Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: groundhog on December 29, 2013, 10:30:39 PM
-
So annoyed I could scream. Sme of you may have read my earlier posts about my difficult family situation. Disabled and slightly brain damaged mother who I help care for ( very wearing) - I was retired on ill health and 2 was later mother had brain haemorrhage. My plans for retirement totally quashed, but we deal with it. My only sister is much younger and has young children who I look after a lot, at short notice never a thank you - I also support my sister in all sorts of ways. She asked me to have the boys today for a few hours. She has gone out with friends and hasn't comeback as yet. She knows the boys will be completely looked after and yet again she has taken advantage of my good nature. I am sick of it . I am scared to say anything as she gets even more awkward. It's making me ill as I feel very used and very resentful. I can't cope with it. I have to change and lighten up to deal with this but what with meno I am very down and depressed. I went down my mothers now feeling annoyed and worn out and all she talks about is my sister and how she worries about her. Anyone in this situation and how do you cope.
-
Life ain't fair. I hate to be trite, but it does seem that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Of course you need to set limits, and of courses it is nearly impossible after you have been taken advantage of for a long time. Can you get away? Been there, done that, and I've learned that the resentment ate away at me and sapped my enjoyment of life, so I just finally gave up and became unavailable.
-
It has taken me many years, and its still a work in progress, to say Sorry but No.
My extended family may not like me as much but I am pretty sure they respect me a bit more.
There is only one person who can fix this problem and that's you. I know that if you write doormat on your forehead then people wipe their feet on you.
You don't have to do it all in one go but just be unavailable occasionally and then a little more.
You don't have to give a reason but if you feel that you do say you need to spend more time with your hubby.
Life goes past so quickly so you really need to fit in time for you and your hubby.
No magic fix but you can do it if you want to.
Honeyb
x
-
You wrote your post at 10.30pm. Did you say that your sister still had not collected the kids at this time? If that is so, it is grossly irresponsible of her esp. as she said only a few hours. You surely must have words with her about it. The only solution is to learn to say no. Yes it will be hard if you like the kids so much, but at the end of the day, they are her kids.
Make a resolution that 2014 will be your year. Learn to say no to your sister, get as much help as you can for your mum, and look after yourself more. Relax, do things just for you and your husband and get a life where you are dancing to your own tune, not other peoples.
Good luck,
Bramble
-
I just posted on another thread that I had a hyst at 32 and here's your chance. You must REST, take nice walks with hubby, and drives with hubby and you never know when you will feel strong enough for those walks and drives so you are just going to be out of the loop for caregiving for anyone but you whilst dealing with hyst/bowel surgery. In fact, you need to rest mentally and physically beforehand. I'm a registered nurse and thus, you have my prescription.
-
Can you write me a prescription too please Trey.
Just a time off for good behaviour one will do ;D
Honeyb
x
-
Hey Groundhog, this is just to say that if you're having hysterectomy then you really won't be available for some time. Yes people take advantage and they need a firm NO before they totally walk over you. I used to be a people pleaser but it eats away at you..all that resentment builds up and you explode! I had a huge row with my son this morning as he didn't do what I'd asked (5 times) and his big sis jumps in to save him! I very firmly told her to be quiet. I love my kids and know that you get great enjoyment from your nieces/nephews but there must be rules. That's not too much to expect! Wish I knew you as you sound like a really kind loving person. So get the op before you get older and are able to bounce back quicker. Pamper and love yourself and try saying a few NO's!
Happy New Year!
-
Tell people how you feel... It is the only way.
You must put yourself first or this resentment and anger will eat away at you and you will be the only one to suffer.
Yes the first time will be difficult and I am sure your Sister will be shocked by what you are feeling as often people have no idea.
Please look after yourself and most of all be kind to yourself xx
-
Can't add much as others have said it for me ;)
Make a list of what you do for your sister and what is really necessary to help her
Make a list of what you do for her children and what is really necessary for them
Make a list of what you will miss when you begin to say 'no' - it really does become easier with practice!
Put yourself first. Tell them that you will be unavailable during the year due to your own health requirements - you do not have to go into detail or justify yourself. If they ask why tell them what you want to, personally when I was going through breast cancer treatment the LAST people I wanted or needed were family members >:(
Ask DH to help compile the above - you will need his support during the pre/post op periods and he needs to be able to tell you what he will be able to deal with.
