Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Bibby on December 13, 2012, 11:29:10 PM
-
I am feeling sorry for myself. I know I am my harshest critic. I know I am over sensitive and self obsessed. Today has been a bit of a wind up and when I asked for help, the person I asked was nice to me but talked about me in less than kind terms on Facebook and I spotted it. I feel I overpower people with the intensity of my thoughts. I think too much and if I express my thoughts, I imagine it must be a bit of an explosion. I did try to get oil of evening primrose or starflower oil, but I live in Turkey and they didnt know what I meant. I need to try a different chemist. I think I need to take up kick boxingf. I feel like crying. I feel like I am losing my marbles. Notice how many times I used 'I'? :'(
-
Because your concentrating on you as in I
OK maybe you are a boit overpowering I dont know you
But you think you are so maybe breath a bit harder maybe stop beforte you write anything or
Do what I do write read and then edit
But the person who wrote about you on facebook isnt very nice and not to be trusted
If you want to cry liove cry OK maybe you should see a GP about may ads you help you make life happier for you
Love Suzi Q
-
Thanks Suzi. I think I explode verbally because it all builds up inside me. I had a bad day yesterday. I had to rant. I didnt sleep, I went to bed at about 2am and was up again at 4 after laying wet eyed with head full of bad thoughts. Maybe I could see the GP, don't know how clued up he is on menopaus, I doubt I will be offered HRT and even if I was, I would worry about taking it as my mother died of breast cancer.....
-
OK you dont have to take HRT if you dont want to
Theres Ovestin cream Orthogynest and vagifem
Im pretty sure GP will give you thats to help even if cancere but check anyway
The ADS will help you cope get over this it too doesnt have to be long term just a few months
But please go dark thoughts are BAD and remember what Basil said to Manuel Depression is a bad thing
Nothing is all meno oyu may have felt like this before but maybe being younger etc you coped I dont know?
But do go see chat dont be a Biully No Mates and as for the person bin her OK
-
Hi Bibby
It was horribly two faced of your 'friend' to stab you in the back like that. >:( Menopause can make us become more self absorbed as symptoms can be quite overwhelming.
I find exercise very good for releasing pent up frustration. I often go for long brisk walks. It helps burn off any excess adrenaline. Have you anyone you can trust who you could sound off to? Just to get things off your chest might help, as bottling stuff up is no good (I speak from experience here!).
Have you tried self hypnosis CDs for relaxation? I have a few titles by Glenn Harrold and used to use them a lot when I was in the thick of peri. I found them really helpful. You can get them from amazon.
Catweazle x
-
Update, turns out she wasnt referring to me. So I got extra wound up and hurt over nothing. Yesterday was a BAD day. I had a really long walk with one of our dogs. The day was sunny and the scenery was beautiful but I had a gremlin perched on my shoulder and I just felt bad. Add to that the dog decided to not be very nice to a couple of dogs (she was fine with others), I felt very humiliated especially as one dog was actually a cute puppy only approaching to be friendly. The owner didn't take kindly to her barking. The person I approached for help is a dog trainer and she was great and I know I was typing a lot to her but I wanted her to understand the dogs history to get the full picture. When I read her comments on Facebook, I thought she was saying I didnt understand her and that I was thick. But actually she had had trouble with a curtain making company. So..... Thanks for the suggestion of the CD's, I will look into that. I have a friend who does yoga and meditation. I am not sure the yoga will be possible seeing as my knees are a bit delicate, plus hip. I certainly feel I need something. I am thinking clearer today. I know I am not strong enough (in will) and I allow others to derail me (including my husband). It will be a hard habit to break (habit of a lifetime).
-
Hello Bibby (Lynne), I can relate to a lot of what you say as about 10 years ago i felt the same and i do think a lot of it is to do with hormonal changes as the menopause kicks in. I too was over analytical, self obsessed and over sensitive bordering on paranoia (like when you thought the dog trainer was talking about you) i must have driven my family mad at times. I can also remember lying awake and crying but not knowing why. I did visit my GP and was tried prozac and also a couple of HRT patches but didn't really help i also had some counselling but i seemed to be stuck in a loop. Looking back things seemed to start to change for me mentally about 2 years ago i started to get hot flushes and i think that is when perimenopause ended and post meno started. The flushes are not nice and for a couple of years i had a lot but they have calmed down a bit now and i use vaginal oestrogen for dryness and atrophy so that might also help a bit.
I guess what i am trying to tell you is that you are not the only lady to feel this way and although it is confusing and dark that it seems to be a process that comes to a conclusion, some ladies take longer than others. Do not be shy or embarassed to talk to your doctor and i sincerely hope that you can find one to understand and help you meanwhile this forum and the ladies here offer huge support and advice as i have found.
-
Oh Jane, that's a lovely message. It's good to know someone understands what is going on in my head at the mo. This follows two nasty headaches this week. I am in the hot flush phase, and have been so for a couple of years. They're not too bad and I don't mind them. I live in Turkey and if I see the doctor, it wont be an easy conversation (they tend to deal more with colds and the like), but if he can sense sadness, tension and intense anger then he will be on the right track. He may refer me to the hospital, that's the way it is here, for specialist things. I have established this morning that Evening Primrose Oil IS available here and am hoping a friend can get some from her chemist because she has bought it from him. I tried to get it in Izmir and failed.
I feel sorry for those around me because I am sure I come across as a bit unhinged. And I know my husband has a nightmare with me because he can almost do no right. If I said I fear the future, dread what would happen if he dies before me and other extreme thoughts of that ilk while finding him exasperating and suffocating. Its all madness. I will try the Evening Primrose Oil and if that doesn't iron me out, I will take myself off to the Doctor. I tell myself "Chins up girl", chins up......
