Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: groundhog on May 12, 2014, 09:41:34 AM
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Morning all. Had the most awful day yesterday. I am hoping today will be better - I have never felt so low, down and quite nasty to be honest. I have had a very busy week lots going on. I spent Saturday prepping food for 30 kids - nephews party then attended the party and then back to daughters. It was good though and I was ok but tired. Woke up sunday feeling down - we had a family meal planned to round off the birthday weekend. Now I'm not so good at these things - they children sometimes play up when all the family is around and it can get tense. Plus my husband didn't want to go so was grumpy. As some of you know my mother is slightly brain damaged and is wheelchair bound following bleed on brain. She was coming with us which adds to the pressure on me as I have to pick up, get in and out of car, etc. I was hoping she wasn't going to come ( nasty I know ) but I was tired and she is hard work. But not only did she want to come she cancelled the carers for the day which caused other problems. I feel so tense I wanted to scream - I know I was being short with her and my husband was in a fowl mood. I got home and went to bed ( never do that ). I felt so down I didn't see the point in life ( pathetic ) as Ju family ties are not going to change for years. I wanted to leave my husband and get on a train and run away. I got up this morning and feel flat but not as bad.
What was that all about?? Anyone else get days like this - please say yes .
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Yes groundhog it's something that has started happening to me since I became Peri menopausal. I think you just had too much on and I find that too if I have too much on I just can't cope like I used to. Take it easy (if you can), be kind to yourself and tomorrow will be a better day x
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Yes, i am pre meno and i have had days where i am hideous....it feels like a huge black cloud has just come over me, my eyes feel really heavy and i just feel horrible. I hate anyone and everything and yes i feel like i want to run out the house screaming and never come back.
It doesn't happen to me too often (thank god!!) but it can just come on all of a sudden. It feels worse because i can feel and hear how i am being and i know if anyone was being like that to to me for no reason i would have something to say to them but i feel like i am out of my body watching and unable to do anything about it.
I have got the whole of May packed solid with various things and now my husband has to go away twice quite close to each other following all this, i am a mess. I just can't handle dealing with anything out of routine. The things should be something to look forward to. It's just the thought of all the planning and honestly the effort to do it all!!!
You are not alone.....x
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Groundhog, I think we forget we're not 20 something anymore. We'd have coped with all that back then, but our bodies & minds just can't these days. I watch my 33 year old daughter who seems to take on so much, between her social life & her children's. I find myself thinking, " I used to cope like that " just can't cope now. I often have to walk away, have even been known to have a teenage strop, though haven't thrown one of those in a while ;)
Don't be too hard on yourself, don't run away. Breathe count to 10,100 whatever it takes.
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Yep often wanted to pack a case and walk and walk and ………. to have some brain space!
We have to learn to say 'no'. Did the Carers contact you to check if it was OK to not visit your Mum ………. I would have gone off the handle at that one! OK there were parts of the day that were going to be different but that should not impact on her general care :cuss:
I would be explaining that NO WAY should she consider that again, because you might not have been able to attend, where would that have left her ??? ……….
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Hello groundhog.
Good grief, all of this sounds familiar to me and I am often impatient, tired and intolerant.
I keep comparing myself to how I used to feel before meno and I think maybe that is a mistake. The fact is I have never been at this stage of my life before so naturally my responses are different now, as they say, 'I have never been as old as I am today'.
Save some kindness for yourself groundhog and know that you are not alone.
Wishing you well.
K.
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Yes CLKD that was the final straw. I have repeatedly asked the carers not to cancel on her say so as she gets terribly confused with times. I have put a big note on the front of the file now. She can be quite lucid and so the carer accepts what she says but all is not always as it seems. I feel better today just worn out. I have spoken to my GP and she thinks citalopran have stopped working so has suggested a change on anti dep . I don't even want to be on them but I don't want another day like yesterday.
It's nice to know I am not alone though and can associate with the big black cloud . I think also I am so used to being on my own in the week that sometimes at weekends it gets overwhelming. Having a disabled mother requires a lot of thinking and planning and that's what I find exhausting at times too . I just want to shut my mind now and not have to think for a while.
You are right Cubagirl I am not 20 - I spend a lot of time with my daughter aged 29 and my sister 40 and they just seem so chilled about everything it makes me look worse.
Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest ladies xx. I do try and say jo sometimes or at least make it known I am not just sitting here waiting for my family to click their fingers. I also try to have some me time. It's not easy though as I have never put myself first and if I can help I will but at the moments there are too many ppl needing my help!!
Have nice evening xx
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Perhaps now is the time to put more care your Mum's way? Otherwise you will feel constantly worn out and time short!
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Yes yes and yes !
