Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: honeybun on September 07, 2014, 12:49:16 PM
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It's my mother again. :'(
I was chucked out of her house this morning. It was awful and my hubby is furious.
My niece is getting married and my mother dislikes her.....yes her granddaughter....intensely. She is adopted and her and my mother have never been close.
I have refused to listen to the horrible vile things my mother has been saying and the upshot is I was told to get out today.
I am not terribly close to my niece but we get on well when we meet up.
I don't agree with what's being said and that it would seem is a gigantic fault.
I have told my sister if she can't sort it out I will not go back.
My anxiety goes through the roof and by the time I get back home I am totally exhausted. I just can't cope with this level of bitterness over something that really has nothing to do with me.
Sad and fed up that it has come to this and at a loss how to move forward this time.
Honeyb
x
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Honeyb - It must have been horrible for you.
I thought your sister was about to go on holiday, does she know what has happened, will she get chance to speak to your mum?
Did your hubby get to speak to her at all? - that may get her to think about what she says.
The thing is your mother threw you out of the house, does this not make it a bit easier to say enough is enough?
Sorry I can't think of anything to suggest - only raise questions.
Really hope your day improves - lots of hugs.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
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So sorry HB I think there is a time when enough is enough, but you must move forward, you and your own family come first. I would keep away and let things die down.
I don't talk much about personal stuff in my life, but some things have come to the fore and made me think too that enough is enough, by coincidence once again this appeared on my FB today, not sure if you will be able to open it but it is very relevant.
http://theunboundedspirit.com/addicted-to-helping-why-we-need-to-stop-trying-to-fix-people/
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So sorry to hear about your upset Honeybun. My Mother was very difficult in her last few years, she said some awful things about my husband and is was very hard to take. I too could never do anything right when I was with her and she was constantly on the phone complaining that she couldn't cope. She seemed so ungrateful for the help she got and I used to wonder what my late Father would have thought about the way she behaved. I can't offer you any advice but just wanted to say I am thinking of you and can understand a little how upset you must feel just now.
Hugs, Thorntrees.
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:hug: :hug:
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sending you kind wishes and soothing thoughts. I won't offer any opinion as I have not been here long enough to earn the right but I hope you soon feel a bit better xx
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babyjane you don't have to earn the right to offer opinions and I am sure HB would say the same thing :-*
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perhaps I worded it wrong. I do not know honeybun yet, or her situation with her mother so don't feel entitled to comment on it.
But I did read the link you provided silverlady, and I saw a lot of myself in it. I am a 'Mrs Fixit' to my own detriment due to not having a very high self esteem.
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My sis goes on holiday next Saurday.
I did not tell her the vile things that were said about her daughter initially. She then called mother who pulled the poor little old lady bit. My sister called me back and basically said she was not getting involved. I was so angry and felt my sis thought I was fussing about nothing ......so I told her just one of the things that had been said.
Think I may well have set a large cat amongst the pigeons but it's well time she realised the extent of what I am having to cope with.
I am going to stay away for a while I think. Mothers needs to know she has gone too far this time.
I won't let hubby get involved. Things would be said that could never be forgiven.
I do know she is a very old woman but..... :-\
Comment all you like BJ cause for the life of me I don't know how to manage this one.
Honeyb
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I cannot imagine how awful you must be feeling HB
You do so much for your Mum. She definitely needs to realise how her attitude and nasty talk of others is affecting you.
Perhaps distance is the best way at the moment. Your sister should know what was said, nothing wrong with that. Not fair for you to take the brunt of this.
Concentrate on you and your family, they are the important ones in your life
Sending you big hugs. PN x
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Honeybun all I will say is that from the bits I have read your mother sounds rather like my late paternal grandmother who had a narcissistic personality and other mental issues. She could be very spiteful and frighteningly cruel especially when things were not about her, and blew hot and cold, turning on the martyred charm when it suited her.
My father died before his mother and mum was left with my grandmother's welfare to see to, a bit like you and your mother I imagine. Fortunately she had to go into a home and the matron and staff saw first hand her treatment of people and the way she was, and mum was persuaded to stop visiting for her own health. She just used to take new underwear when required and hand it in at the door. After my grandmother died my mother looked years younger.
I wanted to say that I understand what it can be like to deal with someone like this, and you really cannot win with them, ever.
Take care of you, Honeybun. If you are looking for your mother's approval I very much doubt she will give it to you if she is like my grandmother as they are unable to look beyond themselves. BJ xx
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Sorry to read this Honeyb. What a horrible thing to happen. I'm not defending your mum as I know that she has been difficult for all of your life but didn't you mention some time back that she was in the early stages of dementia? It could be that this is taking more of a hold on her so that she is even less restrained than before.
It's time, I think, to get in professional carers for her and for you to step back and get on with your life and do things for you.
Taz x
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Hello honeybun.
I just wanted to send my best wishes to you. My mother in law is 87 and very difficult so I have a little understanding of your situation.
Take care of yourself.
K.
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I really don't know if it's dementia or not Taz. It's never been mentioned to a doctor at any point. I just put her inability to take in some facts and her poor memory down to that.
Her hearing is not great either so she sometimes misses picking up things.
I have put my care of her on a more casual basis over the last six months or so. I don't know who else we could get in for her to be honest and I would feel as if I was dumping the lot on my sister's shoulders. I am firmly between a rock and a hard place.
I would just curl up and die if my sister walked away and left me to it.