-
Lynne (can i call you Lynne) i have used st john's wort successfully for a number of years it can help with mild to moderate depression as it levels out your emotions and feelings. You have to be careful as it can interfere with some other medications even though it is a herbal preparation so you need to check with a Dr or pharmacist if you are taking other meds and you can't take it with anti depressants but when i came off the prozac i felt it just gave me something to level me out and now i just have a low dose every other day.
-
Lynne I can empathise with you too over the feelings of depression and of paranoia. It must be so difficult being in a foreign country. How do you cope with that? Are you part of a UK community out there? I cant begin to imagine.
It does sound as though anti depressants might help you . I also use a meditation cd to calm me down. Yu obviously go out walking with your dog so that's great. I find if I get absorbed in something it takes my mind off all the carp. But when you are so tired because of lack of sleep its impossible to feel absorbed isnt it? you just want sleep :(
-
You don't have to worry about being self absorbed. If we weren't we wouldn't survive, think of a baby: he/she cries instantly in order to be nurtured.
When I was obsessed due to acute anxiety I thought of nothing else except me. It was only later when i realised how I might have come over to others. ::)
Keeping a journal where I could rant, rant, rant helped - when I read it before shredding the pages 5 years later, well, had anyone else read it the big yellow van would have been sent for :-\. But it helped at the time to get the anger out of my head and body.
Yoga can help. It isn't all about bending into strange positions but will help calm the mind, enable the person who practises yoga and can be used in many situations. It means that the person takes time 'out', 'me time' if you like. I used relaxation tapes :o but would usually fall asleep whilst listening to them with a cat on my lap. :-*
One eventually has to take charge of one's own situation but it is useful to have people around who can ease the symptoms, by listening, making a cuppa, sitting quietly to keep the sufferer company. It is better not to use friends for this but a professional.
-
Hi Milliemoo, it would be near impossible for me to properly explain what living here means. I don't regret coming here and find the 'differentness' of the life absolutely amazing, that and the scenery. Yes I miss our sons and spend varying amounts of time with them on the internet. There is an Expat community and I have made various friends but we dont involve ourselves in propping up bars and joining groups because it can be suffocating and bitchy and in my frame of mind...-NO THANKS. Our neighbours are all Turkish and lovely welcoming people.
To move abroad was a dream we have had for many years and nowhere is perfect. We retired early and followed our dream spurred on by the fat the job was causing him high blood pressure and his best friend died of cancer one week before he could celebrate his 60th birthday. So we seized the day and moved here. I suppose 2/3 of this life here is glorious and 1/3 is not so good, but not terrible, by any means. Glorious means scenery, culture, food, nature (we live in the country) and weather (sun in summer and some sun in winter interspersed by the most amazing thunder storms in the mouintains around us. Maybe one of the biggest challenges is to be together 24/7, but that can happen when you retire in the UK too, eh ;) The difference is, we can spend so much more time outdoors here. I do take myself off to get some space. I do wish my husband would do something other than gardening. I know he enjoys pottering, but it doesn't stimulate his brain and I think he needs that, sometimes I worry about his logic and it frightens/exasperates me. Mind you, he can play word games with friends on the computer and more often than not, absolutely thrashes them. I wish we could buy nice presents for our sons, I hope they understand, but that isn't the point. I just WANT to be able to have the pleasure of buying them nice things. But with the financial climate, we just can't do it :( We moved here just as things took a financial downward turn worldwide.... Ho hum.
-
CKLD, I totally agree with what you have said. I think I will have to do something proactive in new year before this self loathing consumes me. I was thinking I need put pen to paper (or keyboard). When santa brings me the laptop, I will set up a 'Rant File'. If necessary I will print some off and then shred it, just to hear the therapeutic sound of the lunacy being destroyed. Sadly I dont believe there are professionals here who will listen to me disgorge myself. I take your point re friends. They have better things to do with their life and besides, if I were to be completely candid, the relationship with them would never be the same again.
Thank you, thank you all. I still feel tearful, but much more calm. It means such a lot, really it does. :-*
-
"they have better things to do" - not necessarily! Don't beat yourself: or them: up. Friendship is often not suitable as a counselling relationship. Counsellors are paid and educated to do a specific job. Friends are .......... not. The times I had to rely on others always came to an end: the "phone/drop by when ever you want to" soon became wearying for those who made the suggestion :-\ ......... they may have meant the 'phone/drop by' but when I required a lot of access to help me through, it became an inconvenience to them.
Could your sons not have a travel ticket to visit with you in the Spring? (I can't remember where you are, please remind me?)
As for your husband, is he content? That can be such a relief after being in a high pressured working environment. After retiring 19 months ago my husband sat; reading; dozing; did virtually nowt, in fact we shut away the World for nearly 8 months. :-* He gradually picked up what he wanted to do ;). I would love to be able to do nothing else but garden ;-). His mind may well be active whilst he is pottering, I know mine is ::)
-
When we moved here five years ago, we thought it would be great for our sons to have cheap holidays. But the flights aren't so cheap now and some airlines are no more. Our middle son is coming for two weeks over Christmas and our youngest was over in May.
Yes I know exactly what you mean about friends. They are only human, eh!
My husband is super content. He spends hours in the garden or reading. He had a high pressure job for many years and it was freaking me out that he might not live to see his retirement. So, we took the decision to retire early. Life is very good, an easy pace and very much a life where you take time to "smell the flowers" and "count our blessings". I just wish I wasn't so down sometimes. But I think I will make some changes in the new year, once the festivities are over.
