Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: dulciana on December 05, 2013, 09:55:59 PM
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Hi
Does anyone find that criticism and negative views from others go ridiculously deep at the moment, and that it knocks your self-confidence on the head? I don't have a reputation for being the world's thickest-skinned at the best of times, but I'm sure I could have taken other people's negative attitudes and attempts to undermine me slightly better before this meno started. Nothing to do with hubby, family etc. - just someone I've obviously rubbed up the wrong way by trying to be helpful and positive. I feel a bit bullied but maybe the meno is making me stupidly sensitive...........I don't know.
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Hubby says I take things to heart a lot these days. I put on a brave face, but inwardly I'm in bits. It's mainly my two kids which cause it with me. They forget I'm not a spring chicken any more & if I am incapable of doing things, which were once easy, I either get a look or a cutting comment. But they're my kids. As for other people, I'm more likely to speak my mind now as I'm less patient.
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I definitely take things more to heart these days and am sensitive to criticism.
In the past I would have said nothing but now I am more inclined to speak out which is not always a good thing.
I do try not to get hung up over things but it can be very hard.
Honeyb
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Oh good topic!
I hurt for longer usually about issues I can't alter :'(. As for kids making remarks etc., >:( they would be called to order. As they grow and want to be more adult, then they have to be told how to be that: adult . My sister can crack concrete with her looks ...... a technique she mastered from a very early age >:(
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I often wonder if it is me or people were kinder and more caring when I was younger :o I can hardly hear any complements or kind comments now days. I can't be such a witch! ... ? :-\
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I think in this more open mind set of tweets etc., where people hide behind modern technology, often they don't think before they open their mouths :-\ ...........
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I fear an onslaught here, but I'd like to see you try CLKD. I bite my tongue because I love them & it's wrong to judge. They don't do it deliberately, it's because I'm more sensitive not because they don't know how to be adults.
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It's just a bit of lack of thought from children....well mine anyway.
Like you CG, mine still expect me to be able to do all the things I have always done when in reality I can't.
The remarks I get are not meant in an unkind way and I am sure if they knew that sometimes they upset me they would be upset themselves.
It's my more extended family that I struggle with because sometimes no matter how hard I try it's never enough and those are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.
I also keep my mouth shut as I know I am more sensitive than before .
Honeyb
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Morning ladies.
Count me in on this one! My self-confidence is rock bottom most of the time which makes me nervous about doing many things. As for criticism, yes it hurts and I am more inclined to answer back but then I instantly worry about the consequences. I have friends who have a much thicker skin and I envy them. Hormones definitely play a part in this one.
Good topic, dulciana, I predict a deluge!
Take care.
K.
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I try not to get upset when I am treated badly. I try to remember that it is never about me; it is about the person who has behaved badly and the 'bad place' they are in. Their behaviour is not my responsibility: it is theirs. When it is closer to home I make it clear that I love them absolutely and unconditionally, but that does not mean that I will tolerate bad behaviour. When my son started to behave poorly as a teenager, I explained that this meant that if he committed a crime, I would report him to the police. However, I would support him through the whole process, visit him in prison and be there for him when he left prison. He has said this made him feel secure in my love and he has grown up a fine young man. I also remember that people have the right to ask me to do things, but I have the right to say no.
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Well, if I am more sensitive - and it looks that we all are - why can't we expect others to respect it and be more careful?
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In case of my 2, I guess I probably should say more, but would rather stay schtum. They don't mean to touch a nerve. For instance when I had an HRT break a few years back, my daughter didn't understand my need for heat/cold & would get quite impatient with me. She didn't mean anything by it, but until she has experience of it, she won't truly understand.
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If they are not told that they 'touch a nerve' how can they be nicer people :-\ ........... if you don't tell them they won't learn and we continue learning until the day we die ......... what's the saying, 'if you keep your ears open you'll learn something new every day' ;) ..... however, at my age, I don't remember what I've heard .......... :D
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I also think that this suffering in silence, without letting know someone 'touches a nerve', can lead only to ... more suffering... of us all. :(
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Mmm - it's not my fault, it's theirs. Absolutely. Or, in terms of what pushed me into starting this thread, I can't help it if I can see the big picture and they can't. Just leaves me feeling frustrated :rant: and as though my hands are tied :-X. Never mind - as long as I don't let it get me down next time I see them, I should be able to ride this one. Thanks folks. Makes me feel a bit cheered up. I'll keep telling myself I did not over-step the mark. Or, to quote My Fair Lady, "I'm a good girl, I am........."!
