Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: honeybun on March 25, 2014, 04:56:07 PM
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Just have to vent and hubby is fed up listening.
As many of you know I "do" for my 91yr old mother. I do the washing ironing, basically everything and I also cook and freeze meals for her. I cook at home and take the meals down to go in her freezer. I have been told by her today that the quality of the meat and chicken that I buy is not up to her standard as she really wants better quality.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I do simple old fashioned stuff for her. Mince and potatoes, stews, macaroni, roast chicken and fish.
I get most of my stuff from Morrison's and my chickens from Aldis. It's not up to her standard. She wants her meat bought from a better quality place and I have to take it to her house to cook so she can see what she is getting.
I have said no.
If she is not happy with what I provide then she will have to make other arrangements.
She is telling me in not so many words that what I feed my family on is rubbish.
I am hurt and angry.
It's not possible to cook such small quantities at her house and I have all the other stuff to do as well.
Hubby is muttering about enough being enough and she is going too far this time.
Sorry but I needed to get that off my chest.
Honeyb
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HB I don't know what to say you must be your wits end.
Your mum is so lucky to have a daughter like you who will do all that you do, and cook her meals too. I have seen adverts on TV for meals to be delivered to old people, perhaps you could say that if she is not happy with meals you provide that maybe she should pay for that kind of service.
Not sure what else to suggest HB but I do think its time you started to put your foot down and let your feelings known to her.
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I sympathise. I shared a big house with my mother in law most of my married life and about 7 years ago I became her carer, I too was having to cook her main meal in an evening. She didn't like what we ate so I had to cook seperate and it had to be at a certain time as well. In the end I bought her a microwave and gave her two catalogues of nutritionally balanced meals for oldies and she chose what she wanted and heated them herself in the microwave. she did this for 2 years until having to go into a care home 18 months ago.
I used Wiltshire Farm Foods and Oakhouse Foods, maybe send for their catalogues and present them to her ;)
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I think I agree with your husband HB - enough is enough. Use this as an opportunity to stop the meal service - you are doing enough as it is. Get her a Wiltshire catalogue - their meals are excellent and come in different portion sizes. And they do all the 'old fashioned ' stuff as well. No excuses - and don't allow her to back down.
Good luck.
Bramble
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My Mum uses Wiltshire Farm foods, the Company has a dietician for advice and the man delivers every fortnight. Money on arrival. He puts it into the freezer too but of course, Mum has to unload it all after he has gone >:( ::)
Enough! Is it that her taste buds have 'gone' so she isn't enjoying her food? If she has had a cold or trouble with her mouth …………. :-\ But don't put ideas into her head ::). I would be too hurt to be bothered any more, no one steps on me twice!
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This all stems from sis and I increasingly doing more shopping in Aldis. She thinks it's where poor people shop and that the quality must be rubbish. It's a lot of nonsense. A lot of people shop smart these days and I do get a lot of things there but not meat just chicken.
She seems to think the more you pay the better it is. I don't understand as when I was a child we never had much money.
There is nothing much wrong with her except old age. Her digestive system is not great and things have to be plain and simple for her stomach to be able to cope.
I try so bloody hard to please but it never works. We have presented her with brochures before but she refuses to even look or consider. She can't cook for herself so I am stuck having to provide something. I talked to my sis who used to cook for her and she has said she is not prepared to take it on again as mother did not like her cooking either. I have said that if she wants to buy expensive ingredients then I will cook them in my kitchen but not hers.
I am between a rock and a hard place with this.
I told her today that we would all come to see her on Mother's Day but I would not be house working. I thought she would be pleased to hear her grand kids were coming. I was asked if I thought her house could go from Friday to Tuesday with no housework being done. Well yes :-\
I just give up.
Honeyb
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But you don't do you: give up?
Have a chat with your GP or Social Services asking what people living alone do for food when they cannot cook for themselves. Is there Meals on Wheels any more? That way you are fore-armed! and should she begin bleating again I would suggest to her that as she is no longer happy with your cooking that she will have to employ someone to cook in her kitchen with the ingredients she thinks are better!
Perhaps your children could do the visit on Sunday? You and DH could have a well deserved rest!
Of course, some may mourn getting older so nothing will ever by 'right' …….. others have bad habits and moan naturally >:( ……. your Mum knows how to push you buttons :poke2:
Mine has narcacisstic personality disorder so would never believe nor agree that anything she says or does 'hurts' anyone, the day Dad was buried she told my sister "Only I am mourning in this house" ………
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No CLKD I don't.
My conscience won't let me. :-\
Honeyb
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HB, enough is enough. You're going to end up having not so nice memories of your mum, because she's wearing you down.
How about her chosing stuff from somewhere like M&S. Maybe that would be more to her taste. Microwave, or ovenable stuff she can heat up. Mind you that would mean a trip to your nearest branch, not overly sure which is your nearest branch.