-
So make that list! Making more time to smell the roses is a good start ;)
-
Most of the time I am very much smelling the roses. I have always enjoyed the beauty around me, and I know I am a lucky person to have the wonderful husband that I have (we have been together since I was 15). We fought for this life we had here and it took courage to make the move. Its not all about Turkey, in a way the location is irrelevant to the dark days, I just have down days where all seems black, like having post natal depression. There IS no logic to it. As an example, I have days where I look in the mirror and feel I look a terrible mess and am ugly, other days I look in the mirror and I think that actually I am not bad looking. Same face each time, its my brain making the difference!!
Today I have it in control ;) The day is sunny and still, we are heading off to the market for some wonderful veggies and fruit and to meet with friends for a tea and chat. I am very grateful to all on here for being an ear for me. I really needed it. I now feel stronger and am making plans for new year. Thanks all :-*
-
Erm, remember my melt down this week? Well, last night when I went to the loo, there was a pinkness. Maybe my hormones are fluctuating?? I havent had a proper period in almost 2 years, and I had a checkup at hospital and they said said I was in menopause, but I have had weird symptoms like headache and backacke, like I always did before a period. Can it be that you can be told you are in menopause yet still have PMT and spotting??
i really dont quite understand menopause. I thought i was on to the next phase, -hot flushes and aches. So, to have headaches, backache miseries and spotting, is a bit of a surprise
-
Other ladies have found that they have symptoms of a cycle without any bleeds. It's hard to know where you "are" meno-wise but the guidance is that any bleed after a year period-free should be investigated. It's probably just your ovaries having a "last fling" but best to be sure and have a chat with your doctor.
Bette x
-
I will go see Gynae in Jan. Bladder went south a while ago. I fancy treating self to a full makeover down south.
-
What would a full makeover consist of Bibby?
Taz x :D
-
well I would like a hysterectomy because my uterus was retroverted when I was 21 and prolapsed when i was 31. I had it repaired but it has shifted again. I have fibroids, depending on who sees me. its weird that one scan shows fibroids then another shows there isnt (confused.com) also I need bladder repair due to it sagging. Its putting pressure on bowel and I now have piles. Sorry TMI ::)
-
UPDATE: Big news. I have had a hysterectomy! In fact I have had moe than that. I went to the Gynae last week and complained I had had enough of the discomfort/pain, he examined me as best he could, but had trouble getting the speculum in. SO, I had uterus and ovaries removed on Saturday along with op pn bladder and rectum. I also had an episiotomy where he tightened up the skin. I came home monday, sore but very very happy. I had catheter removed yesterday and though the bladder seems to be wanting emptying pretty often (4 times during night), I am assuming it will improve as the recovery continues. In myself I feel very well, and relieved I finally did it. YAY!!!!!
-
:foryou: thanks for the up-date. You may find that your hormones will fluctuate but now you know the reason! What after-care advice have you been given and when is your follow-up appt.?
Take it easy. Feet up, good book, cuppa .........
-
Thanks for that. I have been given HRT (Estrofem 2mg), and have been taking them, but am slightly concerned that my mother got brast cancer when she was 41. i have checked online and cant find anything to say these particular pills are not advised if cancer in family. The Gynae says its my choice whether I take them. So, at the moment, I am taking them, but wary. There would be benefits to taking them, and so I am hopeful its OK for me to take them. Maybe I wont have so many dark days. But I will continue to check out facts on the net to reassure me, or make me stop taking them.
I had an appointment yesterday, and he was happy. Next visit is in 4 weeks. I am taking it easy, drinking as much as I reasonably can. I am also eating fruit and seeds to keep my bowels in good shape. Mentally I am positive and so far theres been no post op 'crash), which is what happened to me when I had my uterine prolapse op when I was 3. Felt SO bad. This time I am so good its amazing me.
-
Hi Bibby - so glad that everything went well. Do you know why you had your ovaries removed as well? I take it that your were seen privately to get such a fast and excellent service. Did you know that you had three prolapses?
Taz x
-
Hi Bibby - Hope the recovery continues to go well :tulips2:
-
Taz, yes I knew all too well I had 3 prolapses, just needed to be sure of a good surgeon and was also worried that any op on my bladder might leave me with leakage probs, which (thankfully) doesn't seem to be the case. I don't know why the ovaries were taken, but I am post menopausal, so maybe its normal then. We live in Turkey and have the government health insurance, so we had a choice, use the government hospital, and pay nothing or pay a top up and get private in a hospital that is only a year old. I think you know what I chose, LOL!!!
Thanks Limpy, I hope so too. Can't complain s far. :D
-
So you need more information as to whether the treatment recommended is appropriate? How about sending an e-mail to the Ovacome charity in the UK? It's OK for a Doctor to tell a patient that it is his/her decision as to whether they take the medication but we need all the facts first ;)
Glad you are feeling OK. Little steps ......
-
Would Ovacome be up to speed on the safety issues of me taking HRT bearing in mind with my mother having breast cancer?
-
I think it depends on the type of breast cancer your mother had and at what age she was diagnosed i.e. before 50 is seen to put you more at risk I think. There is info about risk factors for breast cancer on this site http://www.breakthrough.org.uk/breast_cancer/breast_cancer_facts/risk_factors_general_information/index.html
Taz x
-
Should be up to date - they are the foremost UK-based charity. Have a look at the web-site then send an e-mail? Or send an e-mail to Dr Curry? The more information you have the more informed choices you can make.
I was prescribed Tamoxifin which nearly killed me :-\ ........... a friend took it without problems but developed cancer of the womb which was a known risk. It's swings and roundabouts :-\
-
Well I have taken the HRT for a few weeks. I took the view that if I couldn't find anything against the one I was on, I would give it a chance. But I have put on a lot of weight and have sore boobs all the time. Having had 2 months of it, I might try living without it and see how that goes.
