Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: toffeecushion on April 29, 2015, 07:00:04 AM
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I'm sorry but I need to vent and to ask if anyone else cries easily.
I've got a day off work today so usually spend it catching up on housework. Last night I asked my sons (25 and 26) to make sure all their washing was in the bathroom so I could wash it today. Well one did it the other didn't (shouldn't have expected any different really). So I went in his room this morning, while he was asleep and picked up all his dirty clothes and washed them. Big mistake, I should have known because they were on his floor that he didn't want them washed. He had a moan this morning and I couldn't cope.
I'm not feeling too good anyway, I ache all over and am having to struggle taking my vitamin D tablets. I don't want to spend my day off doing housework and other people's washing but I do it anyway. I just want to curl up somewhere and have some time to myself but I can't. I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. So as soon as he left this morning I just burst into tears and now my head is aching as well.
Going to leave the cat litter (next job on my list) and have a cup of tea. Haven't even got any biscuits :(. Thanks for letting me rant, life seems hard at times.
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The answer is yes, toffeecushion. Usually when I'm feeling stressed and/or sorry for myself. Which seems to be quite often these days!
:foryou:
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Yes Toffee cushion, sounds like my house at the mo. I've got two unruly teenage boys and a husband :)
I'm feeling tearful at the moment too so I've decided not to do any housework today. Instead I'm going to do some baking and then curl up with a good book and a cuppa.
:foryou:
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Thanks for replying. I feel a bit silly now, but sometimes things just feel so difficult. Having a cup of tea. Hope you both have a good day :)
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I would say picking the things off the floor and washing them was absolutely the right thing to do if that was not what he wanted in my book ;D
He should have done as you asked, or let you know properly that he did not want them washed. And definitely not left them on the floor ;)
(speaking as a menopausal mother of an unemployed 23yr old university drop out)
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Oh yes Toffeecushion feel for you :hug:
Sons 25. 26 ! You need to start thinking of yourself a bit more ! If you dont want to spend EVERY day off doing housework then don't !
They are old enough to help out i.e. being tidy in the first place,they can surely open a washing machine door and push a button ! As someone on here said to me when I felt guilty about not being able to cook,clean, etc when feeling bad, DELEGATE ! If had a broken leg,arm they would have to do it >:(
Look after yourself and give yourself a break ,you are more than worth it . X
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Sounds just like my son! The difference is I would have left his washing, he's 23 and has been away for 4 years at university, he moves back home in 5 weeks and the thought terrifies me! Does anyone else feel like this? My other half and I have got used to it being just the two of us, initially it took a lot of adjustment when my son first went away so I know I'm going to be up and down when he returns. I love my son dearly like any other mother but I'm in full blown menopause now and things are different. I would say curl up, read, watch a movie, phone a friend, whatever you do even if it's only for half a hour, if it's you time then you will feel better afterwards and able to deal with the things that upset you a bit better.
xXx
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Thank you so much for replying. I really needed your support. It all seems so petty, but I just can't even handle the little things anymore. I've just been up to his room and there are still clothes on the floor and they are staying there. If I can't get the hoover in it won't get hoovered. I love my sons to bits but often feel that I should never have been a mum, just don't think I am there for them like I used to be. Same goes for my husband really. I feel such a different person, sometimes I feel like I have no feelings and I am just plodding through life just existing.
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"Don't think you are there for them like you use to be "
You nutured them from -9months through adulthood ! They are men now! Albeit they will always be your children !
Cut yourself some slack ,have some time for you,if you feel better then they will benefit in the long run . ;)
Remember if you spoil them too much another woman will have to pick up the pieces ! ;D
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Remember if you spoil them too much another woman will have to pick up the pieces ! ;D
That made me smile, that's so right :)
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Hope you feel better toffeecushion.. ;)
I cry at the drop of a hat these days, cant watch movies if someone dies in them, cant even tolerate a baby crying without it making me really tearful!! Its a nightmare!......I even burst into tears when my partner dropped toothpaste on my freshly washed black bathroom floor tiles!! ;D He thinks I'm a nutter these days and at times so do I, but hey ho... not much I can do but sit it out and hope i'll come out the other side of this hormonal hell one day soon!
