Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Greenfields on April 17, 2015, 03:09:29 PM
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Up until a few weeks ago I was a competent 51 year old with plans to move back to Canada and take up a Masters course in September. In the space of a few weeks, everything has unravelled and I'm really struggling as I have no family support and just one friend locally who has stepped in and helped.
I returned to the UK from Canada last year (having spent 12 years in Canada) as I had trouble getting work where I was living in Ontario and I didn't want to move to a colder province. I picked up work quite quickly in the UK but had a very stressful job in mental health as a support worker and worked for a manager who had a history of staff grievances against him - so it was a difficult work environment. In addition I wasn't particularly well paid (18K) and while I initially rented a room (in Hampshire) the landlord became increasingly difficult to deal with (announcing that the heating wasn't going on until December and removing the thermostat was the final straw). So in September I moved to a flat but quickly realised that my income was barely covering my expenses and encountered problems with the landlords that I rent from - I have some spousal support from an ex which will probably end in March 2016 which helps and also some savings which are my pension savings (not very much but enough to see me through for a little while).
I left the stressful job at the end of November and decided to apply for a Masters course in Ontario as this would help me get a job in Ontario. In December I got ill with a viral infection and was ill all the way through to the end of January. I stopped swimming during this time as I also had a sinus infection - swimming was a great stress reliever for me. Despite all this I got my Masters application submitted at the end of December and spent part of January sorting through my stuff to prepare for a move.
In February I took 3 weeks out and went on a meditation retreat. During that time I noticed that the hot flushes and night sweats I had been experiencing increased in intensity. I had been seeing an acupuncturist for help with this but the 3 weeks I was away at the meditation retreat, I woke up each night soaked in sweat.
At the end of February I found out I had got a place on the Masters course and prepared to sort out moving back to Canada. I went out to Canada in March for a week with the intention of sorting out an apartment prior to moving. While I was there, my anxiety seemed to go off the wall but I put it down to the stress I had been under. I also noticed that my body was increasingly struggling to regulate temperature day and night. I seemed unable to make decisions and was unable to commit to sorting out an apartment (as I had intended).
During this week, I saw my Canadian acupuncturist twice and she also gave me some chinese herbal medication which I took until I started the HRT. I had previously taken this medication last year (prior to moving back to the UK) and it seemed to help. But this time it didn't seem to have the same effects.
I came back to the UK feeling very mixed up. I don't travel well either which probably didn't help. Anyway, fast forward to March 19 and I had an acupuncture appointment, decided that I needed to sort out the move and put all the things in place (contacted the movers, gave notice on my flat etc). Two days later I woke up in a state of terror and pulled all the plans I had to move. I now realise what I experienced was a panic attack but I did not realise that at the time.
The week that followed was hell - I went into a deep state of shock at what I had done. As well, I had to pay the landlord 6 months rent up front in order to stay in my flat - otherwise I would have been homeless (they didn't react well to me rescinding my notice). I also wrote to the college I was doing the Masters course at and withdrew from the course (which breaks my heart now even though I recognise that at the time I made this decision I wasn't mentally well).
In that week I had trouble getting out of bed and lost 13lb in body weight as I also had trouble eating.
I managed to see the acupuncturist that week and she mentioned HRT as the acupuncture didn't seem to be working. I then crawled to the library and did some research on the internet. At which point I realised that my anxiety and mental symptoms were probably hormonally related and that the severe stress I had experienced this past year had probably made the whole thing worse.
I took myself off to the doctor and asked for HRT. She prescribed Nuvelle Continuous. On the second day I felt like my old 'normal' self - all the anxiety had gone and I felt very competent - I felt ready to get on a plane and sort things out - in fact I was in shock at what had happened. I also had the first good night's sleep in about a year which made me realise how sleep deprived I must also have got from the hormonal symptoms.
On subsequent days I was very up and down and didn't feel well - I found that if I had a good day I would try and do things like emails and then the next day I would feel unwell, shaky and often my sleep patterns would become disturbed again. And that the sleep wasn't as good quality. I also had itchy legs which I went back and saw another doctor about - she said it was in my mind. But then I looked it up on the Internet and discovered that this could be a side effect of HRT. It's since gone (thank goodness).
About 9 days in I had a couple of rough days where I couldn't get out of bed till mid-day so I took myself off to the doctors when I could and she prescribed Sertraline 50mg. I took it for 2 days and was so so sick - I had trouble peeing, constant nausea, the sensation of my body being bathed in acid, roaring night sweats, inability to open my bowels, insomnia, constant burping and the sense of a really upset stomach. I've never taken very much medication and a doctor in Canada said to me once that I'm quite sensitive to medication so I'm guessing that that explains some of the severity of the side effects I experienced with Sertraline?
I stopped taking the Sertraline and spent a couple more days feeling very ill before it seemed to leave my system.
I continued to experience nausea, found this forum and discovered that HRT can make one feel that way. At that time I was taking it without food in the mornings (first thing). I spoke to a pharmacist in Boots and changed to taking it at night with my main meal. The first time I did this (2 days ago) I had constant nausea the next day but since then the nausea had stopped.
Throughout all this experience, my bowels were also a complete mess - what I seemed to be passing resembled sludge that stuck to the toilet pan.
I also saw a dentist (to check if I had any mouth infection that could be impacting my health) - he said there was nothing wrong with my teeth but commented on my 'mucky' tongue which indicated that the body was not in good health.