-
I dont really comment on HRT cos I know nothing abut it did it all cold turkey early menopause late 30s
You know your own body oyu must do what you feel is right IM sending you a huge hug xxxxxxxx
-
Boobs took 3 days to settle down. Weight is not going down. But we have guests, so its tricky to diet. Will get back to that in a few days. I stopped having periods 2 years ago, so I am assuming my ovaries were no longer giving me anything I need (but I might be wrong there). I decided to take the HRT because I read it protected the bones, and other benefits. But I have decided to stop and hope my body will go back to the way it was. Yes I had hot flushes, but they were not bad and I suppose I will now find out IF the ovaries WERE still giving me something. Havent had a flush yet, early days. Will have to see. Overall, feeling absolutely great. :)
Thanks for the huge hug Suzi Q. Wow, to be menopausal in your 30's!!!! Nightmare, I imagine. Was that a norm in your family??
-
YES MUM went over late 30s bother her sisters and we found out that their Dads sisters were the same
I was 36/7 when it started last period Aug 1994 in England visisting my brother 42
At 37 I was very sick for 9mnths with the dizzies had brain scans etc coudnt find anythg wrong
Knowne took a Blood test? When it started I knew what it was and I never went near a GP till Feb 1995
Went through the lot cold turkey got Stemital for the dizzies but that was that
It was hard I had terrible rages and deep sadness thought my life was over had flushes the lot
I finally went cos we tried to make love and no entry possible had tests found I was postmeno
I didnt take HRT I took the MINI PILL and HRT cream Orthogynest that stopped working after 2 years and ws messy
So I went on Ovestin and the mini pill it took till 2008 for it to fail and atrophy set in BADLY then I found this site
Came off mini pill and Ovestin and was put on Vagifem Valentines day 2010 since then a few blips but mainly OK
Did a 10 day reload in December as I could feel some Atrophic symptoms returning Im only 59 in June Im scared
Cos there wil come a day when I will have to come off it then what? The pain of Atrophy is so much more than just sex
If you want to come off HRT and no periods could this be a solution for you The MINI pill and HRT cream internaly?
-
Hi, how are you now Suzi? Have you found there's been any changes since we last 'spoke'? I am chugging along. I can go into some very dark places mentally and sometimes feel pretty vicious. I am on a diet where I am trying to eat as much wholefoods as I can. I have lost weight and inches but could do better but I am happy with what I have achieved so far. I am not taking any specific meds for how I feel. I suspect it is in my hands and I am puddling about trying to find a way of dealing with it.
I know we are all different but how would you react to this being said about you (in front of you) by your husband, to the woman behind the counter in the bank..... "She's no good with money. As long as she has 200TL in her purse she's happy" or "She's like the Queen, never handles cash, just relies on my credit card" -this old chestnut makes regular appearances and its gone beyond being offensive. He thinks its funny. I think its insulting and offensive. So, are hormones (or something) robbing me of a sense of humour or is my DH being an insensitive oaf???
I should add that when I tell him I think he is out of order to talk like that, he huffs and puffs as if I am being unreasonable. But I object being the butt of his 'jokes'. I am not sure if they make me look bad or him. I suspect it depends on who's present.
-
He's showing off! I would walk away if you have pointed out how his comments make you feel. No eye contact. No muttering. Walk away like you would from a badly behaved pooch ;-). How's your relationship otherwise?
-
I have spent many years sulking when he hurts my feelings. But I have changed and now I tell him its not on. He gets upset. I hope he has learnt (but don't really believe it), then he does it again. We've been together since 1969. He wasnt like it then, its evolved over the years, as have I. To give an insight, he constantly tells me he loves me and how gorgeous I am. he always wants cuddles. he just likes being the funny man in front of other people. it's like he loses his head. I wonder if I should shrug it off, but there is a thread of him treating me like I am a bit simple even when we are alone, and when I pull him up on it, he says "I cant even have a discussion with you", no he can't if he's going to tell me things he should know I know, talking to me in words of one syllable, often actually repeating things I have just told him!!
It's massively difficult to explain how things 'work' in a relationship. All I know is that at my age, hormonal level (or whatever) I have a short fuse, a bad temper, I now clench my jaws to the point of making my front teeth ache, -and that's been going on for a year. I adore the bloke. He's a kind, soft, intelligent man who is totally un-sensitive and you can't be subtle with him, he just doesn't take hints. In fact he doesn't take something stronger than a hint. But if I really lay it on the line, he gets upset, puffs and blows and then I feel bad because he's upset (not that he knows I feel bad), it would be amusing it if wasn't so exasperating. He's like a big gallumpy waggy dog. Bit he does like to get his own way. he does it in a non confrontational way and plenty of 'kissy-kissy".
If I grin and bear his 'comedy' when we are out, I look like a prat (a doormat). if I get angry, I look like a cow. I honestly don't know how people view the entertainment. Even talking about it opens it up for misinterpretations. its just a rotten. I feel we are like a two piece jig saw mostly, but I can also see that my piece of the jig saw is sort of wanting to kick the other piece of jig saw away.
I dont suppose this makes sense.
-
You need to come up with some witty put downs. If you make him feel silly...but not in a cruel way...then he will likely stop his nonsense.
He actually sounds like a really nice man and let's be honest....men are great at opening their mouths and letting their stomach rumble.
I would perfect a couple of things to say accompanied by the eye roll as if to say....oh what a numpty.
My hubby and I often have a bit of banter at check outs. He wanders away to look at newspapers and always manages to turn up just as I'm paying. There is sometimes some kind of daft comment about moths in his wallet....doesn't matter that it's a joint account.
I feel from the rest of the things you have said about your hubby is that he means no harm at all.
Sorry if I'm wrong .....do I need to duck. ;D
Just one other thought. I am so much more sensitive to supposed slights these days. I'm sure it's hormonal but sometimes my hubby of over 30 years doesn't know from one day to the next when I'm going to take offence. There is something about meno....changing bodies....changing feelings ...that can cause offence when before it just wouldn't.
