Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: hanging.on.in.there on November 17, 2014, 10:29:50 AM
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Hi , i mentioned in another thread that my daughter was having problems at uni and there have been developments.
Her second year house of 5 girls seems to have turned against her for no apparent reason, due I think to one particular girls attitude, which seems to have spread.
My daughter asked this girl if there were any issues and this girl accused her of picking on her, even though she had talked unkindly about my daughter behind her back to cause the situation, saying she didnt want to live with her again next year.
Daughter is always kind, friendly, thoughtful, doesnt make noise or is untidy, so she is really hurt. And as we all know, group dynamics are a funny thing. So while she could brush it off and cope for a couple of weeks, now she is avoiding the house because of the atmosphere.
Final straw was none of them went to see her in an annual show last night, which was when she rang me, and I got no sleep. She has other freinds on her course and clubs, but these girls were her best friends from the first year.
I think the 'ringleader' is a passive aggressive type.
Any advice, as I cant bear her being so miserable x
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Is there someone that she can talk to at the university about this situation - do personal tutors still exist ? who she could go to - they must have dealt with this type of situation before.
Would any of her friends from course or clubs swop houses with her so that she could move out of the situation?
Could she go to one of the student letting agencies and see if they can find another room in a house even if it was with students from a different year ? It may be better than staying on in a horrible situation ? and she might be a whole lot happier amongst some new faces now.
My daughter moved from halls to a house of 5 in the second year - dynamics between them changed - she had one of the worse damp rooms and was the 'bill sorter' so not always popular but they did all muddle along ok - she was on a four year course with a year out though and found a fourth year flat with just one of the girls who was doing the same - i'm not sure that 5 of them together would have lasted and been a good idea in the last year anyway.
Hattie X
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Thanks Hattie. Great to have advice from someone who has been through similar.
It's so hard to help from a distance and the stress of the actual degree doesnt help.
I did always wonder how 5 girls would all manage- I remember a few situations developing from when I was at uni.
Such is life I guess x
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Only other thing i can suggest is that she asks some of her other friends NOW from course or clubs to go in with them for the 3rd year - just stick out the 2nd year with the group she is with at the moment.There are holidays inbetween and June/July next year isn't so far away.
As you say the course work is enough without other issues - my daughter got very down at one point with a damp room and a ton of coursework.
Hattie X
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Regarding next year's house, they have already committed verbally to sharing next year again ( contradictory I know with all this going on) ( also they all get very ahead of themselves there to get the best houses) so I think she is between a rock and a hard place regarding that, but I will mention it later.... she said she would call me today-- dreading it !
If she pulls out now, I predict they will savage her, or say fine and cut her out even more.
Hard being a parent isn't it watching them learn about life??
I'm just aware of how important it is to hit the right tone with any advice.
Also, it is always a bit shameful to admit people dont like you .....
I'm very sad. xx
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I am sorry your daughter is unhappy. Our daughter left her first year group because friendships formed as freshers in halls of residence did not develop and she made other friends as the first year went on. She shared with these friends in year 2 but had problems with the course so, to cut a long story short, she transferred to a uni within travelling distance from home (20 miles). Same course but run properly, and she lived at home for the last 2 years and used my car to travel in each day as a day student. She did miss out on some of the social activity but found the stress a lot less, got a good meal each evening and a decent night's sleep. It was the best choice for her.
I do hope your daughter can sort out what is best for her, it's such a worry isn't it when they are away from your care. We never stop being mothers.
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I'm sorry too - your daughter's happiness is far more important than whether they all get a best house in the third year.
Sorry i really do not know what else to suggest.
Hattie X
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How far away from home is she. Maybe a weekend visit from mum might help. Do you know any of her flat mates.
Maybe a visit from a parent....actually spending time in the flat with them could diffuse things.
I found that it helped my daughter when she was in halls. There was a lot of drug taking going on and after hubby and I visited unexpectedly a few times it got a little better.
My daughter spent a lot of time locked in her room, quite scared of what was happening. We were lucky though as she came home every weekend.
Unfortunately I think your daughter might just have to stick it out until next year.
I do feel for you and your daughter. It's so damned hard to stand back when actually what you want to do is go and shout at the other girls....very loud.
Honeyb
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Yes that is exactly what I want to do !! ha ha
I know all her flat mates and we had 2 of them staying in our house over the summer, that is how well things were going...and makes me even more angry.
She's about 3 hours drive away which is possible, and was my first impulse to jump in the car and go !
I may still offer to go over for a few hours............. but I also am keen for her to fight her own battles....
anyway, thanks so much for the ideas, it helps so much.
My husband is one of life's truly guileless people, no side to him at all, so his ideas just don't seem to apply in the real world sometimes.... need other women's thoughts xx
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My Niece and Nephew also found it very difficult at Uni both being quiet and shy, and actually wanted to study and do the best they could, they did tough it out and it paid off, but I think it cost them especially my Nephew with his health, in his own words he said it nearly finished him off.
If you are not part of the social scene, drinking and drugs and you don't fit in it can be very difficult for a lot of students.
My other Niece is doing better, she has a room of her own, a kitchen where she can cook her own meals and near enough to go home each weekend she is happy with Uni life, she also has a boyfriend who is older then her and working but he is very protective and keeps an eye on her so that must help enormously for her. I think she did have some problems at first but the last time I spoke to her she seemed a lot happier.
On the other hand my grand daughter loved Uni life and never had any problems.
Life can be hard for some kids today I think.
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Definitely a visit from mum especially if you have had them staying in your house. Could you go for a weekend. You could use the excuse of Xmas shopping.
