Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: choc57 on August 06, 2014, 05:01:20 PM
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I posted on here until very recently. I'd had a really bad time with hot flushes and depression. This last year I put my husband through it. My moods were dreadful. I went on Elleste Duet 1mg in February and noticed an improvement but still my moods were bad.
5 weeks ago my husband who was the love of my life. We'd been together for 35 years and we were still so very much in love despite my rantings, died suddenly in the middle of the night of a sudden cardiac arrest. It was totally unexpected. He exercised, ate healthily, didn't smoke and drank very little alcohol. It has been an enormous shock to myself and children and I can't imagine life without him.
My menopausal symptoms disappeared as soon as he died.
The reason I'm telling you this is please if you have a partner who you treasure, cherish him. My menopausal symptoms were nothing compared with this. I felt sorry for myself, thought the menopause was the worst thing in the world. It wasn't. I've now got to live with myself for putting my husband through a horrible year and what was to be our last year. He was 58.
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So sorry to hear your sad news choc57! What a shock for all of you. Don't feel bad about your last year, hindsight is a wonderful thing. None of us know what may happen to our loved ones. I'm sure he wouldn't want you beating yourself up over it. After all we are in marriage, for better or for worse, in sickness & in health. Please be kind to yourself. We are all here to give you whatever support you need. :hug:
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Ah choc57, I so feel for you. I hope you will eventually hold on to the good memories that made your marriage so good. I'll bet anything that your husband understood and would not want you regretful or unhappy. Nothing you did caused his arrest. It's usually genetic. I was a heart nurse and so often that was the reason given. Let yourself grieve without guilt as you did not get menopausal stuff by choice. My husband of many years, almost forty, died of a brain tumor almost two years ago and I just want to share that it will get much more bearable. I still 'talk' to Don to feel the strength that I know he would give me.
Life goes on and you and your children will honor your husband by living as well as you can.
Thank you for the reminder to cherish those we love. You will be in my thoughts. Hang in there. I'm so sorry.
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I am so sorry too choc57, its what we all dread, Trey has expressed so well what I and all of us who read your post will feel and want to convey to you.
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So sorry to hear this Choc57. Although it is really tough right now how wonderful that you had such a long and loving relationship which lots of people never find.
I'm sure your husband knew that you loved him very much.
Taz x
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:'( ……… it is something I DREAD. Did your husband get up the loo in the early hours: before he died?
Guilt will be present, it usually is - talk to others in the family about all your feelings. Guild included. It's part of grieving. Also, take time to sit quietly with your thoughts, together with the children. Keeping a journal can be useful too, where you can vent.
Eventually you will be able to get photos out and go over the times you shared together. Grieving has no time scale. Feel what is 'right' for you.
{{ Choc and family }}
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So so sorry to hear your sad news Choc57.
I'me sure your husband knew how much you loved him.
Trey has said it all beautifully, anything else seems superfluous.
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I send you love. And yes, I do cherish my husband and best friend. Ju Ju xx
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I too wish to say how sorry I am to read of your husband's death.
Your husband was cherished by you and he knew that, how lovely.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
LFS
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I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure that you had so many more good days over your 35 years.
Cherish your precious memories.
Honeyb
x
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Such sad news, my deepest sympathy to you and your family.
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Am so very sorry to hear your sad news. xx
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I am really sorry for your loss and we do take things for granted. My husband has also been a rock for me. Thinking of you and your family x
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So sad truly sorry big hugs for you and your family . Xx
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Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. Yes CLKD he had just been to the loo....what made you ask? He came back to bed at 2.15, for some reason I reached over and looked at his watch and we chatted briefly. Only 10 minutes later his heart stopped. This may be unsettling for some to read so don't read on if it might upset you.
I was woken at 2.30 by what I now know to be agonal breathing. It was an incredibly loud noise and I feel traumatised just thinking about it. It was like very very loud snoring. I was told that his heart had already stopped and it was his brain trying to get his body to breathe. He looked completely peaceful. At first I agonised over whether he'd been in pain and why hadn't I woken up but I now believe he knew nothing about it.
No I don't believe I'm to blame. His own father died at 54 of a sudden heart attack and my boys are being checked out for any hereditary problems.