-
I am pretty certain you are right that he doesn't mean any harm. He is a very gentle soul, but I have a pineapple jammed in my heart at the moment and it bloody hurts, so anything he says hits home. *sigh* Thanks for being ears for me. I think I need a good night's sleep (cant sleep), a good cry, and a punch bag.
Decades ago the banter was amusing for me. I am just over sensitive now.
-
Has he been diagnosed with Aspergers?
-
My DH is lovely, but he used to make comments about in front of me to the children that upset me. Apparently I was being over sensitive because I got upset. When the children were younger they joined in, but my son took us both to task when he was older. Me for allowing him to get away with it and him for unacceptable behaviour! DH and I had a good talk after this. I really think he had no idea how unacceptable it was or how hurtful. He was showing off. I didn't attack him, but explained when he said certain things, then I felt undermined and hurt and doubted how much he cared for me. I felt it showed he didn't respect me as I deserved.
With age, I do feel I have value and worth now and would not tolerate any kind of what is actually low level abuse. DH has grown up too and understands how hurtful words can be. By the way, my Dad, a very quiet man who obviously loves my Mum, used to do this with my Mum, when I came home. It was most definitely showing off.
I'm afraid it's up to you to tell him how his jokes make you feel, but only when you are both calm and comfortable. You won't get anywhere if you tackle him in anger or criticise him, for he may well become defensive. It's worth a try. If it doesn't work, then walking away when he starts is your only option. Or dare I say it, give him a taste of his own medicine?
-
No, he's not been diagnosed with anything like that, but he's never been checked. I really doubt he has anything like that though. I worked with someone with Aspergers, so I think I would spot it. But who knows...
Ju ju, i really enjoyed reading your reply. I never experienced this when our sons were smaller. But i do take your point about talking to him when I am calm. I did try this recently, but it clearly didn't sink in... To speak calmly to him is tricky because it is almost impossible for me to get him to take onboard that I am upset. If I am more forceful, he then starts huffing like a 12 year old, I see red and I shut up and clench my teeth. When he was young (actually all his life), he saw how his Dad was ruled by his wife. I know my husband is proud of me. He tells me so, and often. But I think there is a little voice in his head telling him that he will be the boss (in a gentle way). He reserves the right to be the controller. He does it in various ways and when I was younger I didnt see it. I do now and I am quickly annoyed by it.
Can I say how much I appreciate your replies. I was so worried you would condemn him outright and its not that simple. I am glad you appreciate this, sometimes from your own experiences. He is sitting by me as I type, telling me he loves me. i will have to talk to him. Not now. I need to get my head round what I want to say and be in a good place too. As it is, because I hang on to resentments and want to hurt him like he hurts me with his comments, I push him away, I build a barrier. Its got to be sorted.
-
I was married for 17 years to a guy who belittled me in public and in front of my children and family, and his target was that I'd ' majorly stretched' down below after 4 vaginal births, and he couldn't feel a thing anymore. If I retaliated I got more abuse. As I was walking out on him he asked what he'd done wrong and I explained and he said he'd said all that so men wouldn't want me, total bull because my children and family would hear it
I can cope with mocking in general but not when it gets personal
-
Maybe Bibby ask your husband how he would feel if someone else acted in a similar fashion towards you in public. Add that you feel 'put down' in front of others however much he believes that he is joking.
"I'm not getting at you but .......... and if you go into a huff I will know that you mean to hurt me in public" might bring him up sharp! He may of course be territorial in front of men ::) but certainly mine wouldn't 'get away' with such actions, I would simply find things to do that I enjoyed.
totally un-sensitive and you can't be subtle with him, he just doesn't take hints. In fact he doesn't take something stronger than a hint. But if I really lay it on the line, he gets upset, puffs and blows - Asperger's covers many aspects ;-)
-
I was married for 17 years to a guy who belittled me in public and in front of my children and family, and his target was that I'd ' majorly stretched' down below after 4 vaginal births, and he couldn't feel a thing anymore. If I retaliated I got more abuse. As I was walking out on him he asked what he'd done wrong and I explained and he said he'd said all that so men wouldn't want me, total bull because my children and family would hear it
I can cope with mocking in general but not when it gets personal
Oh Annie, what an absolute piece of shite that man was! I am 51 and got married in 1987 to my first boyfriend. Now I know a lot of people say that you should never marry the first person you date, but he is an absolute gem and so is my adult son. Both of these men have been by my side through my pituitary tumour, migraines, Interstitial Cystitis and life in general. My adult son confided in me a few years back that he was gay. He was 19 at the time, but it reassured me that I had raised a son who had enough confidence in me to confide in me. My husband is policeman and sees a lot of bad things, but he has never brought any of it home or treated me or my son with anything other than kindness. I cannot believe that men still trot out that tired old bulldust about women being "stretched down there". Sorry, but I would have told him to F off!
-
That's terrible Annie0710. You are definitely better off without HIM. What a cave man. I hope his subsequent partners were as overtly critical of him. I hope you found a sweetheart that treasures you since then or are very happy 'thank you' to be an independent lady :D
CKLD, I will read and reread what you have written to really get my head round it. Yes he has 'put me down' in front of friends (male and female), n a jokey way, and I could say equally hurtful things about him in return, but I haven't, partly because when I am upset I become inarticulate (like my Dad) and partly because if I DID say anything, it would come out as vicious rather than jokey. My face shows it all, I'm afraid. Also, I think people are amused by what he says but if I then come back with something, people will know I am angry, it will then become "a domestic" and make people feel uncomfortable to be with a couple who are bickering. Because his dig was jovial, mine was not. -If you get me.
