Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Roseneath on September 20, 2018, 02:07:18 PM
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Is there anything you have never told your nearest and nearest or would admit only to yourself?
(OK so the basis for this question is a rather melancholy realisation I had recently. My parents never loved me. ( I accept that). I can't talk to my husband like you would to a ' best friend'. (I accept that too). My 'best' friends act like their lives are super perfect all the time.( I don;'t buy that). I am 48 and 3/4 and no one knows the ' me' me.
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It took me until I was mid-30s to find out who I am.
Yes I have secrets. It would be arrogant to think that we know everything about another person, DH surprises me often. Things I think that I know he alters often .......... usually when we are chatting with others.
White lies are OK. Cheating lies are different. After all, celebrations can be difficult if the other person/s know everything, it's no longer a surprise ........... [we don't like those either!]. So we have drawers and cupboards which are out of bounds so that we can hide presents etc..
I have a telephone voice and a persona different to that when I'm at home. It goes without saying that asking someone how they are rarely gets a true answer?
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Maybe all we can do is to recognise these things by introspection. Very sorry about your reflections and feeling you have to "accept" them. It must be a very hard thing to cope with parents who didn't love you as you needed.
There is such a big area in the lies of omission, all the things we do not say but arguably could, sometimes at least. The only thing I attempt to do is to try to make sure I'm doing as little harm as possible, while retaining a bit of integrity. Probably putting on a front for your friends is fairly normal, you get to see what the relationship really is when one of you throws a wobbly!
Your question has also exposed uncomfortable feelings I've had for quite a while now, about the things I am not saying to my husband. I realise that I pretend a lot, and I'm not sure whether I should or how I can possibly tell him what I really think. We do talk a lot and get on well, but I am certainly not honest about my feelings about our "love life" - that I really dislike doing it, even though I love him.
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I do admire your honesty Jane L. For me on top of the physical and emotional symptoms the Peri/Menopause is a lonely time. As a teen or a mum with young kids I didn't have a problem sharing how I honestly felt with friends/husbands, having a shared laugh at things. I find talking about anything Meno related is just not a subject you are going to gain friends or delight your husband with. It feels almost like talking about death or visiting car homes; people just want to put their fingers in their ears and go ' la, la, la' and move on. Or the GPs seem to glaze over a bit and look at their watches. I feel like my husband is waiting for the ' old me' back ; not the emotionally up and down, joint creaking, bowl complaining, grey hairing (and probably increasingly un-sexy). The ' real me' now is the me that posts on the forum. The people who seem to ' get it' and ' get the now-me' are the strangers on this forum.
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So print off 'hints for husbands' from here and hand over?
My libedo disappeared 17 months into marriage. I had to 'lay back and think ......... ' - another set of secrets ;D. Eventually it came back once hormones settled.
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I think you're the one being very honest and open here Roseneath, on some very difficult topics. I think you're right, the forum feels a very good place to express with people who will be able to tune in and understand (as well as offering ideas). And will not react like you're Banquo's ghost or something when you start talking about your realities. It is lonely if you can't open up at home.
I just remembered a project called postsecret.com where people send an anonymous postcard to a person who publishes them online and they contain all sorts of secrets people keep quiet about (on a range of things). It can be both sad and therapeutic to read.
I don't think I'm being at all honest with my husband who really deserves better. He has been very patient and kind, but like yours is certainly waiting for the "old me" back. The awful truth is that I really don't belive that is going to happen, certainly not the minx aspect. I think I must find a way of telling him.
I'm also summoning up the courage to open up more here, but don't want to take over this thread. It's a hard thing to talk about!
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Thanks CLKD, I anticipated the value of printing off the hints for husbands and getting him to read it!
He's actually very patient and good about it, but I feel I'm abusing that. I do "lay back" occasionally, but even that's becoming harder. I basically feel "done" and that my hormones are settling into something I'm now quite happy about.
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It's The Change - does what it says on the tin ::) and husbands are often aware that it will happen. But they need to feel needed! hence the lay back attitude. Also, it got rid of the guilt 4 me! What I would like if DH would 'get on with it' ;D
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When I was really suffering with the meno symptoms, I was in a really dark place.
