Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: annieb on October 16, 2014, 05:54:18 PM
-
I have 6 sisters in law . 5 of them are just lovely - easy to talk to and just part of our very large and mostly happy family . Of course from time to time we disagree but things are sorted out quickly and we carry on. BUT I have one who is just pure evil. She has no interest in what the rest of us are doing or in our children. Hers are perfect and better at anything than any other child in the world and somehow ours are insignificant and thick so not worth the bother. This I can cope with but what really upsets me is that she is so nasty to my Mother. She phones her and berates her for the slightest thing and has digs at her for anything she can think of, makes snide comment about the rest of us. She's very canny and is always sweet and lovely when we or my brother (her hubby) or my Dad are there but over the past few years Mum has been quite upset by her and it's all starting to come out . Dad caught her at it one day and I found Mum quite distressed another time and she eventually told me what was going on. I know she used to do this to my Gran when she was alive and I did give S-I-L a good talking to about it which resulted in us not speaking for some considerable time. I'm at a loss what to do as I've never caught her at it with Mum as I rarely see her these days. My hubby has refused to be in the same room as her. Talking to her doesn't seem to help and my brother seems oblivious. When you try to explain what it is she's doing it just comes across as me being bitchy especially as she's doing it on the sly. It's a form of bullying isn't it but what to do to get her to stop???
-
Aks your Mum what she would like said/done in order to stop the bullying? I don't have much contact with my sister who can enrage me to commit murder :cuss: and only if necessary do we speak.
If your Mum is initially upset but after she has shared the upset she feels better then maybe she can be given snap responses? It's always things I think of after the issue - what I could have said - that makes me annoyed that it wasn't off the cuff at the time …….. what I did 4 years ago was, put down the 'phone on my sister who was so busy 'going on' that she didn't realise ::).
That would be my first input - replace the 'phone on anyone who upsets her!
-
The only thing I can think of is get your dad to speak to your brother. May be if it comes from him it will carry some weight.
Honeyb
x
-
Sometimes people feel that they have to take sides so maybe the brother isn't able or doesn't want to take issue with his Wife ………..
-
Annieb - All of this needs to be out in the open.
It's not bitchy, you are concerned about your mum, and dad as well, come to that.
There's been programmes on Radio 4 recently about relatives getting EPA (enduring power of attorney) over older relatives or acquaintances. Your SIL appears to have the potential not to be a nice person. Speak to your brother and Dad. Emphasise it's just a feeling you have but you just want to be sure. Well, all the family does, doesn't it?..........
-
Thanks Ladies - CKLD this is the problem with my brother - he's got to live with her . I'm pretty sure he's aware of how she is and I think she's like that with a lot of people. She tried it with me when they were first married but I told her straight. She targets the more vulnerable as bullies always do. I am trying to avoid causing a rift between my brother and her but I think maybe the time has come to have a long chat with him. That's if I can get to speak to him alone. When I do call she says he's not in and last time I tried to speak to him about the fact that he has lost contact with my youngest brother (who has no idea why by the way) I had to take him out into the garden to speak privately. The minute we went back inside she insisted they go upstairs and I could hear her grilling him about what we had talked about. The whole thing upsets me as my brother and I were very close at one time . Maybe this is the root of it - she does not want anyone else to be close to him - but the rest of us have always worked on being a sharing family where we support each other. I love being part of a large family - it has its moments but knowing you have "people" is such a good feeling. Generally when a new boyfriend/girlfriend /wife appears on the scene they are made welcome and always included in any get togethers etc (whether they want to be or nor :) )but now no-one wants her there. SIL is from a small family with few in the extended family so maybe she doesn't know what she's missing.
Anyway I feel better having put this in writing and will pop over to see Mum later and devise a strategy. She was greatly cheered up yesterday after a long phone chat so a visit will help too xxx
-
I really feel for you. I have a BIL, who has been hostile ever since I met my husband. His behaviour has been at best indifferent and at worst abusive. His behaviour worsened as the years went by. He was indifferent to the children. My MIL apologised for his behaviour. Now he will not come here, though my husband occasionally meets up with him. He would love to have a rewarding relationship with him, but has accepted this will not happen. They were close as children and he is he only relative now apart from our children.
You can't change people. This was never about us; this man is ill, (his problems extend to the way he relates to everyone else). You SIL is il too. You wont be able to change her nor is it your job to do so. But what you can do is look at how you respond to her and be responsible for your own reactions. Be calm. We have the choice to never have anything to do with my BIL, but I think you want to be there for your brother and Mum. It sounds as if she is being abusive towards him, trying to control him and isolate him from his family. One day she will take a step too far and he will want to break free. This is when he will need his family's support. I expect his self esteem and confidence is undermined. This woman is in a bad place emotionally, but there is never an excuse for abusive behaviour.
There are several women on this forum who have experienced abusive behaviour from their ex partners. It would be interesting to hear what kind of support they would have appreciated and responded to while still in the relationship.
