Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: honeybun on September 14, 2013, 12:39:25 PM
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How much do you share about how you are feeling or are you like me and keep most things to yourself.
I am afraid that if I said how I really feel both mentally and physically then my family would think I was ready for the knackers yard.
It gets so tiring trying to have a smiley face and cheery outlook when sometimes inside you just want the world to go away and leave you alone.
Is it a woman/mum thing just to plod along putting everyone ahead of yourself.
I sound like an old moan but I just wish for once someone else could take over or read my mind to understand how I feel.
Honeyb
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HB no one will be able to know how you feel unless you tell them, life is not like it is in books etc. whether you get the response you want, you won't know but at least you get it off your chest.
Just say what you want and feel in a normal calm voice it will be taken in eg. "There I have told you so, whether you like it or not that's the way it is for me"
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Lots of hugs Honeyb - you have had a lot on recently :hug: :hug: :hug:
I think it's a woman thing, feeling responsible for everything, and having to look cheerful about it..
It might be worth mentioning to your OH how you are feeling, he may give a little more help / support.
At least then he will know how you feel - no point in keeping things to yourself.
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My OH does know I struggle. I feel if I start to moan I won't be able to stop. No one wants to listen to someone going on all the time. OH has his own health problems which put mine in the shade and although I know it's not a competition I feel I have to put on a brave face and say I am fine.
He will listen and does try to understand but he does not know exactly what goes on in my head.
I know he never will unless I tell him, but I am sure like some others you just choose not to say anything at all.
Honeyb
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Awe :bighug:
Know what you mean. Putting on a brave face can be quite exhausting. I bottle things up and say nothing's wrong when I know full well I'm lying. My problem is I feel bad about not coping and am scared to admit defeat. My hubby listens but is not terribly good at offering useful help. Think it's my general make up that makes me this way.
So many things happening in one's life can become overwhelming. Take care of you HB as you don't want any more blips health wise. :hug:
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I know how you feel. I have been struggling a bit this past year and haven't discussed it at all with either my sisters or my friends. I have even resorted to little white lies at times to cover up how I feel. For two reasons I suppose - 1. they have enough to worry about already and I don't want to add to that and 2. if I talk about it then it is real and I might have to do something about it. Crazy huh? I need to give myself a big kick up the butt and sort myself out.............
Bramble
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I'm a great believer in sharing. We've just lost a good friend to suicide. Really sudden, no one saw it coming. One day here, the next, gone. I'm not saying that anyone could have made a difference but it occurred to me that maybe they felt alone with problems and didn't know who to talk to? I swore that I would never again look at someone, feel a bit "unsure" about how they are and say nothing - I am going to speak out in the future. Even if it offends. At the same time, I have become more open about how I am, the meds I am on and the treatment I am receiving. Not to everyone - you don't want to burden all and sundry - but if the conversation heads that way (and it has recently) - then I speak out. I really am not ashamed of the battles I am fighting and the more you speak, the more others come out and say that they can identify with the issues raised. But then I have always been open. If someone tells me a secret then I am good at keeping it - my own secrets, not so much. I am who and what I am.
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I dont think hubbies, partners, friends & family can ever really understand what you're going through no matter how much they try or you tell them, unless they've gone through it themselves. Some of these symptoms and feelings we get are hard to convey aren't they.
You do end up wondering if people think your a bit of a hypochondriac. At least on here we all understand how each others feeling, so :hug: to everyone feeling a bit low today.
Delilah x
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My hubby does his best bless him but you really don't want to go on and on as I guess eyes would start to glaze over. My mother is way too old and either you tell her and she forgets or she goes on and on and talks of nothing else. Not her fault she is just old and frail.
I do identify with what Bramble said. If you acknowledge things out loud they become too real.
I suspect there are lots of us who have said little to those closest to us and just try and get on the best way you can.
Honeyb
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Hello Honeybun.
I just wanted to add that I know how you feel but in this last year I have become increasingly open about how the menopause is affecting me and I mention it at the drop of a hat. My husband is tired of me talking about it but I want to be honest as I think it helps me deal with my symptoms.
Those of us who were young in the fifties and sixties are more likely to have experienced a ' least said, soonest mended ' kind of upbringing and that may make us reluctant to be open about our difficulties. That has certainly been the case for me and being honest to the point of obsession is my way of trying to come to terms with my situation.
The other point I'd like to make is when family members say they feel frustrated because there is very little they can do to help me feel better, I tell them that listening to me moan is helping as it allows me to express myself. Of course there is plenty of ' eyes glazing over ' and I realise that they are not really listening at all at times but I don't care, I go on talking! I am woman, hear me roar!
Wishing you well.
K.
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I have a drawer full of 'fixed grins' >:( ............
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Hello Honeybun.