-
Ladies, in my book you are all amazing women. If any man treated me in a similar manner, he'd, firstly be put on the ground painfully and he wouldn't be getting up in a hurry, then he'd find his bags packed and on the pavement. No man has the right to belittle you. If he thinks it 'funny', send him my way. I'd have no problem giving a very nasty taste of his own medicine. I sound harsh, ok bloody furious, and I am. I'm furious on the behalf of each of you. Even before his stroke, Stephen never treated me in that sort of way, both in private and public, that still stands.
Sometimes we all need to rant and blow off. Hope you all have a decent night.
-
Carole, I am glad you have a considerate man in your life. I know I need to sort this out. I need to talk to him. I have now blown up at him twice since his 'Joke' in the bank. We live in a hot country and I am finding the heat isnt helping my humour. What I am saying as an update is that I havent had a nice heart to heart with him, and sharp implements should be locked away......
Over the decades we have changed. He never used to be like this, or if he was, I never took it to heart. But then he began to wanto to go out drinking with his mates, leaving me with the kids, sometimes going away for the weekend...... THEN I tried to get through to him, but he just didn't take it on board. This continued till I was in my 40's when I went away with a friend (for a craft weekend) and my DH really didn't like it. So I did it again a year later ;D It was the first time in all those years I had taken myself off and the effect was the best lesson for him. Before that, I was car-less and clueless. Taking driving lessons was the best thing ever for me. I was no longer "her indoors". BUT there still is this thing of him drinking too much and also using me as the butt of his jokes. In the past talking to him hasn't worked. I will try again I can only give him that chance eh. He is living with a far more volatile female than the one he met in '69 and maybe I need to lay it on the line so that he cant say he didnt know what it was all about. Then if he still acts the prat, I will have the ball in my court.
-
Bibby, reading between the lines, when you met him he wanted to impress you, was proud to be seen with you on his arm. It seems to me, and I'm no psychological expert, that your DH is scared that he is no longer 'one of the lads'. He knows exactly what he is doing and you are his verbal punch bag. I fear that until he actually grows up his behaviour won't change. Are you living in an area where men are taught from a young age that it's alright to treat their wives as 2nd class citizens? Do you have family of your own nearby? If you took your children and walked out for a period of time, could you go and stay with them? I am trying to think of ways that will give you protection and safety, whilst hopefully getting the message through to his brain that his behaviour is unacceptable and you are no longer prepared to be used in this manner.
I speak as having a friend who was in a similar position, although without children. She confided in me. Off went her OH to prove he's still the 'big man' in front of all his mates. He chose the same pub, by chance, that I had taken her out for a drink in. She needed to be away from the home environment to be able to talk freely. At home even without him there, she felt she could not talk. Anyway, we got to the pub first. Later in came OH and gang of mates. He started mouthing off, belittling her almost to the verge of tears, hers not his. He was being 'big, clever etc', so he thought. Then he turned on me. I won't say exactly what his words were, suffice to say they carried deep sexual references. I quietly got up, walked over and stood him front of him. Then I asked him to repeat his words, like the prize idiot he was, he repeated them. Before he knew it, he was on the floor and I brought 4 inch heels down on a somewhat tender part of his anatomy, whilst pouring his pint of beer over his head. For a few seconds his mates were silent, then one at a time they looked very sheepish and slunk away. He was in a fair amount of discomfort, but still the message refused to sink in. He began abusing his wife again, threatening to throttle her. I dropped to one knee, put a choke hold on him and asked very gently if he wanted to the throttled. Apparently he didn't. Then 2 Royal Marines, who were out for a drink, wandered over and asked if they could carry him outside. I released my hold and off he went, one RM on either side. I have no idea what happened outside and I had no intentions of finding out. Once he knew his wife had friends who were prepared to stand up to him, supporting her when she told him enough was enough and if he EVER behaved in that manner again, whether in public or in private, he would find his belongings out in the gutter and he could follow them, he never treated her in that way again. His 'mates' had disappeared, his wife stood up to him and his family saw him for what he really was, a coward and a bully. Do you have friends who would be able to give you that moral support?
Oh Annie, what a piece of ............. your ex was. No doubt he thought he was a gift to women in that department. Wonder what he'd have said if his 'manhood' and performance had been treated in the same manner. Thank goodness you found the courage and the strength to walk away from him and he could no longer bully you and set such a disgusting example for his children to copy. I am sure your children are a massive credit to YOU. Have you found someone who treats you as you should be treated or have you been wary of meeting any one else?
Right, I'll go and watch the tennis properly. Looks like there could be a real 'changing of the guard' this year.
-
Old habits do die hard. We can drift into situations that become stuck in cement. Men sometimes have to be taken by the hand (or other
parts ;-) ) in order to 'hear' - actually, I'm not putting up with it anymore.
Maybe the way to approach is pointing out that you know that you have changed in recent years. That you don't think you have changed together in a good way?
I often ask Himself what he likes now and what he thinks I could improve upon: he never turns the question to him though ;D. I'm not aware how I 'come across' to others and need reminding :-\
The other tack might be, when he 'starts' in public, to ask his mates "would you put your wifes/girl-friends/pals down like this?" and see what the reaction is. If he thinks that others might not like his attitude ........ :-\
-
Well that's quite a story CaroleM. I take it you were a whole lot younger then and wouldn't consider that these days. :-\
Not sure that violence solves anything to be honest.
Time to sit down and talk Bibby. If you find it difficult to put across things in words then perhaps write down your thoughts and let hubby read it. The written word can have a huge impact.
