Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: CLKD on June 05, 2014, 02:30:38 PM
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Anyone? DH and I are having The Discussion about whether to buy one/not ::)
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I think it depends on your family circumstances. Having a pre-pay plan would mean you would have at least SOME say in what happened, as you would have chosen what to pay for.
My parents and my parents-in-law all have insurance policies which were intentionally set up to help with funeral costs (unfortunately, 2 have been used :(), but they were (are) confident that we would see their wishes were followed. Similarly, DH and I have insurance, and DD knows what we would want by way of funeral arrangements, and we know she will follow those wishes.
However, if you are not confident that those making the arrangements would know, or respect, your wishes, maybe pre-pay is the way to go.
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We are considering this as there might not be much money left to pay for funerals and as they cost around £3,000 each I would hate to burden my sons with it. Luckily my mum and dad's insurance policies paid for theres but only just.
Taz x
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Is there a burying your head in the sand smiley as that would be me. Don't want to think about it and don't want to talk about it.
I know that will have to change......Just not yet.
Honeyb
x
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I didn't want to think about it but having just had a cousin die with no insurance it really brought it home to me how expensive it all is. Her children have had to dig deep into their already stretched pockets to find the £3,000.
I'm not bothered about arranging anything though as long as they remember I am to be buried and not cremated. They can say what they like and play whatever music they want to... or not as the case may be!
Taz x :)
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There's just the two of us and neither of us are into funerals anyway.
OH was born in a crematorium which has given him a very definite view on death and associated matters. Luckily our views coincide in this area, sad but true.
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My hubby and I are probably very odd. We've asked to have our bodies donated to science if possible - apparently you have to be in a reasonable state for them to be of any use!!!!!
If not used for science then we've requested the cheapest option of body deposal - a cremation in cardboard or wicker with no service. NO FUNERAL OR MEMORIAL SERVICE.
Our kids should go to the pub with or without friends and toast us with a drink. If they want to have a party that is their choice.
The best tribute to us is for our kids to carry on with their lives in a positive way & not dwell on the past just hold on to any fond memories they may have.
Our kids are going to need every penny we can leave them. We are helping them financially whenever we can now but we are endeavouring to do prudent financial planning so we can cope through our old age without being a burden to them.
If I took out any kind of insurance or plan it would be for care through the last stage of my life when I may need extra support to have a good end. If a trip to Switzerland is needed that would be very expensive.
Having said all this, if our kids want to do something that gives them comfort e.g. some kind of memorial, then that's up to them.
Funerals are expensive events - my father-in-law, who was dreadful husband and father, requested a full church funeral and it cost over £5000.
If you want something special then a savings plan is probably wise. DG x
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You aren't odd nowadays Dancinggirl. I know of three people who have done the same but they are not bothered about furthering medical science - it is purely to save money on funeral expenses - after reading this article. http://www.moneywise.co.uk/scams-rip-offs/rip-offs/death-the-final-rip
Taz x
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Hubby told me not to be so morbid. Daughter said it was their job to give us a good send off after all we've forked out over the years. No further discussions!
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So the Juries out then ...........
I was thinking about leaving my body to medical science. Having been treated for breast disease in the 1990s, I would be interested to know if the mammograms, radiation treatment, Tamoxifen had any influence on my organs ........ and if there is any evidence of further 'growth' ....... of course, I'll have to look down from above to find out ;) - on my cloud with my harp and halo :whist:
Now why does it cost so much? Church Service, Vicar, flowers, casket, Undertaker, cars ..........
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This is from the link I've posted CLKD
"The cost of dying
The average cost of dying is £7,247, made up by:
£3,091 - Non-discretionary funeral costs including funeral director fees; doctors' fees; fees for a religious or secular service; and burial or cremation charges.
£1,864 - Discretionary funeral costs including death and funeral notices; flowers; order sheets; funeral cars; catering for the wake; venue hire; and a memorial.
£2,292 - Estate administration fees including the cost of professional services such as solicitors and banks to wind up the deceased's estate.
Source: Sun Life, 2012"
Taz x
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Although I don't like to think about it I have told my kids I don't want any fuss or religious service. A Humanist type thing would do fine. No fancy coffin or sit down "do".
My sister is going to a funeral tomorrow and then on to a full meal at a posh hotel. Must be costing a small fortune.
I want nothing to do with anything like that.
On a bit of an amusing note. My mother has been talking about cremation recently. We do have a plot where my dad and daughter are with room for her but she can't decide. Cremation was the the thing until someone told her you got burned and your ashes were put in an urn. This memory loss thing is highly amusing sometimes. What on earth did she think happened. She was quite shocked that I knew what happened at a cremation.
Honeyb
x
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Doctor's fees :o - to sign the Death Certificate I suppose ........ plus the cost of copies for all and sundry ........ we have 2 composts in our garden, that'll do me ;)
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Funerals only matter when there is somebody around who cares about that sort of thing.
We have no kids or relatives, so that isn't a problem.
I couldn't arrange a funeral for OH - really not his type of thing, he would be disgusted, as would I.
Can't really talk about going to Dignitas - neither of us are terminally ill - yet (fingers crossed) - Just getting that bit older........
Just the very basic things will suffice - Death certificate - disposal of body - So be it.
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Just the very basic things will suffice - Death certificate - disposal of body - So be it.
Can this be done? I thought one was 'forced' to have a funeral? Am I being naive? :o
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Don't know if any of you watched Billy Connolly's documentary recently about death & funerals. Costs in some parts of America are unbelievable! Cardboard box will do me, no point in setting fire to expensive piece of oak.
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I'm being buried - well they'd better bury me - that's my only request!
Taz x :D
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I want burying in unconsecrated ground. And there's one specific song I want played if they choose to have music. Other than that, those making the arrangements can do what they want!
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The thing is they can do as they want as we are not here to see it. Guess that's one of the reasons I'm not bothered.
Why burial over cremation. Has anyone got a specific reason for that. Again I just want the cheap and easy option and also I can't see my kids tending a grave for years to come.
Honeyb
x
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I just like the idea of being buried - must go with my love of dark winter days ;D I hate the fact that we scatter people's ashes around - the idea of flakes of dead people blowing around or floating past me when I go for a paddle makes me feel a bit odd.
Taz x
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Never really thought of it like that to be honest.
My mother talks a lot about death. I had to ask her not to do it in front of the kids when they were a bit younger. I guess the older you get the more it becomes a reality but she borders on obsessive sometimes. I think that's one of the reasons I dislike talking about it.
Honeyb
x
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Cost for my father in laws funeral was £3000 (give or take) that included the plot in the cemetery (dug extra deep so 2 more coffins will fit in it!!! - we didn't ask for this but plots in this particular cemetery are few so they always to this!! OH space it booked at no extra cost ;)) , undertaker fees and the wake. Reckon it depends on where you live as to how expensive it is. He had an insurance policy that covered it all so we did not have to worry about that. Hubby went to a funeral a few years ago where his cousin had left his body to science. So there was just a church service and the wake. He say it was so much better as there was not coffin (body) and it was less upsetting. I had always wanted to be cremated (fear of being buried alive :o) but having recently been to a crematorium have now decided that medial science can have me. Crems are truly awful and much like a conveyor belt with one lot of mourners going out the back way while the next lot com in the front.
Sounds like I go to a lot of funerals doesn't it but these experiences are over a number of years!! Our family is so spread around the world that it seems like the only time we get together is for funerals
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It's not that easy to just donate your body to science. You have to fill in forms in advance and someone has to notify them when you die. Also, your body is only of use if you die 'in good nick'!! There are certain centres that take bodies so it's worth doing some research. I thought there would always be a need of bodies for students to dissect as well - maybe they don't do this anymore. My Dad was a dentist and like doctors they have to spend the first year doing anatomy - back then they only had tramps or vagrants available - bodies were scarce!!
My hubby and I thought it would be easy to donate but when we did our wills last year the solicitor had to apply for the forms etc. I'm sure you can do it for yourself but do make sure it's in your will and the executors know about this because of the notification.
I know this thread seems rather gruesome but I think it's important to discuss these things.
I personally think it is not necessarily about the way we want our bodies disposed of but about how those left behind want to say goodbye. We think the body isn't important. DG x
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There's lots of information here about how to go about donating your body, brain, tissues etc. http://www.hta.gov.uk/bodyorganandtissuedonation/howtodonateyourbody.cfm
Taz x
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Thanks TAZ - I knew there had to be info online. DG xxx
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I remembered my friend talking about it when they set it up.
Taz x :)
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My preference for burial over cremation is biological/ecological. The natural way of things is for us to assimilate (sp?) atoms and molecules into ourselves throughout our lives, just like every other living organism. When organisms die, they decompose and their 'substance' returns to the ground to be recycled and used again. I prefer to think that is what will happen to my body - they way it should, than for it to be incinerated and most of the useful stuff be turned into something useless (or even damaging). The burial ground I have in mind uses natural fibre shrouds and 'coffins' so that decomposition can happen naturally, and has no 'proper' grave markers - trees are planted instead, so the area becomes a woodland over time. No graves for family to feel they should tend.