I just wanted to add that I know how you feel but in this last year I have become increasingly open about how the menopause is affecting me and I mention it at the drop of a hat. My husband is tired of me talking about it but I want to be honest as I think it helps me deal with my symptoms.
Those of us who were young in the fifties and sixties are more likely to have experienced a ' least said, soonest mended ' kind of upbringing and that may make us reluctant to be open about our difficulties. That has certainly been the case for me and being honest to the point of obsession is my way of trying to come to terms with my situation.
The other point I'd like to make is when family members say they feel frustrated because there is very little they can do to help me feel better, I tell them that listening to me moan is helping as it allows me to express myself. Of course there is plenty of ' eyes glazing over ' and I realise that they are not really listening at all at times but I don't care, I go on talking! I am woman, hear me roar!
Wishing you well.
K.
Kathleen - How about just asking people to think a bit?.
To take an example, to get them to think about normal things, like putting the bins out? It's not rocket science, happens either every week (recyclable) or fortnightly (usual rubbish).
Last time I asked OH to put bins out he looked shocked and said are you not feeling good?
Strangely enough I was not. I have MS and was totally knackered, then he says are you not feeling good...........
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr but the strange thing is he's normally pretty good about such things :-\
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I think we put on a different face for different situations. We seem to be able to open and close different mind boxes and become what is needed. This is why I love going away on my own and I can just wear my own face!
Seriously though we do tend to put ourselves last for so much of our lives and it can be exhausting just keeping everyone happy. I don't know what the answer is.
Taz x
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Don't think there is an answer. One face for hubby, one for the kids, one for the rest of the world.
It gets tiring just trying to make out all is well when it's not.
Honeyb
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Wow! Thank you for this post, Honeybun. I even feel I'm moaning too much when posting things on this forum!
However, in the last few years, I have learnt to be more open about things with my husband. Mind you he can't miss how I feel at the moment as I don't look my best. Along with being more assertive eg saying when you do this or that I feel...... He is far more caring, considerate and even romantic than he ever was we were young. You should never assume that anyone should automatically know how you feel or you know how other people feel. Communication is so important, so they can know how to support you, if they want to.
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Mine always tells me he is not a mind reader ::) ...... however, when he worked and I was severely depressed I would doze all day apart from taking the dogs for a walk or cleaning up after the cats. Washing done. So he never knew as I would 'brighten' up once he was home.
It is often easier to tell family that I am 'O.K.' as it gets complicated whenthey ask personal questions - they aren't near enough to help and I don't want 'well so and so had this/that/other and did this/that/other' with 'this/that result' >:(
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I can relate so much to your post Honeybun. My usual reply to someone asking how I am is 'fine thanks'. So bland and often just not true but I don't really know what to say without sounding like a moan.
There are some days that the smile goes on before work and stays put as I deal with other people's issues but I just tell myself, that's my job.
Thank goodness for real friends :)
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My usual reply to someone asking how I am is 'fine thanks'. So bland and often just not true but I don't really know what to say without sounding like a moan.
That's me too. Though I do occasionally tell hubby when I'm feeling rough. Think he ignores me these days. Probably thinking, "What ?- Again!" ;D
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This is an interesting thread, so thank you for posting it Honeybun.
I sometimes still feel angry (although I don't know who at) that nearly half of the population spends several years of precious life feeling rough. It just doesn't seem to make any sense. I know people get sick, and that must feel very unfair to those who are suffering. But this happens to so many women that I can't believe that nature intended it to be this way! I often wonder if there is something about the way we live now that is making the transition into menopause so much harder. But I am active, eat healthily and don't tend to worry or get overly stressed, so I don't think it can be linked directly to lifestyle issues.
We are all different. But for me, I don't want to have to talk (or moan) about feeling below par, I just want to feel ok. HRT has made a massive difference for me. It hasn't fixed 100% of the symptoms all of the time, but fortunately it does seem to have dealt with all the things that really matter to me so I can fully enjoy my life again. I just wish I didn't have to take drugs with potential big risks to achieve it.
For those women who can't find something to sort out the symptoms or who feel that for them the risks are too high, it must be very tough. Well done to everyone who manages not to get angry at the world and to carry on being a good employee, wife, mum, daughter or whatever.
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I think I have struck a cord here. Glad to hear it's not just me. So many of us are the same. I know I have said it before but I do look around me at other women I see and wonder how many are struggling but putting a face on. I have to say it seems they are a lot more sorted than I am but perhaps the face I put on works quite well. To me, I think sometimes I must look like a rabbit in the headlights.
Honeyb
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I'm sure all the other women feel the same Honeybun. It's not just women though - men do the same in certain situations. My husband puts his work face on even when he is feeling definitely not in a work mode and also puts his "yep, can do that" face on when helping out friends and neighbours even when he had planned a different sort of day. There is yet another face for the grown up children.