Resentment eats away. This day I am posting a letter to my sister telling her that we are no longer buying presents - see my birthday thread, she gave me a bar of soap for my 60th :-\ - Mum steps in to tell me that my sister is having trouble at work, is having to bail her sons out financially - sod off, those are her choices, my birthday doesn't suddenly appear on the calendar :cuss: - it's because Mother has always bailed her out that she is as she is - narcassistic and not organised!
Punch a cushion. Works for me ;D
-
Hello groundhog and so sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I just wanted to add that if being really assertive is difficult you can achieve the same effect in a more subtle way. The trick is to give yourself a script and use it when asked to do something you don't want to do. For example be ready to say "I'd love to help out as usual but I just can't because I have an appointment/ am unwell/ too tired to do the job properly". You don't have to apply the script every time, it is up to you when you use it but it means that people get used to the idea that you are not always available, they make other arrangements and are not offended.
I know it is hard to draw back when you are used to being so helpful but I agree with the other ladies in that you have nothing to loose and a lot to gain by being unavailable when it suits you.
Take care.
K.
-
Thanks ladies for your replies. I did try telling her last night how I feel but she hasn't responded . She does this - as soon as I speak up she blanks me knowing the effect it will have on me. I feel very flat today and wish she would ring but I know she won't. I don't mind helping her out at any time but there have to be ground rules. CLKD - a bar of soap - speechless. I don't blame you for writing that letter . I can't say my sister is like that - in fact she is the one who encourages me to take holidays etc and is quite generous with gifts I suppose.
I think I need to toughen up and not take things to heart. Damned hormones are not helping. Like the idea of punching cushions - may give that a try.
My husband says it's a sad reflection on my life that I have to speak to cyber friends. I find it helps enormously as you say it as it is so sod my husband and thank you ladies - again.x
-
I can see where DH is 'coming from' but what rubbish ::) - it is often easier to discuss deep problems with a stranger, I could never have told my friends/family of my emotional problems but talking through with someone, paid, qualified, who didn't know my history was the making of me :-*
I have had to train myself not to say 'yes' immediately, but to ask the person to 'let me check our social calendar in case DH has booked something that day' - by the time I get back to them with a yes/no they have usually found someone else! My sister however can stop a herd of bullocks with 'the look' - disparaging and controlling >:( ......... maybe your sister is good with holidays and gifts for a reason? :sigh:
-
I know this is a serious topic but you made me laugh CLKD and that is something as I am having to rest, look 4mts pregnant with Swelly Belly and have done my knee in! A bar of soap!!! That beats the magazine I was given (yes, a magazine rolled up and decorated with tinsel) one xmas.Honestly, if we step back and look at our families, we'd see them as others do but we get so caught up in the same old dramas that we can't see the woods for the trees. On another note, when you are ill, you know who your friends are. The ones who came to visit and did all they could to help are the ones i'll be keeping. As for my cyber friends, I appreciated their messages. It's time to look after ourselves! Do like your 'I'll just check my diary', CLKD too! Very smart ;D
-
It took years for me to learn to say 'no' first and not be the 1 to jump in to help. Those times I jumped in I would then feel anxious because I was then committed :-\ ..........
-
I hardly know any men who find it difficult to say no, even the good, kind, caring ones! I am sure it is just that most men instinctively realise that they have the right to consider their own needs equally alongside other considerations. Women have this right too
-
My hubby is the one who says he will have to check with me ;D. He knows what I am like and that's fine with me.
Honeyb
x
-
Chrislm, you are so right there. Men seem not to have the guilt button that we have. If we say no we feel bad and guilty and worry what others will think. Men just seem to say no then move on!
-
That's because women have been told that we are 'helpers' and men are 'enablers' so we get to feel the guilts! We have been allowed to be emotional in contrast to 'real men don't cry' and have been seen as inferior as a result. Hopefully this attitude is changing but it will take us women to stand up and say 'No' and not feel guilty. Sometimes I believe that we are our own worse enemies!
-
A man is only as 'good' as the mother who raises him ;)
-
Oh no!!! Please don't pile the guilt of a "bad" man on us mothers of sons CLKD!!!!
