Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => Personal Experiences => Topic started by: Janelouise on April 12, 2015, 03:47:00 PM
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Hi Ladies,
Hope you are all battling through ok the best you can.I know it can be awful
I am really really struggling due to the intense anger and deep depression and memory lapses at times I feel crazy.
Iam 50 years old and whilst having a period every 3 to 7 months or so I never really put it down to anything! until, one day out of the blue a few months ago I went absoloutly crazy with rage and lashed out at my husband and cried for days after. This has been occuring ever since and I know it sounds awful but I dont like him at the moment I cant bear him even near me.All he does is argue back with me and provokes me and he knows its the menopause! I have anxiety also which I have had as a child and I have had thyroid disease for 8 years. My family dosent want to know,nor does my inlaws and there is just no support. I have no friends to turn too as since I left my home town 15 years ago to marry my husband . This is my second marriage and I've only been married 2 years but I just cant stand him around me grrrrr. I told him just now to let me have some me time and to give me some space for a few hours. I cant go out anywhere due to anxiety. I hardly eat because I am always so angry and upset... but what an awful time this is.
I don't suffer with hot flushes I'm wondering if my thyroid tablets control this. I have phone consultations with my dr as I cant travel anywhere unless its for blood tests. My blood tests last showed my FSH level was 80 and she said I was in meno and I'm not to be scared of my symptoms ::) and because I am not going the hrt wayy she said just take vitamins... so that's what I've been doing and it does nothing. I take vit D and b complex and cod liver oil along with glass of milk most days when I can crawl out of bed. I had a period a couple of weeks ago after several months of seeing nothing and I felt a bit gutted as I was hoping I had had my last one. :( I've wrote a letter to my dr begging her to help me but there is none.
I know some of you can relate to most of this... but please please does anyone know what could help
Thank you so much for listening
Jane xx
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Janelouise,
Bless you, I think we all feel quite crazy during this and we can understand and sympathise with you.
Maybe you can show your husband this site and some of the posts so he can understand better and support you more. There's a section for men on the site.
I think the only thing that has helped me with the huge mood swings has been HRT and even then there are hard days but maybe not quite as desperate. Your FSH is same as mine and i admit to feeling out of control of my emotions at times, not with rage but fear and anxiety. I guess that's different for each person though.
Maybe you could look into counselling , sounds like you have alot to offload. Keep chatting on here, there is always someone with great advice.
Hugs
Jedigirl x
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Hi Jane and welcome
I can't help you as my symptoms are more physical than emotional but just wanted to say initially I didn't talk much with my partner over this, I think because I didn't know what to say about it but since joining the forum and realising that many women go through awful symptoms I am now completely open with him, about everything.
Our guys understand even less than we do and we need to involve them in this. That's easier said than done, my ex husband was useless with pregnancy and childbirth so would've been appalling help to me now
Just to add, my mum passed away many years ago so I can't ask her and I doubt my 2 brothers could help, and I don't have any friends this is happening to, so I totally get your feelings of no one to talk to
Ask questions, there's so many knowledgable ladies on here
Xx
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Thank you both.
I have previously showed some articles online to my husband but he says he can't help his temper. I have asked him to see a Dr to see if it's his age as he is 52 but he says he dosen't need to...
He can be lovely at times always telling me I am beautiful and he helps around the house,then as soon as I am in my meno state he really argues with me. Maybe it's me, but it is so upsetting for us both. with my anger I have told him to go and he said he will never ever leave me and I can take it out on him but then he argues again . I will never understand men lol never xx
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Perhaps you need to walk away rather than argue. I always tried to do that. There was no point in a stand up battle because no one won. Hubby knew if I disappeared into the bedroom with a book just to leave me alone. I had to learn to control my temper as murder would have happened ::)
We do understand how you feel, but he has to try to understand a bit. Print off the advice for husbands and get him to read it and find a way for you to calm down. A walk, a bath, read a book. Whatever works for you.
Honeybun
X
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Perhaps you need to walk away rather than argue. I always tried to do that. There was no point in a stand up battle because no one won. Hubby knew if I disappeared into the bedroom with a book just to leave me alone. I had to learn to control my temper as murder would have happened ::)
We do understand how you feel, but he has to try to understand a bit. Print off the advice for husbands and get him to read it and find a way for you to calm down. A walk, a bath, read a book. Whatever works for you.