Take care and as the ladies all said, take time for you, you are Important too! :bighug:
Angela.x
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I am unable to cry. Rant, shout, get angry ……. but not cry.
However: a man is only as good a husband as his mother allows him to be ;)
Time for The Conversation. At their ages I would not be happy with parents in and out of my bedroom/bathroom. We all need our space. So asking them to put their washing ready for laundry day is surely as far as you need to go? Whilst living with my parents mine didn't get done unless it was in the wash box in the bathroom the night before Mum did laundry which was once a week. Followed by her doing the ironing and putting away. If I had forgotten that I required an item she would turn it round ::) by hand washing and holding in front of the fire but that didn't happen often.
It comes down to, if they lived alone they would need to do chores themselves: or not …….. :-\ if you no longer want to do their laundry, then don't. It doesn't mean that you care less, but you are giving them 'wings' ;)
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Hope you feel a bit better now Toffeecushion - don't feel silly either.
I too cry much more than I used to. Especially when tired and anxious.
Look after you for a change - our children get the best of us and then we are too tired to care for ourselves. I have a 12 and 15 year old and do try to get them to help out, especially as I am a single parent, but their apathy is astonishing. I have pretty much refused to go near my daughter's bedroom - it is a pit!! My son ,who's 12, is tidier but often has to be reminded that he does actually know how to turn a tap on to get a glass of water!
Sending a hug and be kind to yourself, you sound like a lovely Mum!
Tealady xx
p.s. go and stock up on biscuits and chocolate! :)
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Teens take advantage ……… I know I did but my parents wouldn't allow me to do much around the house.
I think too that we have too many items. We had to change our school clothes once we reached home into play clothes, we had different outfits to wear for Sat. and Sunday and Mum made sure that school clothes were ready by Sunday evening. Same with shoes - we had wellies, shoes, plimsolls, and slippers.
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Hello toffeecushion.
I am in a similar position to you as my 22 year old son has just moved back home and will be commuting to his new job. Prior to this he was away at university and then lived and worked in London for six months. He is perfectly capable of looking after himself as an individual but when he is at home he doesn't feel the same pressure and although he will do things if I ask, he doesn't notice the jobs that need doing and doesn't think to volunteer! My daughter on the other hand is more observant and helpful, she always does her own washing when she visits for example, whereas my son even needs to be reminded to empty his laundry basket.
Your sons sound like typical young men who haven't realised that household chores need to be done which means somebody has to expend time and energy doing them! Don't worry, they'll learn soon enough, we all do, and in the meantime I think you should be kind to yourself as well as your sons.
Wishing you well.
K.
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I have just my 20 year old son left at home. I'm my own worst enemy whereas I've brought my children up not helping around the house. But it works both ways. I've never gone in their rooms without asking , giving them full privacy, likewise they've never gone in my room without permission. So, if it's not in the wash basket, it doesn't get washed. He cleans his own room (always a dirty tip in there) but we get on well.
I don't do stress, and many times I've been told by people I'm too laid back, but that's just the way I am. I'm gobsmacked if he offers me a coffee !
I hope you're feeling better now, we have hormones playing us about left , right and centre and it's better to let your tears flow than keeping them back
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Sometimes once they have left and returned, they feel in a difficult situation regards housework. Because the routine is set they don't want to interfere; apparently ::). A friend explained that he felt awkward about offering his services
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Thank you all. Feeling a lot better now, been to Tesco and bought a cake :) Going to change my way of thinking - if if ain't in the bathroom it don't get washed ;) But I know he will bung it all in in one go and just when I thought all the washing was done I will have a basket full.
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Could he not have a day when he does his own laundry? That way you could do a load if it's put out and if there's extra during the week …… :whist: ………..
Did someone mention :cake: >hands over plate< ;D
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Oh I can relate to that TC when our son was still at home. He's much better nowadays now he has his own place with his GF. He does heaps more than he ever did here, mind you his GF wouldn't let him be otherwise. :)
As for crying at the drop of a hat, I've done that on occasion. No rhyme or reason to it.
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Hormones :-\ ???