Taz x >:(
-
Hi and happy New Year groundhog and all in this topic
Just had to say I was the younger sister with kids when this situation happened in our family, but I was also the one who did all of the running around as I drive and sis doesn't and she works full-time, me part-time. I felt that even if she had been at work all day, she could maybe have helped me out a bit as I was getting no quality time with my young children. Like you, I did not want to make a big thing of it as even if she was no help, she was still my sis and still at the other end of the phone to discuss worries about ill parent. Such a difficult time though, I was frazzled and an emotional wreck when I gave in to it - I felt it was better for me emotionally to just soldier on and try not to feel hard done by. Easier said than done sometimes though and not helped when your OH makes daft comments, agree with all the posts about how men handle/don't handle situations except I don't think it has anything to do with how mother raised them as my two sons are very different from each other. Groundhog take yourself off for nice soothing soaks with soft music and candles whenever you can and be good to yourself. xx
-
Children are different. But they will let their Mums 'do' for them if allowed to ;)
-
Can't blame all mothers CLKD it's really not fair. Girls will let mothers do to.
I honestly think that if you bring a son up to be respectful to women then that is much more important than if he can cook or clean. In fact I think the father has a huge amount to do with how the son views women and should lead by example.
Honeyb
x
-
Two of mine wont allow either parent to help and one will. All male. All brought up exactly the same. Some people are fiercely independent and others are very dependent. I think this is to do with personality not upbringing. Yes, when they are children then of course they will let parents (not mum in particular) do stuff for them but once they are grown men then their own individual personalities come into it.
Maybe we need a thread to see how helpful and biddable our own menfolk are linked into their upbringing and also their place within their families when growing up?
Taz x :)
-
Good idea Taz.
Do you want to start it or shall I, or maybe CLKD.
Honeyb
x
-
I said "no" to my daughter today and didnt feel guilty. This feels a bit like an AA meeting! She's been staying with me a fair bit over the past few weeks and wanted to know if she could come and stay over on saturday night. I said, no sorry as I want some quality time ;) with my new chap. I offered her a choice of friday or sunday night but neither was acceptable so I expect she'll be back next monday or wednesday night.
I think both parents have a good deal to do with how sons view women. I have to admit I ran around after both of my two - one son, one daughter - but both are very independent now and prefer to get on and do things for themselves. If anything my daughter is the one most likely to ask me to help her.
-
Thanks again for your replies. Lily - interesting to to hear it from other side of the coin so to speak. I don't like confrontation and I don't like saying no. My husband says he would not put himself in my situation but he is the type who has always spoken his mind and has no qualms about saying that . But also he doesn't seem to get stressed like I do about everything. I asked everyone round last night for nibbles to get rid of all the Xmas party food. She sat there yawning, kids running wild, me running wild, husband huffing and puffing and her partner - who lives away - winding kids up and making them cry then criticising me for spoiling them. I was really peed off!!! I am my own worst enemy I know. She has asked me to have them on the weekend for a genuine reason - I haven't replied. Normally it would be oh yes of course and I will give them dinner if u want - always wanting to help but getting nothing back. My oh says we get the children back which is true I suppose, oh I don't know ladies. I am going to be kinder to myself - take those long baths, long walks and pamper sessions, punch a few cushions maybe.......
-
Hopefully not replying yet will speak volumes. Do you think maybe you give the impression that you can handle all of this better than you do? Maybe if you were to sit yawning, it would make them think twice? I'm a right one to say that though as my mum put a lot on my plate and I think she thought I was better able to do the running as I had a hubby at home, could drive and did not work full-time - but again I did not let her know otherwise. Emotionally my sister has the constitution of an ox and would not have cried herself to sleep as I did many times, but at the same time I knew that mum would not have got much sympathy/empathy from her and I felt that I had no choice but to do it all. Enjoy those walks, baths and punching cushions. :)
-
Yes lily I used to think I gave the impression I could handle it all. Two years ago I had a good job and I suppose I did appear confident. But she also knows I finished work on ill health grounds and I have told her I am being treated for depression and anxiety menopause etcetera but .....nothing. Never a kind word. She too has a strong will but if I do say anything the tears and poor me buttons are pressed. I am trying to back off and leave them to it. I've been on a fowl mood today - I think I need to go back to doctors about my mood swings. I was sort of ok then nosedived. When I am In these depths I feel really down and depressed about everything. I think 2 weeks of my husband being home hasn't helped!!!
Thanks again for your advice Lily and everyone.
