Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Other Health Discussion => Topic started by: Manda on August 26, 2013, 06:36:52 PM
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Hi all,
I wonder if some of you could help here. This is the first time I've written in a forum like this. Essentially - I've had a bit of rough ride through early menopause, but on HRT now and in a much better place. I'm in a new relationship (about four years) and I'm trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much, too little, if I'm a bit doolally or whether I need to do something about my relationship.
I've been a strong and assertive woman all my adult life - probably too assertive at times. I'm learning from that! But I'm struggling with my partner, who I have been reasonably close to, although is a different beast from the sort of man I thought I would be with. He has always been a little tricky, at times (as am I, I'm sure) but his behaviour is now rather more unpredictable. He gets short tempered very easily (we've had at least eight or nine arguments in the last two weeks, and he starts them all); the other morning he was so cross that I didn't want sex (which was impossible anyway as we were due to be somewhere in fifteen minutes) that he suddenly got out of bed, got dressed, and just drove off - leaving me standing there at the door open-mouthed. I had to explain to those we were planning our day with that he'd been called off on a work emergency, and had to cover for him all day. When he got back, after some short text exchanges, he didn't apologise, just was silent and furious for two days.
I don't even know how to describe other reactions. He doesn't hit or or threaten with violence, but I realise I do walk round on eggshells wondering about his reaction; I find I appease him in front of the children (mine from my last relationship - he has none, and is an only child) and I hate myself for it; I make my decisions on what I do much more based on trying to figure out what will make him least cross, rather than what he would love.
It feels like he is much better at blaming me than himself for his reactions; and he has also told me off in public several times to my unimaginable humiliation, and sees it as no big deal. It IS a big deal - it physically takes my breath away that he would speak to me like that, and esp in front of others. We're arguing again today and Im writing this while he's out walking the dog. He is up and down again today; where can I go to get some advice on whether this is me, or him, or both, or what I or we can do about it? On his nice days he is hugely affectionate and happy and caring and laughs a lot; when he's not, he seems to be unaware that six foot six of black mood is just not fun to be around, and because he doesn't or wouldn't hit (like he has to point this out as a good thing?!) that its not a big deal. Is this just me being still menopausal and difficult (my lack of sex drive is a BIG problem) and do I just need to get on with it?
My ex and I had a difficult break up, but we had a good 18 years, and I know for absolutely certain that behaviour of this sort would be as alien to him as it is to me, so that's keeping me sane!
This is ridiculous: I'm able and educated and capable; how come this is stumping me for what to do next?
All thoughts welcome.
Thank you! mx
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Mannib - This sounds a horrible situation to be in,
"when he's not, he seems to be unaware that six foot six of black mood is just not fun to be around, and because he doesn't or wouldn't hit (like he has to point this out as a good thing?!) that its not a big deal."
This sounds awfully like the start of domestic violence to me, it doesn't need to to be physical - initially.....
Haven't got any answers, just some thoughts
Menopause isn't east, does he know anything about it? There is an advice to husbands thread around here which may be useful to print off and discuss with him.
http://www.menopausematters.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,2458.0.html
Do you actually like him as a person?
Are you financially dependent on him?
If the answer to the last two are no, I would seriously think about putting some space between you and him.
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There is more than one way to abuse a woman and it sounds like mental abuse to me.
Is he approachable when he is in a good mood or would bringing up how unhappy you are set him off again.
You sound as if you are scared of him. That can't be good for you or your children.
Get some help. Relate could possibly help or speak to your GP.
No one deserves to be treated like this.
Honeyb
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i wonder what , is makeing him , this way , is he worrying about some think , he hasnt told you about . like you say , its not nice , putting up with this , kind of behaviour , it must be a worry for you . he shouldnt shout , at you in public . you need , too speak , to him , when he is a better mood , try and explain , how you are feeling , its not all about him , at the end the day is it (((hugs)))
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My first thought is to say run, run, run if this at all possible, this man is manipulative and controlling (believe me I have been there and recognise all the behaviour) these sort of men are very hard to discuss their behaviour with.
The only response you will get from him is if you did leave, he will be begging you to come back and telling you he will change.
My ex husband was eventually diagnosed with Bi-Polar, but not before he caused a lot of unhappiness to those around him.
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Hello Mannib.
I read your post last night and have been thinking about you a lot since then. Please don't let this man manipulate you any longer, if he needs help with anger management he should see a professional who can help him. He doesn't seem to respect you and I wonder what will happen next time you don't want sex.
We had a man in our family who could be charming and funny when it suited him and an absolute tyrant when he was in a mood, he would often create a "pressure" situation as an excuse to explode, the consequences for his wife and children were devastating and lasted through the generations. This was in the past and there was no help for him or his family but we are more enlightened now.
Let us know what you decide to do.
Take care and wishing you well.
K.