Honeybun
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Hi Honeybun,
I have tried walking away but he blocks my way and he wont let me leave the room as he thinks I'm going to leave him but he knows I can't as I have agoraphobia. I understand what you mean regards nobody winning,it just feels like a losing battle. Thank goodness you all understand and we all aren't crazy. When I last spoke to my daughters who live with their own partners I pre-warned them about the awful menopause and explained that most of us ladies were never educated about the meno and that's why we never know what's happening to us. I said to take it from their mum that it could it could be a rough ride when they reach that stage in life. My youngest daughter who's 27 looked it up and was quite understandable. I like to retreat to the bedroom too to be on my own and go on the internet but I haven't felt like it for days but today I did and I have calmed quite a bit. I love walking with my dog and walk the fields on the farm land I live and rent a little annexe to a farm house and my elderly landlords live next door... I am sure they hear me but they say they don't :-\ I hope not as I wouldn't be able to face them lol
We dont have a bath here,only a shower. I do miss my baths though lol
xx
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Welcome!
You need to sit your husband down with the words 'we need to understand what is happening and I need your help with this'. He may be frightened: fear + worry = anger. I know. Been there.
HORMONES - mine caused me to lash out regularly, DH knew my period was due before I did - he would say 'check your calendar!' - then my guilt would set in :'(
Have a thought about why you married this man. Then tell him why! and add that you aren't the same person right now, [after all this isn't called 'the change' for nowt]!
However, if he is blocking your way, that is a form of abuse. My Dad would follow Mum around the house ranting …… she tried the walking away bit but it didn't work :-\. So you really do need to address this issue before all else! Having a buzz word might help. Suggest that in future he is to walk away from you when you 'start' as you are both aware that this is at present, uncontrollable and you have found that shouting doesn't achieve anything!
You won't find alternative/herbal remedies work for long because your hormones are all over the place. Maybe this is the time to visit your Practice Nurse/GP and discuss anti-anxiety treatments as well as HRT. Have a read of the menus top of screen ……. you don't have to make decisions immediately but knowledge is power. I take a beta-blocka at night in order to control anxiety surges and have used 5mg Valium 'as necessary' when I HAD to go places. I know have an emergency drug to swallow when the anxiety floors me ……… for 4 months in the 1990s I was unable to leave the house :'( ……. :-\ …….
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Hi CLKD
I hope this isen't too long and I don't mind if it is edited if so lol
I have spoken to him and he knows that it's the menopause but he says he can't help arguing! I told him, how can you treat me this way and keep provoking me when I'm really angry I said he's meant to be my support and after all the nasty people including his own father who whispered to me once that because of my illness his son could do better really hurt me but I still stuck by him.and not once has he sorted all these bullies including our own familys out .
I have had to cope with it all on my own and sort it all and I am so so fed up and hurt that he's picking fights with me! especially around this menopausal time. It's really brought my anger to the surface and I feel that is good in a positive way as I have now cut all the nasty people out of my life. This is why I go nowhere because I'm afraid someone is going to start on me.
When I married him,he was completely different regards arguing with me.He really has changed. We never do anything together... he watches tv on his own in the evenings and I stay on my computer in the bedroom. I love dancing on my own for exercise but he gets moody if I do it and never wants to join in it's my only way to release my andrenalin and music makes me really happy.
I felt so down again last week that I had a whole bottle of wine because I'm so confused with it all and he even provoked me then and alchohol and arguements just dont mix. I was up all night being sick with all the upset and the menopause symptoms this is why I just cant stand him near me sometimes.
Thank you for the advice regards treatments.I am having my blood test for my thyroid done on Thursday and will hopefully speak to a dr about it all when the results come back.
Hi Peri, I'm glad you understand! it's so awful isen't it.. but he still carries on as normal. He's going to lose me if he dosen't help me. I need him at a time like this but he just wont make the effort.
I haven't chosen Hrt due to the inteference with my thyroid illness so I opted for the vitamins which aren't working but I will look more into hrt.