Taz
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Yes lots of faces. As my mother used to say.....as many faces as the town clock ::)
Can you imagine how life would be if we were totally honest about how we felt. Liberating or total chaos.
Honeyb
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Ask someone with Asperger's? I think we deal with others as is socially acceptable as a safety valve. If you watch chimps they will have a scrap then settle, several times a day. Now that's being honest :-\ ......... top Chimp, tells the others where their place is? Where as humans? ::)
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you are talking about a dictatorship then CLKD!
Taz
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Who is top chimp in your house CLKD. ;D
My mother tries to run a dictatorship.....Not terribly well I have to say ::)
Honeyb
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Nope. Pecking order. Totally different. The chimps/wolves/dogs know 'their place' ;) and if they challenge. A Dictatorship has people who will whittle from 'below' until they topple the Dictator ........
I had to put on a face earlier today when I answered the telephone >:( : later this week I will have to put on another face this week <yawn>
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Hi honeybun
I know what u mean
I feel if i saidwhat i want id drive everyone away
To be honest a few weeks ago forthe first time in my life i have fantasized about not being here anymore , and to be honest i have quite shocked myself
I dont know whats going on really...i just think it must be a life stage thing
For me, i finditeaser to keep it in, cos when i have vented my true feelings, no matter how carefully, i have ended up distressing my husband, andthats made meworse in the long run
Hope you find o0some peace, some you really...and lets hope some clever counsellor comes on here to give u some proper advice
Lots of love
Hang on in there
Tingly
Xxxx
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On a positive note.
I truly believe that we are all strong women who have faced all sorts up to now. We will ALL get through this and out the other side stronger than ever. This is NOT forever it's just another stage of life that we pass through.
Now you all know what I say to myself every day. ::)
Honeyb
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Tingly, please see my earlier post. If you have even thought these thoughts, you need to go and talk to someone. Doctor, a mate or even The Samaritans. Please don't think I am being nosey or overbearing but we have just lost the loveliest person from our lives and I am sure they had no idea how much they were loved and treasured. It would be the same for you, even if you may not think it at the moment. As I have said before in this thread, I will never turn away again from anyone who may be going downhill. :'( You are a unique human being. Remember that. I can understand you not wanting to distress your husband but there will be confidential avenues out there. Look after yourself.
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Lovely post Lucky Stone and very thoughtful.
I can only agree with everything you have said. I have an extended family member who seems to have hit the self destruct button and I don't know whether my offer of help would be welcome or not but I won't turn away if I am needed.
Take care everyone.
Honeyb
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Sooooo glad I've read this post...now I don't feel like its me.
Trying to pull yourself together all the blinking time is awfully hard...especially when OH is losing the will to live listening to me :'( :'( :'(
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Luckystone n honeybun
Sorry i didnt mean to hijack the original post , i was just being totally honest.
I too believe though deep down that all things must pass, it was just cos i couldnt get rid of the pain iwas in and i was losing hope
Thankyou for your beautiful and thoughtful responses, and if i do ever feel like this again, i shall remember this day, this time when i do feel ok and happy, and know that imay feel like this again.
And again sorry to honeybun for inadvertantly hijacking
Best luv to all
Tingly
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You hijack all you want.
That's the beauty of the forum. The topics start and weave and wander and then come back to the original point.
Honeyb
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Spider : "especially when OH is losing the will to live listening to me . " your viewpoint or has he said so?
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Glad you are feeling better tingly - :) - all things do pass although sometimes it seems they take flaming ages to do so.
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CLKD
my opinion of how OH feels! But his face says it all at times... :(
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Why not ask ? Maybe his face is to do with his own thought patterns, maybe he has problems that he is keeping to himself.
The lack of communication is the most common reason for relationship breakdown! You could begin by saying "You look a bit down in the dumps, anything you need to share with me or our GP/friends " ......... "I know I've been low too hopefully my mood isn't impacting on your feeings?" He is NOT a mind reader and you are not in his head so unless you ask the question ::) :bang: :poke2:
I need to open my drawer of Fixed Grins :-X
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Had a chat....he's worried about me! :-\
Mind reader he is NOT...you were right CLKD ;D
Hormones obviously impact on your mental capacity also....why can't I seem to think straight these days... :hotflash:
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Good topic HB. I agree with most of these posts and I think it depends what kind of closeness you share or don't share with different people so we do have different faces for different people in our lives. I'm beginning to get more anxious with peri-meno but the only person I really tell everything to is my OH and the other day he said I was hard work :'( I just don't think they can understand or they don't want to hear about it all the time and it does make me feel worse if I go on a lot, so I'm going to put a face on even for myself to try to move through this bleakness that has suddenly descended. Thinking too much is not good for me, but as everyone else has said, I know I'm not alone in these thoughts and this will come to pass at some point.
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Spider - now you know!
Home now - grins back in the drawer ;)