-
Ju Ju you have summed it up so accurately . Last time I saw my brother he was almost his usual self , laughing and joking and then she just cut across him (can't remember exactly what she said) but he stopped dead in his tracks and did not finish his tale. It was like a light had been switched off. I know deep inside he's the brother I had and truthfully I am waiting for the day he finally escapes!! Maybe once the children have all left home and settled it'll be his time as this is quite often the catalyst from what I hear.
-
annieb
I don't really have any experience, not to this extent anyway but I just wanted to say that your brother is so lucky to have a family that wants to be there for him, have a relationship with him and to support him despite his wife making that extremely difficult for you all. Your poor Mum too...if someone was behaving like that towards my Mum I would be very angry which obviously you are. It's good that she has you to talk to and cheer her up. Good luck xx
-
annieb it makes me so sad to hear of a man being emasculated like this and I sincerely hope something can be sorted out for the sake of your whole family.
-
It can feel humiliating for a man. I know of 2 men, both policemen (!) who have been through similar situations. He is not alone. It takes courage to get out. Best thing these men did, but they needed support and love in order to recover. One of them stayed till the children were older. They do not respect him for sticking around and taking it on the chin!
-
Part of the reason I have held back from really making a stink about it is that I'm afraid that we will loose whats left of the link that we do have left with him. He may feel he has to choose her over us and then we will loose him forever. My youngest son was in a similar situation with a girlfriend when he was younger and she eventually told him to choose (this girl was so like my SIL it terrified me). Luckily all his friends could see what was happening as well as us and when she gave this ultimatum he choose us (& his friends) and now sees how much of a lucky escape he had!!! It's too late for my brother so we'll just have to try to keep the lines of communication open. I've told Mum to have keep it short if SIL phones her again and if she starts to get at her just say there's a problem on the line put the phone down and take it off the hook for a while. She'll get the message eventually. I'll keep in touch with him as best I can so he will always know I'm here no matter how bad it gets. Thanks all of you for sharing - it does help a great deal xx
-
Just love him through it and let him know in no way does he deserve this treatment. He is worthy of respect and love. He is not responsible for her behaviour.
-
It's never too late but the change has to come from the abused person. Let your Bro know that he's loved and if he wants to walk away then it's OK to do so.
Let us know how you get on!
-
I sent her an email setting out the issues as I thought maybe it would be easier as things can get said in the heat of the moment which may not help. Took me ages to compose the email as trying to get the right level of we're fed up with this while still trying to sound reasonable VERY difficult when all you really want to do is give her a good slap (and believe me I'm normally a very calm person!). No reply yet !!
-
Are you able to send your Bro a private message? so that he knows you are giving him support in a difficult situation?
Similar appears to have happened to an Uncle I grew up with, he's 15 years older than me: he married late - seemed happy but the wife developed health issues which prevented her having people in her home - which I understand, been there etc.; - however, he wouldn't meet DH and I even for half an hour close by and I do wonder :'( …………
Keep us up to date ;)
-
I doubt you will hear from your SIL, annieb, as unreasonable people don't behave in a reasonable way. She has her own agenda, her own life experience from which she is reacting from. She won't hear what you are trying to say, only react from what is going on in her head. You can only stand firm, when she behaves badly. Make it clear that when she is abusive, it is unacceptable. Put the phone down. I'm afraid you can't help your brother until he wants out, other than making it clear you are there for him whatever. Have they children?
-
Will your parents put down the phone in future?
-
I agree Ju Ju - until he is ready - I don't want his marriage destroyed and was truly hoping that he could talk to her and make her see what she is doing but she seems to be getting worse. Yes CKLD they will put the phone down if she tries this again. My Dad will certainly tell her straight but she doesn't do this to him because she knows this. Mum is the target. Hey Ho - families eh? I've come across people like this in the past but only in a work or business context and then of course it's easier to avoid. I think I know why she is like this as I have seen years ago how her parents were. Her father was a serial complainer - and his idea of complaining if service was bad was to shout and be unpleasant and her mother was always putting her down. You'd think that this would make her more aware of how others feel but I guess sometimes you just grow up thinking this is the normal way to interact with the rest of the world
We've decided that we should really feel sorry for her and she is missing out on so much of the joy of being part of an extended family. I think it will come home to roost with her eventually as when their children have families of their own she'll try this on with their partners and find a couple of "strong" ones in the mix who will not tolerate her
-
Yes, some people are more aware of the consequences of abusive behaviour they grow up and are determined not to pass it on to the next generation and others take it on as the norm and continue the abusive behaviour. I think some people just blame the rest of the world for the way they feel and others look beyond themselves and see and care about the suffering of others. Unfortunately you can't help people unless or until they are ready to be helped.
-
I certainly would have parented as mine did - it was only in my 30s that I realised there is a difference.
It was when I met my future in-Laws that I realised that people talked to each other and not at each other ;) I was amazed!