Perhaps, finally she will understand that if she was just a little bit nice things would be so much better for all of us.
She has always been like this only now it's X100.
Honeyb
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Dear Honeybun, she may not be capable of understanding that she is not being nice. In her world she could think that it is everyone else who is wrong and there is no reasoning when they are like that.
This is what I mean by not knowing your situation or your mother so I am trying to be careful but you could try and reason with my grandmother until you were blue in the face and she just couldn't, or wouldn't see it.
My very best wishes to you.
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So sorry HB - I really sympathise and agree it's so hard to cope with situations like this. I have been upset this weekend too and it leaves me exhausted and on this occasion my husband furious. One of the carers told me my mother had said I did nothing for her and I sat at home all day as I don't even work. I was furious as I do everything really - cleaning, shopping, laundry, garden hospital appointments etc. But she is obsessed with going shopping and doesn't care that I am unwell ( which is why I don't work - 30 ops for chrons disease has left it's mark). I was furious - and yes she is slightly brain damaged following a brain haemorrhage but she was always cold towards me so I can't blame it all onthe brain injury. My husband ws so cross and told me to keep away. My mother has carers so I don't have to go there at all - I have only been there once this weekend but she thenjust stays in bed all day.
It is so hard but you have to find a coping mechanism. Would it be possible for her to have carers - sounds like she needs help. You would then not have to visit and maybe things would improve. My sister does what she has to and just walks away but we are all different. Hope you are feeling better - it's not easy though. My mothers aunt wants to come and stay - she is a bit older than my mother but my mother hates her. She is really spiteful about her and I am now left with the tearful phone calls from my aunt who just wants to come for a few days. I have to put her off but it's getting to the point I will have to just say she doesn't want visitors but it then puts me in abad light.
I've decided we can't always change these difficult family issues so we somehow have to change the way we deal with these things or WE will end up burnt out :)
Xxx
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Oh HB, hard for you, but maybe a carer would be a good idea. They are trained in how to deal with the cantankerous episodes. You, as her daughter, are too close to the situation. Your sister needs to realise this too. Not fair that you are your mum's punch bag. Could you speak to her GP maybe? Maybe a spell of respite care to give you a break. My mum went in for respite care, staff said she should have been much earlier as she was so confused. Made decision easier for brother & I.
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HB :hug:
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So very sorry to hear about this honeybun and also everyone else who has had or still has similar problems with elderly parents - I just can't imagine having to deal with anything like this and I can't really offer any advice, only sympathy and a hug :hug:
Hurdity x
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Thank you all for your kind and supportive words.
Feeling very down and sad tonight. I know I can't win so should just keep my mouth shut, dig deep and get on with it.
I hate this and would love to step away.....but I can't. My conscience won't let me.
I have not spoken to her. She told my sister she could not remember what she said. Ummm, yes she can as she has proved time and time again.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Not a great deal of joy that's for sure.
You are right BJ. No matter how much you try and reason with her makes no difference at all.
Honeyb
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Hi honeybun.
Just caught up with your thread.
Heres a hug from me to you, its very sad for you that your mother is behaving this way. You have shown through previous posts of your strength and resilience to events in your past. Now its time to draw on that resolve again.
Things will eventually sort themselves out and time is a healer. In the meantime your mother should probably get carers in for all the mundane and day to day care/ cleaning etc that you currently do.
You dont necessarily have to withdraw totally but this will give you much needed breathing space as you will know her needs are being met you can focus more on future activities you both might like to do that could be more enjoyable. Even knowing you can walk away anytime as things were set up for her might make it easier.
Hopefully at some point she will realise how valuable you, if she doesnt it really shouldnt matter, you dont need her validation that you are a good person your own kids and husband already know that and thats why they all love you.
Would you have accepted this toxic behaviour from a friend? I suspect not.
This is a time for you and your immediate family and to heck with the rest of them.
Take care X
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HB - Please look after you and yours, take care.
There's a limit as to what you can and should do. :hug:
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Hi HB
I can sympathize with your situation my mother is 86 and has vascular dementia she is in a nursing home were she is well looked after, she plays my siblings and myself off against each other by saying that nobody visits etc she also tells us the staff haven't fed her for days when we know she makes things up to get attention. Her illness has changed her personality, she now swears and fights with the other residents. We know that this is not really her it's just the illness.
I hope it helps a wee bit to know that a lot of your mum's behaviour might be out with her control
Hope u can sort things out
Xx
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My mother is 89 lives 150 miles away from my sister has been doing a lot for her but she dose'nt involve me at all I try to talk to her and give advise ie carers to help but when I suggested this she slammed the phone down on me saying we should all pull together ! But when I was very poorly no help was offered I have lived in my home for 21 years and my sister has only been once ! We are not that close it's always me that makes the effort too we visit at least half dozen times a year now we are not talking >:( xx
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Elderly parents can be very difficult.
I called mother this morning and she apologised for her behaviour. I told her I just could not cope with another morning like that so if she wanted me back then the wedding is off limits and I will not discuss it.
I think she has got a bit of a fright so will behave for a short while at least. I can only but hope.....
Honeyb
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Honeybun, not much I can add that hasn't already been said. I can understand your reluctance to walk away, she's your Mum after all but you do need to take more care of you if you can. Sending you :hug: :foryou:
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Honeybun I agree with Greyhoundel take care big hug too 😘 x
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Honeyb - I'me glad your mother apologised.
Hope the horrid feeling caused by her outburst yesterday has receded somewhat.