I really thought I was having a break down, and that I'd end up in a mental institution.
What happened was, I told my OH about everything, I couldn't help myself, about everything I was
feeling, and I mean everything, even if it upset him. I told him how I felt about different people in
our families, and how they'd affected me over the years with the things they've said to me, or what they've done. From that moment on, he knew exactly how I felt, and that I wouldn't be going back there, for love nor money.
I've always been a person who would do anything for anyone, no matter what, if they'd ask me, I'd do it with pleasure, and I would never let anyone down, and it wasn't because I wanted to be liked, a people pleaser, that's just how I am, if I genuinely couldn't do it, then I couldn't, that's that.
But what people have done to me, or things they've said, even belittled me, wheather it was a joke or not, it just seemed to come right to the forefront when I hit meno. I was always a person to laff things off, shrug things off, not really take things to heart, maybe because I KNEW, I was/am a good genuine person, and I think, if someone has something bad to say about someone, then they're the ones with the problem, not the recipient.
So even though I told him many secrets, was I worried about him wanting to leave me?
No, because he knows I love him, and I know he loves me, (we met when we were 17)
He just didn't know that I was so wounded, because of the person I am, and it was only menopause that all these things came out...but to be honest, at that particular time, if he did want us to part, I just didn't care anyway, I just needed to get everything off my chest.....
As for him keeping secrets from me, I know he does, not major things, but still secrets, I just don't think he's very good at hiding them though, because how do I know he does, if he was so good...lol
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jillydoll, how fantastic that you had the courage and necessity to tell your OH everything, and that the strength of your relationship was good for it! It can be so energising when it works, and I suppose the converse of pleasing people all those years was not so good.
Also sounds like you're out the other side which is great.
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Me too! I no longer take crap from anyone. Family included. I keep his family at arms' length and am sociable when we have to meet otherwise ......... ;D. Life is too short to stuff a mushroom ;)
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I think we have got closer, and now I tell him everything, about everything,
and if he doesn't like it, he'll tell me so, and we'll work something out together, because at the end of the day, I don't want to upset him, I don't want to go against him, I'd rather him be on my side of the fence, but now I think because I opened up to him, I've got more to say, he listens to me, and understands.
Years ago, I think I just sailed through life, not really having an opinion on anything, was only interested in my family being happy, and their well being, now everything's changed, the kids have grown up, I'm not so preoccupied with bringing them up, and obviously I'm older, he's older, and life changes, and it's only now, when I think back, all the secrets I'd kept hidden, maybe as well, because I was focused on other things, I subconsciously swept them back to the back of my mind, and they only surfaced when the balance tipped.
We joke, we laff (now,again, I'm feeling better.) and I know, that if I've got anything to say to him, or him me, we say it.....no secrets, (maybe little ones) that don't really matter anyway , in the big scheme of things....
So, in that respect , and it's really the only one, meno done me a big favour.
Every relationship is different, and I know it's very hard for some people to share their secrets, but for me, I had too..and gladly, it worked....
I've now learned, just like CLKD, to keep some people at arms length, and not to be so ‘inviting ‘. As it were, that's my coping mechanism. I've learned a lot, and I've hurt a lot,
so now, as CLKD put it, I'm gonna take time to smell the roses.....(I love that. Lol)
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Smell the roses and smoke the mushrooms? Much better than stuffing them!
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That is a very positive life affirming, positive story jillydoll, thanks for sharing it. I think you are right in that the emotions Meno can unleash
can also be used for positive change. It takes courage and the risk of hurt but in your case it shows it can be worth it.
I have this theory that it is the sensitive/reflective second/third borns that struggle more with Meno than the first borns - would be intersting if that is mostly true! (I am second born). I am also sure the more time you have by yourself to reflect the more anxiety can play its mental tricks.
On down days I wallow in the thought the most of my life decisions have been made. I will never have the life I once hoped for or be the things I wanted to be. I also have a hard time accepting that not everyone comes from a good or loving place in life. But then I saw a clip of Ian McKellan staring in King Lear at 79. Aim high I thought. Respect!
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Oh don't get me started on magic mushrooms ;D ::)
When we left College in the 1970s our Tutor told us not to keep swapping jobs or we would get a reputation for not being reliable. After a while I thought "It's up the Company to make sure that I am happy, if not, I'm off!" ..... same with family and sometimes friends. No one has the right to intentionally hurt me and those that continue to do so are OUT! Halved my C.mas card list when I took that decision ;)
Secrets can ruin lives. :'(
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Hello ladies.
I have been very honest with my friends and family about how the meno has made me feel but I recognise that my constant moaning can be hard them, especially my husband.
I saw myself as a kind and forgiving person but post meno I'm more irritable and impatient. I understand that oestrogen is the nurturing hormone so perhaps my character reflected my previous abundance of the stuff ! I've read that we behave more like males as oestrogen declines and androgens have a greater influence and when testosterone declines in men they become softer and more caring. I am definitely more feisty these days and my husband is a lot more patient and less driven than he was.
I don't think that I can do secrets, even if I wanted to, unfortunately my face gives too much away!
Take care ladies.
K.
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Yeah Roseneath,
I totally agree, that having more time to think and digress can make the anxiety's worse, defo.
I've often thought, what the hell have you ever done with your life, why didn't you do this or that,
become this, or that, took that opportunity when it came knocking, BUT, we forget that at that particular time, we were probably happy in our lives, otherwise disposed with nappies, kids, grandparents knocking every day, hubbys working and never seemingly at home with us, money,
everyday living, oh the list goes on, and on...
What's important is that we were happy, (well, most of the time anyway) was contented , and felt needed. I think feeling needed is a critical thing, we are needed with our children, then they grow up and leave, and that leaves us gutted, at a loss, then meno hits and it's tits up from there, but what we've got to remember is that it's our lives, why look back and have regrets, what's done is done,
there's NO going back, we've just got to make sure our future is how we want it to go, stop looking back, it's no use, only drags you down, if you've got regrets, make things better now, take that leap,and tell your OHs your secrets, you know him, will he be able to take it, only you will know that,
If not keep them to yourself, BUT don't beat yourself up over it, keep them forever, or share them,
it's your call...
I might add, if your secrets are bad, like disrupting your life, then you really should talk and tell ‘someone' . If not your OHs, then someone else, trouble is with that kind of secret they can eat you alive, so talking will release them, make you feel better. Then you can start to move on. Good luck..
My god, I can really go on sometimes can't I..? Sorry.....lol........xx
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You go on as much as you want, we can all filter ;)
Our family was full of secrets, side ways looks, whispering. "Be seen not heard". Enabled me to listen, a lot :-\. After Dad died in 2006 I learned a lot more about family dynamics which explained a lot of how I have grown up with intense anxiety :'(.
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Like they say,
It all comes out in the end...
Sometimes it takes years n years, but eventually secrets don't stay
secrets anymore...
It's how we handle them that's the secret....
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:thankyou:
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I can`t tell my OH my big secret because... basically I don`t want to be with him any more. But I can`t leave. He`s 20 years older than me, completely reliant on me financially and emotionally - I feel more like his carer than partner. But I knew what I was getting into 25 years ago when we got together, you just don`t think at 30 and 50 that the age gap is going to matter that much - it certainly does at 55 and 75! The last few months of my few years of peri have been horrendous, it`s like all the emotions I haven`t acknowledged have come flooding to the surface and I`ve got that life`s passing my by feeling. A brief affair, a months unpaid leave from work to do my thing.. it`s all gone on for me. Hoping now I`m on HRT my manic mental state will settle a little - I`m not bursting into tears half a dozen times a day any more for starters. Luckily I have a best friend who I can tell my secrets to - 5 years younger than me she is just starting peri so has it alllll to come! xx
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Family has a lot to answer for anxiety in later life I think. I was ' taught' not to talk about things and that emotion was ' weak' or just not done. After 10 a hug or any affection at all was out of the question although I never wanted for material things. There was never any raised voices but the silence of things not said or noticed dealt the long term damage I think. As I child I found I just looked forward and got on with the day to day. Now with my own kids I wonder how any parent could treat a child so coldly over a sustained period. Even now I am waiting for that little drop of kindness or praise. I can't accept it will never come.