We all need some me time, but it is often very difficult to achieve...chin-up and big hug and please remember you are not alone
Wombat x
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you are not alone in your mood / feelings and with all that you had going on that day i am not surprised you felt overwhelmed by it all. its not anything probably most of haven't felt before.
is there anyone else in the family that can help out with your mum - you mentioned a sister in your post? is there provision in your area for additional care for your mum?
why is NO the hardest thing to say when there are demands on our time!
look after yourself or you won't be able to help others
linsey x
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Yes Linsey, wombat and CLKD I agree but it's difficult. My mother has carers 3 times a day but everything else is down to me ( washing housework shopping money house maintenance). I do have a sister but her children are only 5 - twins - her partner lives away :( . So my sister can help but is limited as she also works. Any quality of life for my mother is down to us and if we don't take her out she gets more confused so it's a vicious circle. I do find it hard to say no to ppl I love - I adore my nephews and know if i said no my sister couldn't work which brings all sorts of problems.
I had a terrible day sunday. I have never felt so low but I think it was exhaustion. But that sounds feeble and pathetic. I still feel very very tired today. No one cares tho - my husband has just asked me to get out of bed and get the cream to rub on his shoulder. sometimes I think the worse thing I did was finish work ( had no choice in was retired n ill health - I have chrons disease, an Ileostomy and lots of health issues ). I am too available too capable and too nice. I didn't get the cream for my husband - he can get lost!!!!
Thanks all
Xxxx
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I think you are right, it was just down to exhaustion. We all have our breaking point and it sounds as if you reached yours.
You can't carry on being pulled in all directions because you will end up too unwell to look after anyone.
Sometimes you just have to stand back just a little and try and have some time to yourself.
It's never going to be easy but at some point you are going to have to look after you.
Honeyb
x
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Thanks honeybun - I try and step back but when it has a real effect on the other persons life, I find it hard. I do say no - my neighbour who is elderly but has family used to come round several evenings a week - usually when we were having food - wanting something or another. I used to go round and sort out whatever was wrong ( lost glasses, kettle wouldn't work etc) and return home to a cold meal and grumpy husband. Now I don't always answr the door - I feel terrible but where does It all end. I don't make myself as available to my sister and ask her to say whn I'm needed so I can check it's ok - before I would just say yes anytime. My mother - well that's tricky but I am learning. I hate loads of things going on at the same time - I get really stressed but that is now life is these days. My daughters and sisters lives seem chaotic yet they just get on with it. I need to lighten uo but yes I need to take a step back too, a big step and not put myself in situations where I get so tired I want to scream!
Thanks again all xx
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You need to get your Mum an assessment by Social Services. So that more help can be put into place. The more you do the less SS will a) be aware that she requires support and b) the less because you are doing it!
Is there a local company that can take over the washing/ironing, there are several in our area who visit the house, discuss requirements and take away washing, bringing it back ironed: they also take away already laundered stuff, iron it and return it the next week. How about Wiltshire Foods ……… that will free you up to be more of a companion to your Mum, as you run a duster round ;) ……. this won't get any easier, the more tired you are the more over-whelmed you will be!
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Hi CLKD - she has had the assessments and 3 visits have been decided. I think the
Problem is whilst 3 visits are probably right to keep her fed and comfortable, it doesn't give her any quality of life. She is 75 and prior to this brain haemorrhage completely independent. I suppose I want to give her a better life and know that if I took her out everyday she would be better for it but I can't do that as my health isn't great but she doesn't get that. Plus of course as I have said my sister needs help too with her boys. I suppose I am the typical sandwich generation - I am the filling between the need for elder and child care. I am probably to blame as I feel guilty if I don't take her out and when I do take her out I moan about it . Last week was so busy - I felt like everyday was a race. This week is a bit better. I don't think my depression helps as I don't seem to have happy thoughts any more just anxiety and sad thoughts. It helps to unload to you lovely ladies and I am grateful even if u r probably thinking ' get a grip ' as I know some of you are dealing with far far worse xx
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Is there any voluntary organisations that can offer additional supports to your mum? Eg locally we have a group that provides help for carers. Have you been on the carers trust website?
Or Is it an option for your mum to afford to pay for additional help herself and you could interview them on her behalf?
Is your mum getting all financial support she / or you as a carer are entitled to, your local council should have a welfare benefits dept that checks to see if there is any entitlement to help. You would be surprised at how may things are avail.
Do you live in a city or rural location? This can limit additional services sometimes.
Sorry for bombarding you with questions, your head is already about bursting.
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Good questions Linsey. You should be getting a carers allowance. Age UK have lots of useful leaflets about all types of elderly care …….. covering just about everything!
Is there a day centre or does your local care home have visitors - perhaps your mum could go along and if you go you will get support and a change of scene too. Does your Mum read, watch TV, listen to music?