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Oh, you lot are wise and supportive; many, many thanks for reading and taking the time to respond. Writing it down has helped me to think, too. I think there is a problem here; and we have agreed to go and see Relate. He is a good man underneath; but I need to think carefully about how much compromise is appropriate. My coping with his behaviour isn't helping him deal with it - it just ends up colluding with it. I don't know whether it's anger issues; or only child issues (everything I do wrong always seems to come back to prove that I don't "care", and I find myself gobsmacked and at a loss for words - living as part of a family seems to be a completely alien way f living for him; or increasing emotional abuse trajectory. Just got into trouble again for making too much noise at the sink while he was telling me something and then asking for clarification on a detail. Eeesh. If it's happening to someone else you can see it for what it is; when it's happening, possibly, to you, you make all sorts of other rationales for it.
So - don't want to take up too much of your time. I'll certainly print out the suggested document (thank you!) and will go see Relate; the good side of him says he wants to sort his anger out, so that's a huge plus, and shows insight and a sense of responsbility; we'll give it a crack and see what happens.
Thanks, all! You lot are a hug in the darkness. :)
mx
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Just to say this document is FAB - http://www.menopausematters.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,2458.0.html - I DID have a lot of these symptoms, mostly before I met my current partner (he doesn't know how lucky he is...;)) ) and it was amazing when I finally clocked that they were all the same thing...nearly went potty wondering what was going on!
So well worth a read, all. :)
Thanks again.
mx
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Hi Mannib - I have sent you a private message - you wont be able to reply because you have to have made a certain number of posts but I hope you find it helpful.
Taz
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Many thanks, Taz! And of course I don't mind...I'm astonished at and grateful for the support being offered by you guys. :)
Thank you; I'll look into everything suggested. :)
mx
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" ................ he would often create a "pressure" situation as an excuse to explode, the consequences for his wife and children were devastating and lasted through the generations ......... " this rang so many bells! I would have parented as my ancestors did - with shouting, threats of violence, destruction. Fortunately I was able to make decisions and walked away.
He sounds as though he is jealous. Of your former life. Of your children. Of your ability to cope. My Dad couldn't bear it when Mum spent time with us - 'you have all day for the children'. He couldn't bear it when Mum was ill ....... never went to her bed-side, never made her food, or took a hot bottle to help any aches and pains; with others though ........
Often people get angry when they are afraid. Does he have health issues or a medical background that he is unable to discuss, something waiting to rear it's ugly head that perhaps a relative suffered from in later years?
My Husband ALWAYS wants sex if we have people to stay >:( ::) or when we are due somewhere. It's like he has to assert his authority on an already pressured situation. He is good in all other ways or I would have walked, long ago. Trouble is, he doesn't 'finish' as easily or quickly so that in itself becomes an issue. Does your Husband have problems in the bedroom dept.? ;) that might make him worried and irritable?
You already realise that you are enabling him. Maybe you should have a buzz word - something that you can say quietly when he begins to act up. A word you agree on so that he walks away, giving you both breathing space. Try to make the word humerous :D
To an extent I can understand his reaction whilst you were washing up ........ he was trying to speak with you and you had your back to him? and he may have felt that you were only 'half listening'. Taking time to talk with each other and not 'at' each other might relieve some of his frustrations. The wooden spoon method springs to mind ;)
Who owns the dog? My biggest worry is that he may take out his rage on the animal or as my Dad did, use it as a bargaining tool - pets are the reason many abused women remain with their men :'(
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Interesting thoughts! I'll sit with them all and consider. It's intriguing that much of what applies to training a dog in terms of assuming the "alpha" role is what could be aligned with over dominant husband behaviour! ;)
The sink thing...sigh. The problem is that as a mum I multitask; wash up, do maths homework, call out instructions for lost gym shoes, go find lost gym shoes under the laundry basket, cook the tea, manage a hot flush, ;), DO the laundry and am still expected to carry out a new, intelligent and engaging conversation with whoever walks into the room. ;) I have learnt with him that he can't do or tolerate this, so I have learned to physically stop what I am doing whenever he starts to say something, put everything down, and if possible, stand in front of him empty handed and only look at him. That makes him feel he is my only focus of attention. (I do try and NOT do this if I think I can get away with it as I think it's wrong and makes it worse next time. ) Unfortunately, although he he effectively broken in on all the other things I was already doing, they have to wait until he has his turn. I was making coffee this morning and emptying the coffee pot; he started to tell me something; in my belly I knew it was risky as I was carrying on doing what I was doing; because I made too much noise tapping the grounds from the coffee pot, he decided when I asked him something in response that it was because I didn't care enough to stop what I was doing until he had finished talking. Sigh. I hadn't not heard what he said; he was reading a line from his legal insurance document and I just didn't understand what it was implying. He was talking about net profit and six month liability and x percentage of 7; damn right I would need clarification and a moment to digest. He has a fuse the length of a broken match stick when he's like this. I'm completely torn between submitting and apologising, and standing up for myself. I wouldn't expect him to stop everything he was doing whenever I opened my mouth to speak; funnily enough, he never stops what he's doing if I "interrupt" and I get into trouble doing so.
