amass the strength to deal with these. We don't want them, sometimes they floor us completely, but we carry on. And you know the best way to carry on? Take control.
I'm facing a bit of a hurdle in my life at the moment and one statistic really stood out when chatting to my consultant - patients are known to make a better recovery when they feel they're in control. That's why the NHS have adopted a policy of working with the patient rather than dictating. My lovely consultant has referred me to a specialist centre where I'm hopefully going to get pioneering treatment. All under the NHS, and all under David Cameron.
Blaming others for all of our challenges leaves us in downward spiral. We are all living under DC and the conservative government at the moment; most of us here have been suffering because of menopause or other issues; some can't work; some have suffered bereavement; some have bad anxiety. Whose fault is that? It's not necessarily anyone's - it's life. Yes it sucks occasionally but it's also a wonderful thing and not something to be simply wished away.
The longer you take solace in drink to lift your mood and continue to blame everyone else/ thing for your situation, the less likely you'll be to come out of this situation. If you're struggling then talk to your counsellor or doctor. But Do Not Drink.
Seeing a bright and intelligent woman dying from alcohol poisoning definitely has flavoured my views on this - it's such a tragic waste. So much of your story and your approach is so familiar in this. You need help, but it's not in a bottle.
I have also a friend who was an alcoholic. She was the product of a one night stand and never wanted. Her mum threw her out at 14 and after a couple of years going from council home to foster home and back again, she lived on the streets an alcoholic and drug addict. Fortunately she grabbed hold of the help offered and ended up going to uni, studying to be a social worker and help others. She's now also a renowned author of self help books.
By posting on the forum one assumes you want the views of others. That's what you've received on here, unfortunately a few of us have experienced alcoholism and we may be more direct than others. But unless you take this on board, you won't get any further. Harsh speaking perhaps, but the truth. The signs are shouting out.
GG x
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Why wait until you have problems that might see you on the street? There are several agencies i.e. Shelter, Salvation Army, other Church organisations; I am no way religious but my Vicar was very supportive when I was too depressed to move from the chair. I thought I would never get out the door again but with support from my GP, a loving husband, a Vicar who visited regularly; advice from the mental health group and local private Hospital: I did survive. It was hard work! for everyone involved.
I moved emotionally away from most of my family. As I stepped back I could see how judgemental they are, not only towards me but to those around them. That's how they are. I can't change it but I do not need to engage ;). My choice. No arguments. I keep out of their way as much as I can.
I keep lists. I LOVE my lists. Helps me get through the day ;). What needs to be one in side and a list of gardening routines, plants to buy etc.; garden centre on the way to the Supermarket ;). So a list of chores, a list of the various agencies suggested here, finding out which are closest to you (yellow pages is a good start).
Keeping a food/mood diary helped too. Issues ticked off so that I could see what I *had* achieved. When depressed I couldn't see what I had done unless I had the list to re-inforce my daily activities. No one suggested it, it was 1 of my coping mechanisms. I had a list of which medications I had to take otherwise I would forget if I hadn/not taken them.
I had cancer. I would never wish for it. It took years out of my Life. As did depression. No one offered me support, I had to go out and ask for it even though I could hardly move. At times I was crawling around the house …….. there is a way out including the Samaritans. Anonymous. There 24/7.
Once you have someone on-side you will begin to pick up. It won't be easy. But help is there.
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You really are a good person GG
Xxxxxxxx
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What's also noticeable is that whilst you have replied to Honeybun in disgust at what she posted, you have totally ignored my point about you wishing you had cancer. Not one word. I'd have been apologising profusely.
It doesn't bother me to be honest, I have a lot of lovely friends, family and more to the point, a positive attitude. In that sense I do feel lucky. Not because I have cancer, but because I can look for the blessings in life and be grateful for these, rather than blame everyone and everything for making it sh*t.
It's so sad to see someone go down the route you're following, but unless you take control and actively seek to change this, it's just not going to happen.
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I worked in the NHS during the Labour years. Wards were being closed. Nurses had to go abroad to work as there weren't jobs in the UK. Health visiting etc. was cut. Mums were turned out of Maternity Wards far too early, due to Labour cuts - they had to provide nappies for their babies, their own sanitary protection ……. the thing is to source those agencies/facilities as local as possible regardless. Charities are un-affected by the Government of the Day so those suggested above could be your first point of call.
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You really are a good person GG
Xxxxxxxx
Bless you. (mwah!) But we all are, and we need to recognise that more. We all have our strengths but sometimes we forget what they are; we all have our blessings in life but we often forget what they are. Easy to do in times of stress or pain, but the more we focus on them, the more chance we have of being happy.
GG x
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What's also noticeable is that whilst you have replied to Honeybun in disgust at what she posted, you have totally ignored my point about you wishing you had cancer. Not one word. I'd have been apologising profusely.
I noticed that too, I was astounded at that cancer comment and the subsequent lack of apology.
Would any hugs help?
:hug: :hug: :hug:
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Dandelion I've had a lot of very expensive therapy to recover some of myself from the trauma of my own childhood. One of the things the therapist used to say to me is "it's never too late to have what you can have." I used to get intensely irritated by this but over time, I came to realise the truth of it.
The thing is though, sometimes we have to grieve our losses for a very very long time. I know I did. I had 8 years of weekly therapy - sometimes having it 3 times a week. And I was lucky that I was able to afford it and that I found a good therapist - I had several really shit experiences with therapists before I found someone who could help me.
The other thing to know is that I'm very sensitive and so it took me a long time to recover from what had happened to me as a child even though, from reading through the posts on this board, it wasn't as bad as what has happened to some people. People often say well so and so got off their arse and did stuff after having a crap childhood but every child is different. Every child has a different disposition and every child has different levels of resilience. I know, I was a sensitive kid, I didn't have much resilience and I was deeply impacted by the way I was parented. I didn't get the help I needed until my late thirties, early forties. By which time I felt I'd pretty well messed up a lot of my life. And I only finished therapy last year by which time I was 50.
Things are still a bit of a mess for me life wise with the menopausal thing and the breakdown thing (didn't foresee those!) - which is why I post on here! But, I do now have a sense of self worth and more inner strength. So what I wish for you are these things too. You're worth it even if you don't currently feel you are. I get the worry about benefits - I'm terrified too. It's another reason why I want to leave this country because I've become aware of so much suffering since I got back and I think that a lot of people are insulated from it - and it's going to have get a lot worse before things change.
However, living one's life in fear is cutting short the joy we can have in the moment. Life is precious even when it's really crap. Keep doing the counselling and try and find something that brings you joy each day and write it down - even if it's just noticing the sun shining through the window. A daily practice like this has been shown through research to shift the mind's focus. I've done it, and it's a very helpful practice. During my breakdown I wrote down things like, still breathing, roof over head, food in belly, warm bed - really basic things I appreciated but it helped me so much.
If you have access to the library, get hold of a copy of "The mindful way through depression" by Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn. If you can get hold of Jon Kabat Zinn's CD's through the library - do, particularly the body scan one. Try doing the relaxation and meditation practices. It's not an instant fix but, over time, it can help. And you don't have to move in order to do them! You can do them in your chair or on a bed.