Did you speak to your sister?
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Yes Limpy I have spoken to her.
She has her own troubles. My brother-in-law is waiting on results of an MRI scan of his spine to see if he would be a suitable candidate for spinal surgery. He has trouble walking and he is just in his early 70s.
Add into that this wedding and she is struggling to cope.
She just wants mother to behave herself.
Her and me both ::)
Honeyb
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Hope you can work together in a pincer action to get your mother to behave.
Sorry about your BIL that must be very difficult for your sister.
How is the wedding coming along?
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The bride is pregnant......therein lies a lot of the problems.
Apart from that every thing in the garden is ummmm rosy.
Honeyb
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The poor girl is only trying to get married before the baby arrives, isn't it the way it always was? Tis around here.
The number of couples I've seen getting married with their toddler very much in evidence.
What will be, will be..................
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She already has a 12yr old and a 7yr old so a bit late for that me thinks.
Wedding was underway before the pregnancy. Not her best move I think but it's really none of my business and I just wish her well.
A new baby in the family will be lovely.
Honeyb
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Whatever - Hope everything goes well
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Yes me too. I have a lot of thought of what to do at her reception going round in my head.
I'm really looking forward to getting started on the plans.
Colour scheme is going to be pale lilac and white. Love her choice of that.
Honeyb
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That sounds good.
What food does she want?
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I think we have almost settled on a very swish afternoon tea. Cake options are being explored. I have a friend who makes cup cakes for a living so I might have a word with her.
Oooo lots of goodies.
Honeyb
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That sounds lovely HB. Glad your mum apologised. My mother would never do that - she just goes quiet and doesn't speak. All well today though as she has been to physio and my sister called to give her a manicure, plus the children were there so she was really happy. I just wish she would / could understand we can't do it every day. We have lives too.
Night HB , night all xx
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Ooooo Honeyb.
You will be able to have lots of lovely small tasty goodies.
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Afternoon tea sounds lovely. Before our daughter got married she and her husband to be took us and his parents out to a posh hotel for traditional English afternoon tea. It was a lovely experience :-)
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Well I went back this morning.
Mother had the hairdresser booked and she can't manage on her own. She was on such good behaviour it was funny.
Long may it last is all I can say ::)
Honeyb
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*you* phoned your mother ............. >:(
What is wrong with her sitting and having a think about what she says to people? What's wrong with implementing more care so that you can be a 'daughter' rather than a 'carer'? Time to think about you and DH! B...ger your guilt feelings. Time now that, when she is back from her hols., you and your sister thought about what will happen when push comes to shove, you might have your Mum around for another 10 years :o during which time none of us will be getting any younger ::).
NO ONE has the 'right' to abuse others which is what your Mother does to you. If anyone dared to say anything against my husband then that would be that - they would be out of my Life. I told my Mum years ago, when Dad was alive ........ which is why I am sure she praises him to the Heavens but ............ I would walk away ........ end of. I got rid of most guilt years ago ;)
My Mum had the habit of saying to me 'don't tell your sister' - went on for years++ - until I walked to the phone and dialled my sister's number, Mum never said it again. Secrets destroy lives :'( and I was well fed up with secrets - probably why I could walk away because of all the lies down the years ..........
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.. and nope, I'm not fed up hearing this ........ it's the place to vent ;) :tulips2: - pity you didn't tell me when I was 'up your way', I'd have been round ;D
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'Secrets destroy lives'
they do CLKD, yes. Before a duty visit to my grandmother I was schooled in what to tell her and what not to tell her to keep her sweet and prevent her kicking off :P. I could never remember what I had been schooled to say and usually got it wrong and let something slip. I remember the day I happened to mention we had a telephone installed at home. My parents didn't want her to know so she couldn't call them. I was never allowed to forget letting that one slip.
After the stress of dealing with the fall out of 'you don't care about me or you'd have told me' and 'after all I've done for you' I would get the brunt of it in the car on the way home for causing it by not remembering what I had been told. No wonder I am a neurotic mess really :-[
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Not great news. Mother has had a fall.
Down the steps into the back garden...at least we think it was down and not up. I suspect she has broken a bone in her hand.
She is very shaken.
She did not remember that she had an alert button around her neck.
Just back from an emergency visit. Sis and I got her sorted and into bed. She has hurt her back and her hand is swelling. I suspect we will be at hospital in the morning.
Carers are in at the moment and she is sounding much less confused.
She is not supposed to go into the garden around dinner time as she gets worse on her feet as the days goes on.
Oh great news....Well it could be a whole lot worse I guess.
Honeyb
x
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She will be very sore, anybody would after a fall like that.
Hope she is OK.
Hugs to all concerned.
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Sorry to hear about this honeybun, on top of everything else. It is always a worry - however she has behaved towards you. I hope she is comfortable.
Hurdity x
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She says her back hurts.
She has had silent fractures of her spine in the past. She definitely has osteoporosis as she has shrunk so so much.
Will see what the morning brings....or perhaps during the night ::)
Yes....I know she drives me nuts....but she is still my mum.
Honeyb
x
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Sorry to read this Honeyb. I hope she has a restful night. Are you sure she shouldn't be checked out now rather than wait until morning?
Taz x
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Well we did suggest Taz but once she sets her mind to something nothing shifts her.
She is mobile and can move every thing at the moment. The only thing she can't do is make fist and her hand was swelling quite fast.
She is very frail at night time. She would have to have an ambulance as we could not get her out the house any other way.