-
I don't think violence is the answer but then if you were military trained that was probably a knee jerk reaction. More likely to get you charged with assault these days though, whilst the perpetrator gets off scott free ::)
Real men don't need to big themselves up in front of their friends to feel good about themselves, they are the ones who respect women and themselves whilst losing none of their masculinity. They are out there, I have one, have had the same one for over 40 years. I am sorry for those of you who have not yet found one as you deserve :(
-
Girls, in general I agree that accomplishing something by talking is the best way to handle matters. However, there are times when only a physical show of strength works to get the message across. It's sad when that happens and I wish that I'd never had to take such action. I do know how it feels to be both physically and emotionally abused, albeit for a very short period of time. An ex, with whom I had had a very relaxed, light hearted friendship with decided that it would be a good idea to prove himself the only person who could mean anything to me. I was found on base having been well and truly worked over. Matters were taken into the hands of a few male friends who decided that it would be an excellent idea to dole out some retribution. I had been taken unawares from the rear and had no chance to defend myself, I had hit my head on something hard and was groggy. One contrite coward and bully was hauled up to face me, he'd definitely been worked over. I think though that what scared him most was me, very quietly and calmly, informing him that should he ever cross my path again I would be putting him down and it was quite possible he would not be getting up again.
The only recent time I have had to be prepared to back up my words with action was when 3 travellers arrived on our doorstep, 'suggesting' we wanted our drive resurfaced. Stephen had answered the door, told them their services were not required and went to close the door. I heard this conversation and went to the door. One had his foot in the doorway, the 2nd was on the path and the 3rd by the front gate. I told the one with his foot in the door to remove it, he laughed. Again, I told him to remove his foot or I would do it for him. He laughed. I took hold of his 2 pinky fingers and bent them as far back as they would go without breaking. He removed his foot. I then asked his colleagues if they would like to experience the same. All 3 moved off. They left our cul-de-sac. It was obvious that they were quite willing to use physicality against Stephen and that wasn't about to happen. I rang the Police and explained. An officer came around and actually told me I'd done what they often wished they could do, all said with a smile!
Hopefully the written word will have the desired effect and those who belittle their OH's will finally realize what their 'jokes' do to the person on the receiving end of the said jokes. It's an excellent idea and one I whole heartedly agree with.
Please don't think the worst of me. I had taken up judo when I was 12 and kept it up until a car collision not only ended my Forces career, it ended my judo training too. Rather than face a physical confrontation, I have walked the other way on many occasions. Sometimes that has been hard to do. I'm one of those people who cannot stand by and watch something happening and not do something to try to stop it. That's just the way I am made.
-
Perhaps I should remind you Carole. I met him in '69. I am now 63. He is 67 so, if he was going to grow up, hes a very late developer. Our kids are all in their late 30's and 40's and we live in Turkey....... I definitely don't need protection and safety. He is a very gentle man and even when he is drunk he becomes just silly, never nasty.
We went out last night and he was considerate and more attentive than normal. I have no way of knowing if it was because my blow-up the night before has got his attention, or if it was because I was not really joining in with the fun (maybe someone asked him if I was alright). I wasn't feeling right, it had been a very hot humid day. Today I have woken with a banging headache.
-
I have to say that I feel a little uncomfortable with your long descriptions of your shows of
violence strength CaroleM. Is it really necessary to go into such detail. I don't find it adds anything to the discussion except maybe to show how tough you were. Unfortunately it takes Bibby's thread completely off topic and is somewhat unhelpful.
-
I too find it a little uncomfortable.
Physical strength is unnecessary I think and nothing to be gained by the descriptions :-\
Yes let's return to the topic in hand I think and lend some support and a helping hand to Bibby. She has now said quite a few times that her husband is a gentle man that she doesn't need protection from.
Sorry Bibby, sounds as if you had a nicer evening out. Perhaps hubby was listening after all. Hope your headache is better now.
-
My hubby and I are having problems too Bibby. Never violent but he has a very strong personality and can be overbearing. We've had a rough few years and he's very resentful at the hand life has dealt him. He seems to disagree with absolutely everything I say, it's very wearing. He can sometimes be annoying in public but for different reasons to yours, he tends to be very protective of me in front of people which I find false as hen it's just me and him I get no sympathy or understanding. He does sometime make comments abiut the fact we be very good abroad or have holidays because I 'can't cope' which realky irritates me. On top of my rather unexpected disability we have both retired and together 24/7 - he is bored yet won't do anything without me.
I hope you manage to sort things out, I find the heat makes me very tetchy and cannot imagine living in Turkey as it must be unbearably hot there. Keep talking to each other, we have stopped communicatng and I think that's a huge problem x
-
Bibby - you can read, digest, decide if any suggestions suit your current situation and whether some can be shelves on an 'as necessary' basis.
Maybe stand back and watch how he is when you are out and about in general? when shopping, out with others, at home .........
........ and breath. People do change. Sometimes we don't change at the same time or together. Every so often I ask Himself if we are getting the best out of live-style and if not, what do we need to do to make it more fun etc.. "Is there untying you would like to do that we aren't doing this Summer?" is my usual start to open conversation. We also have lists of places we would like to visit either for a few nights away or for days out .........
-
Hi ll, thanks to you all for your input. After a grotty few days, we have been out two nights on the trot and he's been an angel. I hope he's worked out he has recently gotten up my nose (royally), and I also hope he knows why. I am not in any way saying this is now fixed, but if he has worked things out for himself, I will be mightily impressed!!!
Groundhog. It isn't easy being together 24/7. There are times when I wish he would go out fishing or SOMETHING. Oh how things change. There was a time he was never in. Just goes to show. I'm never satisfied. Its either feast or famine here. LOL!!! Sounds like your husband is trying to control you by undermining your confidence. I think a lot of blokes do this. As for the heat, it sends people batty. Especially when accompanied by high humidity. My pores are very well flushed. The way it works here is that we sort of hibernate for 8 to 10 weeks in the summer, do nothing more than drip, and the rest of the year it is truly lovely.