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Hi Linsey - we live in a rural area in a smallish town. We have tried to get her to go to day centres but she is not interested. In some bizarre way the brain injury has left her thinking she is 45 and so day centres are for old people. Another irony is whilst she was independent before the brain haemorrhage, she wasn't very well owing to her massively high blood pressure so she didn't really want to go out that much, but when she did she drove herself. Now of course her blood pressure is normal ( she now takes the medication - refused before the brain haem as they made her feel ill - arghhh!) so I think she actually feels quite well now and so is raring to go :( which makes it very tiresome for me. I worked in welfare benefits prior to losing my job owing to my health problems so I am pretty sure she is getting everything she should. Pls don't apologise for the questions - thank you for your reply xx
Thanks CLKD - I can't claim carer allowqnce as I am on another benefit linked to my disability . She does watch tv all day if she doesn't go out so that is a blessing. She reads the paper but that's about it . She has no concentration anymore - she was a brilliant knitter but she can't manage anymore - her coordination has been badly affected.
I will check out the age concern website to see if there is anything I am missing.
I took her to town today and she was ok. Today has been a good day . My mood has been ok but I'm not always like this - some days the depression wins and I can't cope with any of it.
Thanks again for your interest ladies. Xx
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Is there an organisation in your area who do home visits?
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Hi CLKD - we have looked at this too but mother says no need. It's difficult as she wants is for ME to take her out every day which I cannot do. When I read my posts back it seems to me I have tried quite hard and so I suppose I just have to leave it go. I have tried to explain to her I cannot do what she wants but I will continue to do my best but I cannot be everything to everyone all the time.
Off to sleep now - night all xxx
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:bighug: Hope you slept ok last night. Everything seems blacker when you are so tired and exhausted.
Ju Ju xxx
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Time to tell your Mum that although you enjoy your outings now is the time to have someone else help - that it will give you something new to talk about when you do meet up ;) and that you are not getting any younger and need to take a break. Explain that if you are too tired you won't be able to see her at all ………... :-X
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Hi Juju - this sunday has definately been better than last thank you :foryou:
CLKD - yes I have tried telling her this but she doesn't get why anyone would find shopping tiring. Ironically until the brain haem she has been fit as a fiddle all her life whereas I have had chronic illness since aged24 - I've had major surgery pretty much every year if my adult life until about 5 years ago when the menopause did help some of my problems - I had very bad endometriosis but the meno has helped with that :clapping: I try now to just take her once in the week and my sister takes her once. She also has physio once a day too. Plus she sees us everyday even if we don't go out. I suppose it's partly my fault - I'm too soft I feel sorry for her - I know if I say let's go to town she lights up and is happy - the lippy is out along with the clean socks and sandals - it's sad and I wish her quality of life didn't depend on me.
Thanks for your help it really does make a difference xxx
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I do really sympathise. It's never enough no matter what you do and its almost impossible to walk away.
I would love if my mother would have someone else in to keep her company and that would take the pressure off as its relentless.
Are you able to get away on holiday for a few days to recharge your batteries.
We are going for a week but before then my sister goes and my commitment doubles. I dread that week in case something happens.
Chin up.....it can only get better.
Honeyb
x
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Hi honeybun - I know you are in a similar situation. It's difficult isn't it and it has come at a time of life when I'm not great either thanks to meno. My sister helps but she is different she doesn't dwell plus she her hands more than full with 2 little boys. We will go away - I nevr used to like going away - when I was working plus dealing with my own health issues - a holiday to me was not going to work - I was happy at home. But now we have to go away or else everything falls on me as I am the only one not 'working' - lol. We have had busy month and this weekend my daughter is 30 so weather permitting we have big birthday BBQ on sunday so very busy week again. But once that is sorted we will book holiday. I can understand how you feel when u say your sister is going away. My sister goes away sometimes and some weekends my sister and daughter is away which means I am on nanni and dog duty ( my sister has my mothers dog as my mother would never cope so my daughter took on my sisters dog - dalmation - big and naughty ). It's non stop. I feel like saying ' stop the world I want to get off' but I wouldn't - yes things can get better and I will cling onto that xxx
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I live since last year with my 94 yr old mum. Then my job went due to the recession. My Mum and I are polar opposites. Then the menopause came. I also have two children. I felt i was totally disintegrating. Then I found Evorel conti and God(actually He has always been with me).
Take each day as it comes and STOP OVERDOING IT!!! Realise your limitations and dont expect to have the energy you had 10 years ago. Tell yourself "This too shall pass".
Be kinder to yourself and respect where you are. You are not superwoman. Talk to me anytime.
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Thank you Mary Ireland. I am learning to say no. I too feel as tho I am disintegrating at times. But I will keep on trying to help her without killing myself. Thank you for the offer to chat any time
Xxx
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But don't take her out any more than you are able to! Of course she enjoys a change but if you falter completely she won't get the visits never mind a trip out!
Welcome Mary Ireland ........... DH tells me that if I took all the advice I dish out I will never be anxious or worried again ::) so it's good to share on here.
I find that going away, if it's an hour's drive, is enough ........... a full day out away from the house or an over-nighter B&B or in the camper to somewhere with gardens/museums/antique shops/lakes is regenerating!