I just wish I hadn't wasted precious time during the last 12 months. If only I'd known. But you just don't ever imagine something like this will happen. I'd only recently lost my dad and he'd been such a support to me. His own granddad lived to be 99 and I really thought we'd have another 20 to 30 years together :(
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I will give you one answer, but this is so sensitive and I only answer as it might be good info to discuss with your physician and then your children. If one holds their breath and bears down, as in having a somewhat forceful bowel movement, it is possible, in susceptible persons, to dislodge a clot, or create an irregular heart rhythm and other related changes to the heart. It is called a commode coronary. The holding of breath and bearing down is called the Valsalva maneuver and this maneuver is used on purpose for some medical situations.
This is not to say this is what happened and again I repeat, I only write this as it is possible it may help your children.
I looked for all the clues I missed in Don's brain tumor and as a registered nurse, I beat myself up. In the end I was the one to insist on a brain scan, but it did no good for me to feel, 'what if'? Please, please don't take on anymore pain, but I do know that answers help and the idea it might prevent further harm help, too.
I know you asked CLKD. Hope you don't mind my chiming in.
If I can help in any way, please feel free to pm me.
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Thanks Trey, but it was just a wee. I do know what caused it as he had a PM.
It was artery atherosclerosis but he'd had no symptoms. Apparently it was severe in one artery and totally unexpected for someone of his age and fitness which is why the heart specialist has asked for my sons to be checked out. So far nothing has been found but they're going to be checked annually. Thank you x
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The exact same thing happened to my cousins husband. She is a nurse and she tried everything she knew to help him but as you already very sadly know there is nothing that anyone could have done.
My cousins husband was 32 and their baby girl was only 2.
She never knew her daddy.
Day at a time for now.
Take care.
Honeyb
x
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Oh that's dreadful honeybun, so very sad.
Yes it seems that only 5% survive even with CPR and there's a high chance of some brain damage which would have been dreadful x
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Little steps choc. :hug:
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So sorry for your loss. Your post means alot and it is so very true; today your post has stopped me in my tracks as I am guilty of moaning on in self pity about menopause. Thank you for your post it puts things into perspective and is a very valuable message! I can't even imagine how you must feel but hope things become easier with time.
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Hello choc57.
I've just read your post and I am so sorry for your loss.
You say that the pm found evidence of arterial atherosclerosis, could this have been due to undiagnosed high cholesterol? I mention this because my friends husband was found to have this after he had a heart attack at 52, he had no symptoms and was fit and healthy with a good diet. It was discovered that he had a genetic predisposition to high cholesterol, two of his children were found to have inherited the condition and are being successfully treated with statins. I hope you don't mind me mentioning all this but it may be of help to your sons.
Once again I send you my condolences and best wishes to your family.
Kathleen.
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Choc57- just seen this thread.
So sorry to hear of your loss.
My thoughts are with you and your family. X
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Thank you everyone.
No I don't mind at all Kathleen as I'm searching for answers. But no he didn't have high cholesterol but I'm pretty sure he had undiagnosed high blood pressure for many years and I think this is to blame. It causes hardening of the arteries. My sons thankfully don't have high blood pressure but this will be kept a close eye on x
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So sorry to hear your sad news, what a shock , nothing prepares you for the physical feelings of losing someone close, you are so right to tell us all to appreciate what we have , thinking of you, :)
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I have had two traumatic scares with my OK, similar, and when my OH was in the loo,, fortunately I was there and the medics came very quickly and saved him, but this has left a very traumatic and stressful legacy for me (that awfull sound and how he looked haunts me he made each time) haunts me, so I felt very tearful when I read choc57's posts.
The problem is now that I am fearful to voice with OH things that are worrying me and need to be discussed and they build up and sometimes I do let rip and then am terrified that they might cause him to become ill and die and it will be my fault.
My OH has a tendency to not discuss things "important things" and sometimes stonewall me and can quite easily go to sleep and not makeup, so I lie awake terrified that something awful with happen. I think all men have this capacity.
I do cherish my OH but I am not a saint, but we must remember that our needs are important too and we need cherishing and to be understood too at times, I just wish I could get that "mindset" and not be worrying constantly. OH is very caring but with certain things that are very important to me, he does not face.
I wonder if he had an underlying heat problem that had not been diagnosed and something like a pacemaker may have avoided what happened.
I feel very much for you choc57 and so sorry that you had to face this at such a young age, but you knew you loved him with all your heart and what more could a man want from his wife, I am sure he knew it.