If it comes to that later then she will have no choice.
I will call her soon.
I really don't want to live to her age :-\
Honeyb
x
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Hope you have a peaceful night. What time do carers leave?
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They will be gone by now.
They settle her down and close up the house and make her a cuppa.
Sis is within five mins and i am 25 away. Will sleep with one ear open tonight listening to the phone. Glad it's this week and not next as sis is away.
Honeyb
x
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One thing after another ::) ............ it wouldn't be any good giving my Mum a panic button ........... she would refuse to wear it she's that stubborn >:( ....... and as for 'you should know better, you're the eldest' and 'after all we do for you' ......... >:( :-X
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How has your Mum been this week?
Is your sister enjoying her break?
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Sister back from her holiday.
Mum is ok at the moment. A bit moaney but what's new ;D.
We are off four weeks on Saturday....but who's counting
Honeyb
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Did sister have a Good Time?
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She was in Pitlochry, had great weather and loved every minute of it.
Now she is back and the wedding plans are underway.
Honeyb
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Not to be discussed with your Mum though ;)
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What's the final menu - Still swish afternoon tea?
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Yes swish afternoon tea has got the thumbs up.
Cuts down on a lot of on the day work which is good.
Honeyb
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Honeybun: You said in ahothe thread that you feel your Mum doesn't like you :-\ ……… is it your Mum rather than the 'illness' that is causing her to 'dislike' you? Or is she fed up generally?
When do you go in again?
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:-\
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For what it's worth... I watched my beloved Nana interact with my mum and her hubby. She was utterly despicable with them... It was the dementia in control. She was great with me and my dad.
It was awful to watch someone I knew to be such a loving person become a monster with the two people closest to her.
DH's Nana was always a strict but fair person. It was difficult to tell if she approved of/liked me or not. However when dementia got a grip on her, I realised she had actually liked me. Hubby's Nana had been such a lady all her life (with very high standards) and to hear the vim and vitriol she spat out at everyone was very distressing.
Reading your threads HB, it seems your mum was a challenge when she was herself and is now even more of a challenge now she's older.... I know from watching my Mum that it is the toughest thing to deal with.
:hug:
Galadriel x
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I am almost through reading a book about Magnuss Magnesson's wife who had gradual on-set dementia and it is a very good read, not morbid really and Sally as a journalist can step back a bit. She has written the book 'directed' at her Mum through this sad time. How the dementia takes over and how scary her Mum felt at times being 'lost' and 'shut away' ……. singing and music helped keep a sense of humour.
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My mother is awkward. She was very spoiled by my dad over the years and when he died quite young she was lost for a while, but returned expecting to be just as spoiled. My sis and I fell into that and did what was required to keep her happy. We had a few years peace when she married again but again was spoiled. She did not treat her second husband well at all.
She was not a monster, she spoiled my kids and was a great gran when they were young. She was also good to me, she bought me my little dog as when my last one passed I couldn't afford another at the time. So yes she was kind at times......but there were terms. Jump when she said, run, when she said.
She does not like me now. She tells me I'm hard, cold and unfeeling. That hurts. What hubby says, is, she can no longer call the shots with me because I have changed my priorities and can say ..NO.
She wants more than I can give. My hubby, as all of you know, has health problems and I need to be with him.
He, whilst he is feeling well, wants to go on holidays and just do things together. Our kids are independent now, and he wants us to spread our wings. I can't say no to that, so mother feels as if I neglect her.
It's such a difficult situation. My sister told me that I can love our mother but don't have to like her and that hits the nail on the head.
I do what I do out of duty, and not a lot else.
Awful situation to be honest.
Honeybun
X
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It is sad to feel like a continual carer and not a loved daughter. It's difficult to separate what is manipulative behaviour, old habits or due to the gradual decline in your Mum's health.
Take the opportunity of going with DH though ;) ……… if only your Mum was pleased for you she could enjoy your tales on your return but she is where she wants to be …….. old habits die hard!
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I haven't been a loved daughter for many years.
Again sis and I have discussed this.....my mother is no longer capable of being a mother. She is simply too old. Everything that happens....her first response is to question how it will affect her.
I'm used to it now and it really doesn't trouble me very much at all.
This is how it is and it will now remain the same.
She is not my favourite person, but I will keep on doing what I do because it's the right thing.
When the time comes my conscience will be clear as I always do the best I can.
Honeybun
X
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Sally found that her Mum became cross because she was no longer able to 'do stuff' - even getting dressed or reading, remembering names or where she was - but inside, during the few lucid moments, she got angry because she suddenly remembered that she could no longer 'do' …… I will probably finish the book in the bath later.
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Completely identify with what you are saying HB x
My mother is 76 and basically vascular dementia has changed her so much. It's very difficult to deal with and in reality my situation could continue for decades. I don't have good health and I want to live a bit before it's too late. Horrible choice to have to make :(
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My sister told me that I can love our mother but don't have to like her and that hits the nail on the head.
That is such a true, sensible and helpful thing to say.
Your sister must be feeling it too HB, hasn't her OH got health issues.
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Maybe reading Sally Magnussen's book might give an insight ???
Give me the strength to accept those things I am unable to change?
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Hi groundhog. You have my real understanding and sympathy with your mum's diagnosis as my own mum had this type of dementia. Although you feel that you may be in this situation for many years this will probably not be the case. Because vascular dementia is caused by poor blood flow usually as a side effect of heart disease or some kind of circulation problem, then life expectancy is not great and certainly not decades. It's not like some of the other dementias where the sufferer can go on for years and years gradually declining. I believe it's around four years from diagnosis in most cases. My mum lived for two years after she was finally diagnosed but it was four years really from when we first began to notice a change in personality. I was very grateful, for her, that the illness was relatively short-lived.
Taz x :hug:
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How was Mother yesterday, interested in your time away - at all?
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;D, she never asked, although to be fair she did ask when I called her during the week.
Same old mother im afraid. I walk in, she looks at me and then takes her frustrations out on me.
Hey ho, I hardly listen anymore. I simply can't be bothered.
Honeybun
X
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It's because they don't see anyone else that they feel 'safe' enough to vent *at* >:( ……. Mother is the same …….. but I don't need it ...
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Oh me neither.
Her latest complaint is very few of her carers know how to make Horlicks ::). I have suggested hot chocolate instead as everyone can make that. She says she will give that a go but I'm fully prepared for the....I don't like hot chocolate conversation.
We have spent a long time today talking about Horlicks. ::)
Honeybun
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I hadn't realised anybody liked Horlicks ::)
Well, you live and learn ;D
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I thought that Horlicks :sick02: went out with the Ark ;D
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I feel your pain my late mum was like that she would say the most nasty things about me and my sister and brothers partners then when we told she other she would make up some excuse or she wasn't feeling well when she said it.but a lot of it hurt I have made mistakes in my life hasn't everyone but to keep getting it rubbed in your face.i think in the end she was bitter and angry over her life and the things she should have done. big hugs to you
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My mother is awkward. She was very spoiled by my dad over the years and when he died quite young she was lost for a while, but returned expecting to be just as spoiled. My sis and I fell into that and did what was required to keep her happy.
It's such a difficult situation. My sister told me that I can love our mother but don't have to like her and that hits the nail on the head.
I do what I do out of duty, and not a lot else.
Awful situation to be honest.
Honeybun
X
I just wanted to say that your mother sounds a lot like mine - in my case my Dad and I had to do what she wanted otherwise she threw massive tantrums (and crockery!) so we just fell into doing what she wanted to keep the peace. I definitely understand the loving but not liking, and doing stuff out of duty. Fortunately I came to my senses when I moved away and discovered that not everyone behaved like she did, and I started to say No - it wasn't well received and she tried to guilt me into all sorts, but over time it was accepted.
From your threads you are doing everything you can for your mother, and more than a lot of people would so you shouldn't feel guilty about prioritising your husband and yourself.
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So now the ceiling needs painting ……… :whist: ………. you won't be offering then? ;)
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Did your Mum get over the fact that you didn't go because of roadworks? Or did she moan a bit …….
When's your next trip there?
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OK - so you are in charge ? do keep us up to speed on her moods etc. ;)
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She got her new hearing aids yesterday.
She told me today they make her feel there is nothing but space between her ears ;D.
Then she asked me how I thought they were working....well I'm not wearing them am I ::).
Set to be an interesting week.
Honeyb
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Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but ;D
Good luck!
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;D - how was she this morning?
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I'm not there until tomorrow. She didn't mention the hearing aids today so she must be getting used to them.
I await other daft comments though. It's trying not to laugh that's the key.
She is increasingly doing ditsy things though. Nothing drastic but amusing at times. The other morning when I arrived she was in the bedroom getting dressed. I called out I would put the kettle on and headed for the kitchen. She came through a few minutes later wearing a jumper and a pair of thermal leggings. I thought she was through to fetch something before putting her trousers on, but no she sat down and waited for her tea. I asked eventually if she was going to get dressed. She said no she was dressed. What about your trousers says me. I've got them on she says...ummm...no you haven't. She thought the thermals were trousers ;D. She was dispatched to get properly dressed. Goodness only knows how long it would have taken for the penny to drop if I hadn't been there.
Fun times ::)
Honeyb
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Did it matter though?
Looking forwards to hearing how the week pans out ;)
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It really mattered CLKD ;D. She was going around in her underwear. Trust me, not a pretty sight. ::)
Honeyb
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;D ……….
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How was Mum this morning?
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Well here we go again.
Slipped disc in my back says....don't do anything that hurts. So.....that's housework out except for cooking and a bit of ironing. The GP was very insistent that I take care of this or I'm heading for trouble in the future.
So......my mother is going to have to get someone in for just a few weeks to do the cleaning and bed changing, hoovering bathroom cleaning ....well the list goes on.
Mother is kicking off big time......what on earth is wrong with saying it's not an issue until I'm better. Things happen, I'm human and I'm in pain. Actually sitting in the car to get there is a challenge at the moment.
I understand she doesn't like change but oh heck.
As I said, here we go again.....oh and hubby is furious with her attitude.
Honeyb
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It's horrible isn't it HB - the complete lack of empathy. I remember when I was in intensive care following the bowel perforation, they told my mother I was very poorly to which she replied ' that's my lift to town gone for a while '. I know in her case it's probably the dementia but yes it hurts and yes my OH was furious.
But as we've all said before you have to look after yourself and by the sounds of it it would be dangerous for you to do anything heavy, so please put yourself first. It really isn't worth the risk especially with a slipped disk xx
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As I said, here we go again.....oh and hubby is furious with her attitude.
HB - Would you hubby have a word with her, how would you feel about that?
How is your sister about this, I know she has her own problems but surely she must understand..........