Thank you both for your replies
Jane X
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Was he married before?
It's not very adult to tell you that he can't help arguing ::) ……… maybe couples' counselling would help. If he has been raised in a volatile 'family' it may be engrained. It took a stranger to point out to me how I 'came over' to others in my attitude and that person helped me change …….. the best way to sort out family members that are picky is not to engage in the first place!
Have a browse round, make notes about the HRT available and seriously think about talking to your GP. As for going out and meeting people who may 'start on' you …….. stick to the dancing ! ;)
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No never been married before or had any proper long relationships :/
Will have a good look around the site :)
When I mentioned about anybody starting is just that I have encountered the odd few crazy people here in this village. Don't ask me why the people of this town are like it lol.But there is always somebody out there who gets funny as an example if you park your car in the wrong place and so on and it always happens to us .
I did some dancing today :) and I had no arguements at all finally lol
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I danced from the age of 8-18 ::) - every Sat. morning and Thursday evening. Could never touch my toes though :D
We have an argumentative loud bloke down this street ::) - fortunately his wife rarely retaliates. Nowt as strange as folks!
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Hehe I can't touch my toes either lol but I love dancing or should I say shaking it about and silly dancing. My dog sighs and looks at me strange when I start dancing silly Lol.. Yes, I agree some people are strange Lol
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My JR hated it when I got the clarinet out of the case, she would howl even before I'd put it together ;D
What have you decided about communication with Him inside?
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Awww bless lol. I showed him the article on here which was really well written. And he said he will be more understanding and that he didnt realise how bad it is. I must admit he has got a little better. Fingers crossed he sticks to his word. I have copied it onto notepad and saved it to my desktop just as a reminder to him :)
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That's a start then! You needed backing as you already know your problems are hormonal.
Now giving back - little hugs, blowing kisses etc. ;). The problem is, this time of Life hormones can be a constant upheaval.
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:) Horrible hormones.. I don't want to speak to soon but I have had a quiet couple of days with the anger and crying but this sometimes happens with me until it all starts again. :( I have to go out tomorrow for my thyroid blood test which Im not looking forward too as I havent been anywhere for a few months now :( but looking at the positives by having my test it will show if the menopause has thrown my thyroid hormones out and if so a change of dosage may help calm symptoms.
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Let us know how you get on! Do you have an anti-anxiety medication to take on an 'as necessary' basis?
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He started again last night. He wouldn't let me sleep on the settee. He pulled me back and lost his temper .I made him sleep in the front room. I am still in bed now I absouloutly hate him right now.He has no consideration for me with this meno and is really off with me. I just don't want to be married anymore. I don't need a man. Half the men I know have been abusive. I can't deal with this anymore. He's bought my anger back out and this is so hard. There's no intamacy for the past year. I have toanage the money in the bank. He drives his car around with a dodgy clutch I told him to get it off the road for safety reasons. He told me just now to stop looking things up on the internet and says I gotta eat. I just can't eat with all this upset. Just don't know what to do anymore
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Janelouise - This ain't an easy time, you need to look after yourself, not eating won't help. Doesn't have to be a lot, just grazing will help.
"I just don't want to be married anymore." Be careful what you wish for, how would you feel if he dropped dead?
I think you said that you had copied something from the site onto your notepad, it might be worth sitting down with him and reading it again, you both need reassurance.