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Thanks Trey. I asked the question because it is known that many men of any age can go to the bathroom in the early hours and drop dead. It happened to a friend of mine in the 1970s .......... she heard a thud and kind of knew :-\
You have a PM report which seems comprehensive. Your sons are being watched. It was quick for your husband but a huge shock for those left ........... gentle hugs ......... keep posting
I always insist that any men staying under our roof sit down to pee in the night (we've had this conversation recnetly on here) and they do once it has been explained what might happen. DH always sits with his legs over the bed and gets up slowly if he goes to the bathroom in the early hours: or else .......... my DH also doesn't worry in the same way as I do ........... probably because he knows how he feels and for me it's supposition >:(
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It must have been a dreadful shock for all of you and my heart goes out to you and your sons. Know that you were loved and returned the love back to him, in time things will get easier but yes, it is a timely reminder to all of us to seize the day!
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I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you; it's what we all dread. It's natural for you to have regrets and re-run scenes from the past in your head, but nobody lives a perfect life and we all have days when we're not at our best. You're being hard on yourself. You had 35 happy years together and I'm sure you made your husband happy - he chose to support you after all - what a lovely thing to do. Thank you for being strong enough to remind us all to cherish what we have - what a generous gesture for you to make at such a terrible time. Take care of yourself. Big Hugs.
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choc57 - are you lurking, if so, how are you?
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What a profound, thought provoking and tragic story, CLKD! I do hope if you're reading Choc57 that you're doing as ok as can be expected, and that time has healed just a little of your hurt and sadness. xxxxx
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I've just logged in to find the lovely, kind words many of you said when I last posted. Thank you everyone. I'm sorry I didn't check back earlier.
It's now almost 3 and a half years ago and I'm in a much better place. I still feel guilty, not all the time but it does hit me occasionally. But now I think to myself 'It wasn't your fault' and that helps me to reason with myself.
I still can't believe he's gone and now I wonder whether I ever will. I'm doing ok though and thankfully so are my sons now. One of them really struggled for a very long time but thankfully he too is in a much better place. Christmas is coming and for the first time I'm looking forward to it. We both always loved Christmas so I know he'd want me to be able to enjoy it again. I have another reason to be optimistic as my second grandchild is due in March (we'd just become grandparents when my husband died). It'll be sad that he's not here but I feel I carry him in my heart always and experience life for both of us.
I'm still having the night sweats after 7 years and they're still a pain, not as bad as they were by any means but the hrt I was taking at the time stopped working. I think it must have been the shock but the withdrawal bleed disappeared and the sweats came back so it seemed pointless to continue and so I came off. Somehow I've come to live with being woken up every couple of hours, it's just a part of life but I do wish they'd stop xxx
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Lovely to hear you are in a more positive place now and that life is more bearable for you all. Hope you have a lovely family time at Christmas and future planning for the new arrival ! :)
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Hello choc57.
It's so good to hear from you and to learn that you and your family are doing well inspite of your loss.
They say that time is a great healer and it seems to be true.
Wishing you well and keep us updated, especially when the new baby arrives.
K.
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Oh have a HUGE :bighug: because you have survived. Not easily but you are moving slowly. And a new grandchild :great:
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Thanks everyone. It's been and continues to be a battle but yes I've survived and am determined to be happy.
I also have a new man in my life and he is helping me tremendously. He loves to travel which is wonderful as I never thought I'd be able to enjoy a holiday again.
From the devastated person I was 3 years ago I'm now enjoying life again. I'm not kidding myself that this relationship can ever be the same, it can't and I wouldn't want it to be. We'd been together from such a young age and just grown up together and I thought we'd be together forever. I never imagined finding myself single again, not at my age anyway. I joined a couple of groups, one for widowed people and a local Meet up group. I've now got lots of new friends and I also have a voluntary job working in a coffee shop which I love and has meant I've met lots of people and made some really good friends who I know will be in my life for a very long time.
My boys get on well with my new man and are pleased that someone is looking after me. I know Andrew would want me to be happy as he lost his own dad when he was 18 and used to wish that his mum had been able to be happy again and meet someone. He used to say to me that if it happened to him I had to be happy and meet someone else so I feel I have his permission.
Thank you for your thoughts and support. I'm going to be visiting this site again as I'm still battling with this dreadful menopause! Thankfully I'm now quite sane and the sweats hardly happen during the day it's just these damn night sweats every couple of hours....at least they're not every half an hour anymore!! xx
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It is a sign of a good marriage that one can move on and even contemplate another relationship :foryou:
Maybe start a separate thread about your flushes so that you get appropriate responses?
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The gift your husband left you was that of the experience of loving and being loved. This has left you, when you were ready, to love again. This will never replace or diminish the love you had with your husband. He has his own special place in your heart, but your heart is big enough to love again. I'm so pleased to see that you have been able able to build a new way of being around your grief. Best wishes to you and your expanding family.