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I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing but having had to sort out Mum's earlier this year does make you sit back and take stock a bit. We were lucky with her in that she had enough money for us to pay for it without having to put money in ourselves and the vicar didn't charge anything for the church or his services as Mum had been such an active member of the parish. We chose a wicker coffin as she was being cremated and she'd been talking about dying for the last 6 months and had helpfully left us notes of what she wanted, hymns to be sung and even a letter for the vicar to read out at the service.
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We have no family. It costs for others to keep the plot in good order.
I don't want to take up space so cremation for us. No record other than the Death Cert. to remind anyone that we were here ;)
One can apply for a body to be buried in your garden so long as the ground is so many yards from a water course. Makes selling the property harder perhaps? So bottom of the compost for us ;)
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scampi - I like the idea of your option. To be part of a tree is a very nice thought. DG x
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I don't want a funeral service either. Waste of good money and upsetting to arrange and attend. I like the sound of Direct Cremation. I can't get my husband to talk about such things. I can't even get him to make a will - lost count of the number of times I've said we need to get it done. Its always "We'll do it after this that or the other"
Ariadne xx
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One thing I hate at funerals is shaking hands with very emotional relatives after the service. At my father in law's service we asked to do the hand shaking before, when we were less tearful. It was unheard of at the crematorium.
Haven't been to many funerals, yet. However, been to a few at one crem in particular. It's a horrid place and the coffin sinks into the platform during the service. Always gives me the shivers. One place we went, a curtain was drawn around the coffin which seemed much nicer.
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I've been to loads of both unfortunately. I've never had the hand shaking thing though?
As for the coffin disappearing at the crem. My very best friend's husband died in January and she insisted that the coffin remained on display and that we didn't have the curtains drawing around. Nobody I knew had ever done that before but it meant that, at the end, people could walk past the coffin saying their goodbyes if they wanted to.
Ariadne - I think that the funeral service isn't for the person who has died but for those left behind who want to acknowledge the life of the person who has died. I suppose a memorial service does the same.
The "best" one I have ever been to was a Quaker service. Remarkable and very moving.
Taz x
Taz x
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Taz I know the funeral is for the family left behind but its something people think they have to do- there are alternatives that are more low key and less bank breaking.
Ariadne xx
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Oh yes I agree. I thought you meant you didn't want any sort of service - sorry.
Hope that your husband will see sense and make a will - makes things a lot easier!
Taz x
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Well if I'm honest, I'd rather there not be a funeral service for me but I don't know what my family would think of that. I'd rather they used the money for a holiday "on me " so to speak. They can remember me that way.
Ariadne xx
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There's nothing to stop you making a Will. We need to update ours ::) ……….
I began putting things together, even the music ….. but have changed my mind over the years …..
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One thing I hate at funerals is shaking hands with very emotional relatives after the service. At my father in law's service we asked to do the hand shaking before, when we were less tearful. It was unheard of at the crematorium.
Haven't been to many funerals, yet. However, been to a few at one crem in particular. It's a horrid place and the coffin sinks into the platform during the service. Always gives me the shivers. One place we went, a curtain was drawn around the coffin which seemed much nicer.
When we were planning Mum's cremation the undertaker asked us if wanted the curtains to shut afterwards or remain open, we opted for open so after the short service (we were having a bigger thanksgiving service at her church later the same day) the coffin stayed where it was and we all went up one by one to say our very personal goodbyes to her - I'm glad we chose it that way rather than see it go behind the curtain.
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Good to hear that they took your wishes into account. So important I feel.
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An interesting discussion.
IMHO, it's important to think about and if relevant, discuss these things with partner/family/whoever, from an early age. I know death is still a taboo subject amongst many though.
My partner (now husband) and I made wills and wrote down our preference for burial/cremation/funeral etc. in our twenties when a friend (also in his 20s) was killed in an RAF flying accident. This friend had not expressed any preferences and died intestate so his parents were left wondering what his wishes would have been (and trying to sort out a complicated estate) at a time when they were grieving for a son they never thought would pre-decease them.
At that time I gave my parents a copy of my will. It then transpired that they had never made wills nor expressed preferences about funeral/burial/cremation etc. - the reason given for this was because my Dad was very ill as a young man and never expected to live long!!!!!! Figure out that logic if you can.
The fact that I had made a will (and kept it up-to-date) and expressed my preference for burial/cremation/funeral etc. at an early age meant that it was one less thing to be concerned about and to get done when I was faced with a cancer diagnosis at the age of 47 and (for a while) the prognosis was unclear.
Maybe I'm "preaching to the converted" though because how likely is it that anyone who avoids this subject will read posts on a thread with the word "funeral" in the subject line?
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I have worn an SOS bangle/necklace for years. When I told my parents in Law they were horrified that I wanted to be a parts donor which is the main reason for wearing it. That was in 1977! It's also on my Driving Licence.
Having been involved with several deceased situations I think it's important!