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Often we can give a response which is not what the person wants which makes them irritated so that we end up feeling that 'it' is our fault >:(
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People can put their own spin on what you say or do, even though it was not meant that way, because they are reacting to their own experience or how they are feeling. That's their responsibility. That's the way it is. I have learnt to let unimportant things go and when dealing with bigger issues that should be dealt with, I try to choose a moment when everything is calmer and say, "When you say/do this I feel......." I've had to deal with awful situations and people just like everyone else. Now I am kinder to myself and kind to others. Yes I do feel hurt when I have been abused, but it is down to me how I deal with it.
I have worked with a physiotherapist and a life coach and let go of anger and other issues. Menopause or not, health issues or not, I am calmer, more at peace with myself and happier.
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Hello ladies.
Today is one of those days when I'd give my eye teeth for a bit of calm and peace of mind.
Best wishes to you all.
K.
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I find the "it's not me, it's them" thing very hard - I tell myself that is the case, but my 'inner demon' argues with me, and it argues loud. As I get older, I'm finding it increasingly hard to silence the demon.
I struggle to accept compliments too - I find myself analysing the way things are said to try to find the sarcasm that must be there, as there's no way the nice comment could have been meant (a quick example yesterday - my boss was out of the office, and I answered her phone (polite and friendly), explained where she was and answered the caller's query - he said I had the nicest telephone manner of anyone he's spoken to in our office, and I spent the rest of the afternoon going over every word and nuance of the 2 minute conversation trying to find what could have provoked the comment as sarcasm). It's my annual performance review next week, and I'm dreading it - not because I think I'm going to get an ear-bashing, but because my boss has already filled her part of the on-line process in and she's put good comments. I've always struggled with compliments and accepting there might be things I can actually do well, but it's getting worse.
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I can easily identify with you Scampi -I just graduated with masters degree and even this is not making me any more confident ... I think there is something from conditioning in it we get as girls - I can hear this nagging voice behind my ears telling me that I was just plain lucky to achieve Merit and it has nothing to do with my own (poor) efforts. But I also think it would help if more people could be just happy for me and cared to give some of their time to enjoy it with me - everyone I know is so busy, so wrapped up in theirs own, so barely interested ... that I do feel like I felt when I was ca 13 y.o. when ... it was very much the same.
Wow! What a rant! Sorry ladies ;)
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My favourite prayer:
"Dear God, Help me to believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is."
Macrina Wiederkehr
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Ju Ju love that prayer!
This may seem silly but in your earlier post did you mean psychotherapist instead of physiotherapist? It is just that I'm having some psychotherapy sessions myself and finding them quite unsettling and I would like to think that the end result will be as good for me as it obviously has been for you.
Take care.
K.
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Menopause brain! ;D
Yep, psychotherapist! I've been on a 'journey' (can't think of a better terminology, sounds corny) for the past few years. If you want to know more, can you send you send a personal message to me? I haven't had any success sending personal messages, though been able to reply. I don't feel able to be open completely on a forum somehow.
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Hello Ju Ju and thank you for your reply.
I would be interested to hear your 'journey' news if you don't mind. I will contact you via the pm service when I can ( could take a while, never attempted it before ).
Wishing you well.
K.
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orrla
Just to say :congrats: on your Masters and getting Merit!! May I ask the subject? That of course was down to hard work - and I expect you did it while having other commitments too...
Yes everyone should be proud of and celebrate their achievements, and above all learn to be at one and be happy with themselves. From what I have read on here it sounds like everyone does as best they can in whatever circumstances they find themselevs in.
Hurdity x
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:congrats: Yes, tell us more! It would lovely to share in your success and hear a bit about your story.
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Hello orrla.
Congratulations on your success and I am sure it is well deserved. I've always said to my children that they should be proud of their achievements after all they are the ones that did the work no-one else and the same applies to you. Perhaps your friends and relatives don't really understand how difficult studying at that level can be however many people do understand, so well done to you.
