Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Dancinggirl on April 06, 2015, 10:27:36 AM
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WE often discuss anxiety as a menopause symptom but I have to say that my husband seems to suffer more than I do these days. I always thought of him as really laid back and I think that is how many others perceive him.
His mother sailed through her menopause - I once mentioned to her about my terrible flushes and she said she didn't get anything like. However, she was a very anxious person - I would even say her anxiety was crippling as it prevented her from doing many positive things and caused real issues as she got older.
I have noticed that my husband is getting more and more anxious - he sees danger or problems everywhere and it can be really frustrating e.g. if I say I want to do something he'll come up with all sorts of, often minor, reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea - they are usually worse case scenarios. I'm someone who looks into something quite carefully, asks advice and weighs up pros and cons before doing anything significant but my husband seems really reluctant be proactive in this way - he just sees the negatives.
Has anyone else found their husband is getting more anxious? DG x
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Hi Dancinggirl. Not my husband but a close male friend has also developed anxiety in the last few years - he's 58 - and his GP, though not really helpful in doing anything about it, has said that it is often linked to the lowering of testosterone levels although not every man gets this. It's much the same as the way we all differ, I guess, in our reaction to the depletion of our own hormonal levels.
Has he got any underlying stresses which are causing him to be anxious o could he be suffering from depression? I know that if I'm worried about particular things then my anxiety-caused problems tend to become worse.
Taz x :hug:
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My husband is OK at the moment but has suffered in the past, mainly due to work pressures. He used to get panic attacks so extreme he would pass out. He eventually had talking therapy with a psychiatrist. He refused tablets as both his parents spent decades on different ADs and anxiety tabs.
Personally I think this problem can affect anyone, at any time of life. The trouble is that the meno not only brings physical changes, which affect our moods, but come at a time when we have life changes as well. These also cause stress.
I actually like the term 'the change' because it so well describes what is happening in every aspect of women's lives at that time.
Also, we should remember that just getting old can account for many of the memo symptoms. Aches and pains and brain fog being just two.
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I found this http://andropause-aid.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/anxiety-in-men-male-menopause-symptoms.html Haven't read it all but it may be helpful.
Taz x
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Interesting link Taz - some of this does ring true.
My husband has always worried about trivial things and left the big issues for me to worry about e.g. financial stuff, the children's health and education etc. He just seems to be getting more and more like his mother and looking for things to blame or seeing dangers that, to me, seem illogical and often trivial. Maybe he is just getting more of the 'grumpy old man' syndrome. I do know that many of my husbands issues centre around a lack of self esteem and a fear of failure but his tendency to avoid anything even slightly risky means I have to be really assertive if there is something that needs to get done.
My mother-in-law ended up so insular and stuck in her very simple, 'safe' routines, I believe this contributed to her dementia and I worry my husband will go the same way.
I really think it's not just menopause for women that bring problems in our 50s - maybe anxiety and avoidance of risk is a preservatory instinct at this age? Possibly genetics and personality straights play a big role?
If there is a problem I like to get it sorted a.s.a.p whereas my husband just hopes it will go away or leaves it till the last minute - are quite a lot of men like that????
DG x
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My husband falls into the grumpy old man group. He also is inclined to ignore things in the hope they will go away ::), especially health related things.
I can't put that down to his age as he has always been the same.
Nothing really seems to phase him, he just gets on with things no matter how challenging they may be.
My kids have always relied on him to be the logical one where I'm the one that gets stressed.
Guess we are all different.
Hope you can get your hubby some help because as we all know anxiety can be very limiting.
Honeybun
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Mine hasn't yet shown signs of anxiety but he does suffer with bouts of depression stemming back from childhood !
At the moment he is in quite a low place mainly because he is concerned about me,which in turn has a knock on effect to me ! It becomes a vicious circle then :-\
I'm afraid I'm a bit guilty of being engrossed in myself lately. >:(
But it's so all consuming trying to get on an even keel isn't it,with the holiday coming up away from work etc I will have time to talk properly with him although men are notoriously not good at opening up are they,well mine isn't :-\
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What should be remembered is that although more women are diagnosed with depression and anxiety, the highest suicide rate is that of young men.
I just think women are more willing to talk about their problems and go and see the doctor. We are not a separate species, we just deal with it differently than men.
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No. No phobias either. I'd love to swap places.
