Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Farrid on May 04, 2013, 04:02:45 PM
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I've got a 14 yr old daughter who, my hubbie and I think may be self harming. :'(
Last year maybe, October time, two police officers visited our home, under the impression that someone from our house had been in touch with Childline. Apparentely, this person had told Childline, they had suicidal thoughts, wanted to run away from home and do harmful things to themselves. They were at our house well over an hour, "interviewing" myself, my in-law and my two daughters, my hubbie was at work. Initially they would not tell us why they were there, until they had interviewed my 14 yr old. when they told me, I was totally shocked, as there is no reason why anybody in our household should feel this way.
I have been married for 21 years, not going through any divorce, both hubbie and I are working full time, we have nice holiday's, plenty of good food etc, etc. Anyway, the following Monday, a Social worker turns up, again we go through all the questions, she even goes for a neb in the bedrooms, to make sure my kid's have proper beds :-\ and that we have smoke alarms ( crazy eh???) She leaves satisfied that no abuse or foul play is in place, and tells us that a report will follow.
Sometime later, sorry I cannot remember when, I was putting something away in my daughters wardrobe, when I caught site of a letter, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I did. It was a letter to some girl, who had apparently been saying nasty things to her, and that she felt like poo and that she had been in touch with Childline, something that she had denied at the time of the police visit, and Childline had advised her to write her feeling down, which is what I found. I was devastated, but felt like I couldn't confront her, because I had invaded her privacy, and also she was showing no signs of bullying or of being depressed.
I went and saw the Social worker, and she said that when she had been to see my daughter in school, which is standard procedure, she saw a girl who was happy at school, had friends and didn't seem particularly unhappy. As did the school, they were not concerned about her they hadn't noticed anything amiss, and we have never been summoned to school.
Fastforward to this week, my in-law was making a brew, when what I know now is a blade from a pencil sharpener, fell from the kettle, at the time I didn't have a clue what the hell it was, so just brushed it off, pathetic I know. Today, I noticed that as my daughter put on her wrist watch, she had a few scratches on her wrist, then alarm bells were well ringing. As my hubbie and I were putting the car away, were discussing what I saw. He told me that he had been talking to our elder daughter, and she told him that she had noticed scratches on her legs ( they both share a bedroom) so my Hubbie started to investigate, he looked in her bed and found blood in it, then looked in the wardrobe and in a little box found two pencil sharpener blades. I just feel so bloody stupid, for not picking up on any of this, and I just don't know what to do, and before half term finished I bought her a compass, 'cos she said they were compass work, may be she was using this.
Where do we go from here????? Please, if anyone can help, I will be very grateful
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Hi Farrid
Firstly, you may have been better to put this in private lives if you don't want just anyone to be able to read it. Emma could move it for you.
How worrying, but I think it sounds like your daughter may be calling out for help or attention - you don't need to tell her that you've been snooping as the blood is there to see as will be the scars and the first blade fell from the kettle. It's not a reflection on you or your husband or her home life as it seems to stem from being bullied. I'd sit her down, just the two of you to discuss 'your worries' on what you've seen and let her know that you are not angry with her and want to help and see what she says. She is at such a vulnerable age, her hormones will be all over the place - if she knows she is loved and you are there to help, to take her and a friend for fun days out at weekends etc the problem might well resolve itself. Let us know how you get on.
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Firstly - why has Childline 'told' on this child? I thought the phone line was confidential.
Although your daughter may be doing well in School, have you been to see the Head of Year since the Social Worker attended your home? Was your daughter interviewed at home with you present, this is a legal requirement until the age of 18. The Social Worker should have told you that she was visiting with your daughter in School, who was also present?
Maybe a sit down round the table and put ideas into the open? Explain that we all have problems and some are difficult to talk about within families even though we should be open with each other ..... but if your children are unable to talk to you and their Dad, would they like the opportunity of talking with someone else? perhaps a GP, Practice Nurse ..........
I know from experience that there was no way I could have told my parents half what was in my head :-\ and some of those thoughts only came out when I had professional counselling.
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Hi Farrid
Lily is right, it's not a reflection on you and your husband.
Does your elder daughter know all that has gone on? If so, does she have any suggestions as to what to do.......
I know she also is young, but she's closer to her sister in age, and may want to help, and/or have ideas as to what to do
All you can do is be there for all concerned.