Take care.
K.
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Hi ladies, does anyone have this issue but with the criticism coming from yourself? I'm having real problems with this at the moment and can't seem to turn the negative comments in my head off! I feel I'm spiralling down and down..... I criticise myself, causing low self esteem, so criticise again etc etc. I know this is a bad situation but don't know how to break the cycle, completely exhausting!! :spin:
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Dear Dorymai,
Most people are their own worst critics. We have that voice in our heads that tells us we are not worthy, we don't measure up, we don't deserve the good things in life. We are not born that way, but that is the message we absorb as we grow up, perhaps relating to how we are brought up and how we were schooled. We can't stop these thoughts coming into our heads. In the past there have been lots of think positive books. Well, they made me feel worst, a failure because these negative thoughts still came, so I avoided them. Now the thinking has changed. You can't stop these thoughts, but you do have control whether you follow these thoughts through or whether you tell them to ****off.
I am fortunate that because of what my husband now does for a living, I have access to books and have gone on the odd course, which I have found valuable. I can use him as a sounding board to help me challenge persistent thoughts. Have you someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to? Would you like some recommendations of authors to look at to see if they would be of value to you?
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Interesting thread. I seem to spend my whole like now analysing and over thinking situations and conversations. I think some of it is down to technology whereby if y communicate via text or instant messaging then you can take things the wrong way. I am hyper sensitive and seem to feel I am responsible for everyone's problems . I find the more I do the less I get back and it hurts. I really need a thicker skin!! This lack of self esteem etc is much worse since the meno - I am being treated for depression but I can't say it does much. I am not happy with my family situation but can do little to change it and so I have to change to cope with it but I am struggling. Everyone seems more important than me and yet if I say something I cannot cope with the backlash and worry about the implications. I hate the meno at the moment - physically it's bearable apart from the VA which does not help self esteem. Psychologically though I am overwhelmed. Ju Ju - I know your reply was directly to Dorymai but would it be possible for you to let us have some self help book recommendations please?
Thanks xx
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Yes Ground hog!
I have found books by Robert Holden particularly helpful. He is a British psychologist, who says psychologists can tell you what is wrong, but aren't much good at making you better! He runs workshops occasionally, but so far I haven't been able to afford to go yet. I know of people who have who have found the experience life changing. Michael Neale's work is brilliant, particularly his recent book 'The Inside Out Revolution' (We all live in our heads.) Byron Katie's work is worth a look at. You might find it useful googling them to see if their books would be of value to you. If you have a specific area you want to look at, I can consult my most valuable resource....my lovely husband! :)
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I have always over-thought things, which puts me into hyper-worry mode. Hubby says I'm only happy when I worry. I've always been like this. But I do blame my mum for it. She was world's worst. She always made me double check things, resulting in me worrying that if I missed something, I'd get the blame. And I did on more than one occasion, because I got fed up checking things!
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Thank you I will check these books out. I'm much worse in the mornings -my mood and negativity lifts as the day goes on. My mother was also a great worrier and tends to be very negative about everything at least she did before she had a brain haemorrhage. She is now different and tends not to worry about anything except my sister. Bit of an extreme 'cure' though - I wouldn't recommend it - brain haemorrhage devastating consequences.
I will research these books tonight - thank you. Ju Ju - you are lucky to have such a good source of knowledge :)
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Yes, I am lucky! :) Another book I love is 'Real Love' by Greg Baer.
Cubagirl, Yes, sounds familiar. For many years, I was so angry with my Mum. I have been able to let that anger go, which is huge, and understand why I reacted as I did. My Mum didn't know how to parent me in a way that would have been beneficial to me. Not her fault; she did the best she could with the knowledge she had. I have no idea about her own childhood experiences. She won't talk about it. She too is softer after being given ADs for pain after a stroke. Interesting. It is wonderful to know that I am worthwhile, that I am capable and that I do matter. I still crumble a bit when I am not treated well, but I have an alternative voice that is getting stronger. The voice tells me I'm OK. So are you. Just be kind to others, but most of all to yourself. Ju Juxx
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My mum went into mellow mode after developing Alzheimer's. But I have always found it hard to forget some of her more cutting comments, which is maybe why I'm very sensitive to criticism. Some cut to the core!