Ho hum.
Rant over! sorry everyone. Tsk. :/
mx
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Mannib...would you please read back what you have written.
Being expected to stop what you are doing so he can have your sole attention is just wrong. Could he not wait until you were done. Being expected to turn around and look at him when he talks. It's wrong. My hubby, if he has something important to talk about, will ask if we can sort whatever out when I have a moment. A moment that suits us both.
If a man finds it necessary to assert his authority over his partner in life be it by sex at inappropriate times, or expecting undivided attention then he has big problems and if the woman cannot tell him so without fear of a reaction then that is simply not right.
It is supposed to be a partnership and if the man in my life was acting like this then he would be asked to change or leave.
No middle ground...change or go.
Honeyb
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Trouble is, my DH won't talk >:( .......... ::) it's me that says "We need to talk" then I get the rolled eyes ..... but once I have spoken it eases my mind ;-)
Has your husband been like this forever or is this recent behaviour?
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Mannib - Picture the scene, you are getting things done in the house, washing up, things like that.
To the best of my knowledge, when washing up you have to face the sink. It's just the way it is, nothing personal, it's just life.
Does he think, the whole world life should stop for him. Oh I see he does
"That makes him feel he is my only focus of attention. (I do try and NOT do this if I think I can get away with it as I think it's wrong and makes it worse next time. )"
I know it's difficult but he doesn't sound nice, helpful or considerate.
Honeyb is right, read back what you have written
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I can only agree with what Honeybun and others have said.
If a friend told you that her husband was behaving like this what would your advice to her be?
Sorry but he sounds dreadful; controlling, self-centred and childish.
As you say, you are an educated, assertive woman. Why do you now feel that you have to put up with his behaviour?
It isnt right, I'm sure you know that deep down.
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Oof. Thank you all. I know for sure now that I understand so much better why very capable women find themselves to their astonishment with controlling men and not sure whether to leave or not. It's very nature messes with your mind....
Well, we've been to Relate this evening for the first time; it was very positive; the counsellor was good, and she quickly clocked that this is largely about his behaviour, and he seems keen to continue and progress the discussions. I know I have moved a long away away from him in the last two weeks (I'm writing about him behind his back on here, for a start! :() so I just need to see where I think I need to take myself next. It would be much easier if he wasn't here for the next fortnight and I could get my thoughts straight without having to try and engage with him, but we'll see.
Thanks, all! You're extraordinary. :) Sorry to take up your time. I needed to make sure this wasn't just menopause madness. :)
mxx
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Hello Mannib.
Well done for taking such a positive step to address the problem, it's good to talk isn't it. Let us know how things progress.
Take care.
K.
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Thank you, everyone! :)
mx :) :)
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Well done Mannib
It all sounds very positive, it's good he's getting involved with things
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It's great that you managed to get such a quick appointment. We have a three week waiting list for our local branch. I hope it has helped both of you to see a way forward. He may feel the same about needing space to get his thoughts together so is there any way you could organise for one of you to stay with friends or relatives for the two weeks?
Taz
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Must confess I thought it was unusual to get an appointment so quickly for Relate, I know that there is a waiting list for appointments.
I hope it is the way forward for you both.
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It was luck, really - they had a cancellation, and although not sure about maybe stirring things up the day before family visitors arrive, I suggested it and he agreed. So all good; and we have another booked next week. I am hopeful and it's def worth giving it a go. And if the chance arises for us to spend some time apart over the next month or so, I'll def suggest that too - you may well be right that he might need some time apart too.
Thanks, everyone! :) Hope you're having a great day, wherever you are.
mx
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Remember, no one can abuse you more than you abuse yourself. When they cross that 'line', you walk. Think about this. You deserve love and respect, from others and yourself. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.
Loving unconditionally does not mean that you have to tolerate abuse. Love from afar.
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Mannib, I can only say what others have said - there is more than one type of abuse, and there is no reason you should submit to it. I really hope the Relate helps, but if not - you can't waste your life in that sort of relationship, you deserve better, sister!
Rose xx :bighug:
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Any news?
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Mannib, I wonder if your partner has any form of autism [ASD] my daughter's partner is exactly the same and just cannot help his behaviour.He always promises to try [sometimes does and sometimes can't,]he's lovely at heart, but wants all her attention and everything else that you say, including the brooding rages.No easy answer, so glib stuff just wont work. You either love him and make him see the problem or leave him, hard choices I'm afraid.My daughter would leave [they have a child] if she had enough money.Even though she loves him she can't take it forever, and it won't change, so tiring.Not his fault of course, but what a life!He is charming, does a full time job and people like him, not easy to spot!
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I've just read this whole thread and want to add that I hope you're able to continue with Relate and sort out your relationship. Some things (men?) are worth fighting for and it sounds like you want it to work with your guy. I hope you succeed - otherwise you really must make the painful decision of letting this one go. It will be hard - but the pain will pass and you'll feel like a huge burden has been lifted. Wishing you well.