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I have times when I cry easily and other times when I feel like I could do with a really good cry and just can't. I think that most of us do too much for our children and sometimes their remarks can be like a slap in the face when you're feeling particularly sensitive.
This thread made me smile though, reading all about your children's 'pits' and Sparkle how you can barely get in the door with the hoover. My daughter's room is like that and I just go in to see her and try my best to ignore the mess. She'll be going off to uni later this year so she'll have to have a clear out before she goes but then I'll be crying because I'll miss her so much.
Hope you feel better now Toffeecushion after some cake. I'm off work tomorrow and will definitely not be doing housework! x
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Hi toffeecushion
Just to add - when I was peri-menopausal I blubbed a lot of the time and at the slightest thing! All sorts of stuff made me cry that I used to be able to cope with so just have a good cry and then maybe you'll feel better! Let the tears come.... this phase will pass..... Explain to your sons that's how you feel sometimes and that you are not seriously depressed - that it's just hormones like extreme pms!
As for the washing. DON'T DO IT! Heavens - they are in their mid 20's! If they have been away from home (eg university) then it's easier to initiate this. Even if they haven't it's about time they did! Having said this sharing a washing machine can cause problems eg sons doing a load, when I want to or leaving it sitting in the machine!
You will all be doing them a favour by setting ground rules, and expecting them to share the work-load and especially at this time in your lives!
Hurdity :)
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Ooh yes Hurdity reminded me, my son does his own ironing too! We taught him how to do simple meals too, as I say he does nothing to help but lightens my workload with the bits we've taught him
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Morning Ladies,
Oh my this all sounds familiar - crying - well do nothing but cry at the moment, but hey ho it could be worse.
With regard to the children coming home from Uni - my two (twins) are coming home soon for the "Summer" and I like most mums are looking forward to seeing them but on the other hand dreading it - I've enjoyed the time here with me and hubby just 'Pottering around the parish' as they say.
Now the washing load - I said to my lot when they were last home - I was as cool as a piece of Ice and when we were all sitting down for dinner I said, 'the maid is having a day off tomorrow' :o :o 'We don't have a maid' Doh! my Daughter said 'we jolly well do' was my reply, but anyway she's not in tomorrow and actually guys we really ought to look after her because I have heard she is thinking of handing her notice in!
So next day came and I took myself out for the day, nearly bloody killed me thinking what was left at home, but I came back after they were all home. I never stacked the dish washer, washing machine wasn't on, milk left out, clothes left on the landing by the washing bin!! lights on, you name it I did. I thought we had been burgled.
It's amazing how they picked things up and then wiped down the sides and stacked the dish washer - try it Ladies - who got the upper hand yours truly.
Love to you all and have a lovely day
Hugs x
:bighug:
Toffeecushion - you my friend are doing just fine - just like the rest of us
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Hugs, that was a brilliant idea. I don't know if I could handle leaving it all behind for a day, I think it might kill me too, but sounds like it's worth a try!
All this is so very familiar to me as well. Little everyday things have me in tears all the time, like being overwhelmed by housework and feeling taken advantage of. The mess in my daughter's room (so many beautiful clothes, all over the floor!) gets me so upset I find it's best if I avoid going in there altogether. Today I burst out in tears at the thought of my son's upcoming graduation from high school--not getting emotional at the thought of this milestone event but because I don't know if I can handle having a graduation party at our house! Graduation parties are pretty much a requirement, I'd feel like a terrible parent if I didn't give him a party as nice as the one his sister had five years ago. But I was only 43 then, I didn't know how different I could feel at 48, how overwhelming it can seem in the middle of this hormonal mess.
And I haven't yet allowed myself to think about my daughter leaving in September do her graduate degree in the UK. A whole year on the other side of the ocean. I will be crying a lot when that time comes.
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Rhubarb
Had to reply to you as so much of what you've said really struck a chord with me, we're the same age and may have children of a similar age, My son is leaving secondary school which I think is the same as your high school but luckily the school arrange a party at a hotel so I don't have that worry. You mention the mess in your daughters room...same here, feeling taken advantage of...same here!