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She is a tiny little old lady and my hubby is a big man.....she would be intimidated and I don't want that Limpy. He keeps out of things at my request.
Yes my sister understands this time but is not prepared to do anymore so therefore outside help will have to be brought in.
I really didn't expect anything different but yes it still hurts......silly old woman can't see further than the end of her own nose.
It's not forever, just till I'm fitter. Heck it's going to be fun in the morning and I'm not fit for this.
But for once I'm sticking to my guns.....help will have to be brought in because I simply can't do it at the moment.
Honeyb
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I know you don't want to intimidate your Mum, but she doesn't seem to mind intimidating you.........
But, a slipped disc is a slipped disc, it's non negotiable.
Surely your Mother will understand that.
As you say, help will have to be brought in.
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Ouch HB, definitely time to take care of you. My mum slipped a disc once, gardening of all things. She had to take it easy for about 4 weeks.
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My DH would have his say regardless ………. he would be gently firm about it all ;)
This is the time, when you really can't 'do' 4 your Mum, to get the extra help in, by the time your back has improve: which could take months in reality: she'll be well used to it ;)
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Perhaps a blessing in disguise HB. It will give you time to rationalise how much work you do for your mum and for her to realise it as well. It may work out for the best as she will have to get used to a 'stranger' doing things for her. It cannot be easy for you to look after 2 houses with your own family. Perhaps now is the time to ease out of some of the work you do for your mum.
Hope your back isn't giving you too much gyp.
Bramble
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Now there's a word I haven't heard for ages: 'gyp' ::) - does what it says on the tin that one!
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Still sore, I think this is going to take a while.
Absolutely dreading mother's this morning. I really wish my sister hadn't said anything to her until we had something worked out. Oh well, just have to face it I guess.
My mother has always liked things her own way but this time she is going to have to accept that no amount of shouting or temper loosing is actually going to change the situation at the moment.
Honeyb
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Good Luck - if she 'starts' walk out! Sit in the car and then go back and explain that this is how it is going to be. Point out that carers won't put up with any flack ! ;)
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Well the morning went as I expected.....pretty awful. I left early ::)
She says she will manage the housework herself.....will see how long that lasts. About five minutes I would think.
Her and my sister can sort that out as I've said what I can't and won't do until my back is better so it's up to them who does it.
Honeyb
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Stick to your guns HB - you really need to take care of that back until it is fully recovered, not just until you 'can manage'.
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Your back looks to remain sore for a few weeks then ;)
When's sister back? Your Mum will do what sort of housework I wonder, in her memory maybe.
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Sis back tomorrow...oh thank you God.
I was told today that.
I am a thief......I stole her house....ummm....I bought it ::)
There was something wrong with my mind and I was going funny and needed to see a doctor.
I did not have a sore back I was imagining it and should go to a doctor.
I wasn't to go to her funeral
She hated me
She was going to burn the house down.
A fun filled morning as you all can gather.
Honeyb
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:-X ……… when does Sis take over exactly? Hurtful words: ? : because your Mum is cross and finds herself between a rock and a hard place. However, getting ratty at you won't endear her to you ::) anymore than mine did in November: I thought she was going to smack my face she was so cross at issues surrounding her fall I think had DH not entered the room I would have been sporting a black eye :o
The more my Mum is nasty the more I am determined that she will find herself relying on 'friends' and neighbours ;)
When do you go back there Honeybun?
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Sunday CLKD.....I just left after an hour after doing her pills for the week and cooking her a couple of dinners ::)
She is just a silly old woman who thinks if she shouts loud enough everything will remain the same. Well it won't this time as I simply can't do the housework.
Her and my sis will have to work it out between them. Up to them. They know what I can do and more importantly what I can't.
My mother is very small these days so if she hit me I would have a bruised knee ;D
Honeyb
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Oh heck Honeyb.
Which bit of, your Dr said you have a slipped disc was unclear?
Well done you for being so patient.
I know you don't want your hubby to have a a word with your Mum, but could he do it very very gently?
If not him somebody else, would your Son do it, she likes him doesn't she?
I'me sorry to nag but it must be so wearing for you when she doesn't listen.
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sometimes our older generation get scared of change especially if they can't understand it or are worried what it will mean for them and you do have to be so very patient. I can be a bit like this at my age and have been known to shout at times ::)
However your mother sounds like a different case, so very like my paternal grandmother, and it is emotional bullying to try and control a situation they don't feel in control of. In my grandmother's case it was also coupled with longstanding mental issues - paranoia and narcissism - so my poor mother didn't stand a chance with her. It was her mother in law too and there was no love lost. My father just stuck his head in the sand and was clueless how to deal with it so he would toddle off to the bookshop and leave mum to weather the storms >:(.
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Sunday 2-morrow ;)
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Oh heck, don't remind me ::)
Honeyb
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It's OK - Sis will deal with it ;) - you are resting 2morrow!
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Eh nope, I'm going to mothers.....cooking to be done.....moaning to be listened to ???
Honeyb
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Borrow some headphones and learn a language while there? or get some fluffy ear-muffs :D
Sis takes over when?
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That's up to her and mother. I've said what I can do until I feel better. What doesn't get done gets left.
Sis never house works for mother at any time....that's what I'm for it would seem ::)
Honeyb
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Bugga - not any more though? Time to step back ………. do you cook the meals you've prepared in the microwave and serve?
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How was she this morning?
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She has accepted that a cleaner is being brought in for a couple of weeks so that's an improvement.
The morning was quite quiet which was good.
