Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Other Health Discussion => Topic started by: groundhog on November 20, 2016, 12:02:38 PM
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Morning all,
Just wanted your opinion ladies.
Some of you know my story - too much to repeat but basically I've had health problems all my adult life, but the last two years have been hellish following a perforated bowel. I find now my health anxiety is dreadful but this is hardly surprising - apart from the damage to my bowel, I've been told I have a hernia, gallstones, a brain lesion, and now more recently abnormal liver function tests. On top of this I feel exhausted every evening but generally I suppose I'm ok, I can do what I need to do but have to pace myself, a term my husband hates and has before now told me to get a grip.
My husband seems to have turned against me almost. As soon as I mention my health he gets angry. He admits he is resentful at the situation and feels I should deal with it better and not be so miserable.
I could go on but I just wanted to know if there are any of you lovely ladies who have long term health issues, how are you supported? Is your OH your rock or has that strength diminished over time?
My daughter is lovely and we are very very close, but she has a new baby and she depends on me to help her. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to. Am I expecting to much from him.
He says he is completely peed off and this should be a happy time in our life and basically what has happened to me has ruined it.
Thanks for reading xx
I wasn't sure whether to tag onto my other long thread so if the mods want to move it please do x
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Oh Groundhog, my heart goes out to you. Sounds a miserable git, completely lacking in compassion and kindness. None of us want to be ill for goodness sake and he needs reminding that it could be him one day. No one knows how life is going to treat us and he may one day have a shock diagnosis that will change his whole life. And who will he turn to eh? Will you tell him to get a grip? No, I don't think so. Very angry on your behalf.
I have cancer and have had a huge 7 hour operation and am undergoing chemotherapy. My OH couldn't be more supportive thank goodness and he often says 'it could have been me'.
I hope your OH will stop being so selfish and give you the support you need. Big hugs.x
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Thank you Marras - thing is I think he'd be ok if it was cancer, he often says I should be grateful and stop complaining. I do try and get in with life though, I make an effort but if I'm feeling awful, it's hard to paint a smile on just for him. He's not feeling well himself but it's partly self inflicted, it's almost as if when this happened his resentment made him very selfish - - he won't let HIS life be affected and so for example he's started going off with his friends for the day. Which is fine but biy do I need someone to help me through this. One of my liver function tests is 5 times what it should be - I went to have it repeated on Friday and told the plebotomost my worry and she said if it's off the scale and dangerous, the hospital will get in touch. No phonecall thank God but I happened to say I felt shivery again and igetit in the neck then with him saying ' well it can't be that bad or they would have phoned'. Absolutely no sympathy at all, he says he does try but if you love someone, should it be this difficult for him to support me?
Thank you and so glad your husband is supportive. I'm not sure if you were healthy upto this point, maybe that's part of the problem here, my health issues have been going on for ever xxx
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Never had any major health issues, but my hubby has been supportive during & after illness. I'm sure we'd both support one another if either of us became severely incapacitated through poor health, it's what we signed up for nearly 40 years ago.
It maybe should be a happy time in our lives, but not everyone is dealt a good set of cards. I would be really angry if my hubby carried on like that GH. If anyone deserves to be resentful it's you! It's your body which has let you down, not his. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Bet you'd carry on looking after him & being supportive. Nuff said.
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Your husband may be scared that the capable woman he thought he knew has disappeared. My Dad could support anyone except my Mum. When she had something that kept her in bed he would bury his head; not offer a hot water bottle or warm drink for example. With us kids or the neighbours he would move mountains to give help and sympathy.
They would have huge rows about it each time she recovered. Understandably Mum would be upset but probably Dad couldn't express what he felt. maybe it was panic attacks?!? :-\ ……
What support services could you access outside of the home? Is there a Stoma Nurse that you could take with, is the heightened liver function tests in anyway related? The liver is a good organ in that it can regenerate but sometimes it gets out of kilter ::). About the brain lesion: what were you told about it, maybe it's not going to cause any problems and wouldn't have been found without a scan? Again, if necessary ring the Dept and speak to someone 'in the know'? Or ask your GP if that particular part of your history needs any follow-up?
Don't tell your husband that you are 'pacing' yourself, get on with what you are able to do each day and ignore the rest. Does he notice what isn't done each day? Don't give him a reason to fire back his dislike of your current situation. He's said his 'piece' about expecting you to 'deal better' with how your health is, next time tell him to shut is gob!??? that you have 'heard it all B4 and your attitude hasn't the capability of altering where we are right now!' Then walk away. Don't shout. Quietly impress on him that how he feels is his problem and he shouldn't be making it yours.
Does your daughter not have a partner, she doesn't really depend on you, surely? That's how you see the situation but she needs to learn to deal!!! Is he good with the baby, if so, sit back and let him be ………..