Sending much love and hugs - take care of your precious self - you deserve nothing less however hard it feels to give that love to yourself at this moment. xxx
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Lovely thread Greenfields.
My mantra - Little steps! (Rome wasn't built in a day). I really thought I would not survive but once I had ditched my childhood, I could move forwards. In face, once I had spent 3 years in talking therapy, the problems were no lingered remembered. Discuss, decide, ditch ;)
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However, living one's life in fear is cutting short the joy we can have in the moment. Life is precious even when it's really crap. Keep doing the counselling and try and find something that brings you joy each day and write it down - even if it's just noticing the sun shining through the window. A daily practice like this has been shown through research to shift the mind's focus. I've done it, and it's a very helpful practice. During my breakdown I wrote down things like, still breathing, roof over head, food in belly, warm bed - really basic things I appreciated but it helped me so much.
If you have access to the library, get hold of a copy of "The mindful way through depression" by Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn. If you can get hold of Jon Kabat Zinn's CD's through the library - do, particularly the body scan one. Try doing the relaxation and meditation practices. It's not an instant fix but, over time, it can help. And you don't have to move in order to do them! You can do them in your chair or on a bed.
I totally agree. I had a really stressful time last year and I have to say YouTube kept me sane. I'd regularly tune into Jack Canfield motivational videos, and other TedTalks and it really lifted my spirits and helped me focus on the positives. There are some fabulous speakers on YouTube, all free and if you don't like one, it doesn't take long to find someone who does strike a chord with you.
GG x
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I noticed that too, I was astounded at that cancer comment and the subsequent lack of apology.
Would any hugs help?
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Chocolate would be better? :)
No, damn - I've given that up in my ultra healthy living plan. It's been replaced by green sludge a delicious raw veg smoothie. Oh. Joy.
I'm sure virtual hugs will help it all go down though, thanks :)
GG x
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I noticed that too, I was astounded at that cancer comment and the subsequent lack of apology.
Would any hugs help?
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Chocolate would be better? :)
No, damn - I've given that up in my ultra healthy living plan. It's been replaced by green sludge a delicious raw veg smoothie. Oh. Joy.
I'm sure virtual hugs will help it all go down though, thanks :)
GG x
Are there any healthy type chocolate things - Carob?
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You continue with your green sludge - I can eat chocolate really really quietly ;)
Hopefully suggestions offered up here will be accepted - offered up from experiences of other Members. Survival is selfish and sometimes difficult. Acceptance can be difficult. Asking for help can be scary in case of rejection.
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Are there any healthy type chocolate things - Carob?
I'm not sure but decided to go cold turkey. It's actually proven easier I think, once I get the taste of chocolate (or Waitrose Millionaire's Cheesecake - yum!!) then I'm on a very slippery slope and want more and more . Funnily enough the green sludge never has that effect :) Strange really.
GG x
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Start another thread about the sludge ;) - funny how no-one is offering to share the straw ::)
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Start another thread about the sludge ;) - funny how no-one is offering to share the straw ::)
Just say the word CLKD and I'll offer you a glass. Or a jug. In fact, take mine :)
No? :)
GG x
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New thread? that'll give me time to decide ;)
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Hi there
I am afraid I feel distaste with this post......we all have stuff to manage in life and some of it is beyond our control ......for me the suicide of my eldest boy Jack aged 23......what a shock.
Drinking, smoking, overeating ...we all have a chose to do those things, alcohol is a depressant so makes sense to avoid it if one has anxiety needs. Solution focused is my way of coping.....make a plan however small or great and work towards achieving it. Only the individual can do it , no amount of support or counselling helps unless the core of us wants things to be different....Yes???
So life is no rehearsal, we live just the once and should make it as happy as we can before we get the camera roll to the end and regret not doing the things we so wanted for ourselves.
mrs j
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My oldest sister had a drink problem, but she insisted she could leave it any time. She drank a lot of water too - or that's what she told us, and I truly believe she believed it too. At the same time she lost a lot of weight, her skin was sallow and bad and depression took over. She would never go to AA or take any of the support available, nor would she ever help herself, but sought excuse after excuse. Despite being very intelligent and a previous medical career this fell by the wayside many years before due to the drink - she lost all motivation and depression took over. She died aged 53 leaving behind a young teenage son. By the time she died I actually disliked her - she'd become An Alcoholic and the addiction took over her whole world and personality, she became incredibly selfish near the end.
AA want you to stop the drink because that's the only way not to depend on it. It's bloody hard and that's why they're on hand to support you through it, but you really do need to want to help yourself. If you can stop anytime, then it's worth doing - alcohol isn't the answer and will only be feeding your depression. This will be a much more positive step than looking for other diagnoses and financial support. It's more likely to be the alcohol that's causing issues than the relationship with your mum - that doesn't decrease your motivation, stop you from getting better or stop you from working. I know this may sound harsh, but believe me, having seen my sister destroy herself from the inside out I'd hate to see anyone go down this path when they've still a chance of saving themselves.
Because I have depression and some unsolvable problems, I sometimes wish for cancer.
Have mine. I've been diagnosed with bowel cancer and really wish I hadn't. How anyone can wish for it I really don't know - my young daughters would probably say the same.
GG x
Hi,
I didn't see your post before I posted about cancer being a ticket out.
I wish we could swap, I am sorry that my comment hurt you.
I wish you did not have cancer and I wish for your cancer to be healed.
I didn't mean any offence honest.
I stopped drinking for five years, and only just started again back in October.
I realise how much of a tw*t drink addiction can turn someone into.
I was depressed long, long before I started drinking again.
Still not felt like having another drink today though, it's easy when I am not in the mood to drink.
(((hugs)))
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Like I said in an earlier post, part of me wishes the weight loss is down to cancer, but I should be so lucky.
I actually find this quite offensive. You have a chance to sort out your problems, you've been offered support and if you cut out the drink too then there's a chance you can get back on your feet. If you're struggling mentally, talk to your doctor for a review. It's not about more benefits, but a proper diagnosis to get you out of the black hole. I'm hoping that I'll be able to "sort out" my problem too, but may not - it's out of my hands. Lucky?
GG x
Hi Geordiegirl
I am editing the first paragraph of this post, I do see that you have cancer, and I hope the treatment goes well. I didnt mean to upset you and I am sorry that I did.
I am sorry you have cancer in your life also, especially because you want to live.
I have some problems, won't expand on them here, with property, that I cannot solve, and have sought expert advice from the relevant people who confirm this.
It is to do with my lease, and it would take tens of thousands to resolve.
I just put the problem in a box and try to get on with my life, but it comes up and makes me feel anxious in the pit of my stomach, without my control.
I can't solve the psychological damage done by my family, but it has disabled me emotionally and this gives me a handicap in life.
I am not asking for more benefits, just to keep the ones I am on and not have them snatched away by the governments constant assaults on the vulnerable.
I have been assessed and deemed unfit for work, unlike some other poor people who have been wrongly declared fit for work, or sanctioned, so that they cannot afford to eat and have to visit foodbanks.