The one friend I have took me to a different acupuncturist and I had a treatment this week (Wednesday). Since then, I've felt physically a lot better - today I have energy, focus and no nausea. In fact I would say that I feel the best I've felt physically since this whole thing flared up.
But psychologically the reality of everything that has happened has really hit me. When I realised that the anxiety might be hormonally related I wrote to the college asking if they could put me back on the wait list for the Masters course as my place had been given to another student. They wrote back saying that they were glad I was getting the medical treatment I needed but that I would need to reapply for the course next year and could not be put on the wait list. I was devastated. This is a highly competitive course (25 places) and I got one of them - it's in social work and I graduated from that college with a distinction so I'm a good student. As well, it's one of the few (only?) places in Canada which accepts my UK statistics course so if I can't get back on it next year, I also need to consider taking another statistics course in Canada in order to be considered for other Masters courses - and I suck at maths and statistics.
So here I am, no family support, no friends apart from the one that's stepped in to help a little bit, living in an expensive flat, with no job and no Masters course and having paid up rent until September - and I'm not sure I would be able to get my money back from the landlord if I move sooner. I have savings and some spousal support but that's not going to cover me forever - my plan was to do the Masters in Canada and then get a well paid job in order to be able to save money for a pension.
As well, I had a previous career as a librarian but that came to an end in Canada when I went down with repetitive strain injury as a result of working at an unergonomic desk/keyboard and being asked to do full-time workload in part-time hours. While I can use the computer more now, I can't do intensive data entry jobs as all my repetitive strain symptoms come back. The one thing I have found that helped in the past was weight lifting exercises with a personal trainer - but I let these slide when I started to prepare to move back to the UK originally as I got so busy.
If anyone else had written all this out, I would never have believed what had happened to them. And I'm still in deep shock at how things have unravelled so much in the space of a month.
Prior to moving to the UK I had had a couple of stressful years in Canada - including separating from my ex, having skin cancer removed from my face, having a sinus infection that took months to recover from, having a severe allergic reaction to an antibiotic and graduating from my social work degree and then struggling to find work in that field. So I'm guessing these also contributed to my stress levels. But I'm also a qualified yoga teacher and while I didn't do a lot of yoga practice this last year, I did have a regular meditation practice.
I'll finish here and thank you for reading this if you've got this far. I would really appreciate any support people could offer - has anyone else had their life fall apart in the space of a few weeks as a result of menopausal symptoms?
I could really do with some encouraging words to help me start rebuilding my life. I'm due to see a psychotherapist next week (I saw her the first day I took HRT but was completely off my head when I was talking to her - just very very stressed) - and I'm hoping that will help. But of course, it's more expense. However, I don't think I can get my life back together again without talking to someone.
I've also since changed doctor's practices and have an appointment to see a doctor my friend recommended on 27th April. I'm wondering whether there is anything I should specifically ask her about my HRT treatment? If I continue to get better, will the Nuvelle Continuous continue to work? Or does it's effects change in the future?
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Hi Greenfields and welcome to MM. While I can't identify with all you've been through, there are definitely things that I can. Hot flushes, anxiety, bowelly things, inability to make decisions (see my latest thread in "This 'n That"!) etc. - aren't they wonderful? My symptoms (which also took hold at 51) were the underlying cause of my having to leave my previous job, although by then I hated it and am infinitely happier doing what I do now. I'm sure you will find that folk on here can identify in one way or another with what you've been through. Certainly, we can all offer you support. I do hope things work out for you with your Masters. I'm also studying for a higher-level qualification (in a musical subject) just now and I think there are quite a few others here doing similar things. Fingers tightly crossed for you. I think a lot of ladies here have also found that having some lavender oil to hand can be really comforting; and I've always got Kalms tablets at my bedside, at nights.
All the best. :foryou:
Dulciana
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:welcomemm: your friend should have pointed you in the direction of Citizens Advice Beuruae as Landlords are simply not allowed to act in this way :bang: :bang: :bang: so go along and have a chat about what you are entitled to. Also find a good Letting Agent in your area and discuss what has happened and find out about your 'rights' as a rent payer.
Could you do the Course or similar via gaining credits via 'Open University', here in the UK based in Milton Keynes?
Once you browse round here you will see what ladies go through during this time of Life, not called 'the change' for nowt >:( and you will find lots of support :tulips:. There are lots of medications out there but it can be Trial and Error finding something that doesn't upset the system, I remember that after 3 days on Prozac I knew I wouldn't be able to move if I took another tablet ::) - eventually my GP found something which worked well.
How are your bowels now? the 'sludge' causes concern, did you tell your GP? It could be the result of Chinese herbal remedies but could it be because of iron - lack of or too much?
You're not alone now. You have a lot going on in your Life so no wonder you feel overwhelmed!
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Hello and welcome Greenfields :)
What an incredibly stressful time you have had. It is no wonder that your body and mind have simply had enough.
To answer your question, yes my hormones caused my world to crumble over the space of just a couple of weeks back in November 2013. Like you, I had endured a very stressful couple of years. Extreme money worries. An ill parent. A husband who became withdrawn and depressed (due to money worries). Starting a challenging new job.
