Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Other Health Discussion => Topic started by: Ju Ju on September 01, 2013, 09:50:58 AM
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I am happily married, except I have not had sexual intercourse for some years due to my lack of libido. This is not a new problem, but made far worse by menopause. As a young woman, I assumed marriage was out of the question, but then I met my lovely man. I sought help from a wonderful psychotherapist, who specialises with sexual problems. I do have emotional issues and I have very low testosterone levels, which is difficult to get treatment. I want it treated so I can sort what is physical and what is emotional. I've been prescribed Vagifem, but can't put them in! I have never shared this apart from the therapist and my husband. I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
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This is a very common condition and is a very embarrassing one to deal with. If you lay in the bath and wash gently with soap and warm water, then bravely insert a finger a little way ......... mine feels like it's got ripples inside which DH assures me even out as the vagina becomes more relaxed ::) - do you have smear tests for example?
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Please don't feel ashamed. Many couples, far more than those prepared to admit it, have little or no intercourse during predominantly happy marriages. The role that sex plays in a relationship varies very widely but the lack of it should in no way diminish your love for and respect for each other. There are certainly avenues to explore if you want to address the issue but please never feel you are a failure because of it.
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Thank you. The bath idea sounds lovely, but as both of us prefer showers, we replaced the bath with a walk in shower in our tiny bathroom! I shall think about the principle behind your suggestion CLKD. I had smear tests until recently as I am told I no longer need them. I found smear tests stressful and was very tense. I always chose to see a female doctor or nurse.
Thank you Pauline. Our physical relationship is much more relaxed now we have for taken sexual intercourse out of the picture for the moment. I feel free to express my love for him without the fear of things developing further.
He has always known I had 'issues' and knows it is not a reflection on him. But oh how much I would love this intimacy. I feel guilty for depriving him of full sex.
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hi Juju, can I tell you that you are not alone! Years ago women tended not to talk about this 'sort of stuff' thankfully that has changed. I have had a very similar problem for years, Vagifem didnt work, also smear tests were exruciating. I uderstand more about what is going on with my body now, I think much of my problem is that I tense up- because penetration has really hurt me , I am scared of it hurting me still, Viginal walls close in like a clam. 'Get in there if you can mister!!'
It is a long procaess and you are lucky that your man understands. I agree, you do feel so guilty and I am scared of my hubby getting someone else. I still love my hubby but I think It's going to take time. Tjhere's some good advice on the forum.
Anyway. Good luck! valxx
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Thank you. I am hoping to eventually to try topping up my testosterone levels, then I can sort out the physical from the emotional. My husband is wonderful. Plenty of cuddles and fun. Been through lots together and seen each other through difficult times.
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That makes many things more bearable. My hubby ttends to clam up and not talk about stuff whereas I need to talk it through - just to say 'Hey, I still love you but my bods gone on strike!!' It drives me bonkers
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I'm seeing a gynaecologist privately next week, so hopefully I'll get some help.
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Ju Ju, Are you on any medications?
I ask because I've just been to see my meno specialist who now informs me that it may well be my statins to blame for my lack of enthusiasm, or even my blood pressure pills....
If you're on any meds, do check out the possible side effects in regard to libido.
Hope you get some answers soon :)
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Only asthma inhalers. I've been on some kind of asthma medication since early childhood. I'm not aware that they can cause problems in this area.
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Hi Ju Ju - I am wondering who told you that you no longer needed smear tests. Are you over 64? I thought you were younger than that. Perhaps you are abroad though? http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cervical-screening-test/Pages/Introduction.aspx
Taz x
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Last smear test was earlier this year. I am 59. I live in the UK.
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You are entitled to free smear tests up to the age of 64 Ju Ju. According to this http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cervical-screening-test/Pages/Introduction.aspx you should be due one more test and after that you have to pay for them - something which I think I will do when the time comes.
Taz x
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Hello Ju Ju,
it seems that you are sorting things out for yourself, hope you get some answers. Yes, as Valiantkate has said [amusingly] there are lots of women out there who are the same. I have a good friend the same, a lot younger than me with this problem, she thinks it's in her mind, as the physical checked out ok.The only time things worked right for her she was asleep when her man 'came aboard' so woke up but was sleepy and totally relaxed!
Seems like you have a very understanding husband which is good.
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I hope that you get things sorted Ju Ju - it sounds as if you have been through a lot.
There is a difference between lack of libido and lack of response. It is important to explain to any professional which one is affecting us. Lots of women have lack of libido but once they begin to make love they can then get turned on enough to orgasm. There are other women who have a high libido but can't orgasm. Different treatments for different problems.
Taz
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I think have always had low libido and thought marriage and children wouldn't happen for me, so life has been great. I absolutely love my husband. He says sexual intercourse is just the icing on the cake. Menopause has just compounded the problem. I need to top up the testosterone levels, so with the support of my therapist, I can sort out other issues. Incidentally, she said that an indication of low testosterone is the lack of erotic dreams. I shall check out the info, Taz. Thank you all of you for all the information and support. Ju Ju xx
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hi ju ju ,can I say you sound the exact same as me iv no libido at all, it all went ages ago not been with my partner for a long time ,we do live together,i cant even remember the last time it happened,he just goes along with it ,he works a lot ,when bed time comes,its a good night from me hes the same ,he falls straight to sleep, any how so to me its not a problem,im coming to think now that's why you call it men. o. pause, x
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;D I like it!