As for mental health, there is no support. Austerity cuts mean that support has been taken away. Cuts to local councils also mean that my support workers have been taken away. That's how it is now.
As for a diagnosis, I am waiting for an ADHD assessment. I have already returned completed questionnaires to the ADHDH clinic, and am on a waiting list to have an assessment, and, hopefully, a diagnosis.
It will be positive, because I will accept myself a lot more, and I will also be able to put some of my more problematic behaviours down to ADHD, a learning disability.
Hopefully, I will not have to wait too long, and will get the right help, if a diagnosis is made.
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What's also noticeable is that whilst you have replied to Honeybun in disgust at what she posted, you have totally ignored my point about you wishing you had cancer. Not one word. I'd have been apologising profusely.
It doesn't bother me to be honest, I have a lot of lovely friends, family and more to the point, a positive attitude. In that sense I do feel lucky. Not because I have cancer, but because I can look for the blessings in life and be grateful for these, rather than blame everyone and everything for making it sh*t.
It's so sad to see someone go down the route you're following, but unless you take control and actively seek to change this, it's just not going to happen.
Hi again GG
I have just seen this post, I got a bit muddled with this thread, and missed some posts, sorry.
I really hope the pioneering treatment works for your cancer and that you do get better.
I hope you accept my apology.
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Hi,
I didn't see your post before I posted about cancer being a ticket out.
I wish we could swap, I am sorry that my comment hurt you.
I wish you did not have cancer and I wish for your cancer to be healed.
I didn't mean any offence honest.
I stopped drinking for five years, and only just started again back in October.
I realise how much of a tw*t drink addiction can turn someone into.
I was depressed long, long before I started drinking again.
Still not felt like having another drink today though, it's easy when I am not in the mood to drink.
(((hugs)))
Thanks Dandelion.
The comment hurt me mainly because you're not seeing how precious life is, YOUR life. It hurt me because I've seen so much of this before, the very same pattern of events in my own sister. It hurt me because I've seen where it leads unless you stop the drink. Such a tragic waste.
If you've stopped drinking before you've been amazingly strong. You need to draw on that strength again. An hour at a time, a day at a time, baby steps. Be proud of yourself for each little goal but don't chastise yourself too much if you fail, just jump straight back on the band wagon again.
Sort out the drinking and you'll feel much better in yourself, and be in a better position to tackle other issues. In a better position to climb out of the dark tunnel.
Please don't wish you had cancer, instead wish you were healthy and fit! Focus on moving towards that as much as possible and making the changes needed to help you along the way.
Best of luck with it all,
GG x
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I hope you accept my apology.
Of course I do.
A big hug to you, I know it isn't easy and I really feel for you, depression is debilitating. I do so hope you'll revisit this thread in a few months time though from a much better place.
GG x
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Hi,
I didn't see your post before I posted about cancer being a ticket out.
I wish we could swap, I am sorry that my comment hurt you.
I wish you did not have cancer and I wish for your cancer to be healed.
I didn't mean any offence honest.
I stopped drinking for five years, and only just started again back in October.
I realise how much of a tw*t drink addiction can turn someone into.
I was depressed long, long before I started drinking again.
Still not felt like having another drink today though, it's easy when I am not in the mood to drink.
(((hugs)))
Thanks Dandelion.
The comment hurt me mainly because you're not seeing how precious life is, YOUR life. It hurt me because I've seen so much of this before, the very same pattern of events in my own sister. It hurt me because I've seen where it leads unless you stop the drink. Such a tragic waste.
If you've stopped drinking before you've been amazingly strong. You need to draw on that strength again. An hour at a time, a day at a time, baby steps. Be proud of yourself for each little goal but don't chastise yourself too much if you fail, just jump straight back on the band wagon again.
Sort out the drinking and you'll feel much better in yourself, and be in a better position to tackle other issues. In a better position to climb out of the dark tunnel.
Please don't wish you had cancer, instead wish you were healthy and fit! Focus on moving towards that as much as possible and making the changes needed to help you along the way.
Best of luck with it all,
GG x
Hi GG
I promise, I won't become an alcoholic.
Some days, I am not in the mood to drink. Other days, I get bored with it and start making cuppas instead.
Some people are suicidal and have suicidal ideation and genuinely don't want to be here.
Life is precious, but some people's lives have not felt very precious, those who have had one bad experience after another.
Some people cope with adversity better than others, I have not coped with adversity very well at all in my life.
Cameron's Britain is going to get very tough for more and more people, time will reveal all. Not just benefit claimants, but the NHS, the Human Rights Act and a lot of other things that could affect us all.
I'm not labour either, mind, as I think both parties are as bad as each other, labour brought in the Work Capability Asessment in the first place.
All they care about is the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer, trouble is, they are making more people poor, not just benefit claimants.
I just don't feel strong enough.
I don't cope with stress very well at all. I go to pieces. This was the way all my life.
I won't be dying of alcohol induced liver disease though definitely and I am glad that I am no longer offending you, that was never my intent.
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Dandelion I've had a lot of very expensive therapy to recover some of myself from the trauma of my own childhood. One of the things the therapist used to say to me is "it's never too late to have what you can have." I used to get intensely irritated by this but over time, I came to realise the truth of it.
The thing is though, sometimes we have to grieve our losses for a very very long time. I know I did. I had 8 years of weekly therapy - sometimes having it 3 times a week. And I was lucky that I was able to afford it and that I found a good therapist - I had several really shit experiences with therapists before I found someone who could help me.
The other thing to know is that I'm very sensitive and so it took me a long time to recover from what had happened to me as a child even though, from reading through the posts on this board, it wasn't as bad as what has happened to some people. People often say well so and so got off their arse and did stuff after having a crap childhood but every child is different. Every child has a different disposition and every child has different levels of resilience. I know, I was a sensitive kid, I didn't have much resilience and I was deeply impacted by the way I was parented. I didn't get the help I needed until my late thirties, early forties. By which time I felt I'd pretty well messed up a lot of my life. And I only finished therapy last year by which time I was 50.
Things are still a bit of a mess for me life wise with the menopausal thing and the breakdown thing (didn't foresee those!) - which is why I post on here! But, I do now have a sense of self worth and more inner strength. So what I wish for you are these things too. You're worth it even if you don't currently feel you are. I get the worry about benefits - I'm terrified too. It's another reason why I want to leave this country because I've become aware of so much suffering since I got back and I think that a lot of people are insulated from it - and it's going to have get a lot worse before things change.
However, living one's life in fear is cutting short the joy we can have in the moment. Life is precious even when it's really crap. Keep doing the counselling and try and find something that brings you joy each day and write it down - even if it's just noticing the sun shining through the window. A daily practice like this has been shown through research to shift the mind's focus. I've done it, and it's a very helpful practice. During my breakdown I wrote down things like, still breathing, roof over head, food in belly, warm bed - really basic things I appreciated but it helped me so much.
If you have access to the library, get hold of a copy of "The mindful way through depression" by Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn. If you can get hold of Jon Kabat Zinn's CD's through the library - do, particularly the body scan one. Try doing the relaxation and meditation practices. It's not an instant fix but, over time, it can help. And you don't have to move in order to do them! You can do them in your chair or on a bed.