The danger signs were already there. I suffered a panic attack the second day of my new job and had insmonia that night, but I just shrugged it off and soon got to grips with my new role. Then my husband took me away for a weekend but I couldn't enjoy it as I felt uncharacteristically flat. So I feel my body was already teetering on the brink, but then peri menopause symptoms kicked in and they tipped me over the edge.
Within days I was experiencing waves of extreme anxiety. It was terrifying. I had to cancel social plans and force myself into work. I secretly cried in the bathroom after my children had gone to bed. I woke my husband in the night telling him that I wanted to find all the pills we had in the house and swallow them all, just to make the fear/anxiety stop. I thought I was going mad.
I went to see my GP who just diagnosed anxiety/depression and, like you, prescribed me Sertraline. I took it for exactly 26 days. It was horrendous. My anxiety tripled. I had a panic attack. The very night I first took Sertraline I didn't sleep a wink. I felt shaky, weak, with constant diarrhoea and totally lost my appetite. I had to take days off work and couldn't even bring myself to speak to my own children. I insisted we didn't attend a friend's wedding and insisted we cancel another weekend away, because I couldn't cope with doing ANYTHING.
Does any of that sound familiar?
I went back to my GP in desperation after 26 days of sheer Hell. She admitted that Sertraline 'can' increase anxiety in 'some' patients. I was obviously one of them. She swapped me to Amitriptyline. An older AD. It worked, in so far that it took away the anxiety and panic, but left me feeling very dreamy every day with a 'who cares?' attitude to everything. Restful, but I wasn't 'me' if that makes sense?
I stopped taking the Amitriptyline last September. I felt okay for a couple of months, but then at Xmas all the anxiety/depression/insomnia came back with a vengence. It was a very dark time. Yet I would still get the occasional day, or even 3-4 days where I would feel 100% fine and normal again, and I wouldn't recognise the person I had previously been. Sound familiar?
I finally saw a consultant who diagnosed hormonal related anxiety/low mood. I was 'a classic case' apparently. But (for several reasons) it's taken a further few months for me to actually start HRT. In that time I had a whole month where I was symptom free, followed by nearly 3 weeks of anxiety Hell again. I had daily diarhhoea (a classic symptom of fluctuating hormones according to my consultant), random insomnia. The only think I haven't had is hot flushes. Not a one.
I am on Day 9 of HRT. Still very up and down. Tuesday I felt great. Yesterday I felt dreadful. Today I feel upbeat and positive.
So, please be assured that you are perfectly NORMAL, as far as struggling with hormones goes. Don't feel alone. Lots of very similar stories to mine and yours on here. Lots of support too, and useful advice. Please keep posting, we are all here to help xxxx
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Hi Greenfields,
Yes my life has been turned upside down too, not quite so dramatically but it was sudden.
You have had so much going on maybe you need to reassess and jot down what it is you want now and steps to get there.
You sound like an organised proactive person, I'm certain you can get your life back together again.
Why not list your questions for your GP and take them with you. It's easy to forget what you need to ask once you're there.
Hope you're feeling energised and well soon
Hugs
JG xxx
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Hi and welcome :-)
I am a newbie here with very little knowledge and experience so can't help you
But Wow you have focus in life, moving the way you do, travelling etc, and all by yourself
It's confirms I'm a home bird wuss
I wish you all the luck, you deserve it and I hope you find a gp who can sort your hormones out so that you can continue with your adventure
Lots of hugs
Xx
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Oh Greenfields I can so identify with your story. When this first happened to me about four years ago I had no idea what was going wrong with me so quickly, and spent ages googling myself into a right frenzy. I went from a really confident woman to a gibbering wreck, barely functioning due to insomnia, extreme tiredness and crippling joint pains, I never knew that nights could be so long! Like you, I was on my own as my husband died from cancer when I was 49 and I don't have any children. I had a new partner but he lived 130 miles away, one night I was so terrified I phoned him and he drove for a couple of hours through the night and arrived with me at about 3 am. When he asked me what was wrong I could only say 'I'm frightened'. I struggled in to work for months but spent the weekends on the sofa crying that I 'wanted my life back'. I think the only thing that stopped me from doing anything stupid was the thought that my poor brother would be left to sort everything out. There were times though when I really didn't want to carry on.
At that time my GP prescribed amitriptyline to help me sleep and once I started sleeping again I soon got back on an even keel and weaned myself off the amitriptyline. I then had two years of feeling normal again and I am sure you will too. It is just so confusing that you can turn from a confident woman to a gibbering wreck almost overnight!
I now have an almost constant UTI but that is another story :'(
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Hi Judith
Yes, I completely identify with that feeling of 'fear'. What I have been calling 'anxiety' isn't really, I don't think? I am not anxious that something will actually happen to me or my family, or that my car might crash etc.
What I really feel is actually just an overwhelming sense of irrational 'fear'. Even sitting in my bed, drinking a cup of tea, perfectly safe and sound, I can feel genuine 'fear'. And the fear doesn't focus on one particular thing. It is just completely generalised.
I have woken my husband up several times in the middle of the night, to tell him that 'I feel so frightened'. When there is absolutely NOTHING to feel frightened off.
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Oh I remember that deep, prehensile, feeling of fear on waking - I would wake in the early hours and immediately have to get out of bed and dressed, go downstairs - trouble is DH would follow which added to the guilt. I needed him to stay asleep ::). I would say "I'm frightened, I'm frightened" but he still had to go to work each morning. I would sit. Still. Staring at the walls :'( until he came home with my medication at lunch time.
