Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: bugsbunny on March 23, 2015, 07:49:15 PM
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Hi ladies,
It's a long time since I've been on here but I'm struggling a little right now and I'm after some advice please. I'm nearly 55 and haven't had a period for nearly 3 years so am well into the menopause. I'm still getting hot flushes (flashes) but apart from that I'm very lucky that nothing much else is happening to me apart from my body shape change and in particular the ugly blob of fat that sits around my middle and makes me feel really pants. My back is fat too and I hate that because that was NEVER there before.
All my life I've been slightly overweight (although looking at photos of me in my 20's and 30's, I now know I had nothing to worry about) and am a Weight Watchers dieter. Each year I gain weight at Christmas and then lose it again during the 2 or 3 months that follow (weight loss is very slow for me these days). I have noticed though that last year and this year, I've not been able to get back down to the weight I was before and seem to stick at a weight that's a couple of lbs heavier than the year before.
I'm not massive and really need to be grateful for that but what I am struggling with is accepting my new size/shape. I know I have to because unless I intend to deprive myself for the rest of my life, this is how I am going to stay (unless I get bigger I guess) But how do I do it? My partner is a wonderful person but isn't very good at paying me compliments which then of course makes me feel ugly. Friends say I'm lovely just the way I am and I don't think I'm doing too bad in the scheme of things (I scrub up ok if I try hard enough ha ha) but how do I accept it long term? I'm trying really hard but I'm not quite there yet.....
I can't be alone in feeling like this and just wondered if anyone could share their experience/feelings with me?
Thank you in advance girls :)
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You got to work with what you've got.
A new look, different style clothes, a new hairstyle. Different makeup, our skin tone changes as we get older and the makeup shades we used 20 years ago just don't work.
Do things to make you feel good, doesn't have to be huge, even a new lipstick or hair colour does it for me.
I do understand, you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and think ....oh heavens who on earth is that .....but....you can make yourself look and feel good.
It's not as easy to loose weight...I have cut back hugely and the only thing that helps now is to be active. I need to loose a bit for the summer. Can't hide under wooly jumpers for much longer, consequently tonight I'm hungry ::).
Honeybun
X
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Acceptance is difficult. I was in my mid-30s before I began to believe that I can be 'me' rather than what others expect me to be. My parents tried to manipulate me into their way of thinking and it *was* easier to go along with that whilst in their house.
DH and his parents took me at face value. So did people I met after marrying and moving from the village. People who took me as they found me >phew<!
Then I got severe depression. (sorry this is long ::) ). I have a 22 month cycle of depression which is helped by medication but initially, once I recovered I stopped the medication. It took several months to realise that I had to take anti-depressants for Life: once I had accepted that this was better than being in bed all the while, that DH and I would have a Life again …….
Little steps. Go along perhaps to someone who doesn't know you, your history, your family and get an opinion. I was fascinated a few months ago, watching ladies from the Carribean, to see that they appear genetically to have a lip ready to carry their baby on their back. So some cultures do have bodily characteristics!
OK so your partner doesn't pay compliments. Do you give him any? As Britons are notoriously known for not accepting compliments easily ::) …….. which is why talking to someone outside your usual circle?
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We are what we are. I too am about a stone & a half more than I'd like to be. Lost nearly 2 stones 2 years back & have put on about 6/7 lbs since, but am managing to maintain that weight.
Everything has gone south these days, but I make the best of it. I've ditched a lot of my clothes recently which haven't seen the light of day in well over a year. Trying to do capsule wardrobe thing, although I still have a few capsules. ::)
If my hubby pays me a compliment I need a stiff drink to recover! ;D
Don't get me wrong, I still have days when I don't like what I see, but that's life.
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Thanks everyone. So the bodyshape is normal then and I'm not on my own? I'm pretty sure the answer is yes but it would be good to know for sure. To know I'm not on my own would help.
Does anyone know where I might buy some shorts/jeans that cover up my blub comfortably please? I know low waist things are comfy to wear but they make me look so ugly. Yuk!!
Yes CLKD, I do pay my partner compliments - quite often as it happens. I think he just struggles to say anything nice about me - perhaps he's just can't lie.
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My body shape change and in particular the ugly blob of fat that sits around my middle and makes me feel really pants. My back is fat too and I hate that because that was NEVER there before......................I'm not massive and really need to be grateful for that but what I am struggling with is accepting my new size/shape. I know I have to because unless I intend to deprive myself for the rest of my life, this is how I am going to stay (unless I get bigger I guess)
Oh, bugsbunny, me too!! I would say - make sure you get the proportions right with whatever you wear, i.e. so that it always flatters your natural silhouette/outline (and I mean side-to-side, not front to back) and face shape, which don't change whatever our weight. What is the best skirt length/dress length and trouser type for you? The best top length? Best Neckline? Hairstyle? These are things that relate to our frame and face shape, and they never change. Honeybun is right about colouring, too - if you can also find out what your new colour palette is (all part of the fun!), then your "new look" is probably just round the corner! (Ages ago, I trained and worked as an image consultant, and while this is way in the past, I still believe we can all look wonderful, at any age!) Good luck! :foryou:
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Bugsbunny you're not alone. Spare tyres come as part of the package at no extra cost. Well yes there is extra cost, new clothes for our new body shape. I used to "thank" my two kids for my increase in weight. Went up a size with each of them, I was very thin before having kids. Unfortunately, my dress size went up still further after 50. My size changes from shop to shop. 14/16 bottom half 16/18 top half due to big boobs, although I sometimes can wear a 14 top depending on shape/material.
