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[Garnet161]

Hi all,
Not many places offer support for us ladies struggling with the changes that menopause brings.  I am at a loss now and I am wondering if anyone else has gone through or is going through something similar.
I am 2 years into menopause and I have found a comfortabe normal with estrogen and progesterone creams which keep most of the symptoms manageable and Vagifem which keeps the worst of the horrific atrophy at bay.
My problem now is that the HRT (let's call it that), is keeping me comfortable about 80% of the time.  I find intercourse uncomfortable now - it burns and stings, and I have bladder issues for days afterwards even with enormous amounts of lube. To add to it, I am uncomfortable often with an old rib fracture which has reared its ugly head after 20 years, resulting in pain in the corresponding back area. It can be so bad, I cry out in pain but fortunately, switching position leads to immediate relief.  I get tired easily and my joints can hurt now.  All thanks to menopause says the specialist.  Some have real problems with it, she says and some sail through.  I am one of those with REAL issues!
I am cheerful most of the time and I manage my symptoms but it all has left a bit of a hole in my physical relationship with my husband who tells me quite frankly, he is a bit over it all. 
He is very sexual and wants it all the time.  If I cannot do things 'normally', let's try anally instead.  OMG just messing about with that a little hurts and makes me feel awful (things do not fit in there so he just wants to keep trying) but I persevere because these days, it's the only time my husband tells me he loves me.  He is surly often and tells me he is being patient, but he tells me constantly that he is EXTREMELY frustrated and NEEDS intimacy that I am not providing.
I have sat down with him and tried to explain how it feels - that I feel like I am not even in my own body anymore. That hopefully there is some light at the end of the tunnel but for now, things hurt, not to mention the fact that I just don't want to be poked and prodded. I would love to just be held and nurtured but he says he just cannot do that as he ends up frustrated.
We go on holiday soon, just the two of us and he tells me he plans to 'do me' in every country in Europe we visit and won't it be good to not have any interruptions from the kids. 
So now I have to think about either being in pain for days to keep him happy or endure his obvious disappointment and anger if I say no.
Has anyone else out there had issues with a husband who just doesn't get it?  I'm at my wits end and I have even been googling how to start the divorce process 

[Ayesha]

A very difficult post to read. You must put a stop to this awful controlling behaviour by this dreadful man before you suffer permanent damage, physically and mentally. Think about you and your needs, put yourself first, his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you need to be assertive here and tell him to f**k off because that's all he deserves, and probably more.

[jaypo]

I’m with Ayesha,THIS NEEDS TO STOP!! I dare say you have been a good wife for many years,now it’s HIS turn to be a good husband,someone who truly loves you does not emotionally blackmail you,he’s almost telling you,if you can’t give him what he wants,he’ll go elsewhere.
I too find intercourse extremely uncomfortable but my husband is so caring and tells me we can try in MY time and if I can’t manage then it’s ok,he has never pressurised me or made me feel guilty.
Sorry if Ayesha and myself are being blunt but sometimes the truth hurts . I truly hope you can get this sorted. Have you told him how much it hurts you?

[Minusminnie]

Have you contacted any third party about this who might help ?

eg a GP, marriage counsellor or domestic abuse helpline.

[CLKD]

Your husband is correct; he needs intercourse.  Men need release as well as the feeling of being 'needed'.  Many simply don't know how to 'ask' for what they require, then it becomes full of resentment on both sides. 

It really does depend on how open the intimate side of the friendship has been, also culturally how sex is approached.  Long gone are the days when men 'expect the little woman to perform on demand' although this may still be the case in some communities. = rape and coercion .

Anal penetration needs 2 B performed carefully with sympathy - it was illegal in the UK I don't know if this is still the case?  Does he tell you that he 'loves' U at other times, mine doesn't but I know by the fact that he cooks, cleans, helps me in the garden .........

However, suggesting different positions now that U have explained how difficult and painful this can be is his problem.  There are many ways of giving sexual relief without penetration.  How about  ?  Is the situation discussed anywhere other than in the bedroom when he 'wants' sex?  Also other aspects of your relationship because niggles can turn into problems in the bedroom when feelings are heightened. 

This is your body. These are your feelings. I would suggest that U up the VA treatment to every night with an added moisturiser around the vulval/labia areas.  Also explain that if men suffered sandpaper effect on their manhood that they would back away ! 

Let us know how you get on.  U may like to ask Emma to move this to the private area of the Forum? 

[Ayesha]

This post should not be hidden in a private part of the forum, it should be out there for all women to read that abusive behaviour like this is not acceptable, no woman should be put in this kind of situation, its so cruel.

[Aprilflower]

The private section is to protect the poster.

Those reading it, who are not members, may be known to the poster.  Even husbands.

[CLKD]

Agree Aprilflower, members can read but not any1 else. If 1 does a search for 'menopause', many of our comments may be seen.

Whether this should be seen as 'abuse' is for debate.  Even so the OP should be protected whilst she works through her feelings.

[Ayesha]

It's naive to think that there is a private place on this forum, anyone can sign on as a member if they were determined to find out what their partner was up to, that's what controlling men do when in an abusive relationship.

[Ayesha]

Whether this should be seen as 'abuse' is for debate.

Really!!!!!

[sheila99]

Whilst I agree he shouldn't pressure you for sex there is another way to solve this. If you had sufficient oestrogen it wouldn't hurt, and if you have no or little libido you need testosterone too. Apart from the va, joint pain and tiredness are often oestrogen deficiency symptoms too. What are you on now? Is there scope to increase on the NHS? If they won't help get a private appointment with Newson if you can afford it. You don't have to be in pain.
  The NHS wouldn't give me enough oestrogen for my va but I now have enough systemic oestrogen via Newson that I am now symptom free.

[jaypo]

No amount of hrt will stop her OH being an a**hole

[Minusminnie]

Whether this should be seen as 'abuse' is for debate.

Really!!!!!

A debate may suit the forum but some things need calling out.

[Mary G]

I'm going to be blunt and say he sounds nasty, inconsiderate and misogynistic.  He knows you are in pain and suffering but he doesn't want to help you or find a sympathetic doctor, he wants to indulge himself with anal penetration which would no doubt give you further pain and misery.

I very much doubt this is his only shortcoming.  I would tell him to eff off.

[CLKD]

There is an area 'for members only' - if in doubt ask Emma?

I would also cancel my trip if any such threats were suggested.  Do U feel in danger ?