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I am going to try to eat a little something soon but I have no appetite. He says he will go to the drs first thing Monday and if he needs professional help he will get it.he won't stop telling me he loves me it is so confusing. It probably is all my fault because of this stupid horrible menopause these symptoms with the uncontrollable crying etc is really nasty :'( and I thank god for you ladies and this site because I have nobody else to turn to .thank you so much for listening. x
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It's not all your fault though
His temper is HIS problem, I ran away from an abusive relationship , he used to tell me it was because I wound him up. I've not changed (well if anything maybe a tad snappy) but my OH wouldn't even as much as shout at me. We've been together over 5 years and the few times we've talked about my past relationship he has said I'm the nicest partner he's ever had, and that the ex had the problem
He needs anger management and together you need to make plans for what to do when you feel like you're snapping, separate yourselves until you're both calmer
Xx
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Thanks Annie, I was beginning to get paranoid blaming myself..I'm happy he is going to make a drs appointment on Monday! He said he used to be like this in his younger days but took martial arts up back then and it calmed him. I asked him to ask the dr to see if he could get a blood test for low testerone and he's to tell the dr everything and if there is a small bit of depression there he may be able to get a low dose of tablets just to take away the edge of his frustration. I am having a very weird day I just can't remember what I've just done. i.e like how many sugars did I put in the coffee and things like throwing the tea towel in the bin.. so frustrating for us all. :o
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I read a book last week in 3 days - about a family of 5 whose Father gave kisses on the lips to the girls even when they reached the 30s ….. and was constantly telling them stuff which I found abusive i.e. your Bum looks big in those shorts, go change …… 2 of the sisters went into abusive relationships because they were looking for love. One had a man who controlled by declaring love, having sex when he wanted 'because you turn me on' …… got so he didn't want her to keep her friends/family and got uppity if she contacted them. That's abuse. Control. Allows bullying …..
Her sister, also looking for love, choose the 1st men that paid complements but for the men, it was a means to an end: abuse. Eventually the man she let into her home murdered her. Both girls never felt 'good enough' ……
Anger can be controlled. It is never the fault of anyone else except the person dishing it out although I would fly into a Rage when DH annoyed me …….. small or big sometimes I would let go of my feelings but it was me who feels the guilt to this day :'(. Eventually we had a buzz word so that I could walk away when I was OTT.
If you don't want to be with this man what's stopping you moving on ?
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Hi C I don't want to be with him when he gets his bad temper. I have had to witness all this kind of stuff growing up and I can't handle it.When he calms down he can be so good. It's all so confusing at the moment. I will see what the doc has to say.. things have calmed down again and we are really going to really work at this.Hopefully no more upset :-\
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Take care JL - look after yourself
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Thank you Limpy :thankyou:
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Maybe instead of pills he could ask his GP about anger management and see a councillor. There are many forms of abuse, both physical and mental.
You need to get advice to enable you to cope. Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid. They might be able to help you get back on track...or move on.
Honeybun
X
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I witnessed anger too. I became an angry person. I had to learn ………. had I become a parent I would have been the same and the pattern would have continued ……..
Maybe suggest that you have a buzz word ………. one that you both need to 'obey' when the other is OTT? so that you leave the room to avoid further conflict.
How was he raised? Old habits die hard :-\ ……….
Why did you marry him?
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JaneLouise - although I know that this seems extremely difficult for you I urge you to leave this man. The pattern you describe, especially the being nice after the event, only for it to happen again and again is typical of an abuser. You are still young enough to make a life of your own and the longer you leave it the more helpless you will feel and as you get older then you will find it harder to build an independent life. Enlist the help of family and friends you feel you can trust. Get advice from the various organisations who are set up to help women just like you and begin to work on a plan. You deserve far better than this. This is not your fault.
Taz x
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I agree - at least give yourselves a break from the pattern. You deserve better ……… and he deserves to get on with his Life and sort out his problems which may be a learnt pattern or his way of controlling.
'love' doesn't solve everything sadly …….. nor should it ever be used as a manipulating word ……..
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I think there's a huge possibility that one day soon you will suddenly decide to go. I would've gone sooner if someone had took me away and helped me, but of course I wasn't telling anyone my problems, I know he had control over his temper because he never displayed it front of anyone, he controlled the finances too, I had no independence
I ran to my friends the day after he fractured my cheekbone and almost finished me by strangling me, there were other injuries, but that day she said if I didn't tell my family, she would, so I had to fess up, that's when I got the strength to leave, it was painful because during peaceful phases he was nice, but I learned so much after breaking free just how controlling he was, and didn't realise it at the time
I'm sure you too will have your time to leave if he carries on without getting the help
Take care
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People can get drawn in by love ::) - then it becomes a habit on both sides. No one is worthless and no one deserves to be treated badly - most have a point where they might snap but this shouldn't be a constant 'sorry'/smack situation. My husband tries to explain our finances but I rarely understand, however, if I thought he was controlling me via money etc. I would be out of here!
Thinking seriously about whether a break could help is important. Gives each other breathing space ;)