Sending much love and hugs - take care of your precious self - you deserve nothing less however hard it feels to give that love to yourself at this moment. xxx
I love the way this post is well written, you have a talent with words.
I am sorry to hear you had to have lots of therapy, but glad it got completed.
I'm sorry that things are a bit of a mess for you with the meno and breakdown, and I hope that things get much better for you as soon as possible.
I admit, when feeling low, I become convinced that my life is buggered up for good. I often don't feel strong enough, and I don't really have any close enough people in my life around me.
I do find it a comfort, though, when anxious, to appreciate what I have got, even the seemingly small things. I feel grateful I can feed and clothe myself and walk, and appreciate these things massively.
I'm also really sensitive, I have always been. That can be part of ADHD.
I used to cry a lot at work. I used to attract abuse from colleagues. :( School was also a nightmare.
I wish I could just forget about my mum and what she did to me, but I just cannot get rid of the intrusive thoughts. Again, an ADHD confirmation will be a positive thing in this respect, because it will mean that I have a learning disability that can be treated, and not irrepairable psychological damage.
I will try to keep up the counselling, so long as my benefits are not cut, if they are, I won't be able to afford the counsellor I have.
I agree that some people are insulated from the cuts in government departments at the moment.
If I hadn't of chosen a ten year fixed rate mortgage in 2006, I would be insulated from his cuts, because I would have paid off my mortgage, and even though, the benefits may be cut, I would be left with enough money to pay bills, food, etc, and would feel a lot more safer in that respect.
I didn't though, so I am left feeling exposed and vulnerable and unsafe.
It is this that affects my mood, as well as the lease problem. I did speak to shelter who were lovely, but could not answer some questions. The leasehold people answered them though, and it isn't good news.
I don't have a cd player, and my laptop doesn't have a disk space, but thanks for the CD recommendation. I find it hard to relax and focus my mind on my body, again, ADHD, it often comes down to ADHD, and the sooner I get a diagnosis confirmed the better, but I will be gutted if they say I don't have it, which I think is unlikely though as I have so many of the symptoms.
Maybe I will be better at mindfulness if I can get help for ADHD, and can then read the book you recommended also.
Thank you for the love and hugs.
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Lovely thread Greenfields.
My mantra - Little steps! (Rome wasn't built in a day). I really thought I would not survive but once I had ditched my childhood, I could move forwards. In face, once I had spent 3 years in talking therapy, the problems were no lingered remembered. Discuss, decide, ditch ;)
I've spent tons of time in talking therapies, not just my counsellor but nhs counsellors and therapists too.
Some things just stick emotionally, especially if they are not resolved.
We can hide them from ourselves by trying never to think of them by keeping busy, but ultimately we need to deal with them, whatever it takes.
Intrusive thoughts cannot be controlled or masked over with drugs, or drink/recreational drug misuse.
I just use these to get through the day.
The last day i didnt use them, I badly self harmed. It came out of nowhere a deep rage, I have had this all of my life, and yet again, is another thing that can be put down to ADHD, rage outbursts, that is, not self harm.
But it can also be caused by emotional energy getting stuck and needing releasing, and sometimes, talk therapy does not work for whatever reason, but I am glad I have my counsellor, as I trust her to open up to and she is very experienced.
I have contacted shelter and MIND. MIND were funded by our local council, but they lost the tender for the contract as another organisation put in for it with a cheaper bid.
I also use this organisation, but sometimes, when depressed I cannot face people. I love a lot of my own space, and am really thankful to have this flat, and this is another reason I feel really worried, because I need a lot of my own space, and when homeless, this is not possible.
I know this has not happened at this stage, and I hope to god it never does.
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However, living one's life in fear is cutting short the joy we can have in the moment. Life is precious even when it's really crap. Keep doing the counselling and try and find something that brings you joy each day and write it down - even if it's just noticing the sun shining through the window. A daily practice like this has been shown through research to shift the mind's focus. I've done it, and it's a very helpful practice. During my breakdown I wrote down things like, still breathing, roof over head, food in belly, warm bed - really basic things I appreciated but it helped me so much.
If you have access to the library, get hold of a copy of "The mindful way through depression" by Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn. If you can get hold of Jon Kabat Zinn's CD's through the library - do, particularly the body scan one. Try doing the relaxation and meditation practices. It's not an instant fix but, over time, it can help. And you don't have to move in order to do them! You can do them in your chair or on a bed.
I totally agree. I had a really stressful time last year and I have to say YouTube kept me sane. I'd regularly tune into Jack Canfield motivational videos, and other TedTalks and it really lifted my spirits and helped me focus on the positives. There are some fabulous speakers on YouTube, all free and if you don't like one, it doesn't take long to find someone who does strike a chord with you.
GG x
I love youtube also.
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Hi there
I am afraid I feel distaste with this post......we all have stuff to manage in life and some of it is beyond our control ......for me the suicide of my eldest boy Jack aged 23......what a shock.
Drinking, smoking, overeating ...we all have a chose to do those things, alcohol is a depressant so makes sense to avoid it if one has anxiety needs. Solution focused is my way of coping.....make a plan however small or great and work towards achieving it. Only the individual can do it , no amount of support or counselling helps unless the core of us wants things to be different....Yes???
So life is no rehearsal, we live just the once and should make it as happy as we can before we get the camera roll to the end and regret not doing the things we so wanted for ourselves.
mrs j
Hugs! Mrs January.
You are obviously a loving mother and I am really sorry that your son committed suicide at 23.
I didn't mean to offend you or anyone on this thread.
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I hope you accept my apology.
Of course I do.
A big hug to you, I know it isn't easy and I really feel for you, depression is debilitating. I do so hope you'll revisit this thread in a few months time though from a much better place.
GG x
I hope I can visit it several times over the next few years and feel in a much better place. Thank you for this.
Poverty is really bad for depression, it's a trap. Where I live is lovely, I live near some old trees, we get foxes, badgers, deer, etc I would hate to lose it cos of some silly mistakes i made in the past, but I have read extensively about ADHD and many of my mistakes can be put down to that, if I get a diagnosis. If I do have ADHD, I will accept myself a lot more, and just hope that the government don't cut ADHD services, like they have done with my vulnerable adult support worker, and mental health support worker.
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What a thread ladies, heartbreaking the pain of some peoples childhoods. The lesson i suppose is where possible stop the rot, break the cycle and not carry it into another generation.
Dandelion, i really hope you find the strength to look for positive outcomes for your issues. Good luck to you.
Geordie girl love your positivity, keep going with it. As for the green sludge i add at least an inch of ginger to mine when i juice it, much more palatable, plus anti inflammatory which helps with the cancer.
Linseyx
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What a thread ladies, heartbreaking the pain of some peoples childhoods. The lesson i suppose is where possible stop the rot, break the cycle and not carry it into another generation.
Dandelion, i really hope you find the strength to look for positive outcomes for your issues. Good luck to you.
Geordie girl love your positivity, keep going with it. As for the green sludge i add at least an inch of ginger to mine when i juice it, much more palatable, plus anti inflammatory which helps with the cancer.