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Sorry Dancing Queen I think our posts crossed at the same time. You are right about not thinking ahead but then I think we would probably make the same decisions at the time anyway. When in the throws of new love, even for the first 7 years or so, the ' future' seems a distant land. What attracted me to my DH in my 20s hasn't necessarily translated into what I feel I need now (he would probably say the same). We all change and marriage is hard work. I have a pal who I thought had the perfect marriage in every way, her husband would do such romantic things for her, they seemed so besotted with each other. Turned out he was seeing her boss on the side for six months and left her and the young family. Appreciate every day. Smell the roses. Try and find happiness in little things. Easy right?!
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Dancing Queen - how would you feel if he dropped dead? You don't have to tell anyone, but your gut reaction may point you to a 'way' of coping without becoming distressed. Also, do look at what agencies are available, AgeUK have good booklets with lots of ideas, is he 'old' in his outlook? Maybe a separate thread so that we can throw ideas and support at you ;-)
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You`re both right, often the marriages which look the most perfect are often the ones that fall apart the quickest. And yes I would miss him if he was gone for good. Luckily he doesn`t mind me going out with my friends my age dancing all night ( jive dancing is my greatest feelgood activity) so as long as I can still do fun things as well as keep him happy with sedate activities I can strike a balance. I guess I just miss sex and excitement but that`s another can of worms lol xx
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Open a thread?
When you return after your nights out is he happy to listen or does it make him feel envious? Is he able to get and about? What hobbies does he have? AgeUK have a befriender service in some places or is there a group that he could join in with?
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Hi CLKD, Apart from back problems and a bit of arthritis he`s actually fine at getting out and about. He`s happy pottering in the garden, that`s his main hobby. But he`s lost his confidence driving a bit so won`t go far without me. Also his memory isn`t too wonderful so he wouldn`t go to new places alone. He totally doesn`t want to get involved with people his own age lol so I guess being around us "youngsters" at least keeps him active. He`s ok with me telling him about my nights out as long as I don`t drag him along and make him go clubbing! Perhaps I will start a new thread and see if anyone else has had this sort of situation.
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I think when we get to ‘this age' when hormones start playing us up,
the way we used to think changes, dramatically.!!
When I was going through some bad stuff, a few years ago, it was like I didn't want
to be around my OH anymore, everything he did got on my nerves, I almost didn't like him anymore, let alone love him. Why, I don't know.
We've been together since we were 17. And I can honestly say, all he's EVER done is look after me, done and gave me everything I've ever wanted, within reason, and truly love me.
So why did I feel like this? It was as if I was ungrateful, and as for my thoughts, they honestly would never come out, they were that bad about him.
I'm not like that anymore, I'm glad to say, that's all passed, and I never want to go back there, because I do love him, with all my heart, and now often wonder what I'd do without him, he certainly didn't deserve all that, what was going on with me. Poor sod. Lol
So , I think, Dancing Queen, maybe it's how your peri is affecting you at the moment.
And in another few months or so, when things settle down (however long it is) your way of thinking could change again. I'm only saying, because mine did, and I'm so, so, glad I never told him any of that, or even worse, broke us up, that would have been madness on my behalf.....
I did tell him some things, about other people in our lives like I said on another post, but not so much about him. That would have been terrible, and now looking back, I'm glad I didn't.
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Hi Jillydoll, Yes I`m sure it is partly due to hormones which suddenly make a relationship which was ok before suddenly seem dissatisfying. We are like housemates really, there`s not a lot of affection there and certainly no passion! And the difference is that I`m the one doing all the supporting and providing for so sometimes I think it would be nice for someone to look after me for once. But I guess a lot of people have that with parents and children as dependents, you can`t just chuck them aside when you`ve had enough! We`re not even married but I wouldn`t up and leave him even so.
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So introduce some affection? Has he turned smelly etc. if so it would be more difficult ;). A gentle ruffle of the hair, a tap on the shoulder, making a cuppa B4 he asks ...........
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Ha ha no he`s not smelly... but got no hair... but I can do the other things! ;D
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;D