Nothing and no one is perfect. But I firmly believe communication is the main thing for keeping a relationship from falling apart. Sometimes to communicate is hard. But better to try than give up. if its worth fighting for, then FIGHT.
But apart from communication with each other, another thing is to be able to get it off your chest to others. Others who dont know you in real life. Like y'all here. You are like unbased listeners and I thank you for being here. I really mean it, I was SO fed up and you really did help. I didnt want you to all pile in and condemn him as an a-hole. That's pointless, because he isn't. He's an irriot..... :p I feel 'up' and you helped with that. its not done till the fat lady sings and I am not even humming yet :D
-
:foryou: .......... a problem shared etc. and "It's good to talk" - was that a BT advert.?
I couldn't cope with humidity, do you have a pool?
-
Bye ladies.
-
:foryou: .......... a problem shared etc. and "It's good to talk" - was that a BT advert.?
I couldn't cope with humidity, do you have a pool?
I find, sometimes, with friends a problem shared is a problem doubled. Some arent discreet. :(
Yes we do have a pool, we and the dogs use it. It saves our sanity. It sounds posh to say you have a pool, but they are normal here. What sounds posh here is is you say you have a lawn. We had a lawn but when we got a couple of big dogs, their scampering around trashed it and so it is now crazy paving and looks much better and needs no care. Sunday night we went to a surprise birthday. The evening was lovely but it was SO hot and humid and almost no air movement. We were on a huge balcony but I suspect the day's heat was creeping out of the tiles..... After the meal the host was hoping people would dance. -No chance! In fact about half of them left to get home to their air con.... -Shame. All's good here, love to all. xXx
-
Bye ladies.
Huh? ???
-
I too find it a little uncomfortable.
Physical strength is unnecessary I think and nothing to be gained by the descriptions :-\
Yes let's return to the topic in hand I think and lend some support and a helping hand to Bibby. She has now said quite a few times that her husband is a gentle man that she doesn't need protection from.
Sorry Bibby, sounds as if you had a nicer evening out. Perhaps hubby was listening after all. Hope your headache is better now.
Thing is, I didn't talk with him about things. But I really had a go at him when he was (once again) being awkward. He often has problems using technology, and carries on about it. But when I try to help him, he just ignores me. So I really had a go at him, told him I was only trying to help. Not shouting but I laid it on the line. Its rare I get that angry, and maybe he reflected on that and something's changed.
Many years ago my Mum told me I should get his attention more by being a handful, a challenge, flirting with blokes (like my sister). I rejected that, I am a bit of a fairytale person who believes in honesty and stability (not to mention 'what goes around, comes around'). So I carried on as I was, I was a doormat. Upshot is my sister has divorced 3 men and we've been married 45 years. And its not been all sweetness and flowers, he's been a stupid a-hole to me over the years, but its 10% of him and he never meant it vindictive ly. he is just not very aware, not sensitive and listening doesn't come naturally. It IS a pain, but I am here because the other 90% of the time he is just such a lovely, intelligent, funny, backbone in my life. When I moan, its that pesky 10% I am bitching about.
Sun is shining, its cooler today, the cicadas are making a racket and all's well with the world. Now, I think I had better go and DO something before I get a DVT, LOL!!!!! xXx
-
Bibby, if I have offended you, I apologise.
-
Bibby, if I have offended you, I apologise.
Oh Carole, you haven't offended me!!! No need to apologise. We are all different in our circumstances and how we deal with things eh ;) xXx
-
It's about compromise. What I would put up with all month, pre-menstrually became an issue and I would let fly :cuss:, once the bleed began I would be OK again. But if resentment creeps in .......
Let us know how you get on Bibby ......... little steps ;-) ?
-
I'm confused.....gone and now back ;D......am I going mad or is the heat getting to my brain.
X
-
Nope - gone/back .........
-
The only reason I re-registered was to apologize to Bibby if I had offended her in any way.
-
Oh Carole, I'm sorry to see that you've been upset and left again. The written word can be misinterpreted terribly easily. We are all of us individuals with varying experiences and opinions and 'fall out's or disagreements can happen but it's very rare that there is an intention to hurt or upset anyone.
Do please consider rejoining, you seem like a lovely lady with a real contribution to make. Either way, it's obviously your choice to do what you please but I send you my best wishes. x
-
I agree with Elizabethrose CaroleM,
I liked reading your posts, I know I don't join in much these days but I always look every day.
Take care.
Cazi x
-
Carole - you have a lot to contribute and whilst on this thread some ladies disagreed with your approach - I think we need to accept that in some situations having a friend like you is worth more than gold when we are dealing with male aggression. I volunteered with women's aid for 2 years. As you can imagine I witnessed all sorts of dreadful abuse of women and children. I also had personal experience with an aunt - physically abused for many years before he died. She never left him. Many a night I heard my mum wish she had the courage and strength to do what you did. To the ladies that were upset/offended/disagreed with Carole - violence is definitely not the answer but sometimes the only way out! I try to read between the lines when I'm on this forum - we all carry baggage - some carry more than others xx
-
"People leave the forum all the time - admin Emma"
-
Perhaps quote the whole comment from Emma :-\
-
I would leave it alone, not try to fan the flames again CLKD :(
-
What Moi ::) .......... that's where problems arise, when people in any form of media quote what they think is appropriate and issues then get out of context :-\
-
I'm lost girls - going over my head :o probably for the best ::)
-
You're not lost, you're here >wave< - if you can remember where here is :whist:
-
Oh crikey, mid-afternoon I jumped up and shouted "We haven't eaten lunch yet!" ...... apparently we had, shortly after 12.30 :-\ - sorry, meandering again :sigh: