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[groundhog]

Can I have your advice ladies. Long story but those that know me know I’m not in great health but I try and help anyone who needs it. My aunty is 80 and deaf she has recently lost her husband and her house is a disaster/ floor ti ceiling clutter and no carpets following a flood and they haven’t t decorated for 40 years. I’ve started helping but it’s a money pit and I’m just worried about all the cost ( she has the money) but a few other nieces and nephews have raised eyebrows yet don’t offer to help. She’s of very sound mind but I just feel uncomfortable with it all every job seems to run into another job and it’s stressing me out. Anyone been in this situation xx

[CLKD]

Nope.  Again U are trying to rescue rather than assist - mayB suggest that she gets a reputable builder in to give quotes etc., because after properties become old: over 20 years: there will be on-going situations that require upkeep.

We've recently had our guttering replaced, I think correctly and the chimney pointed and a few tiles replaced. Then the builder disappeared    even though we have more jobs which he agreed to do.  I never thought that we would be 'caught'!  I believe that AgeUK and the Council have lists of companies - it is worth while paying 'more' for a company rather than a jobbing builder.

Why do U feel it necessary to jump in?  Is the rolling eyes of relatives real or how you feel that they might be feeling?  R any of U entitled?

Do U need the street?  Really?  Step away. Her property, her decisions. 80 isn't old after all and if she is OK mentally she should be able to sort out problems with the help of neighbours who have already had works completely satisfactorily.

There are companies who will advise on sorting 'clutter', it can be hard work - I'm struggling myself with boxes not undone for 5+ years  . 

[getting_old]

Is she the hoarder, or was it her OH? Did she ask you, and also the other family members, to help unclutter the house? I'd find her the name of a professional company that can come in and help with decluttering. Once that's done she'll be able to see what really needs to be done, and then you can help find a builder if there's anything structural, find a decorator for painting etc.
As to the other family members definitely ignore the eyerolls, but consider getting them involved if they're local and can help find trades.

[bombsh3ll]

I can relate to how hard that is, my dad has needed increasing help over recent years and is now living with us.

Fortunately we were able to set up a joint bank account and online access to his building society account just days before another fall left him unable to catch the bus into town to withdraw money. He had done everything in cash all his life, no debit card, nothing.

My biggest fear was that he would lose access to his money and I would end up with another mouth to feed and another set of bills to pay when I am already on a very low income.

I think the key issue with your aunty is that she is of sound mind, and you are just going to have to be firm with your boundaries about what you are/not able to do for her.

If she can afford to pay for help you could offer to help her find a paid service for whatever assistance she needs, or help her organise social work if she can't.

A lot of older people are very proud and/or reluctant to spend their money on things like new flooring or hiring a cleaner for jobs they can no longer do, or won't accept help provided by social services, despite being in dire need, sometimes to the point of living in squalor.

I think it is quite selfish actually when someone refuses professional help whilst simultaneously expecting their exhausted relatives to do more and more for them, and something that you really have to tackle straight on with a frank discussion, as they are often oblivious to other people's needs and used to taking family carers for granted.

[groundhog]

Thanks all,
CLKD, hello and hi to everyone for your comments x
no CLKD I absolutely do not need the stress but she asked for help decluttering and we did that, my sister and I.  4 van fulls of rubbish and about 40:bags for charity.  Then she’s still left with a mess - I’ve got  decorator and he’s an angel really helpful but today for example tried to move the bed and failed, it is really heavy and actually cracked ( it’s wooden) so he’s had to work around it . So now she needs a new bed, the old one weighs a ton and will need to be dismantled to get out of the room.
The electrics are borderline dangerous yet she’s refusing a rewire as it’s too expensive.
The olumber came out to service the fire , again hasn’t been done for ever it seems and he’s actually condemned it so now she needs a new fire.
The roof leaked so I sorted that for her, it hasn’t rained since but any problems I’m the point of contact.
It is really difficult.  I could ask the other cousins for help but they aren’t being very responsive, are busy, other commitments yet they are the type if anything goes wrong il be blamed.
And of course I’ve also been doing the paperwork which is a nightmare as she’s deaf so csnt hear me.
I now I’m a people please but I couldn’t leave her in that mess.  I’ve tried to involve the other cousins but they don’t really want to know,
Selfish is a word I’d use sometimes, her late husband has left her in a right mess. Boundaries, most definately needed. I have told her il only do 2 hours a day max and that’s if I’m ok ( I have two stoma bags) .
I genuinely would help anyone but even though she’s my aunty I don’t know how she’s got into this mess , I know nothing of her finances ( don’t want to ) but am beginning to feel responsible and I can only just about cope with my own life !
Thanks everyone   

[CLKD]

I think that you next move is to make an inventory of everything that requires sorting, who to contact and why.  The plumber should have left a certificate to confirm that he has condemned it.

As for the bed, if she contacts a bed firm for a new one, she can ask about paying to get the old one dismantled and taken away: nowt is done for free because the company has to pay for disposal.  Put this down in the inventory .

U will be her full time carer if U don't walk away. 

