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[CLKD]

Come in Garnett with an update?

[getting_old]

As others have said, it's probably very difficult to read some of the responses, but the fact that you were already googling divorce really sounds like you know you can't continue with the current situation, and for very good reason. I'd say think how you would feel and respond if a friend was telling you this information.

Your OH needs to understand that you can't have penetrative sex because you have an illness. You may not be covered in green spots, you may not have large arrows pointing down below, but you are ill and you are trying to get treatment. Your OH should be supportive and understanding that your illness means there are things you can't do at the moment. Ask yourself how you would react if he was in pain and unable to do something - would you insist he did it anyway? Would you want him to be in pain to keep you happy?

I agree with the posters saying don't go on holiday with him if he intends to cause you pain to make himself happy. That's not the behaviour of a loving and supportive partner. It sounds like you have tried to talk to him and he's not interested in how you are feeling. If he is only interested in his own needs then your only option may be to leave,but if you do want to stay with him and he's so desperate to penetrate something then buy him a blow up doll!

[Jules]

Come in Garnett with an update?

I'm guessing her earlier polite reply was it. She is best talking to a trained counsellor who will give a measured reply without anger. I once told someone about something my husband had done, not aggressive I might add, but her reply was bluntly "it's because he doesn't love you". And I can't tell you what a punch in the stomach that was, even though I probably knew it. A little gentleness is sometimes required.

[jaypo]

I don’t think I’d be as harsh as that 🙀 but sometimes if you ask a direct question be prepared for answers you don’t like,that’s why I sometimes think it’s best not to talk about certain things on here.
Remember when we all nearly broke the internet and the forum clkd? 😂🤣 can’t remember what it was now. 🙄
I do wish the original poster well, it’s easy for us to give advice but it is difficult when you’re in the midst of it all. I don’t know where I got the strength from to leave my controlling ex,it was difficult 😞

[CLKD]

    jaypo.  I think the Forum almost 'went down' several times over the years when members became heated 

OP may well be on her holidays by now.

[jaypo]

Thank you clkd,right back at you 😘

Heated??menopausal women? Surely not 🤣😂🤣😂

[Jules]

I don’t think I’d be as harsh as that 🙀 but sometimes if you ask a direct question be prepared for answers you don’t like,that’s why I sometimes think it’s best not to talk about certain things on here.
Remember when we all nearly broke the internet and the forum clkd? 😂🤣 can’t remember what it was now. 🙄
I do wish the original poster well, it’s easy for us to give advice but it is difficult when you’re in the midst of it all. I don’t know where I got the strength from to leave my controlling ex,it was difficult 😞

It's not necessarily the answers, it's the way it's answered. But yeh, I wouldn't ask very personal relationship things on a forum. And the person I once spoke to has said very blunt things before, hurtful,  and often been wrong because she sees everything in black or white whereas I have different shades in my thinking😏

[getting_old]

Hopefully she's taking the time to think things through. In her initial post she mentioned that she was googling divorce, which must be very scary, and she probably needs time to process everything.

[dangermouse]

I think it’s about perception.

When I read the original post I didn’t see it as him being abusive, rather just words he said in the throes of passion and her wanting him to enjoy himself whilst also being peeved at his insensitivity at times.

Then I read all the responses and could see it could be read in other ways, particularly if someone has been in an abusive relationship and it reminded them of specific situations.

The second post seemed to be to reassure us that she was not in any danger and that when she put her foot down he would comply. It didn’t sound as if he was forcing her in any way, just suggesting things she could say yes or no to.

The pressure to want to please can be tough but she just needs to be honest with him that it’s stressing her so much she has been contemplating separation. His response will then reveal next steps.

[CLKD]

dangermouse - that's how I read it.

[Aprilflower]

I think it’s about perception.

When I read the original post I didn’t see it as him being abusive, rather just words he said in the throes of passion and her wanting him to enjoy himself whilst also being peeved at his insensitivity at times.

Then I read all the responses and could see it could be read in other ways, particularly if someone has been in an abusive relationship and it reminded them of specific situations.

The second post seemed to be to reassure us that she was not in any danger and that when she put her foot down he would comply. It didn’t sound as if he was forcing her in any way, just suggesting things she could say yes or no to.

The pressure to want to please can be tough but she just needs to be honest with him that it’s stressing her so much she has been contemplating separation. His response will then reveal next steps.

Quite right.
I think the written word can easily be miss or over interpreted.

[Jules]

I think it’s about perception.

When I read the original post I didn’t see it as him being abusive, rather just words he said in the throes of passion and her wanting him to enjoy himself whilst also being peeved at his insensitivity at times.

Then I read all the responses and could see it could be read in other ways, particularly if someone has been in an abusive relationship and it reminded them of specific situations.

The second post seemed to be to reassure us that she was not in any danger and that when she put her foot down he would comply. It didn’t sound as if he was forcing her in any way, just suggesting things she could say yes or no to.

The pressure to want to please can be tough but she just needs to be honest with him that it’s stressing her so much she has been contemplating separation. His response will then reveal next steps.

That's what I've been trying to point out I think. That what at first seems one thing might not be, as we can't ever know someone's personal life fully. She must have been distressed to be thinking of ending a marriage though. But replying angrily with insulting names about someone's husband may not have helped.

[Ayesha]

I am cheerful most of the time and I manage my symptoms but it all has left a bit of a hole in my physical relationship with my husband who tells me quite frankly, he is a bit over it all. 
He is very sexual and wants it all the time.  If I cannot do things 'normally', let's try anally instead.  OMG just messing about with that a little hurts and makes me feel awful (things do not fit in there so he just wants to keep trying) but I persevere because these days, it's the only time my husband tells me he loves me.  He is surly often and tells me he is being patient, but he tells me constantly that he is EXTREMELY frustrated and NEEDS intimacy that I am not providing.
I have sat down with him and tried to explain how it feels - that I feel like I am not even in my own body anymore. That hopefully there is some light at the end of the tunnel but for now, things hurt, not to mention the fact that I just don't want to be poked and prodded. I would love to just be held and nurtured but he says he just cannot do that as he ends up frustrated.
We go on holiday soon, just the two of us and he tells me he plans to 'do me' in every country in Europe we visit and won't it be good to not have any interruptions from the kids. 
So now I have to think about either being in pain for days to keep him happy or endure his obvious disappointment and anger if I say no.
Has anyone else out there had issues with a husband who just doesn't get it?  I'm at my wits end and I have even been googling how to start the divorce process 

This is the behaviour of a sad, weak, pathetic, gaslighting man, this is not the way a man behaves in a loving relationship, by treating his wife with total and inhumane disrespect. You can analyse it all you want, but this is abusive behaviour and needs to be called out as such. 
This is the reason they castrate dogs for such behaviour.

[jaypo]

Totally agree Ayesha, maybe we should all  re read her post, this man says “he’s over it all” now and knowing she is in great pain,says he “wants to DO HER” in every country,yeah,sounds delightful.😏 plus she’s googling divorce proceedings,so she is obviously looking for an escape. Gone are the days the little woman at home was there for every need of her husband,this poor woman is nearly screaming out in pain, my god, I feel so sorry for her

[Banjo1973]

While I agree that replies should be gentle, supportive and balanced - from the information that Garnet has provided this behaviour is abuse. If Garnet were to make a statement to the police there would be an investigation into controlling and coercive behaviour.

This type of behaviour is not OK and it should never be excused or minimised