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Great post from CLKD with very wise and constructive advice.
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Well said Sparkle.
Had my DH not been supportive he would have been out the door :bang:. There are support agencies for spouses which Groundhog's husband should have the sense about and be adult enough to access.
There is 'no fault to call' ……… does the DH want 'out' of the marriage? Is he ratty because he is trying to push his way to Divorce :-\
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Thanks all,
Il reply from the bottom up lol.
No CLKD I really don't think he wants out, infsct any mention of that and it makes him much worse. I think as the very wise Ju Ju has said before he is struggling mentally and physically. Since he finished work he has put on weight and has osteoarthritis, he is having a mid life crisis I think dreaming of the days he could run a marathon and now can't walk down the road. But no I know none of this excuses his attitude towards me, he would say I bringthe worst out in him. Maybe I am used to him always being there and finding the right words but now he has his own problems, he can't.
Sparkle - 8 have thiught about moving out but never see it through. I've tired being more cheerful and it definitely makes a difference to how he is to me but sometimes I can't hide it and why should I but then again, no one wants to live with a negative nelly do they.
CLKD again no sorry my daughter doesn't really depend on my p, her partner is great but she has grown up with me being unwell and I think she too is pretty devastated at what happened. If I'm unwell, she notices and gets sad and I suooose in a way I don't want to spoil this time with her beautiful baby.
Hi Menomale, thank you for your input. Re the blood tests yes it was the ALT and ALP and I'm really hoping it's nothing as when you Google it, well say no more!
I'm not on HRT for several reasons the main one being I don't really have enough symptoms to justify it, I don't get hot flushes, I am moody but that could be anything and I was moody before so no change there. I have considered it as I am sore down below now and then - I'm afraid my botched op means I can no longer have intimacy - -I am on vagifem though which should help the soreness.
Cubagirl hasty - hello. I know I've painted a bad picture of my oh. He does have many good sides and perhaps I am expecting too much and nit taking note of the fact he has problems. But we will try and talk again, he's mentioned relate so we may give that a try.
Thanks all for your input again 💐💐
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There is a very good quote:
If you want to be strong, learn to fight alone
Bramble
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Well we are all different Bramble. Ultimately we are all alone in our battles but it is nice to have some support along the way 🤔
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GH, when I'm better I will answer you. Meantime, I just want to send you my love.
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So make that appt. for Relate because there is a long waiting list.
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Relate sounds a good idea, and if your DH has suggested it, he must want to try, so that's a good sign.
Over the last few years my health has deteriorated and now our life has completely changed.
My DH is a man of few words, so if I am expecting to HEAR compassion, I won't hear it......His life has had to alter too because of me. I need plenty of help, but I have to ask because like your DH he doesn't just offer. Nor is he the type of man that speaks up for me , for instance I wish he would get a bit angry during my hospital appointments, as like you my operation went badly wrong.......But anyway he is NOT the sort of person to do that, and I accept that.........
I also have young grandchildren, but they are hard work......perhaps you are trying to take on too much ?.......
I don't think your DH is going to change, and you say he doesn't want a divorce, so can you live with what sounds like ......a man that just doesn't do compassion?
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Lying here wide awake. So your post brought back memories of my sister when she was terminally ill. My DIL wouldn't let her discuss the fact she was dying. Apparently she was to be positive. He withdrew from her physically and emotioanally. Sometimes she just wanted a cuddle. Yes I know he was grieving and couldn't or wouldn't go there. Whatever he was feeling, he didn't have self awareness to realise his behaviour was cruel when all my sister needed was loving kindness. Yes I am being judgemental, perhaps as I'm in a low ebb tonight. (New Hospital room mate hasn't let up coughing so far)
Anyway, I'm rambling something to do to. pass the long hours of night.
Everyone's worth and value is a given in this world. How we choose to behave is our own responsibility and loving someone does not mean tolerating and thereby colluding with abusive behaviour. You have dealt with this situation for a long time. Relate can be beneficial if you both want to stay together or to decide whether staying together is really the best course of action. No one can tell you what is the right thing to do. And I know not having a partner in your situation might make you feel vulnerable. There is a lot to think about. A lot of questions to ask yourself. What scares you? Being alone or on a unhappy comfort zone.
No idea if my ramble makes sense, but hospital roommate has stopped coughing and has started SNORING VERY LOUDLY! Will she survive the night or will I smother her?
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Just an update on roommate! Still alive! So no news on any murder commited in southern hospital by fellow patient on the news this morning! And yes she is still snoring very loudly!
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The lady can't help being so ill, but so am I. I'm not feeling a nice person today.
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:foryou: :hug: :bighug: for you JU JU. I do hope you get a better nights sleep tonight....Ear Plugs ??
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Did you book that appt with Relate yet?