I really think it might help. You will be able to see the dynamics of the situation. for yourself and your daughter would probably love a visit from mum.
Honeyb
x
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Good plan thanks- sometimes I feel I'm not up to this job..... too many pitfalls to negotiate x
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So take them all to Pizza Express if budget allows? Nice easy place, opportunities to sit back and watch the interactions. It may be that they might not all tag along but make it an open invite?
Also explain to DD that friendships do alter throughout Life, that what seems hard now is a way of standing back and watching the various dynamics. We all want to fit in, important - we want to be valued, important - in business etc. dynamics will alter so it's good practice ;)
Don't wait, get in that car and turn up ?
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Thanks Sparkle, and everyone, so much for your kindness and support and wonderful ideas.
Sometimes we all just need an extra friend .Love this community x
I will let you know what transpires. Love, luck and kindness in your lives x
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I think part of the problem is 5 GIRLS together. Girls being more emotional and taking thing to heart often causes this type of situation. With boys they have a row, say their bit and then it's all over. Perhaps she should try and get a mixed house share. It balances the dynamics and everyone tends to behave better.
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I must say I tend to agree ! x
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Sadly, this whole scenario reminds me of the bullying my daughter encountered at school at age 13. Then it was put down to hormones and puberty. You would have thought that maturity would make a difference, but sadly for some it doesn't.
Remind your daughter that this is not about her, even if it feels like it. The girl who started all this is reacting to other issues in her life experience. While it doesn't excuse 'bad' behaviour, it does help to have some understanding of where people like this are coming from. It hurts when people are hostile, but you can't control how other people are. All she needs to do is carry on being the lovely girl she is. And move on if she can.
My daughter now reflects back on that period of bullying positively. She says it made her stronger and helped to let her know what she would or would not tolerate in any kind of relationship. She's now a tough, but lovely cookie. At school, she gradually moved on to new friendships, one of which she has a rewarding friendship with now. But it is hard for us mums seeing our children through tough times.
The comment about mixed shared houses is true. I noticed when I was working how dynamics changed for the better in staff rooms, where there was a male member!
Best wishes to you both.
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I think Ju ju is right - when people behave like this it is more about their problems than you. It took me a long time to learn this.
One of my daughters, who had many lovely friends at school, struggled in the first year where she was billeted in accommodation with 8 boys and 4 girls. The boys behaved abominably and the girls (and one boy) had to move out before they lost their deposit. She had to go into similar university accommodation the next year because she had found noone to share with as a result of this and is in a houseshare this year. They are struggling with toilet roll issues ::)
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I cannot offer any ideas, but I completely understand how you feel - my daughter went through something very similar in her second year at Uni.
Her Uni is close to home (about 25 minutes travelling), but she decided to house-share with some friends in her second year so she could be more part of the social side .... she shared with a girl she had been very close to at secondary school, and a guy who turned into the other girl's boyfriend. They totally shut my daughter out, left the communal areas of the house a mess, hardly spoke to her (or were openly hostile - making it clear she was 'in the way'). It made my daughter ill - she desparately wanted to move out and tried very hard to find someone to take over her room, but failed. In the end, I paid her rent for the last 4 months and got her home and well again. She is fine now, in her final year - she still lives at home, but she is fully involved with the social side of Uni, and stays overnight with the REAL friends she has made when she needs to.
Hang in there (sorry - no pun intended!) - it will get better.
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It is very difficult now that landlords tie them into contracts they cannot get out of. In my day (can't believe I have written that!), you took the house together, and if someone walked out, you had to find someone to replace them, or pay the difference.
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They all signed, and were each responsible for their own share of the rent. So the only way my daughter could walk away was to find someone to take her room. Once bitten, they say!
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Thank you - this is all making me feel much more able and confident to offer advice and cope, knowing it's not just us !
So many of my thoughts and conclusions have been reinforced by everyone else's.
Husband totally doesn't understand female friendships, so I gave up trying to talk it through with him !
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Dear all, an update.
I have just had a call from my daughter.
It seems they have resolved their issues ( how or when I dont know yet, will find out at Xmas I guess)
They are all house hunting together and socialising together again and going down to London at Xmas for a couple of days.
I can't believe it, I didnt think it would happen as my daughter thought the situation had gone beyond being able to be saved. I am so relieved I cant tell you, I didnt realise just how physically stressed I was about it.
Let's hope the peace lasts and lessons have been learnt as they say.
Thanks for your kind support through this x
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That's good to hear. Maybe realised they'd miss each other's company. Girls are a bit like that at times. My daughter had a group of friends at uni, been through school together too. One of them is & always has been hard to "read". But through fall outs etc, they've all still stayed friends & accepted this girl will always be the same. It comes down to accepting that sometimes we have to agree to disagree & get on with what life throws at us.
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Its a hard life lesson to learn even at any age cubagirl and very true.
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:thankyou: for the update!
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Not even sure mixed accommodation is much better. My daughter was sharing with one girl and three lads. It was not a happy mix on any level.
It did make her grow up a lot and although home this year is considering moving back to the city for her fourth year.
This time she would share with girlfriends and not strangers.
My son would dearly like to flat share with his sister but until she leaves uni and gets a job that can't happen. I suspect they would kill each other anyway ;D
Strange thing is a few years ago they hardly spoke and seemed to dislike each other on occasions, now they are the best of friends and meet up as often as they can.
So pleased your daughter has got things sorted....exam time approaches and living somewhere peaceful is really important.
Honeyb
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