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I am still waiting for my mother to mellow. Don't think it's going to happen now to be honest. I know I am a bit over sensitive but she has a tongue like barbed wire and whereas in the past she might have thought before she spoke now she just lets rip.
I hate being the whipping boy but that's what happens. Hubby keeps telling me just to ignore her which I generally do but the constant niggling wears me down. She rarely compliments. The first thing she said to me this morning was my hair was a mess and my lipstick was the wrong colour. The second was I was late arriving but I would leave at my usual time. And so it goes on.
I was also told this morning that I had changed and was becoming very hard.
Day after day it goes on.
Really bothers me when I know she is just a silly old woman who should know better.
Honeyb
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Know where you're coming from HB. Even before my mum developed Alzheimer's, she could be quite cutting. My eldest was still a toddler & as a result you spend a lot of time on the floor with them. I wore trousers a lot, still do, and my mum had a go at me looking a mess and that I should dress up more. I'm no Stepford wife, never have been. However, I guess that was what was expected of her. Her most cutting one was that the only ever reason she & my dad had kids was to make sure there was someone to look after her when she got old. She'd obviously forgotten, the "Put me in a home" one. I'm afraid I lashed out at that one, as I was so hurt. She'd looked after her mum, no help from either of her sisters. She took it as a must & obviously expected me to do the same.
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Hi
Well, Honeybun, do you confront her every now and again and stop there? Asked her to think of saying something nice for a change? Try!
Does she, herself, hear any nice things about herself?
I find that since I've become invisible because I've aged, with all my meno sufferings ignored by everyone, I say things faster then I think often amused by how easy went out this what I happen to have on my mind at that moment. No one is listening anyway..! At least this is an impression I have because no one complained yet ;))
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Can't speak for HB's mum, but mine became very bitter & cantankerous in her late 60s. Compliments were soon forgotten, to be replaced with acidic comments. I have few memories of my mum being happy, which was in part to do with her being widowed in her late 40s. My brother was always favoured. It was how she was brought up. Her brother was favoured over his sisters. It's just how things were.
It's often easier to accept the barbed comments than to let rip. It causes more ill-feeling which I know I could never live with.
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The worst thing my mother ever said when we were in company:
A friend's daughter had been to Hospital to have tonsils removed. It was mentioned that the daughter had been suffering a cold but the Surgeon still performed the surgery. My comment was "The Anaesthetist must have been happy with your over all condition or you would not have had the surgery done as it would have been dangerous" - especially a tonsillectomy. My mother's instant remark: "Don't take any notice of her, she's only a secretary" .......... :'( I WILL NEVER forgive her for those words. I was an orthopaedic secretary for 8 years, I could have done a better job than I did if we had been gifted with a good supervisor but that's another story: I worked closely with the Consultants, going into Clinic situations on a daily basis, taking shorthand notes on patients to be typed later. I determined then that the words 'only' and 'just' would be banished from our household!
When I was about 6 years old I had an invitation to a Very Posh Party to be held in a Hotel on a Friday evening. My Mum insisted on it being the Sat., "No one has a party on a Friday" so off Dad and I went, to the Hotel, me dressed in a white dress with a pink satin bow and shoes to match, clutching a parcel: to find that yes, the Party had indeed been hled on the Friday. I tried not to cry but I cry internally even now. Of course, by the time we got back to the Bungalow Mum had torn up the Invitation and put it onto the coal fire - got rid of the evidence then :-\. From that day to this I have over-checked every invitation etc. we have been given ::) and would rather be early than late!
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"Children should be seen & not heard." My mum swore that she never stood by that one, but my memories are very different.
My brother got the chance of a decent career. I was encouraged to do secretarial studies at school. My other choice was train as a hairdresser. Yawn. Ended up in an office mind you, not as a secretary but an insurance clerkess. Don't remember her making any derogatory comments about my job though. I was quite well paid, considering.
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My mother was very spoiled by my dad for many reasons that I can't go into. So much so that when he passed away on my 19th birthday she was not capable of doing anything much for herself. At 19 I had to look after her. She then became very focussed on me, what I did and who I was with. It was unrelenting. I was so glad to get married and leave home at 24. We were not really close until I had my first child and by that time she had married again .
If I kept hold of the hurtful things she has said to me I would be in the funny farm. She has a mouth like a man trap and when I was younger she was good at giving a good slap.
I do love her because she is my mum and has been a good grandma. Like her....no not a lot.
Honeyb
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The way we have been brought up has far reaching consequences to our emotional and physical health.
Yes, I am very fortunate that my Mum has mellowed. She is not the person she was. There was a time when I was ready to never have anything to do with her again. She blew up when my son cheekily took a glace cherry when she was baking a cake. Her reaction was appalling and totally unacceptable. This was how she could be with me when I was a child. She made comments that my son and my nephew were naughty. She has always been good to my daughter, niece and my daughter. My nephew recently commented he was scared of her when he was little. Mum recently commented what a naughty little girl I was. She seems to have forgotten that the school called her in as I was too quiet and too well behaved! My dad says I was a little angel. What was going on?
Mum is loving and kind now. I see the old Mum as a different person from who she is now. I had a lot to work through to find some peace. I think had she not changed, I would have had to walk away just to survive. Loving someone does not mean you have to stick around to be abused.
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Just reading everybody's replies to this topic. Is it any wonder some of us have confidence issues?
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My mother was very undemonstrative - I don't remember kisses and cuddles. She wasn't very encouraging either but in a way over protective too - as in not being allowed out alone until I was about 16!! There is 14 years between me and my sister - she seemed to dote on my sister. She is now very affectionate but still doesn't show her feelings much. She can come accross as very cold but I know she cares. I think I come accross like that too . God created a very big zoo xxx
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Hello ladies.
These posts just go to show how sensitive we are when young and how hurt and resentment can live with us for a very long time. I certainly remember plenty of criticism and no praise, I got the distinct impression that all adults disliked all children and would prefer that they weren't around. My daughter once asked me if we had stickers or star charts for good behaviour and I had to laugh. A good day was when you didn't get hit!
The good old days, huh!
Take care ladies.
K.
PS Ju Ju, I've sent you a PM.
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I have to hold onto the hurtful things Mum said otherwise I might begin to think that she has mellowed ......... at present her anger is aimed at a 'friend' of hers, known for 6 months; towards the Church; towards the PO in the next village who are changing owners ......
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Deliberately holding onto to things is really not a healthy thing to do for your mental health.
I try just to ignore and forget. The things that were said last week I have forgotten. There really is no point in going over and over things.
The big ones from years gone by are there but the constant complaints and niggling....I just let them go.
Honeyb
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Hello CLKD.
Being so cheerful keeps her going then? It takes energy to be so angry all the time, I don't know how she does it. Is she very old or is there still time for her to mellow do you think?
You have my sympathy though, my mother-in-law has similar tendencies and causes a lot of grief to my sister-in-law.
Take care.
K.
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When I was seven, my elderly, unmarried aunt was talking to my Mum. I was also in the room. They talked for a bit, then my aunt turned to me and said "We'd rather have your space than your company." Ouch! That hurt!
I've never forgotten that, although I forgive her for it now.
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Ouch! why have you forgiven :-\
My Mum was 87 3 weeks ago and is of narcisstic tendancies . Her anger keeps her going but I have to watch that it isn't aimed at me. My sister 'got it' last week apparently :-\ ...... for not phoning Mum when she was going to be later than planned. So Mum didn't phone my sister then ............ preferring to stew and get angrier and angrier ........
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This is a safe place to rant and say things you can't to our nearest and dearest.
Honeybun is right that holding onto hurt, pain and anger is harmful to both your emotional and physical health. It is not about whether people deserve forgiveness; it is about being kind to yourself.
I am not particularly religious, but I consider Jesus one of the best life coaches ever. He is supposed to have said something like, "Forgive them, they know not what they do." when on the cross. (Forgive me, those of you who know their Bible!) I think forgiving is about healing. It takes strength; it is not a sign of weakness.
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Oh I let a lot of stuff 'go'. But a few hurtful remarks remembered means that I don't get drawn into her narcissism and therefore lead me open to more hurt. I don't want to get vocally 'slapped in the face' too often :o !