I can't remember how long it lasted nor how it stopped but I never want to feel that fear again.
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Yes, this is the fear, deep chilling fear that I am feeling every morning at the moment. It's terrifying. My husband says he can see it in my face. My Mum can hear it on the phone. It's so wearing. I clench my teeth, my tummy, have to take deep deep intakes of breath like I've had a shock. I hate it and wish it would go.
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Have a huge hug, I remember that so well. :'( :-\
It must be a warning of something but I never worked out what exactly. Goes back to our Cave Days probably, damn it …… :diablo: ………
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I'd love a cave right now ;D x
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So horrible. I used to spend the night pacing around my flat, my jaws constantly ached from clenching my teeth. I still have TMJ in my left side now. I kept saying 'I'm frightend' but I couldn't tell anyone what I was frightened of as I didn't know. I told someone at the time that I felt like a murder scene - I was just the chalk outline of where I used to be :-\
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I wish my Anxiety meds helped Judith57, am on Sertraline but not sure if its helping. GP gave a higher dose 100mg last week but after taking 2 i felt worse, tearful and more anxious so went back to 50mg. Haven't taken it yet today and don't know whether to. Maybe I should try something else?
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I found that amitriptyline helped me as once I could sleep at night again I felt much better, it is one of the older style anti-depressants. You could always try it and see how you get on...
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Hmm think GypsyRoseLee mentioned that too. Do you think I could do a straight swap with the Sertraline? I haven't taken todays dose yet and feel loathe to. It doesn't seem to be helping and the reaction i had switching to higher dose makes me wonder if its not right for me.
Shaking inside with this horrible fear >:( really need to get to the shops for food and school shoes.
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Hi Greenfields,
sorry realised I hijacked your post a little ::)
How are you doing? Any decisions made?
JG xx
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Oh jedigirl, what you describe sounds so familiar (hugs).
It isn't actually anxiety. For me it is outright fear mixed with dread. My Mum and husband can tell because my face goes 'tight' and my eyes look 'flat' apparently.
When our daughter was a baby she was very poorly for a few weeks. It was suspected cancer. I felt outright fear mixed with dread, until the tests came back negative.
Well, the fear and dread I experience now feels exactly the same. Except there is NOTHING to cause it. It comes out of nowhere and is caused by nothing. I can feel it at home in bed. In the staff room at work. Driving the car on a sunny day.
I explain it to my husband, as feeling like someone has taken my cable and plug marked 'happy & relaxed' and unplugged it, and plugged it into a socket marked 'frightened & hopeless'.
And everything I do which I normally enjoy such as pottering in the kitchen or garden, or meeting a friend for a coffee, or watching a film with my family seems very frightening. Totally irrational and upside down.
I wonder if somehow, our hormones disrupt our internal flight/fight response and confuse it? So, we are swamped with the 'flight response' which is basically fear. And our hormones keep flicking its switch on when there's absolutely no need.
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jedigirl, yes it was me who mentioned amitriptyline. It isn't prescribed very much as an AD nowadays as it's an older generation to the SSRIs like sertraline and Prozac. But it is still often prescribed for sleeping issues and nerve pain.
It is EXCELLENT at helping you sleep. Though it does make you feel a bit groggy when you wake up. But I found that once I was up and had my first cup of coffee I was absolutely fine.
It is also very, very good at very gently sedating you for want of a better term. I was still perfectly capable of driving, cooking, doing my job well etc but I was aware that I felt slightly more 'dreamy' than usual and simply didn't get as worked up about things which would normally stress me (our children being messy, people at work not pulling their weight etc).
Amitriptyline gave me a feeling of 'Who cares, what does it matter really' which was actually very liberating. Though I did put on weight because it stopped me caring about my clothes feeling tight ;)
But overall it was highly effective in calming me down, eradicating the fear/anxiety, and curing the insomnia. It also had the added benefit of not stopping me having an orgasm (sorry if that's TMI) which sertraline and Prozac did. It also made me feel that I was still in touch with my emotions, whereas the SSRIs I had taken made me feel very wooden and numbed.
My GP spoke very highly of amitriptyline. He considered it a very safe and gentle AD to take. For anxiety/insomnia it is prescribed in much smaller dosages than for full blown depression. I was fine on just 50mg a day (for depression people used to take 75-200mg a day).
It is really worth giving it a go. You can swap straight to it from sertraline, I did last year. It took about 6 weeks to fully work for me.
Many years ago when I had PND, I was given amitriptyline because I was breast feeding (it is known to be very safe) and it actually worked very, very well. It gave me that safe, slightly dreamy feeling and helped me get back to sleep immediately after the night feeds. But when I stopped BF my GP swapped me to sertraline. I didn't like that nearly as much. I felt on edge all the time and would fall to pieces if my 'routines' got disrupted. I would also have 'rages' too about silly things.
I actually think being on sertraline stalled my recovery from PND, and put it back by a year. Eventually I had had enough and asked to change to Prozac (GP wouldn't let me back on amitriptyline as 'too old fashioned') and that wasn't much better. So I just stopped taking it because I thought I might as well feel anxious and rough OFF anti depressants, because they're not helping. I was actually fine after I came off them. 100% recovered.