I cook the meals there CLKD, they are then cling filmed, cooled and frozen. She brings out what she wants in the morning and then heats up in the microwave. Ready meals but homemade ::)
It's what she is used to although her diet is quite limited as her digestive system is not what it was.
We get there ::)
Glad to be home now though.
Honeyb
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That sounds like a definite improvement.
Have you got a cleaner lined up?
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Sis is calling mothers care agency in the morning as they provide cleaners. They are all vetted so we will have no worries about that.
It won't be for that long, a few weeks at most then we can get to normal....or what passes for normal in my family ::)
Honeyb
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It can be for as long as is necessary! Time to begin stepping back and becoming a daughter again ;). If someone else can do the cleaning then so be it and after 2 weeks hopefully your Mum will be used to it.
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Do you feel guilty that you can't 'do' for mum at the moment honeybun. Has she made you feel that way?
I agree with CLKD on this one, you are her daughter, not the carer or her cleaner or her punchbag x
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The trouble is if I don't "do" for her she will become demanding in other ways.
Its a way of life for me. It's not a recent thing although it has increased as she has got older. I have been doing something for the last 13 years.
We get through the next few weeks then back to normal.
I don't know how to do it any other way to be honest.
Honeyb
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Honeyb, Do you still have to do the heavy cleaning type stuff, couldn't you just go and see her and do lighter things like sort her meals and tablets out........
Then you could do daughter type things.
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Yes kind of thinking that might be a good idea. All depends of course on how she gets on with the cleaner ;D
Honeyb
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You would still be seeing her and doing the lighter things.
Your slipped disc may be a hint to do less of the heavy stuff.
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Honeybun Life isn't static! What other demands could your Mother make? If her cleaning is being done, she has regular carers in to help: apart from cooking :-\
This is your chance to get a new Life and step back! Hopefully both you and she will appreciate the extra help ;)
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from what I have seen of slipped discs once they slip they can slip again and eventually rupture. Of course it is your choice if you want to risk this but it seems a shame not to heed a clear warning that it could be time to delegate more and take care of you x
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What are they shouting at *you* for ::)
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Oh heavens, here we go again.
Mother has decided there are to be no more strangers in her house. Her carers have told her they will change the bed and she wants a lightweight Hoover so she can do some light housework herself.
Sister has called and screamed at me that she wants no more to do with organising a cleaner. She thinks I told mother that she didn't need to have one. You just couldn't make it up even if you tried.
:-\
Honeyb
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HB - I've not really got involved with this before as it's impossible for anyone outside a situation to understand the dynamics and the pressures. But enough is enough.
Contact Social Services and your mum's doctor and fully explain the situation to them - tell them, in no uncertain terms, that you CANNOT do anything physical to help your mum, but that your mum is being awkward and won't allow 'strangers'.
Calmly pass on what is said to your sister, remind her (as subtly or unsubtly as necessary) that you physically cannot do it, that your back is precious and if you don't take care of it the present situation will become permanent.
Then step back. You say your hubby is supportive, but less than subtle when dealing with people who just don't 'get' it - so let him deal with them for a while. If you mum kicks off, let him tell her how it is, if your sister gets unreasonble, pass him the phone.
My dad had a laminectomy and 4 vertebrae fused when he was 32 - the surgery worked and he was mobile until he was taken from us by cancer ... but he drummed into me a respect for back pain and back care that few around me seem to share - too often, niggles and even severe pain are brushed off as 'nothing' and people who take time off work to allow back injuries to heal are called malingerers. You CANNOT play fast and loose with your back - listen to what it is telling you.
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Did you put down the phone? When my sister 'starts' that's what I do, it really did get easier ;D ......... no reaction, put phone down and walk away. We hve an answer machine so for a while I let all calls go there ;)
They won't be strangers once they have visited a few times :-X
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I am so sorry honeybun, I have respect for you and, as scampi said, no one outside can appreciate the dynamics of a family situation. It is not really our business but in making this thread you involved us and asked for input.
This is my 2 pennyworth and I apologise if I am out of order but your mother is being allowed to call the shots by throwing tantrums and has you scuttling in all directions trying to please her and keep the peace.
I have seen all that you describe and more with my own grandmother and I saw my mother's health and marriage, and also my childhood and growing up, damaged by it. No one has the right to do this to their loved ones and there is no love behind it except perhaps for themselves. Love does not treat people like this.
My grandmother had a hold over my parents and I only found out what it was as I grew older. What hold does your mother have over you honeybun because she doesn't treat you as a mother who has any love for her daughter.
I am so sorry if I offend you but this is rousing emotions and anger in me.
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Honeyb - Scampi has said it all.
You CAN'T do the cleaning, not if you want to preserve your back.
Your Mum and Sister don't want cleaners in, fine, let them get on with it.
You've said you don't want your husband intimidating your small frail Mum.......... :-\
It could be useful if he had a word with your Sister. It seems like your Mum has been unchallenged for ever, now seems to be a good time to start really looking out for yourself.
It's your back, it matters, look after it. Please get your husband to deal with your Sister and your Mum.
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Maybe a Plan of Campaign before the next 'phone call ;) - my sister kept upsetting me (she is narcissistic like Mum) so I decided that if she 'started' when phoning I would put down the phone. Works. We only contact each other via letters now (she doesn't have a computer ::)) which suits me fine. No pressure. No angry words.