Won't be easy, but you need to be firm. Tell her you will sort out Wiltshire Foods or wherever to get her meals from.
I agree get your two to visit her on Sunday, so you can rest. You're a mum too, so it's your Mother's Day too.
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:thankyou: Cubagirl. I found the more I said 'no' the easier it became. Now I don't have any guilt about current situations ……… I have stopped sending presents to family for various reasons, cards are OK …….. I visit when I feel I am able ……… Husband Comes First :-*
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HB, does your husband ever come with you when you "do" for your Mum and if so, does she still behave so badly towards you? If she doesn't then that means she knows jolly well what she's doing. Would a word or even a look from him stop her in her tracks?
I'm sure a lot of it is because she's frustrated at the decline in her health and ability to get around but instead of complaining, she ought to be very grateful for the wonderful care you give her.
I've started shopping at Aldi myself and I have found their meat is rather nice. Keep a Morrison's container and stick the Aldi meat in it ;D
Chin up, you can't do more than you are already doing
Ariadne xx
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:thankyou:
It's just so difficult as she can swing from evil to being vulnerable in a heart beat.
She would not dare say the things she does in front of my hubby. She does not see much of him as he finds her difficult.
I do have to go on Sunday. No choice really.
She has been told that my sis will now do the majority of her food shop in M&S.
Sorted.
Honeyb
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That's good. At least you know M&S food is good quality. My mum was persuaded to purchase easy heated up stuff from there. That way we knew she was having decent food.
As for Sunday, remember to just visit HB. My mum was never nasty when anyone else was around, only 1 - 1 with me. Heck I hope I don't go that way!
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I have given my kids my full permission. to shoot me if I do ::)
She has occasionally slipped in company and had a go at me. I just leave the room. The state of her memory now means that by tomorrow although she will remember a little of what she said it won't all be there. My hubby says that my mother has selective memory loss as and when it suits her. He is not her biggest fan.
It's a shame it's like this now as I don't feel close to her at all any more. I have to really remind myself that most of the time she can't help it. I really don't want to live to that age.
Honeyb
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It really is hard when memory fails. I have neighbour who now is in a care home. Her husband is home alone, quite upset that it has come to this. He has been subjected to her sharp tongue on many an occasion.She on the other hand has a gentleman friend who she's been seen out & about with. Hubby & I pray this never happens to us. We feel so sorry for her hubby.
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Just to say that on a tip from my sister we recently tried meat from Aldis - some of it is British - the beef and pork we had was excellent - not going anywhere else now - she also recommended their venison steaks but not tried them yet.
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The venison steaks are lovely! Better quality than stresscos & cheaper.
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Honeybun - you could tell your Mum that you are fed up with being her carer and that your memories of her are being ruined. That you will not be cooking as she doesn't appreciate your efforts. Remind her that you are not getting any younger either ……. or take your husband with you ;) …..or you can continue to let her push your buttons which won't do your health any good ……… do you and your sister 'agree' with how things are currently? I agree with the idea of putting Aldi meat into an 'up-market' container ;D and see if she notices. 91 she might be but old habits die hard!
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I agree with the idea of putting Aldi meat into an 'up-market' container ;D and see if she notices. 91 she might be but old habits die hard!
I got that idea from my Mum. When my brother and I were small, my brother insisted he could only eat Lurpak butter for some reason so she bought one pack and then just re-wrapped the cheap butter in the Lurpak wrapper.
Ariadne xx
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;D ………. whereas my cousin can't bear butter at all, can't have it on the table near to her and would never eat it :-X ….. phobia ::)
Honeybun - how do you want the situation to alter?
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Well not doing all the cooking is a start.
If I did not do her housework then I am still obliged to go and visit every other day as that's what sis and I agreed on. If I did not do the inside work she would ask me to do the outside stuff. I have already been asked to paint the garden fence and gate :o
I am better just continuing to do what I do minus the meals but I know that won't last as we have been down this road before.
What I would really like to do is move far far away and visit twice a year ;D
Now I know that's not going to happen.
Honeyb
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Visiting twice a year is more stressful ……… because one is waiting for that 'phone call ::) and as long as you and your sister 'get on', at least it can't be said in years to come, 'you did more/less than I did' ……. my sister keeps well out of the way (fortunately ;) ) ………
If your sister gets fed up with cooking is she more likely to get a good response from offering up the Wiltshire Food catalogue ;) - in the mean-time, see who is local who can cook or Meals on Wheels? then you will have a trick up your sleeve ……… :D
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Honeyb - Really hope you can get things sorted out with your Mum.
Not having to do all the cooking sounds like a good start. She seems to have been giving you grief for ever. Well, for as long as I've been on this forum, ok that's only about two years but long enough to form an impression of her.
How is your sister coping?
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She copes ok Limpy. Much like myself I think. She is almost 14 years older than me so she is not as fit as once she was. Mother does not really give her a hard time. She is far too reliant on her. It's a difficult thing to explain. I will always be the youngest child in both their eyes. Big sis is the one that is in charge. She is the boss and the rest of us are supposed to do as we are told. Except me as I rebel ;D, always have and always will. It drives them both up the wall.