And, when I tried sertraline again last year it completely sent my anxiety off the wall. Full blown panic attacks. Nausea. Zero appetite. Shaking. Diarrhoea. Pacing the house in the middle of the night crying. I only stood it for 26 days before begging my (new) GP for amitriptyline.
Sorry for the essay ::)
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Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for posting here - it really helps to read other people's accounts of what happened to them because I can't believe what has happened to me over the space of 3-4 weeks. I was due to move back to Canada this coming week and, although I have been feeling physically better the last day or so, a big part of me is like "what the hell happened?" Psychologically I am in a state of shock as to what has occurred - complete disbelief. I was well enough yesterday to start looking at jobs on the internet and kept thinking - I've wrecked my life - I'd planned to do the MSW in Canada and become a clinical counsellor working with people with trauma, using yoga and meditation as well as my clinical skills (in Canada social work is very different and I was really looking forward to returning there and doing that work once I got my MSW). I'm not keen on working as a social worker in England as it's practiced differently here - plus I'm going to have a devil of a job getting a social work job here because I haven't trained in the English system, have not had UK statutory placements, am not familiar with much of the UK legislation and the system here is very very stressful - so the burnout rate is very high.
As well, the problem with the UK is that the housing costs are so high and the rentals are so insecure - so as much as I love being around English people and the English countryside, I really can't see financially how to make it work. So all that has happened has really thrown a spanner in the works.
Someone mentioned about the CAB and landlords with respect to my rent - I haven't been well enough to sort this out but, when I do get stronger and plan to move on, I am going to seek support in getting any money I am owed back. Unfortunately where I live is a very small expensive town in Hampshire and there is a complete shortage of rental accommodation - so at the time all this occurred, all I could think was, I can't be homeless - I was terrified of that, so I offered the landlord 6 months rent up front and it was then insisted on in order for me to stay where I am. I didn't know at the time I wasn't mentally well - I didn't recognise the panic attack for what it was because I had never experienced a panic attack like it - I was completely caught up in terror.
When I think back to the whole thing now, what I feel is that while I offered the money up front, the landlord didn't have to take it! The letting agent told me that they (the landlords, a husband and wife) are pensioners and need the security of the income >:( .... just to say that these landlords have a property portfolio of at least 5 or 6 properties in the area. I have always paid my rent and bills on time (automatically by DD) and they have a 975 pounds deposit - and the rent I pay them is 650 pounds a month ...
I think my menopausal symptoms (particularly the mental ones) were made worse by the extreme stress I was put under in my last job - I'm thinking that extreme stress and massive hormonal imbalances can cause people to do strange things? That's the only explanation I can come up with to rationalise what has happened to me so far. I am really looking forward to seeing the psychotherapist this coming week - maybe she will be able to shed some light on it.
I think I'm on Day 17 or 18 of the HRT now. I've started having bleeding - sort of rust coloured - like a period. I've also picked up the booklet that came with the Nuvelle Continuous and reread the side effects and I think I've had quite a few of them (although none of the serious one's yet - thank God!). The digestive issues I've been having are also, I am realising, possibly side effects. I had issues not only with my bowels (which have again reverted to producing sludge) but also with a feeling of food sitting in my stomach and not moving (after having eaten a meal) - very uncomfortable. The Nuvelle book says bloating is a side effect - so maybe that's what I have been experiencing?
I think the acupuncture is helping but it's difficult to say how much is that and how much is more of the HRT.
I am in awe of the people who have taken Sertraline! I seriously thought I had poisoned myself. I was hesitant to take it to begin with but the doctor I saw said confidently "I've never had a patient that it's not worked for!" - little did I know what I was letting myself in for! I'm so glad I stopped taking it after 2 doses.
The worse thing is that I was cognitively aware of everything that was happening to me when I went through all this. And having worked in mental health, I knew the things I needed to do to take care of myself - and I attempted to do them each day as best I could (wash, dress, eat, exercise, connect with others). I wasn't psychotic. I wasn't suicidal. But I knew that something wasn't right with me.
When I asked the doctor for help and said I needed to be checked up on by a community mental health team or someone because I was living on my own she said I wasn't ill enough and gave me the number of the Samaritans. Honestly, words fail me. It's not that I don't recognise that the health service is overstretched but I feel so fortunate that I do have, at the moment, the financial resources and the wherewithal to seek help from people like acupuncturists and psychotherapists. Having said that, I saw first hand what health services were available when I supported clients with serious mental health issues - and let's just say they fall way short of what should be available.
I was also so so lucky that the one friend I had (who I didn't know that well before all this happened) came forward and helped to remind me that I would get better, that I was whole and that I wasn't going mad and I didn't have any underlying organic mental illness - that what she thought I was experiencing was as a result of extreme hormonal imbalance, stress, anxiety and some trauma and PTSD from my last job. If I hadn't had her support, I think I would have ended up in hospital because I just couldn't have got through it completely by myself.
In my last email, I asked about questions for the doctor's appointment. I guess what I'm wondering is whether there are any specific things I should ask her to test? My last doctor (the one who tried Sertraline on me) did tests for thyroid, diabetes and my kidneys. Everything came back normal. I've since read about hormone tests that tell you what stage your at with the menopause (FSH tests?) - I am wondering whether to ask for any more tests?