Linseyx
I agree, stop the rot, don't let it affect other generations, which is a big reason why i chose not to have babies.
I guess my mother never had the luxury of that choice with abortion not being legal back then.
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Dandelion
Im not normally one for self help books but this is an interesting read. Healing without freud or prozac by david servan schreiber.
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Dandelion
Im not normally one for self help books but this is an interesting read. Healing without freud or prozac by david servan schreiber.
Thanks.
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No drink today.
Took 100mg 5htp hope they work.
I kept them in a warm place accidentally so i hope they have not lost their potency.
My mum wants me to phone her as she saw my faceook status last week when I was very unhappy. The status was a bit of a dig at my family, I said I am waiting for ADHD assessment, and if not diagnosed, will have to seriously consider my future, as I might be psychologically damaged beyond repair.
I won't kill myself as mentioned earlier on in this thread.
My mum wants me to call her, but she will just put me down, when I am vulnerable like this, she makes it worse by saying things like "We kept you little".
I don't feel mentally safe if I call her. I am not ignoring her, I just don't want to speak to anyone in my family right now.
I feel like they are a negative influence, they talk down to me, and make me feel like rubbish and this can bring on self harm incidents afterwards.
Still, no alcohol so far, and it's 5:15pm.
I stayed at home today, even though it's festival weekend in our little town and everyone is out, it's a beautiful day.
If I went out, I would be on my 2nd or 3rd bottle of cider by now, so if I have to stay in, out the way, to avoid booze, then I will. Going out makes me feel too weak against booze, too many triggers.
The good thing is, I am not physically dependent on alcohol, and so I won't get withdrawals.
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No drink today.
Took 100mg 5htp hope they work.
I kept them in a warm place accidentally so i hope they have not lost their potency.
My mum wants me to phone her as she saw my faceook status last week when I was very unhappy. The status was a bit of a dig at my family, I said I am waiting for ADHD assessment, and if not diagnosed, will have to seriously consider my future, as I might be psychologically damaged beyond repair.
I won't kill myself as mentioned earlier on in this thread.
My mum wants me to call her, but she will just put me down, when I am vulnerable like this, she makes it worse by saying things like "We kept you little".
I don't feel mentally safe if I call her. I am not ignoring her, I just don't want to speak to anyone in my family right now.
I feel like they are a negative influence, they talk down to me, and make me feel like rubbish and this can bring on self harm incidents afterwards.
Still, no alcohol so far, and it's 5:15pm.
I stayed at home today, even though it's festival weekend in our little town and everyone is out, it's a beautiful day.
If I went out, I would be on my 2nd or 3rd bottle of cider by now, so if I have to stay in, out the way, to avoid booze, then I will. Going out makes me feel too weak against booze, too many triggers.
The good thing is, I am not physically dependent on alcohol, and so I won't get withdrawals.
Good for you for staying strong Dandelion.
If you can, try to avoid contact with your mum for the moment - sometimes we have to set boundaries for our own well being.
I read your posts with interest because I get that with talking therapies people can get stuck with the talking. One of the things that has helped me enormously over the years is yoga. It's helped me learn to self soothe my nervous system. I've also found, from teaching it and in my own practice, that it can help to safely release emotions that are stuck in the body too. It's my passion in terms of the area I want to work in - with people who've experienced trauma - to combine yoga with talking therapy to help heal the mind and the body.
Maybe next time you're on YouTube, see if you can find a gentle yoga clip to practice too - you don't have to turn yourself into a pretzel to get the benefits! And it is hard with ADHD to focus on things - I've supported people with that condition and services are patchy and it's a challenge to live with. So you are doing well.
I see a lot of strength and courage in you Dandelion - you had the courage to endure 25 years at home for starters. I left home at 18 and only left because my boss helped me to leave - he took the afternoon off after hearing one too many stories about what was happening to me and helped me sort out a room to rent. I would never have had the courage to leave otherwise because I believed that I was worthless and would not be able to cope on my own because that's what I was constantly told.
So celebrate and remind yourself of your capacity to endure Dandelion - it shows considerable strength of character. You are still here. Still breathing. And you have the capacity for insight on the impact of what has happened to you. A lot of people don't have that - and instead they act it out on others.
BTW have you ever given St John's Wort a try? I know they use it in Germany a lot. The only thing is it does interact with other medications - so if you do try it, check out it's impact on what else you are taking with either a pharmacist or a Dr. I've heard it can help with depression.
Also, a book I found interesting to read was Anatomy of the Noon Day Demon - by Andrew Solomon. I don't know whether your ADHD impacts your ability to focus and read because it is a bit of a big book! But it tells the story of his depression and things he tried - he tried a lot of stuff.
Sending hugs xxx
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Good for you for staying strong Dandelion.
If you can, try to avoid contact with your mum for the moment - sometimes we have to set boundaries for our own well being.
I read your posts with interest because I get that with talking therapies people can get stuck with the talking. One of the things that has helped me enormously over the years is yoga. It's helped me learn to self soothe my nervous system. I've also found, from teaching it and in my own practice, that it can help to safely release emotions that are stuck in the body too. It's my passion in terms of the area I want to work in - with people who've experienced trauma - to combine yoga with talking therapy to help heal the mind and the body.
Maybe next time you're on YouTube, see if you can find a gentle yoga clip to practice too - you don't have to turn yourself into a pretzel to get the benefits! And it is hard with ADHD to focus on things - I've supported people with that condition and services are patchy and it's a challenge to live with. So you are doing well.
I see a lot of strength and courage in you Dandelion - you had the courage to endure 25 years at home for starters. I left home at 18 and only left because my boss helped me to leave - he took the afternoon off after hearing one too many stories about what was happening to me and helped me sort out a room to rent. I would never have had the courage to leave otherwise because I believed that I was worthless and would not be able to cope on my own because that's what I was constantly told.
So celebrate and remind yourself of your capacity to endure Dandelion - it shows considerable strength of character. You are still here. Still breathing. And you have the capacity for insight on the impact of what has happened to you. A lot of people don't have that - and instead they act it out on others.
BTW have you ever given St John's Wort a try? I know they use it in Germany a lot. The only thing is it does interact with other medications - so if you do try it, check out it's impact on what else you are taking with either a pharmacist or a Dr. I've heard it can help with depression.
Also, a book I found interesting to read was Anatomy of the Noon Day Demon - by Andrew Solomon. I don't know whether your ADHD impacts your ability to focus and read because it is a bit of a big book! But it tells the story of his depression and things he tried - he tried a lot of stuff.
Sending hugs xxx
Hi Greenfields, thanks for the hugs and the lovely post.
I do have trouble focusing when reading.
It's good that I didn't drink today, dunno if I am in the mood to be honest.
I tried st johns wort when I was working, but it didn't work, dunno if you have to give it time.
The 5htp I took earlier has seemed to work, I took 100mgs. I tried 200mgs a long time ago and it made me throw up, so I know I cannot do that dose all in one go.
I feel like I am ignoring my mum, cos I have hid my online status on facebook and not replied to her messages, and I feel bad about this, but I also have to protect my self from future further risk of self harm.