My daughter will be leaving in September to go to uni, in the UK luckily but still a good five or six hours drive away from us and I'm dreading her leaving and not being around. x
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Hi ToffeeC,
I cry very easily due to peri meno. It's worse at different times of the month . Glad to see you are feeling stronger . Keep strong.
Pepperminty xx
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Rhubarb
Had to reply to you as so much of what you've said really struck a chord with me, we're the same age and may have children of a similar age, My son is leaving secondary school which I think is the same as your high school but luckily the school arrange a party at a hotel so I don't have that worry. You mention the mess in your daughters room...same here, feeling taken advantage of...same here!
My daughter will be leaving in September to go to uni, in the UK luckily but still a good five or six hours drive away from us and I'm dreading her leaving and not being around. x
We do seem to have a lot in common, carol24! I felt the same when I read your earlier post and you said we do too much for our children. A five hour drive is quite far, we'll need to start a support group when our daughters go away in September! I'm thankful my son will still be at home, he's going to a university nearby, but it will be much quieter and he will be missing his sister too.
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Goodness Girls let them go ::) ……. DH went from 1 side of the country 2 the other by train in the 1970s, only 1 train there and 1 out daily. No way could any one at home take him because we were all working. He had to pack everything he required into a trunk which went on ahead. He had no lodgings when he arrived …….. eventually he found a B&B for the 1st Term and he moved the next. When he went into Hall rooms had to be cleared at the end of each Term as they were let for holiday makers.
The train journey, by the way, took 8 hours! ………. his parents taught him to cook/clean before he left home.
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Thank you all. Feeling a lot better now, been to Tesco and bought a cake :) Going to change my way of thinking - if if ain't in the bathroom it don't get washed ;) But I know he will bung it all in in one go and just when I thought all the washing was done I will have a basket full.
My son does that, bungs it all in one go, but he knows that doesn't mean it'll be given priority, I'll do the washload that is most important, underwear, work wear etc.
He knows me so well now, his ironing pile is huge but so be it
In fact, I always give him notice of when I'm putting in a wash, and since Easter, he keeps saying he must get his clothes out of his car from when we went away, and I still haven't got them in the wash basket !!! He's the one losing out, not me :-)
Annie
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My two boys are forever leaving dirty laundry on their bedroom floor. I nag and nag that if it ain't in basket it doesn't get washed. Thought I was fighting a losing battle until one day, my 13 year old son came to me in a flap because he had games at school and his kit was dirty. I already knew this having seen it on his floor. After telling him there was no time to wash his kit, I packed him off to school. His games teacher had told him to "borrow" a kit out of lost property .... After telling me the kit he borrowed was dirty and smelly he now makes doubly sure that is own is carefully placed in laundry basket with plenty of time to wash it.
It took me years of nagging but it's finally paid off thank goodness xxx
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Amazing what works, Claireylou! ;D
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We do let them go CLKD but it's not easy at the time. You invest so much time in your kids that when they do fly the nest there is a big gaping hole in your life. It takes time to adjust and learn how to be you and not just mum.
So, for the ladies with younger kids, make the most of every minute with them as the time passes all to quickly. Before you know it you will be washing for two and wondering where the time went ::)
My daughter is moving out again in Sept for her final year of uni. I will miss her dreadfully but it's what she wants to do. I'm not looking forward to it though.
Honeybun
X
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I'm sorry but I need to vent and to ask if anyone else cries easily.
I've got a day off work today so usually spend it catching up on housework. Last night I asked my sons (25 and 26) to make sure all their washing was in the bathroom so I could wash it today. Well one did it the other didn't (shouldn't have expected any different really). So I went in his room this morning, while he was asleep and picked up all his dirty clothes and washed them. Big mistake, I should have known because they were on his floor that he didn't want them washed. He had a moan this morning and I couldn't cope.
I'm not feeling too good anyway, I ache all over and am having to struggle taking my vitamin D tablets. I don't want to spend my day off doing housework and other people's washing but I do it anyway. I just want to curl up somewhere and have some time to myself but I can't. I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. So as soon as he left this morning I just burst into tears and now my head is aching as well.