I have also, I think, decided to give myself 3 months (till at least the end of June) to see how things go with the medications and getting better. My short term plan, I think, if I continue to have more good days than bad, is to see if I can pick up a couple of days of care work shifts which will at least reduce the amount my savings go down by. There is a lot of care work in this area (going around to people's homes) and I have a car so providing I can take care with my back and am physically robust enough, I will look into doing this in a few weeks ... assuming that my symptoms don't get worse again.
Does anyone know a good source of information on the menopause and mental health? I keep reading these innocuous descriptions of what women will go through at menopause but nothing as extreme as what I have gone through. One of the nice things about this board is that I am, for the first time, reading things that are extreme - which helps to see because if this hadn't happened to me, I would never have believed that it could happen to people - it just seems so far fetched!
I guess one should never try and change countries while menopausal!
I am also incredibly grateful for the Buddhist practice of Loving Kindness (metta) meditation which kept me going through my darkest days. If you have not tried it, I strongly encourage people to - it has really helped me mentally. As well, I have CDs of Pema Chodron's teachings and I played those over and over - her teachings on coping with fear have helped me so much and she has a very soothing voice.
Sorry this is another long post ...
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Greenfields
Sounds like you have a plan now, that's great!
Re tests, my GP has just ordered some for me and asked for liver, thyroid, calcium, iron, FSH and oestrogen level.
I think that the FSH and oestrogen levels are notoriously unreliable though as they only give a snapshot of how those levels are that day. Might be worth asking though.
GypsyRoseLee
Thanks , might just ask about that next time I'm at GPs xxx
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Gypsy Rose, I am back on amitriptyline now but only a small dose 20mg. I found the same as you it took away the fear and even when I woke in the night, instead of pacing around full of fear, I just stayed put and it acted like a comfort blanket, keeping me just sedated enough not to care. I would be very reluctant to go on any other AD now.
xxx
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Yes, 'comforting' is a very good word to describe amitriptyline Judith :)
When I had PND I started off on 25mg of it, then upped it to 50mg. Last year I started on 50mg again, tried dropping it to 25mg which was too low, so increased to 40mg which was fine for me.
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I didn't take my sertraline today and actually feel more clear headed. Maybr its coincidence but haven't missed it all :)
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Jedigirl do be careful doing that. I was on sertraline a long time and chose to come off slowly over 9 months but the last 25mg I just dropped on the advice of a pharmacist. I had a total breakdown and after 6 months I had to go back on it. Never ever just stop.
I had been fine on it at 75mg for 4 years until a traumatic time, an allergic reaction to a massive vitamin D dose and meno symptoms kicking in.
I am still taking 75mg I don't think I will ever dare stop it again.
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Will do Sarai,
I havent been on it so long. I will be careful thanks x
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Sarai,
how did you come off it? My tablets are 50mg and film coated so am presuming I cant halve them?
Could i take them every other day for a while do you think?
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With regards anxiety - the fight/flight response goes back to the Cave days when we had to flee from the Sabre toothed tiger or chase the mammoth for grub. Basic instincts and survival which have never left us. For those coping with The Tube etc. daily, they are using those skills as we had to in the Cave days but when Life takes over ………. when I think how busy I was in my 20s/30s even with back ground anxiety, to where I am now. No way could I even consider an interview for a Job.
So we do have similar experiences which induce the fight/flight response but for me, having panic attacks at home where once I felt safe, bu..ered up Life completely :'( - so travelling away is harder, I no longer visit friends, we avoid family (easy to do) and tend to stick to a routine otherwise I'm floored again ::)
There was a time when anxiety was so bad that I couldn't go into the garden if the neighbours were there in case they wanted to talk over the fence, I couldn't answer the 'phone, go to the door or walk the dog :'(.
Will read the threads above tomorrow …….
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At present I have 50mg tablets and to get the 75mg I snap one I half. They have a coating but a groove so are easy to snap.
When I went back on them 4 years ago they did make my anxiety much worse but it is known that if this happens it means they will ultimately work. It took about 2 months to come back to the old me and fix the anxiety.
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I took one this morning as feel I have too much going on to face coming off them at the moment. Felt fine yesterday without them, or at least no different.
Maybe I'll start taking half a tablet when things ease up at home.
Thanks all x
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Just wanted to add an update. I saw the psychotherapist for the second time today. I think she is just as puzzled as I am as to what has happened to me ... not sure whether it's hormonal or whether there are other things I need to sort out with my mental health. I'm scared.
I am also really struggling to come to terms with things. And I don't know when to start applying for work. Some times I feel fine (usually later on in the day) but most mornings I've been waking up shakey of late and worrying so much about my finances and future.
Has anyone been on there own and had to start over?
Or stopped working for a while and then had to take steps to restart and find a new employer?
I feel at such a loss as to how long to not work - I don't like the isolation associated with not working (although I do my best to get out of my flat and go to the library) but I'm worried that if I try to apply for work and I'm not up to it, that I will make myself worse.
However the longer I don't work, the harder it's going to be to get back into it.
Having 3 degrees doesn't help either - I feel like if I apply for a very basic job that people won't take me seriously. But I really don't feel up to applying for more demanding work (even if I was considered for it) because I'm not sure how well I would handle the stress.
As well, the money earned on a basic job isn't going to cover my expenses (although it will reduce the amount my savings go down in the short term).
Everything feels such a mess at the moment and I feel very overwhelmed.