I think she loves me for the wrong reasons, she loves to drain my energy by putting me down and taking out her anger on me, and it makes me feel like I have been shit or pissed on, somehow soiled.
I still have that homelessness fear in the background.
In England, there is an atmosphere, a general vibe, of scarcity, lack, 'not-enough-ness' and it is a metaphor for how I feel 'not strong enough, not tough enough' I cry at the drop of a hat.
I have had some drugs today, pregabalin, calms me down, illicit, but it is the only one that works, and docs wont prescribe it, although it is prescribed for anxiety for some people.
Before I had that, I think I was heading for an irrational anxious long sunny day indoors.
I have booted the drink, which is good, but I had to stay indoors alone, because outdoors on a sunny day is too much of a drink trigger.
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Why do you go onto FaceBook :-\ - where all and sundry can access your threads?
You are an adult. You can choose who you contact. Who you tell how you a re feeling ;). I don't tell anyone which medication I take unless the topic crops up in conversation and only then when I think it adds to the thread.
It took me years before I realised that I no longer had to tell my family anything at all ::) - I love writing letters and tended to tell all, as it really is. Then I decided to back off from the family and find the 'real' me. Now I can be evasive when necessary ;).
Little steps. Make sure that you have plenty of nibble-type foods in the house, also plenty of non-alcoholic drinks. I can go weeks without thinking about booze until DH opens a bottle and offers me a sip: then I remember why I don't drink. Don't like the taste much :-X
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I thought that MIND as a Charity are self-funding :-\ and access to all?
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I thought that MIND as a Charity are self-funding :-\ and access to all?
They lost the council funding in this town, as the end of the contract came up and a cheaper outfit put in a better bid, so now, our local MIND funds itself. It costs £2 to get in now. I think someone donated some towards it, but it's still going and fundraising.
Thanks for your other post :)
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Have you plans for a short walk over the weekend, weather allowing? I tend to choose times when I know people aren't likely to be about ….. same with shopping. That way I don't have to be sociable ;)
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Have you plans for a short walk over the weekend, weather allowing? I tend to choose times when I know people aren't likely to be about ….. same with shopping. That way I don't have to be sociable ;)
Hi CKLD
I went to the shop tonight to get some more tobacco, that was nice, the birds were singing, as it was that lovely 'in between day and night' time.
I smoked a bit of weed and that lifted my mood.
I will park it on my mum for a bit.
I feel guilty for posting that fb message and having a dig.
I normally use fb to spread political messages and interesting articles rather than relationships, but the odd time I do post how i feel.
It was like a digital tantrum I guess.
Dunno if mum is really worried about me being unhappy or worried that she may lose me and have no one to pick on, hoping that I will come back.
When I re-established contact she said she knew I would come back after 7yrs, and that pissed me off.
Dunno if she genuinely misses me or misses someone to put down, she hated seeing me happy and so did Dad when they were in bad moods.
I feel good like I am hurting her, but then again, this is not mature.
I can only feel in a good mood if my heart feels right. I know that sounds starry, but if I try to be in a good mood when in my heart I am not, it will not work, and only be successful if somehow I get my heart warmed and lifted.
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Nope it isn't mature. Resentment can breed hostility.
I don't engage. Unless I have to do so. Works for me as we are miles from each other. I don't look for 'mights' any longer, Mum has her agenda and I let her get on with. We don't know what our parents went through before we arrived and can forget that they had a Life before children ;D ………. one that can damage or re-inforce habits that are then passed down.
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Nope it isn't mature. Resentment can breed hostility.
I don't engage. Unless I have to do so. Works for me as we are miles from each other. I don't look for 'mights' any longer, Mum has her agenda and I let her get on with. We don't know what our parents went through before we arrived and can forget that they had a Life before children ;D ………. one that can damage or re-inforce habits that are then passed down.
I know, my parents have had their souls stolen during bad experiences that I cannot even imagine. They never told me they did, I can just see, from the way they behaved and acted out on me, but why choose me?
And, that is why my heart hurts, and resentment is there needing to be transmuted and released somehow.
I'm not asking you this, I am speaking rhetorically:
I ask why choose me?, What is bad about me that attracts damaged people to act out their damage on me.
I feel vulnerable and resentful sometimes, but I need to get it out properly, in a healthy way, I just dunno what that is.
Writing helps and I am more aware now, but my awareness is only increaseing slowly, and when it increases even more, and the resentment is transmuted, the immature thoughts will go, as the crying child is healed.
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I didn't insult my family, I said I make mistakes, have had relationships, and bring the worst out in my relatives. I said that if I dont get an ADHD diagnosis, it will mean I am psychologically damaged beyond repair.
It was comments about me, but there was a dig in there somewhere, I just didn't put about the abuse in.
I know they are damaged, I just want to be able to protect myself from the fallout of others acting out their own damage on me, I want to be able to repel it. It's a skill I have not learnt and don't seem to be able to, no matter how I try. In confrontation, I get really visibly physically nervous, or cry or lose my temper and self harm.
I resent being vulnerable and feeling unsafe, more than I resent the individuals who psychologically abused me, family.
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I want to be able to repel it. It's a skill I have not learnt and don't seem to be able to, no matter how I try. In confrontation, I get really visibly physically nervous, or cry or lose my temper and self harm.
I resent being vulnerable and feeling unsafe, more than I resent the individuals who psychologically abused me, family.
To quote from your earlier post
"I feel good like I am hurting her"
Is this your way of repelling future abuse?
Again, quoting your own words
"this is not mature"
Dandelion, for your own sake you have to do something, anything, positive.
It's not realistic or reasonable to blame others for the way you feel.
YOU are the person that is making you feel as you do.
You CAN change things, you are in control.
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I want to be able to repel it. It's a skill I have not learnt and don't seem to be able to, no matter how I try. In confrontation, I get really visibly physically nervous, or cry or lose my temper and self harm.
I resent being vulnerable and feeling unsafe, more than I resent the individuals who psychologically abused me, family.
To quote from your earlier post
"I feel good like I am hurting her"
Is this your way of repelling future abuse?
Again, quoting your own words
"this is not mature"
Dandelion, for your own sake you have to do something, anything, positive.
It's not realistic or reasonable to blame others for the way you feel.
YOU are the person that is making you feel as you do.
You CAN change things, you are in control.
I struggle as an adult.
Every time I tried to have an adult conversation with her when she was picking on me, she would just tell me to grow up, even when I was trying to be the adult. She would just bombard me with insulting names about my character. A few years ago, she admitted trying to keep me little.
What type of a loving parent does that? :(
As I was growing up she used to just put me down all the time, and when I told her to stop putting me down, she would tell me to shut up.
She wanted someone who she could pick on and take out her bad moods on, she never wanted me to grow into a functioning adult.
This tells me that she did not have my best interests at hears.
I have been trying to do my best since, but my earlier brainwashing has made me struggle at every step of the way.
I would have loved for a nurturing family, but I just don't trust them.
I've got limited control because I have found it impossible to undo all the negative conditioning from my parents.
I am in fear of losing my home, but I don't want to go back to my mum's house because she did mentally wound me so much that i feel disabled as an adult and limited in what I can do.
It's all very sad.