Going to leave the cat litter (next job on my list) and have a cup of tea. Haven't even got any biscuits :(. Thanks for letting me rant, life seems hard at times.
Sorry to hear you feel like this.
As for housework, sometimes I start it and end up crying or getting really angry to the point of self harm, so I have to leave it.
I started sorting the washing, and ended up just putting a huge heap of clothes on my bed that needs sheets putting on it.
Everything just feels overwhelming sometimes. I just do little bits of washing and housework when I can cope. Hoovering is worse, my floor got so dirty that the hoover finally busted. Depresseion takes away my energy and makes me ok with a dirty house, which i am ashamed of.
Now I understand why some people don't clean, they just don't have the energy, they are not lazy.
I am hard working, but depression just floors me. I am buying a nice Henry hoover and a carpet cleaner, it wont make mydirty carptet like new, but it will improve it and make me feel a bit happier, all the little thing, ah!!!
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Sometimes even the simplist of tasks is overwhelming :)
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My daughter has done 3 years at Uni and has been living in London for 9 months.
She came home at the weekend unexpectedly and came in the garden to say hello, I went to hug her and burst into tears, I can only say it that emotion I felt was similar to when my Mum died last year. (Makes no sense) This wave of emotion crept up on me again and I hate it! she said what's wrong Mum ? I just said I was pleased to see her but felt SO STUPID and out of control.. I just hate being an emotional wreck...
What is also awful is that I can't focus on anything while she is here but how I am going to cope when she goes again... I cannot simply enjoy the moment. I hope these feelings get better. My other daughter leaves shortly to spend a year overseas I am already focussing on the drive to the airport and dreading it!
I need to find a way to deal with this :-\
Anyone else out there have any tips ?
Rebecca
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Yeah lots of things are overwhelming.
I remember as a little girl and meeting a lot of women who were over 40-50 and feeling unhappy vibes from them, now I know why, they were probably going through perimenopause.
Now I understand.
If the docs would just give us a good choice of hrt and not bang on about cancer risks we would be alot happier and able to do housework etc without crying.
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When depressed I dozed on the settee for months. Not a lot got done. Now not a lot gets done because I'm up and about doing stuff with DH :-*. It gets me down sometimes, we are dirty in places i.e. along window sills, double glazing needs cleaning on the frames, floors need mopping. DH wields the hoovery-thingy most Mondays even moving the bed ….. he doesn't do windowsills though ::)
I try to keep kitchen and lounge tidy in case visitors arrive, but no one does. PHEW! and friends that drop by have to take me as they find us!
Even tackling 1 room a day doesn't help me, our dining room is full of stuff I have put there - out of sight, out of mind. So on my better days I do 'chores', but far prefer being in our garden ;)
As for shedding tears with a surprise visit from the daughter! That would happen to me too, no need to be ashamed. If I meet people I am fond of in the street, I'm soon reaching for the Kleenex - with sheer pleasure!
;D Claireylou - :medal: result!
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Clutter and mess makes my anxiety much worse. I need tidiness to be able to cope. Funny how we are all different.
I just have to have a tidy house.
Rebecca, have you told your daughter you are going through meno. Both my son and daughter know and if I get a bit over emotional I just get a hug. Stops me feeling such a twit in front of them.
If they understand, even a bit then it makes all the difference.
Honeybun
X
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Thanks for your kind words Honeybun about letting go and Rhubarb yes we should definitely start a support group! I agree that it's a good thing to let your children know that you are going through meno and I've told mine. I still feel daft though when I get over emotional and knowing that I am probably going to get over emotional and then trying to stop it is awful, I wish there was a pill that I could take that would stop that big lump in my throat and stop the tears.
So Rebecca if you hear any good tips please let me know! x
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If Nature hadn't intended us to cry, she wouldn't have given us feelings ;)
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Yes thank you honeybun, you explained that so well about the gaping hole and needing to adjust when our kids leave home :)
Had a crying spell today, didn't get much done around the house, but like I always say, "tomorrow is another day" ::)
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All my three have flown the nest....and one lives in New Zealand......there is a saying we give our children routes of where they came from.....and wings so they can fly.😊