I'm seeing the doctor next week and have started listing details of the side effects I've been experiencing with the HRT (still bleeding black brown blood and experiencing menstrual cramps) - the worst thing is seeing how much my mental state has been up and down.
If anyone has some words of wisdom, please post. I feel so lost at the moment.
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Also, I'm thinking of asking my doctor for a referral to a specialist menopausal clinic - has anyone done this? And does it help? And how long do you have to wait to see someone? (I live in Hampshire).
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Have a :bighug:
Many ladies have stopped work because of menopause. However, if you do stop you might try volunteering which can lead to salaried posts. You can choose the hours to work and it means you aren't isolated. You can talk/not with the others there and let them know as much as you want to.
I can understand the fear. There may be details of menopause clinics 'on here' in the menus: top of screen. You can send a PM to Dr Curry who runs this Forum, again details are in the menus, there is a charge but some ladies here have found it useful.
Does it matter what is causing the problem? The psychology suggestions and support should be the same, going on symptoms rather than the causes. I know when I went intermittently in the 1990s due to phobia I was able to discuss and support suggestions were recommended and tried.
Personally, my anxiety kicks in from any time after 5.30 a.m. and gradually improves as the day goes on: because I have faced/not the challenges and by the evening, I really am a 'different' person. I learnt long ago not to say 'yes' to anything in the evening because by morning, my gut will have changed my mind for me :'(. I also find that if I am asked to do anything I take my time in deciding and always insist that there is a backup in place.
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You may find that a low-dose antidepressant or a stress reliever might help for 6-8 months. It will give your brain some breathing space and may well ease those symptoms. My anxiety can floor me until I am a curled up wreck on the settee.
The other thing to consider is your diet. I try to eat every 2-3 hours to stop that awful empty lurch which can floor me and is also known to cause anxiety surges. Some ladies find brisk walking helpful.
If you are applying for a basic job or one outside your Degree level, then don't put them on the CV. Use the CV and interview process for the job itself, not what you have done in the past.
Keep posting!
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CLKD - thanks for the hug - I really need it at the moment.
The strange thing is that, as I write this, I feel so so competent - and yet if you have seen me this morning when I got up - there was no comparison!
I have been looking online at the symptoms of nervous breakdown and I'm wondering now whether the severe stress I was under in combination with the menopausal symptoms has contributed to the variety of mental states that I've been experiencing. I know the psychotherapist I saw today is just as puzzled as I am over how things are.
I think, if I can, I will try and do some volunteer work soon - I need to do something.
You say:
If you are applying for a basic job or one outside your Degree level, then don't put them on the CV. Use the CV and interview process for the job itself, not what you have done in the past.
- Just curious, what do you mean by this? Do you mean I should leave my qualifications off my CV? I'm just wondering how to account for the time spent studying? One of the things I have noticed is that UK employers tend to be a) big on application forms and b) want all time accounted for. So I'm not sure how to get around this.
I've had a lot of jobs - I was doing contracts in the 80's before they became so prevalent - so when I have to fill in application forms it's a nightmare - my job listing tends to run to 7 pages! That said, when I completed 2 application forms last year, I got 2 interview offers - unfortunately for me, I picked the first job that was offered to me and never went to the second interview - I very much regret that now given how my last job developed.
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Also re: low dose antidepressant - what kinds generally work for people?
I took 50mg of Sertraline for 2 days a week or so back - I have never been so so ill in my life. I stopped taking it because I couldn't cope with the side effects.
I'm very sensitive to medications and so, while I'm open to trying another one, I really don't want to have the same experience as I had with the Sertraline - that was absolutely hideous.
I know some people on the board have suggested anatriptyline (probably not spelt that right?) can work.
A friend told me that Citlopram doesn't have as many side effects as Sertraline.
At the moment, I meditate daily, walk daily, connect with people daily and eat a really healthy diet. I also do relaxation exercises and restorative yoga. I'm also seeing a different acupuncturist (and the first session I had with them last week really helped) and a psychotherapist. I'm due to see my doctor next week. Oh and I have an ITalk appointment booked for the end of April too (how that will go I have no idea but I arranged it when I was really ill and it's free - but it's telephone counselling).
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Hi
It's very common for anxiety to be at its worst in the early morning and for your mood to then improve by evening. It happened to me most days.
I was one of the people who mentioned Amitriptyline. I took it for 6 months last year. It might be just the thing to give your mind a bit of a holiday from this treadmill of anxiety and worry. It will improve your sleep and stop the early waking and anxiety surges. It made me feel chilled out but still alert enough to do my job etc.
I think it sounds like you have been very unlucky in your timing. A highly stressful year coupled with your hormones starting to mess about. Result = Meltdown.
It's no surprise considering what you have been through. It would floor most people.
You need to be gentle to yourself. Just like you I reacted horribly to Sertraline. Amitriptyline suited me far better because it is known for its gently sedating effect which was exactly what I needed for a few months. Just to rest my mind. Once it had rested for a few months I felt ready to come off it and seek some answers and treatment to cure my symptoms, not just mask them.
I don't think you get that effect with the newer anti depressants.
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I had a breakdown but the medical profession won't classify a breakdown unless the person is in a mental health unit ::) - however, there wasn't room for me and I couldn't afford to go privately >:( - DH was told by the Private Unit for me to take more Valium: I did, still here ::)
Mornings are worse for me, anything from 5.30 a.m. ………..