When I try to do positive things, as my heart is still hurting, it just all falls through.
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I think you need to sever all ties with your mother then, once and for all
My OH and I when we were both 45, had no parents left, we are on own making our own good/bad luck
Annie xx
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I have got a property which I may lose due to my money being cut.
I might end up in debt when it sells cos the previous owner breached the lease really badly.
It's all too easy to say make your own happiness, but try telling that to someone with tons of debt around their neck and nowhere to live.
If your personality has been warped that much it is impossible to make your own happiness.
I would have loved a husband but I end up getting men who treat me like shit, or just want me for sex, or cheat on me, so having a man ended up making me really miserable.
I just feel doomed.
I don't mean to disrespect anyone who has terminal illness, I am sad for them as they want to live, but I don't want to live any more than about five years.
I obviously wont commit suicide but I don't like living with all this stress.
I am sorry, I just cannot form a genuine smile. I can do a false one, but what is the point in that?
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I think you need to sever all ties with your mother then, once and for all
My OH and I when we were both 45, had no parents left, we are on own making our own good/bad luck
Annie xx
If I had a loving husband, things would be much easier but I have no one.
But, I agree, a zero is better than a minus.
I just want to be sure it is the right thing that I am doing.
I don't 100% know, but I strongly suspect, my mum had it in for me, and wanted me to be miserable, it energised her.
I wish/hope I am wrong about this, but there are a small percentage of mothers who don't like their kids, or maybe some mothers like all but one or two of their kids.
I'm going to speak to my counsellor on tuesday and see what she thinks.
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I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it
If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone
I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back
Annie
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I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it
If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone
I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back
Annie
Your're all heart :(
Your sister could be mentally ill and vulnerable.
Why are you posting on here if you have no empathy with me, it's not helping.
If a friend of mine had a bad relationship with her family and had also bought a flat that may generate debt if sold, and fear of homelessness in the future, I would be a lot more sympathetic, and a bit empathetic too.
Also, I don't understand when you say you might not have your hubby for years and years, but, I apologise in advance if I am missing something.
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I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it
If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone
I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back
Annie
Your're all heart :(
Your sister could be mentally ill and vulnerable.
Why are you posting on here if you have no empathy with me, it's not helping.
If a friend of mine had a bad relationship with her family and had also bought a flat that may generate debt if sold, and fear of homelessness in the future, I would be a lot more sympathetic, and a bit empathetic too.
Also, I don't understand when you say you might not have your hubby for years and years, but, I apologise in advance if I am missing something.
I think Annie may have been posting because she'd had similar family issues in the past.
Try reading her post fully, she was obviously distressed by the situation.
Does empathy only go one way?
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I have a sister who 16 years ago lost the plot and severed all ties with my family, devastated me to begin with but I learned to cope, she was evil when my mum died and a few years ago she tried to 'get me round' I was in a dilemma about it but decided I didn't want such a negative person in my life, so chose to live the rest of my life without her in it
If your mother really is as bad as you say, I'd be long gone
I might not have my dear OH for years and years, either way I'll never get my parents back
Annie
Your're all heart :(
Your sister could be mentally ill and vulnerable.
Why are you posting on here if you have no empathy with me, it's not helping.
If a friend of mine had a bad relationship with her family and had also bought a flat that may generate debt if sold, and fear of homelessness in the future, I would be a lot more sympathetic, and a bit empathetic too.
Also, I don't understand when you say you might not have your hubby for years and years, but, I apologise in advance if I am missing something.
I think Annie may have been posting because she'd had similar family issues in the past.
Try reading her post fully, she was obviously distressed by the situation.
Does empathy only go one way?
Sorry @Annie0710 , I read your post wrong.
When you said she lost the plot, I thought it could have been losing the plot as in mental illness, because I have heard a few people with mental illness, reflect back on their mental breaks as losing the plot.
My mum and sister used to boss me around, and bully me, so the only way I could envisage them as being upset if i cut off contact with them is wondering if they will be bothered because if I go permanently, it will mean they have no one to bully or pick on, whereas, at least now, they have hope that I will visit them or see them again.
I don't know whether my mum and sister are evil, because it was only me they picked on, and they are lovely to each other and the rest of the family. My sisters used to spar with each other, but one never picked on the other.
Also, my brothers are close to my sisters, so, they can be a loving family.
I am glad I said, in my fb message, that I brought out the worst in them, rather than saying they brought out the worst in me, because it was my of saying, what were my shortcomings that enabled you to pick on me?
That way, I am saying that something that I did brought about the victimisation, rather than just directly blaming them.
I would rather somebody told me my shortcomings rather than just call me vague names like idiot, or vague put downs like "You don't deserve to be spoken civilly to" because at least I could do something if they said, "It annoys/upsets/etc me when you...."
At least that way I learn, all I learnt from being picked on contintually was to assume everything was my fault, and to fear people.
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Just catching up with this thread. Have I understood correctly that as well as alcohol, you use tobacco and weed? No wonder you're depressed Dandelion, you're filling your body with toxins. Weed is also linked to paranoia.
You consistently blame your family for your situation but although you can't change the past, you can change the future - you'll only do that be taking responsibility yourself. You've been blaming your family, David Cameron, previous flat owners... Sh*t happens but we pick ourselves up and move on. Wait for someone else to pick you up and you'll be waiting an awful long time. There are organisations that can help you but only if you're prepared to help yourself. In all of this thread I dint think I've seen you take responsibility for anything?
Cut out the stuff you're poisoning yourself with (your body AND your finances will thank you for it) then rather than sit and wait for a diagnosis, make a list of key goals going forward. Do 5 things each day to help bring you closer to these and you'll feel at least that you're moving forward. It's a good feeling and it motivates you. More than any diagnosis will (I can't see how that will help except for more benefits).
Losing your house would be tough but there are rented properties - it doesn't mean you'd be on the streets. Alternatively have you considered a lodger?
Happiness is a state of mind not circumstances - and trust me I know some people whose situation would be your (anyone's) worst nightmare and yet they choose to be happy.
GG x
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P.S. I'm typing on a autocorrect-happy phone, please ignore the typos above x
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Hi Geordie Girl
I totally agree with your post. Our future is in our own hands in my view, we can blame all sorts of things and situations, to take drugs, alcohol, smoking is all a CHOICE we individually make to do ( only my view) I have been nurse now for 33 years and seen first hand the sorrow caused to family members of what people do to them selves with drugs etc. I have had some very, very hard times in my life. My dad will be 77 BH Monday tomorrow and I haven't seen him in 23 years, my mother died 5 years ago and relationship was awful
CHOICE, yep I choose to live my life better for not having them in it, I am rounded and whole despite my son's suicide last year at 23.......I could have crumbled but stayed strong, I don't smoke, drink or take drugs, my elder brother did all of it...me ...nah I want better things to spend my money on and be a good mum to my kids....the future is what we want it to be , the past is a closed chapter in our life
Mrs January xx
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Just catching up with this thread. Have I understood correctly that as well as alcohol, you use tobacco and weed? No wonder you're depressed Dandelion, you're filling your body with toxins. Weed is also linked to paranoia.