I don't see my sister because she too can be 'cutting'. Also she says things that are totally off the wall in order to impress or to make it seems that she knows more than anyone else, I'm her sister for goodness sake :bang: :bang: :bang: ........ she doesn't need to impress me. Nor tell lies to me. Nor ......... so I choose not to be in contact unless it is necessary.
I do cultivate those around me who know me for who I am, not who they expect or want me to be ;)
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For what it's worth - I really needed this thread right now. Thank you!
Without regurgitating any details, I have to admit being around critical, negative people all my life has really left me in a quandary as to HOW one "lets it go" when you can honestly see bitterness and resentment has taken root in your own heart toward people because you just KNOW they are going to end up treating you disrespectfully and negatively in some way.
I guess basically the question is....HOW do you rewire all the negativity out of your automatic responses?
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CLKD, Good for you! We can't choose our relatives, but we can our friends. It is difficult and maybe inappropriate for many to walk away from abusive relatives, but limiting our contact helps.
My health problems have meant that my parents do not demand too much of me, plus I have a protective husband! Also living 3/4 hours away means that we can visit for a day and not have to stay. It is also means they can't just drop in. My husband always escapes when they come here.
LilFeather, rewiring is not easy, and maybe you never completely succeed. I now have 2 voices in my head ( no comments about hearing voices!! :-\) One starts saying what a waste of space I am etc., the other says what a load of rubbish, p*** off! I'm ok. You can't stop negative thoughts coming into your mind, but you do have a choice as to whether you believe what you are thinking. As I said earlier, I have sought help from a psychotherapist and a life coach, which has been very beneficial. But I am still a work in progress. Might not suit everyone though. As I have before, I can recommend books that have helped me.
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Thanks, Ju Ju.
Makes it more difficult to "rewire" when you are waking up to all of this and discovering you seem to actually have sought out negative, critical people to surround yourself with. Believe it is some sort of desire to "prove" the self-critical voice in my head correct. Just what to do now without any sort of positive feedback.
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I do understand what you mean LilFeather.
We moved house from one we had been in for almost 20 years to a beautiful sea front Victorian flat. It was our dream home. Almost from the start we had terrible neighbour problems. I had always got on well with neighbours in my previous house. The trouble went on relentlessly and I was absolutely convinced it was my fault. For these people to dislike me intensely then it must have been. My health deteriorated and I was very unhappy. My hubby was tearing his hair out trying to tell me that I was the victim but I could just not grasp the fact.....until I was asked to a party back in my old street. I sat that night and chatted to old friends who I had lived next to for years. I had a lightbulb moment and realised finally it was not me.
The dream home went up for sale and we moved. I now get on fine with my neighbours.
It's all about how you choose to perceive yourself. You can either choose to believe you are not worthwhile or that others are just simply wrong.
It's taken me a long while to move on from this deeply unhappy period in my life but I do know that it was the problems of others and not me.
It's the same with family. You can't choose them but you can choose not to let them drain you. This is very much a work in progress for me but I am much better at not allowing others to speak to me in an unpleasant way. I am also better at just letting things go.
I know who I am and what I want and simply refused to be dragged down by others.
Honeyb
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A few years ago my sister was ranting at me down the 'phone - she had called me - and I had a light bulb moment and thought "I don't have to put up with this any more" - put down the 'phone and then didn't answer it when she rang. A week later I had a letter 'hoping that your 'phone will soon be mended' .......... ::) ............ she was talking such rubbish and lies .......... now I try not to respond when she rings unless it is necessary, letting her warble away ............... ;)
It does take courage and practice to learn to say 'no' to demands made on us. I found that the more often I said 'no' the easier it became. Now I don't go to social events because of the anxiety, it is easier to say a simple 'thanks but no thanks' ;) ........... I know what I am good at and what I have achieved thus far :P
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2 great posts HB and CLKD. You've got it! You are amazing and no one can change that! I already knew that, although I probably have never met you before. :clapping:
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Hello lovely ladies,
Hope you are all well! - ish?
This is such a welcome discussion, you tend to think it's just you, the lack of confidence thing, not being thick skinned, tired of apologising for other's rudeness, the list goes on. I can identify with all of you. I realise I am not alone.