-
I also had an isolated childhood and grew up believing my parents were the blueprint of how things are done. As a result I did not always enjoy my children because my husband had a more 'normal' view of parenting which was in conflict with my own. It was not an easy time. I am amazed our children have grown up as well adjusted as they are ::)
-
I knew that I was not the naughty, lazy not very bright child that my mother said I was. In hindsight I think I had aspects of dyslexia. Learning to read was an uphill struggle. Mum was called into one school as I was withdrawn and too well behaved! But what really hit home was when my mum treated my son in the same way. Both my children have grown up to be confident and happy and my son, severely dyslexic is embarking on his paramedic career. My husband's sense of humour always balanced any discipline issues. I was always conscious of not undermining their self esteem and for my son over riding the pain of school.
-
My son is dyslexic too and I know how hard it can be to parent a child whose confidence is a rock bottom and stands out from class mates for all the wrong reasons.
I always told him how clever he was and how different. It worked and with a lot of help he is now successful. It took a while and I had to fight to get him the help he needed.
I know he gets it from my side of the family as I suspect I am mildly dyslexic too.
He remains different.....slightly eccentric and a bit odd.....in a nice way.
Sorry a bit off topic ::)
Honeyb
x
-
I withdrew as much as I was allowed to do so. Very into books. Dad refused to have a TV so we had to make our own entertainment, including playing games i.e. Ludo around the table on a Sunday afternoon ::) or going for picnics, cycling, walking ………
Could your sister in law be narcissistic? My Mum and sister are both un-diagnosed ……..
-
I have 6 sisters in law . 5 of them are just lovely - easy to talk to and just part of our very large and mostly happy family . Of course from time to time we disagree but things are sorted out quickly and we carry on. BUT I have one who is just pure evil. She has no interest in what the rest of us are doing or in our children. Hers are perfect and better at anything than any other child in the world and somehow ours are insignificant and thick so not worth the bother. This I can cope with but what really upsets me is that she is so nasty to my Mother. She phones her and berates her for the slightest thing and has digs at her for anything she can think of, makes snide comment about the rest of us. She's very canny and is always sweet and lovely when we or my brother (her hubby) or my Dad are there but over the past few years Mum has been quite upset by her and it's all starting to come out . Dad caught her at it one day and I found Mum quite distressed another time and she eventually told me what was going on. I know she used to do this to my Gran when she was alive and I did give S-I-L a good talking to about it which resulted in us not speaking for some considerable time. I'm at a loss what to do as I've never caught her at it with Mum as I rarely see her these days. My hubby has refused to be in the same room as her. Talking to her doesn't seem to help and my brother seems oblivious. When you try to explain what it is she's doing it just comes across as me being bitchy especially as she's doing it on the sly. It's a form of bullying isn't it but what to do to get her to stop???
Its very easy I had the same problem with my husband sister she hated me 40 years ago shes still hates me
It is bullying in clever devious way If your Dad caught her at it then as its his wife he needs to take your bro aside PLus you yourself need to women up and tell her if she insults your Mother again or speaks badly to her
You will ensure the entire family disown her and if needs be your brother too U have 1 MUM u have to stop it
Your Dad also needs to man upkow matter how old he is hes the MAn its his wife
I ignore my sisnlaw now for the most part I can be in her company and just let her sarcy jibes wash over me
But sadly for her she did it in front of her freind one day she forgot her pals from her school days was there
Now imagine the setting a lovely girlie brakfast in my tropical garden nice spa going tropical fruits cross the lot
She was talking away to her pal I was drinking my tea and smelling the flowers when she tuened and shouted SUZANNR R U LISTENING TO ME I said with out thinking Is there a dog in here she said what do u mean
I said well the way u just barked at me I thought you were talking to a dog I got up and said its a good job hyour leaving tomorrow or I would throw u out now this was after 35 years of nasty jibes which she taight to her children they treated me from birth equally as nasty u can imagine a 15 yr old calling me Bitch her daughter did and I took it but this day I snapped Her pals was mortified she came in to the kitchen and saoid she was sorry that shed always been like that I said yep I know shes still waiting for the Divorce
This year we celebrated our 40th wedd ing ann and is she any better not really shes so sweet in front of bhubbie Thiough he knows we dont like each other for him I kept silent in front of her always I hurt my ankle and my 40 wedd trip to UK in Sept had t be canned 48hrs before we were due to go His sister had gone the day before and with in 6 days she was trexting me saying it was so hot and wasnt it a shame So I just sent a text back saying r u thick Ive shown Bobbles your text hes not happy BY GOSH with in secs it was OH Im sorry bla bla and of course hubbie said OH she didnt mean it but she did he knows that as do I he texted her
No more texts and shes not coming up for a pre Xmas trip which we pay for and hes not going down to hers for a few days in earl december either I think finally hes seen what ive seen and said I dnt hate her I feel sorry for her Shes all fur coat and no knickers her pals are all fair weather shes no empithy no heart so id sod ur sisinlaw
\