Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: SueRoe on August 17, 2014, 03:39:49 PM
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Has anyone else found themselves with a complete lack of libido? I love my husband dearly and he's been so patient with our lack of sex but I don't think he can wait for ever, poor guy, and I don't think he understands that it's not him it's sex that I don't want. Quite frankly I'd rather do the ironing than get all hot and sweaty in the bedroom (or anywhere else for that matter). Is it "normal" to lose all interest in sex at this time of our lives? And do we re-gain interest when we (eventually) come out the other side?
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Yep. Nope. I lost my libedo 17 months in our marriage. We've had to use ways and means, now to stop my guilt I go with the flow and often I feel 'good' enough to enjoy it. Your husband will never understand so in order to stop guilt and all the whys and wherefores, you need to get on with it. Use lots of lube, lay back and think of ………. George Clooney?
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Your husband sounds as lovely as mine. Communication is vital, so that he knows it's not about him. I started to avoid close contact as I couldn't face intercourse. By talking, we decided to take sexual intercourse off the menu, enabling me to be physically loving without fear of leading on him on. This has made a huge difference and we are so much closer. My testosterone levels are very low and I have been using testosterone alongside HRT, but as yet this has not made any difference. I have been using the minimum amount, but have upped it, so we shall see.
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Freda - It might be worth printing the advice for husbands thread
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Absolutely normal to lose libido during meno. Mine went completely. It does return though but it takes a while
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How old were you gilaray when your's returned? Is there still hope for me at 60?? :-\
Taz x
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…….. mine didn't return but by using soft porn, imagination etc. ;)
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Hi
With me it's about how I feel about my body. I have put 2 stone on over the last few years. This has made me feel unattractive, therefore I don't want sex.....
Last February I lost a little weight and I started to feel attractive, this made me feel sexy again. I have put that weight on again so I'm back on my diet. Also without being too personal I always think I'm a bit wiffy (always cleansing myself) this is something I read is quite common during meno.
I do think men need sex more than women and so buy some sexy undies, get defluffed, sexy music and a bottle of wine and think of ?????
Remember sex drive is all about imagination, so use it ;)
Good luck W
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We had this conversation also on another thread. Was it "to do it or not to do it"? Interesting subject anyway. Difference between loss of libido and loss of orgasmic capabilities makes a difference too.
Taz x
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But save the bottle of wine until after, otherwise back to square one! ;)
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Mine was hormonal because at certain times of the month I was rampant ;)
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Your husband will never understand
This sounds like a very judgemental statement. You don't know this person, he may understand, given time.
you need to get on with it.
lay back and think of ………
I feel I've been transported back to the Victorian era. Are these suggestions supposed to be helpful and supportive? Really?
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It does sound odd if you haven't experienced that sometimes, in order to keep our much loved husbands/partners happy, even if we are getting absolutely no sexual stimulation or interest from making love we do have to just get on with it in order to show them our love so the "lay back and think of George Clooney" is one way of trying to stimulate sexual appetite. It is not an easy thing to do but necessary. It is so sad when all sexual feeling is lost even though you still love the person so deeply and not something that many men will understand. I have had a lot of experience in both of how I feel and also of how the husbands of women who no longer seem to want them feel too.
I'm sure CLKD didn't mean it to be taken in a helpless little woman context.
Taz x
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My husband and I are proof that you can have a fulfilling, loving relationship without sexual intercourse, for the last few years. We are intimate, but to quote my husband sexual intercourse would be the icing on the cake, but he's not hankering after it. Now if the testosterone works......now that would be interesting! ;)
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Your husband will never understand
This sounds like a very judgemental statement. You don't know this person, he may understand, given time.
you need to get on with it.
lay back and think of ………
I feel I've been transported back to the Victorian era. Are these suggestions supposed to be helpful and supportive? Really?
Think CLKDs just saying it like she's found it.
My OH said he understood when I went off things, didn't stop him feeling hurt and frustrated.
Being supportive goes two ways, applies to us in respect of husbands as well.
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This is clearly one of those subjects where feelings run quite high. No-one has actually used the word "duty" but that is what some are implying. I agree that women have fought for a long time to get away from the idea that they should "lie back and think of England". However, there's no avoiding the fact that men and women often have different libidos. I just hope that once all this meno stuff is over I'll want to have sex more than I'll want to sleep! It's reassuring to know, thank you, that not wanting sex is probably just another side-effect of perimenopause and probably temporary. Oh joy.
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Fingers crossed then! For some it's a side effect of peri menopause and for others it's sadly a fact that once hormone levels dip then the sexual response is no longer triggered. Very sad when it happens and not something that anyone prepares us for. I used to listen to older guys in the pub who were bemoaning the fact that their wives no longer wanted to have sex and think that the women were being very selfish in no longer wanting to share a love life with their husbands but I really didn't understand that they were probably no longer experiencing any sexual pleasure. I'm glad I made the most of mine while I had it!!
Taz x
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For me it is just the fact that it is so painful :'(
Suffering from LS really puts the mockers on a fulfilling sex life.
I am due to go for a smear test, but know it will be a painful experience.
So it is not just menopause that causes lack of libido, it is other things as well. :(
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Freda
It is not a peri-meno thing and if you have lost it then it is likely to be permanent. Not what you wanted to hear - but with the dramatic loss of oestrogen and the decline of testosterone (more gradually) with age - this is the unfortunate side effect.
Gilaray - you must be unusual - I really have to work at mine but fortunately can still reach the big O (less big these days) with a little concentration in the right direction, if we do partake ;D. However I would quite happily go without it for ever! Very sad I agree.
Hurdity x
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I'm 56 and been through the menopause for around 2 years. About 18 months ago I lost my libido completely. I've tried everything from HRT, testosterone cream, and alternative remedies, all to no avail. My husband and I have only been together 2 years, and
married 6 months, and he just doesn't understand. It causes so much stress, and feel so guilty. I honestly think it will cause the end of our marriage.
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So sorry Jeano, as it's so early in your marriage. All you can do is to explain that you haven't gone off him emotionally, but the lack of libido is out of your control and print off info from this website. My husband and I cuddle a lot, but have not had sexual intercourse for ages. Once we accepted it was too difficult at the moment, it has freed us up to be loving in other ways, without fear of it leading to sexual intercourse. We are so much more relaxed and comfortable with each other.
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Sometimes I think our stage of life in general has a lot to do with this. For example caring for elderly relatives or putting children through university. The stresses on relationships are immense now, and feeling like making love is not going to happen that often when you add in the hormonal roller coaster that is menopause. Last year my mother was in and out of hospital and it was absolutely shattering, as I was also trying to support the last of my 4 children through university.
My experience has always been that if you remove all the layers of stress, even for a few hours or days it can brings things back. A holiday alone, a day away even - just somewhere without responsibilities to be a couple again. It recreates that feeling of youth when everything was carefree, like a toddler splashing in puddles in red wellies.
Yes there are all the problems associated with menopause and libido, but there is so much more to endure at this stage of life that cripples relationships and removes that down time so crucial for intimacy.
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I agree Machair but it's a shame that men's brains aren't wired the same as they too are going through the same stress as regards ailing parents and children at uni but in a lot of cases it doesn't seem to affect libido at all!
Taz x
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I love my husband but I don't actually fancy him so that doesn't help really coupled with his low libido and ED. At least neither of us are keen so we are evenly balanced but it does seem a shame.