She has been giving me grief for years and years now. Mostly I try to turn off but it's not getting any easier that's for sure.
Honeyb
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Family dynamics are fascinating ::) - 14 years is a huge gap so she is used to bossing you! how about you turning round with the 'no' word ;D ……..
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Honeyb - Please make sure you do not end up doing housework or cooking on Sunday.
Hope you have a good day.
Just seen CLKDs post - as always she has a good point.......
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:thankyou:
my sister is younger and rules me completely which is why we don't meet ……..
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My mother is a total classic narcissist and my younger sister a total classic narcissistic supplier. They deserve each other. After years and years of attention, gifts, 24/7 nursing care for several months many times, I have given up and speak to neither. My life is so much better, even with the sad realization of what should have been.
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Seems to be a common problem, my mum gave my brother a hard time. So hope I grow old(er) gracefully & my kids don't come to loathe me. Just thinking about it breaks my heart.
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I think as you grow much much older the filters in your brain that stops things coming out of your mouth that shouldn't just goes.
I have watched this process happen with my mother over many years. She just speaks without thinking.
She has regressed to being child like.
Mind you she has always had a very strong personality and has been very indulged and spoiled. There was always a mean streak there which was mostly controlled but now is just let loose.
She was a very good mother in many ways and always put mine and my sister's needs first when we were young but there has always been the need to control which I always hated.
Honeyb
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Hi HB - I can completely relate to what you are saying and sympathise wholeheartedly . My mother is 75 and I had a brain haemorrhage 2 years ago. Leading up to the BH she smoked and didn't look after herself. She refused to the blood pressure tabs as they made her ill. My sister is 14 years younger than me and my mother used to help her with her then very young children. The BH came out of the blue and she is now disabled and slightly brain damaged. The bulk of the caring has fallen on me - although she does have carers 3 times a day - I do everything else. I get no thanks whatsoever and all she talks about is my sister. Food for my mother has also been a problem but now she gets M&S ready meals too which she tolerates as she is very very fussy with food. I have chronic ill health as I have mentioned before ( sorry !). And I find it a massive strain. My husband is sick of me moaning and I am sick of me moaning about it too. But it is hard she you get no thanks. My mother waits for my visits and no one else really goes out of their way . She expects to be taken out 3/4 times a week and I just cannot do it. So glad we can have a chat about this on here - it doesn't seem so bad when you feel you aren't the only one.
Xx
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A person can only care for another less able if they are well themselves!
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oh dear HB, the situation with your mum doesnt get any better does it?
It's a shame you cant escape from it all but realistically you are doing much more than the basics.
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I worked at a Dr surgery quite a few years ago and there was a single middle aged lady who cared for her mother. The surgery had alot of contact with them because of the mother who was bed bound and her daughter did everything because her mother would not have carers in >:(
Two weeks after her mother died the daughter came to the surgery for an appt and she was a few weeks later diagnosed with terminal womb cancer :( She lived for just under a year. I had a very long chat with her one day and she said her only regret was that she had spent the last 10 years of her life caring for her mother who she didn't even like much!! What could I say. She felt it was her duty, it was so so sad.
What I am trying to say is do your best within your limitations but don't totally sacrifice your life , be a bit selfish and think of yourself without guilt because no one knows whats in the future. sorry this is not a happy post.
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I guess I am lucky that I share the care with my sister. We are not the closest but we do give each other support. We also appreciate that our days away from her are very important. If it was just down to one person then I doubt either of us could cope at the level we do now.
My hubby is protective and his support is great. He is very good at letting things just pass over whereas I am more sensitive to things. He is forever telling me I do more than my best and if mother is not satisfied then that's just too bad.
I enjoy my days off and to be honest try not to give her or her daft demands a thought.
Honeyb
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:foryou: HB for a job well done.
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I think you're doing a great job HB! I sure would never have had the patience with my mum. When I left home I was happy to visit & even looked after her a couple of months after giving birth. Took DD, pram, the lot to her house to look after her. But, she turned on me during that visit & I never ever forgave her. She still had all her marbles then too.
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We can love them CG, doesn't mean to say we have to like them.
I took hubby with me this morning. He dropped me off and then came back later. She is wary of him so is on her best behaviour ::). Actually she was fine today which is often the way after a tantrum. Long may it last.
Honeyb
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HB My first thought was M & S she can't complain of the quality from there surely. As for Aldi we are all savvy shopping nowadays. I am still a bit suspicious of some of their stuff but I am a convert & it is better quality than some other supermarkets that have been around longer. I bet if Aldi had been around 30 yrs ago she would have been converted too. I take my hat off to you, I could not be so selfless. Stick to you guns you know it is right. B xxx
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How is she now you are back? Interested at all in your holiday?