-
If I even tried to tell Mum how I was feeling it was "Oh you've got a good husband" …….. and my sister apparently "got those boys to worry about, not much money and has to work long shift hours" ……… so I stopped telling her. I still get the "got those boys to worry about" thrown at me >:( …… but I try not to react!
-
Have you decided what to do about her request for you to have the boys this weekend Groundhog? You sound as if you need a good long break from her and her family..
-
Yes CLKD I get that all the time too so there is no point telling my mother how I feel, and I don't want to worry her. And yes I do have a good husband but I still exist as a person too!!
Milliemoo - I will have them because the need for me to have them is genuine - I have been quite specific as to drop off and pick up times. I have told her if there are any delays or changes she must phone me or let me know as we have made plans for tomorrow evening. I can't be hard because I love her and the children but she must realise I have a life too - I'm not there for her convenience 24/7.
Thanks all xx
-
Well, groundhog, that's what you should tell her. You love her and the kids but won't/can't be there 24/7 as you need your time too. My DH left for Spain on Thursday for a work/holiday jaunt for god knows how long. He was obviously feeling guilty about leaving me recovering from major surgery as he started arguements for no reason. I told him that it was HIS decision to go and that he does what he wants. I didn't tell him I won't be there when he gets back as I've made my mind up. It just takes something to make you snap. When you have your hysterectomy you most certainly won't be able to do much for your sis, so maybe it's time she returned the favours.
Oh and I have 3 sons, one spoilt rotten by his grandmother and the other 2 are great cooks/iron own clothes etc as they were brought up by me! Their partners are very grateful!
ps; Trey, maybe I could do a hysterectomy advice section because the medical profession don't tell you much!
-
:hug: groundhog :hug: rose
-
Thank you lily, I am a hormonal mess :'(
ps; just to prove it ,what's with the xmas theme on the emoticons? They are still on my apps too grrrr
sorry x
-
They will go again once Emma returns ;) - 12 night isn't until tomorrow anyway.
-
It's still Christmas in my house. I like to keep all the sparklies up for as long as possible.
Taz x :xmas: :xmas: :xmas: :xmas:
-
and mine...12th night is tonight, the eve of 5th Jan, night before Epiphany. Today is the 12th day of Christmas (when the drummers came drumming!). Decorations should be taken down theoretically before the end of the 12th night so perhaps get up before dawn to take them down!! (Not!). Some traditions say leave them until Candlemas (2nd Feb) so it doesn't really matter!
Sorry groundhog that's off topic but just sayin'!
Hurdity x
-
Ours are down. Hubbies birthday tomorrow so don't want to be doing it then.
House looks very bare but I soon get used to it.
Honeyb
x
-
No that's fine Hurdity mine are down too. I always leave something up til 12th night but everything else is away and up the attic.
Rosé - thank you for your words. I have made to clear that I have limits and will set boundaries. I wouldn't ordinarily but people keep taking advantage. I am my own worst enemy too so I need to wise up as well and think about what I offer to do .
Back to normal tomorrow . Thank God!!!
-
Remember to tell 'them' that "I can't make an instant decision as I need to consult the calender ;) "
-
Yes CLKD I am being less available and not saying yes at the first request. I think I got so stressed over Xmas everyone was getting me down, I suppose deep down I miss my job - my previous busy life enabled me to shut out all these family foibles. I am intense and serious and I do need to lighten up - I accept that but it's not easy at times. I've got another big problem I need all your help with - medical dilemma - I wil do new post xx
-
Answered your other thread ;)
Lightening up takes practice. Once you begin to say 'no' you will find your brain sheds other peoples' worries etc. so you feel lighter .... honest, it took me years ::) but now ;)
-
When men say "no", they're not always meaning "I won't", but often "I can't". We should do the same, if we're in the same boat. It's only being honest, after all.
D.
-
Letting go helps me, especially when I can't sleep and the thoughts won't stop. Its almost a give up and surrender feeling.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/
-
Sometimes when I can't sleep I imagine that I'm soaking into a deep soft cloud .......... works sometimes ::)
-
I usually get off to sleep ok but wake after two hours and find it really hard to get back to sleep. Last night though I couldn't even begin to fall asleep and got that usual panicky feeling as getting up time got closer and closer. I think I dropped off properly around 4.30, having gone to bed at half midnight, and the alarm went off at 6. Another reason to beg to be allowed back on HRT!
Taz x