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Bugsbunny
I think you ask a very important question so this is a good thread. For all of us it's not just the menopause symptoms that are distressing but the very obvious effects of oestrogen deficiency and ageing that seems to rapidly increase when we reach our 50s.
Watching our bodies change shape, the skin sags, trying desperately to keep our weight under control and also maintaining our self esteem when feeling tired and anxious, are all big challenges.
At 57 I was told to take a break from HRT to see how I coped. My body was already heading south but I was horrified how quickly my skin dried out, my muscles wasted and the fat gathered around my abdomen. I reduced the amount I ate by about a quarter and really concentrated on eating well, I took long walks every day and practised Mindful Meditation, so did everything I could to maintain my health as best I could. Eventually the vaginal atrophy and burning urethra discomfort together with the terrible lack of sleep made me go back on HRT. Though I am feeling more energetic and sleeping better the damage has been done, I definitely aged far more through that year off HRT - I actually think the lack of sleep did the most damage.
I used to be a personal presentation consultant - basically doing a 'Susanna and Trinny' job - and i found the biggest problem women had was to do with self esteem and self worth. If I told a man he needed to have a bespoke suit made for him, he wouldn't hesitate to spend the money but if I suggested to a women she buy some better quality clothes they would be horrified at spending more on themselves.
I truly, truly hate what has happened to my body over the last 5-10 years - I was a professional dancer, so slim and fit, so to be buying trousers 2 sizes bigger and not be able to get rid of the fat that sits around my tummy and hips is horribly distressing for me. I have managed to loose some weight recently and I do tummy exercises but that fat does not shift!!! :(
Many people don't like the term 'The Change' when referring to this time in our lives but in a way it is appropriate and perhaps our biggest challenge is learning to not just cope with the hormonal changes but deal with all the mental and physical changes of ageing. If we had good self esteem to start with then we would probably cope with theses changes better.
I do think it helps to get your wardrobe sorted. If you have a few good basic wardrobe items that make you feel slimmer and more attractive it really can help. Don't hold onto clothing you think you will wear when you loose weight - they are just clogging up your wardrobe. A good spring wardrobe edit is very cathartic. Thank goodness for stretch fabrics - wonderful for accommodating and supporting those pockets of fat. Go for quality if you can - it really does pay to have a decent cut and quality fabrics at our age. Hide the bad bits but really accentuate the good bits, think about posture - shoulders down, tummy in and walk tall.
Fight the ageing process by all means but growing older gracefully with a certain amount of acceptance is something I personally strive to achieve - but it's an ongoing battle for me :-\. DG xxx
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Hi bugs bunny,
We tend to be our own worst critics! Most people don't care what you look like, just about who you are and how they feel when they are around you. Those who are critical are even more critical about themselves. Accepting yourself as you are and taking on board that it's ok to be you is a huge relief. You are ok, in fact more than ok just as you are. Worry about your weight only if it effects your health.
This is my favourite prayer. For you.
" O God,
help me to believe
the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is!"
Macrina Weiderkehr
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I think this says it all.
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Honeyb
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Love that poem! I'm wearing purple today! Just need to team it up with my red hat! Shall we all grow old disgracefully together, if virtually?
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Oh I plan to age very disgracefully! ;D
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I have lots of purple shades in my wardrobes and complement it with jewellery - blue john sits well right now ;)
I too was a dancer. Until I was 18. I remained slim and now weigh around 8 stone. But the waist line has dropped >:( ::) …….. is it the right way to wear bright colours at the top and dark skirts/jeans? …….. I tend to wear bright as much as possible in the Winter, that way people look at what I'm wearing and not what's poking out :D ………. and a hat in the Summer, the more bizarre the better trimmed with brooches ;)
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Honeybun is right about colouring, too - if you can also find out what your new colour palette is (all part of the fun!), then your "new look" is probably just round the corner! (Ages ago, I trained and worked as an image consultant, and while this is way in the past, I still believe we can all look wonderful, at any age!)
Dulciana - Re colours - I had my colours done, ooh, must be about 20 years ago. In your experience, do our colours change much when we hit meno?
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My colour has changed from fair to medium beige. I was quite indignant when I saw the colour of foundation thinking I'd look like a clown, but in fact it is perfect.