The main thing is keep calm and don't panic
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What a huge worry for you Farrid. Whichever way you decide to do this, I would say get it out in the open and don't allow it to escalate. I am very straight talking and if it were one of mine, I'd just lay my cards on the table. I wouldn't mess around, waiting and hoping and watching. But that's just me .... you may be entirely different. :)
It certainly is no reflection on you or hubby so don't even go there! From what I understand from your post she may be getting bullied by just one girl. I think this is the key because you say the school and social worker reckon she is fine and has friends. Who is this girl and does she go to the same school?
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Not a reflection on you but this is not something that can be ignored.
She is having problems with something and you are going to play detective to find out what. She is a child and as much as she could be easily led by others her age.....She can be subtly questioned by you. Get your older daughter onside to help find out what is going on.
There will be help for you.....try the computer to find out if there is a help line. You must talk to someone who has experience of this kind of thing.
Don't confront her until you have spoken to someone who can tell you how to deal with things.
Teens can hide so much but there will be school work/pressure, a boy, personal appearance or girls bullying her. How is her weight.....is that an issue.....either over or under.
I have an 18year old daughter and being able to read between the lines has been so important over the teen years. I usually could tell when something was bothering her and we would go out shopping. Just in general conversation I would ask some questions and it would eventually come out.
You need to play this carefully and with help from experts.
Keep posting and we will listen and try to help.
Honeyb
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Thanks for all your replies. At the moment we are deciding what to do next. It makes me feel physically sick.
Apparently, Child line thought the "problem" my daughter was telling them, was serious enough to alert the police, she had been in touch with them via their website. The police interviewed all of us separately, including both my daughters, I thought it was illegal too. The social worker went into school to speak to my daughter with my permission, and she didn't think anything was amiss.
Does anyone think I should get in touch with school tomoz??? And ask if they have noticed anything??
Again, thanks for alll your help.
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It's important that you do get in touch with school - communication between everyone involved is the key to getting to the bottom of this. I would make an appointment to speak to her Head of Year or her form tutor - whoever you think is best placed to give you a good overall of your daughter's behaviour within school.
Don't be fobbed off either - sometimes a school will brush such problems under the carpet as referrals etc. can often be seen to reflect badly on the schools overall profile.
Taz x :hug:
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Is there no professional help available to you ?
A trip to your GP perhaps or call social work.
I agree with Taz. Does she have a guidance teacher who deals with her on a regular basis.
Honeyb
X
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It's important that you do get in touch with school - communication between everyone involved is the key to getting to the bottom of this. I would make an appointment to speak to her Head of Year or her form tutor - whoever you think is best placed to give you a good overall of your daughter's behaviour within school.
Don't be fobbed off either - sometimes a school will brush such problems under the carpet as referrals etc. can often be seen to reflect badly on the schools overall profile.
Taz x :hug:
I'd say Form Tutor, after all they would see her on a daily basis whereas the HOY would not see her so often and wouldn't know her so well. I think you should discuss this with your daughter too because if someone sees you up the school they will, without doubt tell your daughter.
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If the Police interview under 18s with the parents permission they should have a woman present too.
Have you spoken to your daughters yet?
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I was wondering that too. What has your daughter said about what's happening. She must have been scared but now she knows that you know what has been happening perhaps she would be more willing to talk to you.
Honeyb
X
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Hi
Any organisation has a duty of care to inform the relevant authorities if they feel there is a safe guarding issue i.e. there is a danger that the client is a danger to themselves or someone else.
It doesn't matter if you have a good home life, family etc. young people are under a lot of peer pressure to conform to a standard of looks, size, dress etc. It is bullying and it is nasty in the extreme, you need to get to the bottom of this before the situation deteriorates.
I can't tell you how to do this as I don't know you or your Daughter but you must deal with it one way or another.
Good luck
Smudgesmum xxx
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Thanx guys for your help. Here's an update.
Monday we confronted her, she told us she was fat. She is a tall girl for her age, well over 5"8 but is defo not fat. Last year both of us lost a considerable amount of weight, I lost 3 stone and she must have lost 2 stone, so she definitely is not fat. To be honest, I think that was a cover up, she would not tell us any more, I asked if everything was going okay at school and she said yes. She did say that some of her friends are doing it, and I can see why her friends are doing it because a lot of them do have serious issues going on, perhaps my daughter just wants to fit in. I don't know.
Anyway, yesterday I went to see the social worker who came to see us, and she said that they can't help us anymore as my daughter is not at risk, but she did point me towards some help. There is an outreach team who work with youngsters and can help them, it is all confidential, so even if they find out what's wrong they are not at liberty to tell us unless it really is serious. So at the moment we are waiting for them to get in touch with us.
And on Friday I have an appointment with the head of the key stage 3 team. I know she wont be able to tell me anything about her friends lives, but at least I will have made her aware of the problem.
Thanx for listening to me, very much appreciated :)
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Certainly the School needs to be aware that you know something is amiss.
The Social Worker seems to have had useful pointers too. Keeping communication open can be difficult when any one clams up, maybe have a few of your daughters' friends over for a pizza evening ? so that they can laze around ......... sometimes issues are raised when they are all together feeling 'safe'. Keep us up to date :foryou:
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Thanks CLKD :-*
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You are welcome!
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Just to update, I went into school on Friday am, spoke to the head of yr 9, and she said that my daughters tech teacher was concerned, because she was upset in his lesson, and it was totally out of character for her, so me going in, gave the head teacher a good excuse to see her.
Which she did, and my daughter told her that she was concerned about another friend of hers, who had lost a parent to cancer recently. Anyway, the outcome is, that the school counsellor will have some sessions with her.
Honestly, I know a lot of you have children who are probably all grown up, but I really did not know, just how hard parenting teenagers who have issues can be. My other daughter is nearly 18 now, and she just sailed through it. You really don't think that 2 kids so different, can come from the same parents eh???
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You just have to take it as it comes with teenagers.
Glad to hear someone is going to be talking to your daughter.
Honeyb
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It's good that the school are getting involved.
Re two children with same parents being so different.
My last neighbour, well 13 years ago, had 2 sons who were so wildly different that she commented "how can this happen when they come from the same stable?"
Both nice lads, just very different to each other.
Hope you are feeling calmer in yourself
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I agree if I didnt kow better id say I was swapped at birth
I dont look like my MUM or Dad I dont have their personalities both very selfish amd selfcentred Dad still is
He moved and didnt tell me why would he bother I dont count never have
Im quick to anger and quick to forgive I dont gossip never have rows with freinds Im not a jel person
Im kind Im a good listener Im the person you come to with your problems
Im loyal trustworthy give anyone anything love to make people happy I sound st like but im not I just dont like rows
I was brought up in a house where rows screams and insults were normal I was battered by MUM to rid her of rage
My borther whom i loved to the moon and back was self centred very selfish and the sun rose and set around him
Just like my MUM Money was his god that and booze Mums was money and script drugs and he was worshipped
He was brilliant at school as were my parents all 3 passed 11 plus I failed I was acedam thick as a brick
I was a lier a whore stupid an idiot BUT look at your brothers hes brilliant and he didnt go to private primary like you
Yet for all his failings my brother loved me adored me respected me till the day he died it was always MY SIS
He took the blame for loads of things cos he knew even at 6 Id get battered and never him
Lifes hard I could have done so many things I could have taken drugs they6 were always in the house
Could have drank myself in to stupours I never did could have been the whore i was told I was
There only been Bobbles I was the total opposite of my parents and brother and IT haunted me till 2003 when I broke
You dont kow really whats going on it could be something like shes scared of her sexuality?
Maybe she is being bullied mentally by some people?
Maybe shes scared of death my cousins daughter was and had to have Therapy for a couple of years in UK
Do you row? Home life can be so disabling to a child and an adult
Really though all you can do it sit her down tell her you kow theres probably more than she saying thats bothering her
BUT you wont push but your there it doesnt matter what it is anything in the world you love her unconditionally xxx
I told my son that at 15 when his pal rang me and said MRS SUE check on >>>>> hes having problems this was his pal
He was having problems it took us 2 years to get him to tell us when he did he was stunned it made no difference
Hes now married happy with a lovely wife and maybe one day children who knows
Id loved to have had a so called normal family a MUM I could have loved and respected who loved me back
But for me it wasnt to be Bobbles parents died in a plane crash when he was 13 but he always knew he was adored
I recon God said OK Suzi Q your having him hes having you you fit and will always love and be there for each other
You will sort it it may take 2 years like it did for me and Bobbles but with a loving MUM and family how can you fail :-*
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What is 'normal'. Parents often parent the way they were parented .........
Glad the School have taken a positive attitude. It is easy during our teens to worry that the same stuff will happen in our family that is happening around us .........