I don't really have a family, I was never good enough, sad memories of the past come back and clip you round the ear, as if things were not bad enough. I so long to go back 20 years and do things differently, but you can't, and it hurts so much, realising how much time you can waste not liking yourself, beating yourself up and over analysing things to the hilt.
Like most of you it's what I do.
I started a new job and new manager arrived, who is trying to show me the door, ....i don't know, what do you have to do. AT 51, life should surely be in it's prime, alas...
Quite sad at the moment, and wonder what next year holds.....like I suppose we all are, not just me.
On that note it was helpful to read your posts, and just want to wish you all well,hope Chrismas offers time to relax and recharge! :-X
::)
All the very best!
"Approaching 50 from the wrong direction"
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Hey ladies
I too am extra sensitive. I have two teenagers at home and a others who have little understanding for this time in my life......yesterday at work someone put the phone down on me! my joy when I reported it to my boss...to be told she will deal with this unprofessionalism.....yeah me in control and assertive for once.....
Keep on smiling
Lyn :)
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Oh don't you believe it ;) - what goes round comes round ?
Nelson Mandela did a lot of negogiating from Prison, he was offered release on several occasions but refused until "terms" were met. Now that's what I call brave. He didn't have much to 'forgive' because his ideas were discussed and eventually met. So he worked hard from inside the system.
It took me a long while to get where I am but I have a loving Husband who has been my ROCK and he believes in me ;) remember, the more often you say 'no' the easier it becomes :)
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OK - I'll just say Matthew 18:21-22 and leave it at that.
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Just hunted out my Bible!
When I was a very young teacher, I taught a small nursery class in a special school for children with moderate learning difficulties and behaviour challenges. A little boy, who was living in a children's home, came to my class kicking and biting etc. Over and over again I sat down with him and said there was nothing he could do to stop us loving him, but I would be very cross when he hurt other people. He settled down quickly and became much happier, so much so the matron phoned in to ask what I had done with him! Unfortunately, at age 7 he was moved to a new children's home. The state makes a poor parent.
I have found it easier to see the person as separate from their behaviour. There is always a reason behind abusive behaviour, but abusive behaviour is never excusable. It is a choice, but sometimes people are unaware they have a choice, as they have not developed self-awareness. For example, some abused children go on to abuse as adults, while others do not. Some want to pass on their pain, others could not bear to inflict pain on others. It is never about the victim. I can forgive, but that does not mean I stay for the abuse to continue. If need be I walk away. I have a responsibility towards myself, because my well-being matters.
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Holding onto a grudge is in my mind pointless and very harmful to your own mental health and well being.
Generally the person who has hurt you has forgotten and moved on.
If something is so bad then the person who has hurt so badly should be removed from your life or contact should be very limited.
To keep things simmering for perhaps decades is a waste of time and energy.
Honeyb
X
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I wish I had understood this many years ago.
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Hello Groundhog,
I'm up late with stomach discomfort. Managed to get to sleep early, when a client of my husband rang. Grrr! The edge has been taken off my tiredness.
One thought. I find my mood is lower when I have stomach troubles, but bounces back when I feel better. something to do with the production of serotonin, I am told. I know I will feel better.
The other thought. The need to be liked and approved of by others is more about how you feel about yourself. Do you approve/like of yourself? If you haven't experienced unconditional love particularly as a child, it is more difficult to feel good about yourself. Unconditional love is being loved just as you are with no expectations or strings attached. Most of us were loved conditionally. We might be judged wanting if we don't behave in a certain way, or maybe struggle at school etc. No blame attached to our parents. That is the only way they had experienced love. This can make us sensitive and sad.
I can tell you are a very kind caring person. That is you. It is OK to be you. The most important relationship you will have in your life is the one you with yourself.
I don't have the words to explain what I am trying to say. Greg Baer says it better in his book, 'Real Love'.
Sleep well. Ju Juxx
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Hello ladies.
I think being extra sensitive comes with the territory at this time in our lives. I certainly struggle to cope and mornings are worse for me too. I'm irritable and tearful at the moment and worry that I will burst into tears at the slightest provocation I'm also angry that this horrible hormonal stuff is going on and on. I just want to feel normal or at least emotionally stable.