You consistently blame your family for your situation but although you can't change the past, you can change the future - you'll only do that be taking responsibility yourself. You've been blaming your family, David Cameron, previous flat owners... Sh*t happens but we pick ourselves up and move on. Wait for someone else to pick you up and you'll be waiting an awful long time. There are organisations that can help you but only if you're prepared to help yourself. In all of this thread I dint think I've seen you take responsibility for anything?
Cut out the stuff you're poisoning yourself with (your body AND your finances will thank you for it) then rather than sit and wait for a diagnosis, make a list of key goals going forward. Do 5 things each day to help bring you closer to these and you'll feel at least that you're moving forward. It's a good feeling and it motivates you. More than any diagnosis will (I can't see how that will help except for more benefits).
Losing your house would be tough but there are rented properties - it doesn't mean you'd be on the streets. Alternatively have you considered a lodger?
Happiness is a state of mind not circumstances - and trust me I know some people whose situation would be your (anyone's) worst nightmare and yet they choose to be happy.
GG x
Hi Geordie Girl
Firstly, may I correct you on ADHD diagnosis and more benefits.
I will not get more benefits due to getting an ADHD diagnosis. I will be on the same ones.
I know you did not say this, but money is not a reason I want a diagnosis.
I have a small pension income, and savings, which is where my drink and drug money come from.
I do well in minimising my drink and drug use, and for that, I am proud of myself. OK it is not as simple as stopping, but anyone who knows about addiction knows it is not as simple as stopping dead.
I spend very little on drugs, more on drink.
The last time I stopped dead, I badly self harmed, not in a premeditated way, but in a quick loss of temper on myself kind of way. This type of thing often happens when I go totally sober from anything.
I am not in the mood for alcohol today, so it was easy not to have a drink today.
There is a housing crisis in the UK. Being a benefit claimant does not automatically guarantee you a house, neither does having mental health problems. Private rents, plus, bills, even for sober people who don't smoke, can be too expensive and result in eviction, for workers and claimants alike. Most private landlords don't take claimants, and all homeless charities know that.
If I have a problem, and I can do something about it, I either solve it, or get advice or help to solve it, and then I feel better.
It is only the insolvable ones that I cannot seem to shift the mood from my heart.
That has been the way long before I started to drink or do drugs.
The unsolvable ones at the time were the painful relationships I had with my family.
Yes, I could have moved out, but I thought the problems were my fault, as my family manipulated me into thinking I was the one at fault, so I was forever trying to improve myself, only getting nowhere, because I did not know I was being manipulated, or 'kept little', or, brainwashed.
More and more people are being made homeless. I have not gone into detail about my flat, but there is a chance I will also be made homeless.
I have not said that I blame David Cameron, the previous owners of my flat, or anyone for my issues. In fact, I even said that I bring out the worst in my family and there is something I am doing that is attracting bullying, because a bully would bully everyone if it was all of the bullies fault, whereas bullies do not bully everyone, only those who somehow in some way, show the bully they are a victim.
I also do tell myself I am grateful that I do have a home now, and that I have the use of my arms, legs, and senses.
I know of people who have lost their independent living funds and home-helps so they can no longer care for themselves in their own home and have to be moved to insititutions.
I also know of people who have had their disability living allowance cut, and can no longer go to work as they can no longer afford the various aids that allowed them to go out to work each day and hold down a job.
There are people who are stronger and more able to smile despite worse problems, I have never denied that.
I can't help feeling the way I feel about the possible spectres hanging over me. I always try to apply the CBT tool I learnt, not to worry about things that I cannot control, but the physical feelings wont go away.
I try to make myself smile and I even force myself to laugh, so that people can 'see' I am jolly and upbeat, but I just feel a fake to be honest.
Thaks for the lodger Idea but I don't have the room, and also I like my own space.
I do acknowledge that I fear the worst case scenario a lot of the time.
I know there are people who have terminal illnesses, disabiliities, etc etc, but for an agoraphobic vulnerable person to be homeless and keep a smile on his/her face, I would think that would be mission impossible.
I might stand corrected here also, but how many women with very bad meno symptoms can feel happy? I just hope mine go by the time my doc wants me off hrt.
Some people do have suicidal feelings, telling them that there are people worse off, might be well intentioned but it really doesn't help. People like this know that there are people worse off than them, they don't want to be worse off, they want to be better off. Remembering to feel greatful is a good thing, but it does not stop the horrible feelings coming up.
So, I do think I am taking as much responsiblity for myself as possible right at this time. I feel like I am being guilt tripped and its the last thing I need as I just feel alienated and invalidated.
Anyway, I responded to my mum's facebook message today in a respectful way, but in a way that I can respect myself for as well, so I am grateful for that. I said.
"Adhd is a physical, rather than a mental condition. All physical conditions were once unheard of"
She had previously said ADHD means f*ck all and it wasn't heard of until a few years ago.
I won't be putting any more posts like this in this forum. I'll still be friendly and help where i can but I will keep my queries to meno only.
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But that is not your fault. Maybe your Mum had 'empty nest syndrome' and didn't want to let you 'go'. But that was then, you need to deal with the now. I found writing a letter so that I could vent but not sending it cleared my head - watching the letter burn in the grate seemed to release my anger and sorrow.
I get angry still 'cos she can be soooo annoying but even when her anger was aimed at me, I could see it wasn't me she was angry at. She had to get it 'out' and I was in the way ::) . Available. Safe ? to shout at. It made me angry though but I didn't react. Odd that, so unlke me but OH I DID feel *good* ::)
Taking care of you may be difficult. However, you have got thus far? Many mental health and physical conditions were hidden and many were not known until recent years so as Science advances, so will realisation and diagnosis. Make those lists of what does make you smile, what will make you relaxed (other than drugs/drink); we cant' be happy continually but we should be able to have a base-line from which to work. For me it's getting through the night and being able to get out of bed each morning, anything else is a bonus 8) - and I find myself standing still occasinally to simply 'be'. (pity I can't spell ::))
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But that is not your fault. Maybe your Mum had 'empty nest syndrome' and didn't want to let you 'go'. But that was then, you need to deal with the now. I found writing a letter so that I could vent but not sending it cleared my head - watching the letter burn in the grate seemed to release my anger and sorrow.
I get angry still 'cos she can be soooo annoying but even when her anger was aimed at me, I could see it wasn't me she was angry at. She had to get it 'out' and I was in the way ::) . Available. Safe ? to shout at. It made me angry though but I didn't react. Odd that, so unlke me but OH I DID feel *good* ::)
Taking care of you may be difficult. However, you have got thus far? Many mental health and physical conditions were hidden and many were not known until recent years so as Science advances, so will realisation and diagnosis. Make those lists of what does make you smile, what will make you relaxed (other than drugs/drink); we cant' be happy continually but we should be able to have a base-line from which to work. For me it's getting through the night and being able to get out of bed each morning, anything else is a bonus 8) - and I find myself standing still occasinally to simply 'be'. (pity I can't spell ::))
Hi CKLD and thanks for your post.
Maybe my mum did have empty nest syndrome.
She apologised for sending me that message on fb, which meant a lot to me.
I did a no send letter, that helps a bit.