Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Other Health Discussion => Topic started by: Spangles on June 01, 2021, 09:02:45 AM
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Hi Ladies,
I’ve not posted for a long time.
Recently my partner of 20years was diagnosed with cancer, at the base of his tongue and lymph nodes in his neck.
After a very long rollercoaster, he finally started his treatment last week. He is receiving chemotherapy and radiotherapy, the treatment is very aggressive due to stage and size of tumour.
He has a feeding tube and it is highly likely that he will be using this within the next couple of weeks.
I’m still working full time, my employer is giving me the time for appointments, etc. We also have family members that are doing hospital runs too.
However, I’m really struggling, I’m already on AD’s (high dose), I’m just exhausted all the time and my anxiety is through the roof.
It’s becoming so tough for me to see what he is going through and not being able to make him better.
The consultant is optimistic for a good outcome, but although I have support around me, I still feel alone.
If I get emotional, people just say he’s got enough to deal with, don’t let him see you like this or you will give him more stress.
Any kind words or advice would be most welcome.
Thank you
Spangles
xXx
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Oh spangles,I'm so so sorry :'( I'm sure your partner knows it's tough on you too though, I really wish you well and your partner too of course,much love x
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Cry together. Grieving is part of a diagnosis. Once you've had that initial crying together, you can each be strong when the other is down. Why should either of you hide from the other? He may have 'enough' to deal with but your OH is getting support. MayB bother keeping a diary may be of use?
Your partner should have a support nurse at the hospital for 24 hour contact. Is there a PALS group who mediate between Medical Teams and relatives? They can point relatives to the correct areas of support in the hospital and locality.
The 'C' word remains scary. Have you had the 'I feel like ........ ' conversation with him? Don't hide anything as it increases stress levels.
You could also try an anti-anxiety medication 'as necessary'. ADs are 2 ease depression.
Let us know how you get on .......... :bighug:
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So sorry to read this Spangles. I've PMd you. Cancer affects everyone in the family, not just the patient :'(
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Thank you all for your messages, it means a lot to me xXx
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Your talk to us when you need to :hug:
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Hi ladies,
I have a day off from the hospital today as brother in law is taking him, I’m going out for lunch with a friend.
I don’t want to sound horrid and I feel terrible for even saying this, but last night my OH talked non stop for almost 3 hours. Usually he’s not a man of many words, the thing is he was updating me on his day at the hospital in very minute detail. Repeating things too, I really feel that the chemo makes him hyper. I was very tired anyway and this just made me feel more stressed and anxious.
I listened as I know how important it is for him to talk, and believe me he does.
He’s also becoming very impatient, he will ask me to do some thing and expects me to jump up immediately to do it, he’s usually so fiercely independent and although he can still do these things he’s asking me which I really don’t mind and want to do for him. Oh gosh I am really moaning about him and I feel guilty for that because I love him so much and I just want to care for him, but I also need to relax and rest myself.
Hope this all makes sense, sorry for moaning about him when he’s so ill, I’ve never done this before and I had no idea how difficult it was. Obvious I’ll get through it, I have too for him, it’s just one of those days.
Thank you
Spangles
xXx
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I'm so sorry spangles. I think your feelings are perfectly normal, there's an enormous strain on you and worry makes it all so much worse. I wonder if it might be worth contacting a cancer support charity, speaking to someone who's been in your situation might help.
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Oh don't you worry about moaning my lovely,you're amazing for being there, I love my husband so very much too and there are times I could ask him to shut up.
This is such a stressful time and not the "norm" he's probably frustrated,angry,sad,scared all at the same time as are you,I'm sure. You're only human and sometimes we cannot control our emotions,so please don't feel guilty.
Although wwwwwwaaaayyyy different,I'm incapacitated at the mo with a trapped nerve and I HATE having to ask my OH to do things for me,so I'm guessing your partner is probably the same and it's getting to him. Hang on in there girl,nobody is judging you x
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Well said Girls.
It is so important that your OH has access to a Specialist Nurse!
His going through the minutea [sp] is known as debriefing .......... getting it out of his head so that he can put issues into some semblance of order. MayB get him to keep a diary?
I suspect that as he gets into treatment sessions this anxiety and need to talk will lessen. In the meantime, U go out when you are able to. Drop the guilt, it is what it is. We had a visitor earlier and whilst I was tidying up I was ratty ........ out of my routine.
When is the next appt with his Consultant/Oncologist?
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Spangles, his behaviour may be anxiety / fear but also could be caused by the medications they are giving him. Maybe they are common side effects so mention it to a nurse as they may be able to change or add something to help.
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And forgive yourself for any feelings that you might feel inappropriate when you love someone. Completely normal and remember, feelings are just that. They pass on through. All the best. Ju Juxx
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THANK YOU 💕
Thank you all for your kind words, it’s made me feel so much better. His brother did the hospital run today and I went out with a friend, it did us both good.
I’ve taken ‘me time’ in my little garden room. I’m so relaxed I’m still here!
I love him so much, he is my world but it’s breaking me to see him going through this and being so post and upbeat about it. I know he’s scared and frightened and worried, but he won’t admit it, I think that’s what makes it worse for me.
He’s so optimistic and positive, he just wants to get on with it and come out the other side, as I want him to more than anything.
Thank you all again.
Love
Spangles
xXx
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I think my husband would be the same - no fuss, let's get on with it. Try not to anticipate what he might be feeling ? It's early days. MayB ask if there is support for you?
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Sending hugs across the miles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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It's strange how men and women deal with things so differently,all we can do is be there for each other when hard times fall,please keep letting us know how you both are x
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Hi Everyone,
My partner completed his treatment 3 weeks ago. This last 3 weeks have been the hardest. He barely communicates and when he does it’s usually to moan at me or criticise me. My anxiety is high and I’m low. I’m trying to get out a bit and keep myself busy but life is hard. He’s now going through the angry stage.
Obviously the heat isn’t helping!
xXx
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Morning. tnx 4 the update. What support are you both getting, there should be a dedicated Nurse - otherwise mayB contact Macmillion Nurses or the other organisation (with the daisy) can't remember the name >:(.
When people are scared they can become angry. A natural reaction too when keeping feelings internalised. You'll need broad shoulders for a while when he lets go.
Into next week will probably be the time to sit down and discuss where you go - "When you moan I feel sad, am I not supporting you enough?" type conversation. This of course is what support services should be offering. Regardless of C-19, it's about being able to vent in a safe place.
What plans do you have this week for U?
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Thank you spangles,how is he doing? You're bound to be feeling all these mixed emotions,it's difficult when a loved one turns on us but like you said,it's a natural phase he's going through and yes,this heat CANNOT help,keep going girl,offload here anytime you like