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What first attracted me to my husband was his drive and seemingly boundless confidence and optimism. But that was over 20 years ago. These last few years I have noticed he is much more negative about life in general and much more inclined to moan given half a chance.
He has an obsession about how poor our British weather is and bitches constantly about the lack of really hot, sunny days etc. It's Britain for goodness sake, it's never going to be reliably hot and sunny! And chances are even on a sunny day he will moan that there's still a wind etc.
I have noticed that he can now usually find the one small negative in a big bunch of positives. Last year he actually won a luxury weekend away for us and very nice it was too. But he still managed to moan that it had come at the worst possible time re: his work schedule ::)
It's got to the point where if I plan a day out or book a holiday I have to instruct him not to dare moan about a single aspect of it. Usually he takes it in good part and can laugh at himself. It's like this negativity/moaning has become a comfortable bad habit for him.
In his defence he has been under enormous stresses for the last few years because he is self employed and the recession hit him very hard. But I wonder if he would have ended up like this anyway simply due to getting older?
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My husband suffered from stress when he was still at work, due to seeing too many horrendous things (he was a policeman), shift work, bullying by so called superior officers, heavy work load and the final straw, his mum becoming ill and eventually dying. He was off work for 6 months as he ignored the warning signs. (John Wayne syndrome common in policemen!). He was difficult to live with. Thank goodness he was able to retire after 30 years. He is a different man now. Life stresses, both at home and work, not looking after your needs all contribute at a time when your body needs to slow down and that's without any lowering of hormones like testosterone. Is it surprising in view of longer working lives?
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Has anyone else noticed how your husband's mood can dramatically influence your own? I 'know' my current spells of low mood/anxiety are caused by fluctuating hormones. But I do think that my husband's low moods can definitely exacerbate how badly I am feeling.
When all my peri issues started 16 months ago, I wonder if it was just coincidence that my husband was going through a particularly stressful time and was very low and withdrawn himself, and had been for a year or so. This was very uncharacteristic for him. He's always been Mr Positive. When I finally broke down and confessed to him how low and anxious I was feeling, he didn't react in his usual supportive, buoyant way. He didn't really do/say anything. This really, really frightened me and sort of tipped me over the edge.
Looking back I just don't think he had anything left to support me with, at that time (he has been much better since).
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Wouldn't say mine suffers with anxiety, but most definitely stress. I've seen this for a long time now, but it's only recently he's actually admitted to it. His BP goes up when he's stressed, but when his is chilled his BP is perfect. Mine was a policeman too JuJu, but mine was able to get out at 25 years. Many of his colleagues have since died, due to stress. When he retired, he said he'd either pop his clogs within 5 years or live to a ripe old age. He retired at 50. His current job, also causes stress & he's now considering retiring for good.
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DH retired at 51 and was able to claim his full pension. He has his own business now, which doesn't have to provide for all our needs thank goodness as that would be a new kind of stress. Many colleagues limped to the end at great cost to their health or retired as your DH did. I don't like the sound of how things are going in the police force. More and more stress on fewer and fewer. He now works with people and groups on wellbeing. I always knew he was lovely, but seemed to lose him for a while, but I've got him back now.his BP is too high, but as he is slim, exercises and eats a balanced diet, we believe it is genetic. He doesn't even indulge in chocolate often. There's a walnut whip living in the cupboard looking at me and it's not mine! How does he do that?
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My hubby retired at 57. A combination of ill health and redundancy. I watched him apply for so many jobs as he still wanted to work. He was told so many times he was over qualified but we all knew it was his age and previous salary. They thought they couldn't afford him. It was a horrible thing to see and it really affected him. He eventually had to accept his working days were over. We were not in a great place financially but things have improved greatly in recent times.
My hubby is not an anxious person. He has been tested with regards to his health but he just keeps on going. He is a quiet man....which extended family find hard to deal with. If he doesn't have anything to say then he is comfortable not to.....this is seen as being anti social. I have got over caring. If he is happy then that's fine with me.
People can be so judgemental about these things.
I just glad I've got him. He is the steady one, the unflappable one,the one that puts up with me ;D
Don't think anyone else would.
Honeybun
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That's so lovely, HB.
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"He is a quiet man....which extended family find hard to deal with. If he doesn't have anything to say then he is comfortable not to.....this is seen as being anti social. I have got over caring. If he is happy then that's fine with me.People can be so judgemental about these things"
Exactly the same as my hubby HB,, and I feel the same as you do
PN x x