I have a friend: almost an ex at one point >:( : who when I told her that I felt anxious still wouldn't put the phone down and if I did, she would ring straight back. I no longer visit with her because she kept finding stuff to talk about …… if I see her in the street I have an excuse ready if she keeps me talking :-\
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when push comes to shove it is sad but it becomes a case of 'them or us'. In the end mum's GP intervened as it was killing my mum and my father wouldn't confront his mother or put my mum first. The authorities thought mum and dad should look after the old
witch woman but mum's doctor said categorically no as mum had her own health problems.
In the end my father died and mum was left with responsibility for her mother in law. Social services got involved and grandma went to a geriatric hospital and then on to a nursing home. She kicked and spat and screamed and shook her little fists at everyone but she didn't get her own way and eventually order was restored. Mum cried out of sheer relief the day my grandmother died.
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thank you sparkle x.
I know this is honeybun's thread but I just wanted to put my point across as it is difficult to see when you are caught up in it. I do hope she won't be offended by my comments
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Poor Hb, you are being pulled betwixt and between. But remember, whatever you decide we are here for you. Just do the best you can. And look after yourself. We are all rooting for you and the advice you have been given is sensible. But it is so difficult for you to put yourself first for once I know. But this is the time. Honest! Your back needs you!
Bramble
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I have said what I can do, but more importantly what I can't. And what I can't will be left not done. I know my mother is trying to pressurise me into the heavier stuff and I'm just not going to do it.
I want my back to get better and I'm not letting her or my sister tell me otherwise.
As my 20yr old daughter said today.....where is the sympathy for you in all this mum.
My sister is not speaking to me...b***red if I know why and mother thinks she has won.....well she will learn differently when I go tomorrow and don't do what she wants.
Hubby is so p***d off, if I let him loose on mother or sister things would be said that could never be taken back. Not sure I'm ready for that. He has no love or respect for either and sees them about twice a year....less if he can manage it.
This will sound awful but mother is 93, how long can this go on for.....so I want my conscience to be clear when the time comes.
That probably only makes any sense in my head :-\
Honeyb
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Sadly I can't be of any help HB , but I can send you a big hug :bighug: (http://:bighug:) and some pretty flowers :foryou: (http://:foryou:)
Your situation sounds awful, so much angst in your life.
I do hope things get better for you, with Mother , sister and your back
PN x x
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My life could be tranquil if they just left me alone.
Thanks for the hug PN.
Honeyb
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Thanks Sparkle.
I'm just tired of it all and very worn down.
Honeyb
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As my 20yr old daughter said today.....where is the sympathy for you in all this mum.
My sister is not speaking to me...b***red if I know why and mother thinks she has won.....well she will learn differently when I go tomorrow and don't do what she wants.
This will sound awful but mother is 93, how long can this go on for.....so I want my conscience to be clear when the time comes.
Honeyb - Your daughter is right, you really do need sympathy too.
When you go tomorrow could she go with you to provide emotional support?
Failing that, your husband, as long as he promises just to look after you and not to spook your Mum.
It's not a short drive and may be fraught at the other end, you need support.
You mention that she is 93, the late Queen Mother lived till she was 101................
Hope something gets sorted for you :hug:
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:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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When someone is tired they don't make good decisions.
Take note of what is said here and keep it in the back of your mind when next at your Mum's ;) ……. do what you feel able to do and if your Mum whittles on then leave ……. go into the car and take some deep breaths. Go back to finish if you need to or drive home. Once the extra help is instigated you can step back. If your sister isn't speaking, so what. Get better at putting down the phone …………
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HB - needing to have a clear conscience makes perfect sense, and I hope my comments didn't offend or upset you - that really wasn't the intention.
You have, and are, doing a remarkable job with your Mum - no-one could do more. Just take care of YOU in all this xx
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:thankyou:
I don't know what I would do without the help of you all. It brings things into perspective and stops me feeling I must be a really bad person feeling the way I do.
Off again this morning early as I have to leave earlier. Hubby has hospital appointment and this is big results day. Tummy turning somersaults already.
Honeyb
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Best of luck HB, hope the results are good. You deserve some good news
:bighug: (http://:bighug:)
PN x x
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I totally agree and you will be in my thoughts today. I also hope I didn't overstep the mark with my comments about my grandmother xx
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When we are close we can be too close sometimes ;)
Let us know how both appts. went :)
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This morning went ok as the hairdresser was there......but apart from that ::)
Hubby news is wonderful, results clear and now not back for 6 months. Think we are both quite stunned and everything else that has being going on has paled into insignificance.
Honeyb
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So So pleased to hear your good news Honeybun.
:cancan: :hapij: :cheer: :cancan:
You mentioned your Mum was quieter this morning, another result!
Will you mention to your Sister that you didn't tell your Mother that she didn't need a cleaner?
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Yay!! Fantastic HB, great news for you both. So all you both went through was worth it. Well done
:ola:
:spin:
PN x x
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Woohoo! About time you had something to celebrate. :parti:
Galadriel x
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Really pleased for you both, Honeybun! :)
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:yipi:
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Really pleased to hear your good news.
Sending you love
Thorntrees
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:thankyou:
My glass is currently full..in more ways than one.... :drunk: ;D
Honeybun
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Great news HB. 🍷🍷🍷
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so pleased to hear you got good news
:ola:
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Great newds HB. Congrats to you and your hubby!
Bramble
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That's brilliant news HB :) xxx
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:banana: great news
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Hello honeybun and pleased that you have received good news.
Wishing you well.
K.