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No bugsbunny, you're not alone. I sometimes look at very slim women of our sort of age and wonder what they have to do to stay that way - deprive themselves of all sorts of lovely things probably. Recently I read an article in The Times about a woman whose home went up in flames and she lost everything except what she was wearing and what she had in her handbag. She had had to go out and buy replacement clothes. She was writing the article several weeks after the fire and the message she had was that it was so liberating no longer opening her wardrobe to be faced with racks of clothes that didn't fit anymore. She had a few new things that fitted and life was simpler because of it. I think we all hang on to stuff for when we lose that weight and continue to wear things that are uncomfortably tight ( I get in a right nark if my clothes are uncomfortable!). Why do we do this to ourselves?
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Hope? ………… I have certain 'sets' of clothes and jewellery, currently I'm looking for bright jeans that actually fit :( …….. to go with tops I hope will be worn if we get a Summer!
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Honeybun is right about colouring, too - if you can also find out what your new colour palette is (all part of the fun!), then your "new look" is probably just round the corner! (Ages ago, I trained and worked as an image consultant, and while this is way in the past, I still believe we can all look wonderful, at any age!)
Dulciana - Re colours - I had my colours done, ooh, must be about 20 years ago. In your experience, do our colours change much when we hit meno?
I don't think it's specifically at meno-time, but everyone's colouring changes as the years pass. My colouring has definitely lightened and I'm now definitely better in lighter shades of what used to be "my colours".
Cubagirl, I'm interested to hear that your colouring has changed from fair to medium beige (I assume you mean skintone), as I had always thought that it just lightens. Glad your new foundation was "the one"!
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Was only web searching today about advice re colours make up etc and e- mailed eldest DD about us both going for a consult sometime soon. She is 43 and me 65 so thought it good time for both of us- Mum will pay of course. Any ideas on where to go would be most welcome. Looked at the Colour me Beautiful site so far., there are a couple of places close to her in Cheshire.
Any advice ladies?
Thorntrees.
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What a great idea! Try John Lewis or ask at a cosmetics counter? Does 1 start with the skin tone or clothing?
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Thanks CLKD, I know they do make overs in various dept stores but was thinking of something a bit more personal than sitting in public but will keep that in mind, there is definitely a large Debenhams store in Chester so might be worth a look see.
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Thorntrees, if you could get a consultation where they do a personalised system of colour analysis- as opposed to a seasonal one (spring, summer, autumn, winter) - you would get an individualised colour swatch to come away with.
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Yes skin tone Dulciana. I think it has more to do with weathering. My mum was the same. Certain colours she wore in her youth, drained her as she got older. I used to wear lemon a lot, it was my favourite colour. My hair was more auburn in those days. Nowadays coral suits me best, as my face & hair colour have changed.
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I feel a meno charabanc trip coming on ;D
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When I was a Presentations Consultant I did colour analysis but I did the personalised colour sessions - the seasonal thing is too restrictive. My view is that you really can wear any colour but it is the way you wear colour that is important. It's good to have key basics like trousers, skirts and jackets in neutral shades like dark grey, navy, brown or beige and then use colour alongside as a contrast in a blouse, t-shirt or scarf etc.
As we age wearing slightly softer shades of colours can be more flattering but do beware of going too beige and bland. A big mistake that many women make is when dying their hair - if you had really dark hair that has gone grey don't try to dye it the colour it was when you were young, go for highlights in softer tones that are more flattering for the skin.
Fit is very important and I think comfort is vital. It's no good wearing an expensive outfit that really suits you and then wearing shoes that are painful!
My top tip: go through your wardrobe, try things on, if something suits you and you've always felt good wearing this, try to work out why it works. When you next go shopping for clothes - you should never buy anything without trying it on first - you will look at yourself in those ghastly mirrors in the changing rooms, instead of seeing all your lumps and bumps, look dispassionately at whether the item is flattering or not - does it hide the areas you don't like and does it enhance your good bits? Crucially do your feel good in it.
Many make up girls on the cosmetic counters in stores are trained quite well on colour so it's worth asking advise there. Many stores have wardrobe consultants as well so I'd ask about that as well.
If you shop with a friend or relation don't let them talk you into buying something they like - it's probably their taste and not yours. Buying rules: can you wear any clothing item 3 different ways, does it fit well, will it wash well and do you love it.
Enjoy shopping ladies. DG x
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Thanks everyone. I will read all the posts thoroughly and I'm sure I will find good advice and help from you.
It's good to know I'm not alone ;)
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Thank you Dulciana and DG, I was thinking of a personal consult and like the idea of a colour swatch etc. Will get togeher with daughter and see what we can come up with, she's better at web searching than I am so hopefully will find something that will suit us both. My hair is going slowly grey so feel the need for make up changes and a wardrobe reamp to help me accept my post meno self and growing old disgracefully!! If nothing else it will give us both a girlie day out and give me a chance to spoil her.
Thorntrees
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My hairdresser made me 'blonde' once, everyone else liked it except me ;D ………..
He gave me hi-lights then 3 months later low-lights so it was layers of colour. Now I'm 'me' - that is, grey on a brown background ;)