My Mum used to tell me "I can't do that Dear, it's too much money" without having contacted any professionals/taxi drivers ........... so that she could continue to moan at me without consequences.  I walked away, telling her to contact all the people that she knew having lived in that house for over 40 years: and that there would be people in her Church who would help.  "Oh I can't ask, I expect them to offer.". 

U R not responsible for how they lived.  They may have been quite content in the mess that they created.  It may not be that her husband 'left her in a mess'. 

[getting_old]

I misuderstood what was happening. As CLKD says a lot of people are reluctant to spend money to fix stuff but that is there choice and you can't make her. It sounds like she does want to make things better, and who knows how / why things got to that stage, but she needs to realise that it's not going to happen for free.
I'd suggest asking aunt to make a list of what she wants doing in the house then helping her find trades and getting quotes (as her deafness will be a barrier to DIY), then once she has the info she can make the decisions about what work she wants to get done. I would say document everything you've done and only do what you can. I'd definitely not offer 2 hours every day, and instead say you'll try to spend an hour or two when you can but you have other stuff to do - be vague!!

[CLKD]

Good advice getting_old.   

How much time did U spend with this couple in recent years groundhog?

[groundhog]

Only on social occasions CLKD but there’s 15 years between us so she was a part of my childhood too as she married quite late.  Like most couples they keep themselves to themselves, as do we but the family are always there on the sidelines. That said if she were an elderly neighbour I couldn’t not help, it’s just not me but I do tend to get too involved, I actually love interior design so I like helping but there is a massive amount to do before we get to the nice bits.  Last night for example her tv stopped working at 9pm so she messages me and my husband goes down, it’s not really ideal.
Getting old - great advice. I suppose that’s what I’m doing in a way but then because she’s deaf any arrangements have to be made through me.  I am setting boundaries though and said no to today as I’m going hairdresser and need blood tests.  Tomorrow I have something else on but I feel bad saying no !!! I’ve never been good at putting myself first but 8n this scenario I really have to as this could easily take over my life .
Thank you ladies x

[CLKD]

I can tell U from experience that a) this shouldn't become your problem, b) it should't feel like a chore and c) it gets easier the more often U say no!

I'd go with getting_old's advice then put the ball back into your aunt's Court.  U R not responsible for sorting her issues and if she's deaf that isn't your problem so you do not have to liaise !  U do so because U want to .

[getting_old]

Only on social occasions CLKD but there’s 15 years between us so she was a part of my childhood too as she married quite late.  Like most couples they keep themselves to themselves, as do we but the family are always there on the sidelines. That said if she were an elderly neighbour I couldn’t not help, it’s just not me but I do tend to get too involved, I actually love interior design so I like helping but there is a massive amount to do before we get to the nice bits.  Last night for example her tv stopped working at 9pm so she messages me and my husband goes down, it’s not really ideal.
Getting old - great advice. I suppose that’s what I’m doing in a way but then because she’s deaf any arrangements have to be made through me.  I am setting boundaries though and said no to today as I’m going hairdresser and need blood tests.  Tomorrow I have something else on but I feel bad saying no !!! I’ve never been good at putting myself first but 8n this scenario I really have to as this could easily take over my life .
Thank you ladies x

As CLKD says, it gets easier to say No the more you do it. Obviously she does need help, especially as some things are difficult if she's deaf, but she should do everything she is capable of herself, and only expect you to help with the stuff she isn't able to do. Maybe her OH did everything for her, but you shouldn't be taking his place / full time job of looking after her.

[groundhog]

Thanks both.
The problem is nothing has been done in this house for 30 years, there are no carpets , curtains are falling apart , no decoration. So it’s a massive task,  I have told her that I find it a lot ( she knows I have health issues but I don’t think she grasps the severity ) . I think she finds it a lot; I get the impression her OH woildnt do anything around the house and they lived very very frugally  It’s hard not to get 8nvolved.
But I have made a list and told her via miessage that we will do the essentials as it’s too much work for just me. She accepts that and is grateful for my help. I want to help I just wish I wasn’t an emotional sponge and feel responsible for everything and everyone.
Thanks ladies much appreciated,

[CLKD]

U need to step back - it is not your problem.  They lived like this because .......... and often we get used to what is around us.  How many decorate/new curtains/new bathroom/kitchen on a regular basis?

You've done what U need to do right now: made the list.  Now it's up to your Aunt's decisions, whilst it will be hard for her without the husband.  As well as mayB requiring validation for her decisions .  I will say that she must make sure that who ever she employs is fully insured and registered properly - we've been caught out recently.

However.  U won't be any help if it become stoo stressful and whether she is aware of how badly your health situations this shouldn't be your problem. 

What do U consider 'essentials'?  I would consider providing information essential enough.  80 is a number after all and she may be more capable that she lets on. 

[CLKD]

Hopefully getting this onto paper has helped ease the situation groundhog?  How does your husband feel about being called to assist?

Why do U think that you should 'rescue' this Aunt?  Giving support to a bereaved person is a different matter than then sorting issues.  There are also clearance companies that could step in.  I am seriously thinking about hiring a barn 'stacey solamen'-style to get it all spread out to make decisions