What sort of job would you like right now? Connected to your Degree Courses or not? At my age, if I was applying for a job it would be within my capabilities (which aint' a lot right now) so I would put down what the Company appeared to 'looking' for - adding that any "out time" can be discussed at Interview ;). I actually can't remember all the years I worked and when or for whom ::).
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My depression began in the 1980s. It is cyclic: I get depressed, take medication, improve, stop; then the downward spiral begins. It happens over a 22 month period so the Psychiatrist who attended me at home one evening suggested a low-dose continual treatment. I now take 5mg night and morning. 'escitalopram'. I have had several since 1991, most have kept me going for years at a time, fortunately. I now recognise when my mood is lower than I am comfortable with and then I up the morning dose to 10mg for 5-6 days. Any longer then I visit my GP.
Prozac however sent me loopier than I was already :-X - remember Elton John in those high shoes in 'tommy'? well I felt like I had 7" heels on my wellies and knew one morning that if I climbed over 'that gate' I wouldn't be able to climb back on my way home from :scottie: …….. this was a drug which my GP assured me had 'no known side effects' >:(. After 3 days I didn't dare take any more. The others however have not been perfect in that some days I feel extra tired, but hey ho! I'm out of bed each morning!
Now if I could crack that blasted anxiety :beat: ::)
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Cricky - you exercise a lot more than I even consider doing each day ::) but the garden keeps me busy at this time of year ;)
Keep sharing!
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How's the 'sludgy' bowel ? Cause for concern :-\ - I think this is something worth pursuing with the GP!
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Thank you so much for your posts.
I think the stress I may have been under in moving back to Canada in combination with the hormonal imbalance may have caused my nervous system to go 'pop' - this thought occurred to me this week after seeing the psychotherapist for the second time as she is just as puzzled as I am over what has happened to me. I'm due to see her again next week.
The worst thing is that I can feel so competent one day and then bloody awful the next. For example, yesterday I had hardly any energy, went to acupuncture, came back and spent most of the day lying prone on the floor doing relaxation exercises because I had no energy and was tired (not anxious). The acupuncturist did say that my 'energy' was like someone who has had a big shock ... which I have had as I planned to move back to Canada.
But I also looked back at the emails I sent a colleague prior to all this flaring up - and I can see how conflicted I felt about moving back to Canada - so I'm wondering now whether the stress of that caused my nervous system to short circuit.
Having said all that, the sludgy bowel continues. However in going through the records I have been keeping I've noticed that this became a really prevalent pattern since I changed the time of day I take the HRT. I was taking it on its own first thing in the morning but I kept getting nausea which made eating breakfast difficult.
So I switched to taking it with my main evening meal (as suggested by the Boots pharmacist and also suggested on this website). Since then I've had really upset bowel movements most days (one or two days this hasn't happened). This has been going on since 15th April and today I had 2 bouts of diarrhea first thing. So I think (a) it seems to be getting worse and (b) its linked to the time I'm taking the HRT. I'm seeing the new doctor on Monday and I'm going to ask her about this and ask for more tests. If I'm not absorbing food properly that might explain why I feel so physically rotten some of the time. This morning I had a bath and then had to lie down and rest because I felt so shaky. Then I got up, had breakfast, got dressed and worked on my notes for the doctor on Monday - trying to see patterns with respect to what's happening to me so that I can point them out to her. That's how I noticed the sludgy bowel change thing.
Now it's 12.36 and I'm sitting in the library, slightly hungry and feeling very competent - the whole thing is utterly bizarre.
CLKD I am so sorry to hear you had a breakdown. I too, thought that you had to be in a mental health unit to have had one but now I'm wondering whether that's what I had recently the week following the decision not to move to Canada (as result of waking up in terror one morning). The week that followed that decision, I couldn't eat much, could barely get out of bed for half the day and I lost 13lbs. I knew I was very unwell and I was in deep shock at what had happened.
I also don't know how much of the indecision I had around moving back to Canada was related to hormonal imbalances as well. I recall seeing a lovely apartment while I was over there and I went and saw it 3 times - and the third time I actually took a prepaid bank cheque with me to sort out renting it - but I found I just could not commit to it. It was weird.
With respect to jobs - I don't think I'm up to doing a high stress professional job but I am worried about my money situation because I'm living off savings and they are not going to last forever. I picked up a job application for a 5.5 hour reception post locally this week which would pay about 40 pounds a week - which would cover some of my costs and ensure my savings go down less. However, I'm still unsure (a) how to explain to someone that I'm serious about it when I've got 3 degrees and (b) whether to raise my health issues (the form actually asks for details of any current health treatment) and (c) whether I would be well enough to do one shift a week of work consistently if they would actually take me on ...
I was at a MIND support group this morning and someone suggested I should just tread water and do some voluntary work to begin with - which would also give me more UK references and the opportunity to see whether I can consistently work a shift from week to week. I know what they told me makes sense, and yet ... the money issue worries me. I even thought about doing a flyer delivery round - but another friend said (a) it would pay pennies and (b) I should give myself time to really get better.
This week would have been the week that I would have been flying out to Canada - so it's hard to fathom how my life has unravelled in such a short space of time. I feel calm, competent and puzzled and I wish I knew what the hell was mentally and physically wrong with me!