Sorry to moan but utterly fed up at the moment.
Take care ladies, wishing you well.
K.
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Probably the children don't expect too much from you and take you as you are. They may show more appreciation too. Are they at risk, if not, i would 'make' Cmas for myself and let your sister 'do' C.mas for the children and the partner. It is up to her if the partner comes home and critises, her farm not yours ;) ……….. you can't rescue her unless she wants that situation to alter.
You do enough! Your sister is a grown up!!!! so enjoy the children and maybe drop back fro mthe household chores because if it isn't appreciated then time to let her pick up the brush - never mind how busy she is, her problem is impacting on how you feel about yourself and isn't necessary.
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Ju Ju - I think you are right. I want to get one of these books but not sure which one - what would you recommend?
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What you describe about your Mum is conditional love. You got attention when you did what she wanted, but not for being you. She was unable to meet your emotional needs because she didn't know how. I cannot recommend Greg Baer's book, 'Real Love' enough. It is an easy read and I felt a huge weight falling from my shoulders as I read it. There are other books I could recommend, but this might be a comfortable start and appropriate after what you have written.
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I think we need to be liked when younger. Now however, I know who I am and what I expect from others and if I don't get it, then my C.mas card list gets shorter ;). If you feel you are being taken for granted then it's time to step back. However, one should never give in order to get something back, if you give and feel good about helping out, that's fine ;)
I'm girding my loins ready for C.mas with Mum ........ :-X - she sounded high this morning :sigh:
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I think there will be a lot of loin girding going on this Xmas.
We can choose our friends but not our family.
It's difficult to turn off and let things slide.
I am sure that my family think I am a bit nippy as I answer back now where as I never did before. People keep finding me more things to do for mum. I asked my sister yesterday if she would like me to stick a brush up my bum and sweep the floor as I go. Don't think she was very pleased but I am increasingly less bothered. I wish more than anything that others would just leave me alone to get on the best way I can.
That's my moan for today.
Honeyb
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"People keep finding me more things to do for mum. ......." such as?
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You name it I get asked to do it.. ;D
I am good at avoidance though. I generally don't say anything just go my own sweet way and do what I want.
Honeyb
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Well Done! Jot 'it' down on The List and then ignore it ;)
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My daughter who is 27 now and still living at home (she is looking for a place to buy now as she has the money and job to do so) is giving me a lecture that I need to exercise and need to get out and about. She was quite harsh with me. I told her that I did not have the energy to do so. Now that I am on HRT I may look at going to a gym.
These youngsters have no idea. I sent her some links from the internet to read. Just to give her an idea of what is coming her way. ;D
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;D
Hoovering is good exercise, as is dusting: apparently ;)
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;D
Hoovering is good exercise, as is dusting: apparently ;)
I am usually very house proud. Since this started I have been a bit slack to my previous standard. I managed not to hover for two weeks once. Just could not be bothered.
Yes, housework is exercise, if you can get the energy to do it. For me cooking and putting the clothes in the washing machine and dryer was the height of what I could manage on most days.
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I find if I keep going once out of bed I'm OK - but once I sit down for lunch, then it is difficult to be bothered ::)
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Hi I have just come onto this site and have put a thread on about confidence and anxiety just now. I feel exactly the same in that I was never rhino skinned but seem to ruminate about every little negative comment and worry about it for ages. I hate doing this and try not to but this lack of confidence has crept up in the last couple of years. Try to come across as calm but always feel like the duck madly paddling under the surface. Even have to take a deep breath before I get out the car to pick my daughter up from school in case someone makes a comment that I take to heart which feels ridiculous. Hope my new hrt kicks in soon :)
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It's like being a teen all over again .......... >:(
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I have had the same problems. Little things get me so upset, things that probably wouldn't bother me before. I obsess over everything.
It seems that if my kids are involved it is even worse. If one of them has a problem, i have trouble coping and am often at a loss to help them because I am so upset. I have a 14 year old daughter who is just discovering her hormones and the two of us oftem end up in tears!
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So when you are not as hormonal sit down and talk! Having a buzz word if you argue over silly issues can help!