Long time lurker, first time poster here. Figured I would start by posting in this section before getting into the nitty gritty of the "All Things Menopause" section.
I wish I could be writing a relatively normal introduction for myself, full of jovial and trivial facts - like how I'm a UK expat living in the US, or how any house I live in immediately becomes draped with bird feeders.....but, I can't. And we all know why:
I am 42 years old. I have no idea who I am anymore. Towards the end of 2019, at the age of 39, I weaned myself off my long-term low-dose SSRI antidepressant because I had been on it for nine years, was doing well and figured I'd give things a go without it. After that I suffered with a minor shingles breakout which I believe was in response to a panic attack, but after that things settled down and I felt generally OK. I have always struggled with my menstrual periods and reproductive system - suffering through terrible cystic acne, having too many periods too soon after each other, very heavy bleeding, and - although never formally diagnosed - likely PMDD and a certain degree of endometriosis. In my late 30s, I started having periods quite irregularly, with some as little as 16 days apart.
Then, COVID hit. It was declared a pandemic in my area on my 40th birthday (made for a great day of celebration). Eight days after that, my periods stopped for three months. I was plunged into the deepest, darkest place I have ever been in, and developed the most alarming array of severe and debilitating symptoms I have ever experienced. Daytime hot flashes with initial aura and central nervous system agitation/zaps up to 1x/hr. Nighttime night sweats causing complete waking up to 5x/night preventing absolutely any kind of REM sleep (I functioned on essentially no quality or continuous sleep for three months.) Outrageous vaginal dryness, total loss of all libido, unbearable tinnitus/ear fullness, crushing depression, extreme anxiety. This list is, unfortunately, not exhaustive.
My menses restarted late June 2020, and I then commenced two years of what I call "playing chicken with my ovaries". I would LIVE for the moment that my sputtering reproductive system was actually able to release an egg or two and restart some semblance of normality - and my god I felt SO amazing during those times. It was like some great deity had arrived, parted the clouds and taken me up in its palm to meet the blue sky and shining sun. I rejoiced in my period when it arrived, rather than cursing it to hell and back like I had since I was 11 years old. I got high on ovulation and wanted to stay there.
But I didn't. Invariably, my ovaries would shut down again, and I would be plunged into the hell of perimenopause again. Crashing mood, dangerous rage, incessant irritability, followed by such severe vasomotor symptoms that I literally almost forgot how to drive. Pain and stiffness in my hips, shoulders, legs and almost everywhere else. By the beginning of 2022, I literally had no idea who I was any more. I had not slept through the night essentially in two years. I spent five minutes the other week trying to figure out how to unlock my vehicle from the inside; I couldn't find the unlock button. I did not recognize myself mentally, and barely recognized myself physically. I have lost ~15lbs of weight and my muscles have melted. The memories of being a normally ovulating, functional member of society are getting very foggy. I am holding on to my job by the skin of my teeth, only because it is stunningly undemanding and I can hide in my office 99.9% of the time and not see or speak to anyone - which suits me fine as I mostly hate them all right now anyways.
After a failed consultation mid-2021 with my long-time gynecologist in which I voiced great preference for transdermal HRT and she threw a script at me for oral while halfway out of the door to attend to a 'phonecall' that her nurse had interrupted our session to tell her she had, I threw that prescription away. Then, my ovaries decided to make an appearance again for a few months, which tided me through to early 2022. But it didn't last, and I got set up with a new gynecologist in my local town who is very highly regarded and comes very well recommended. While she did deign to provide me with a prescription for transdermal HRT, we did not click. Her clinic was basically set up like a church, with psalms scribed all over the walls and Christian radio permeating through every speaker in every room. As an atheist, this obviously did not sit well with me - along with her general breezy, in-and-out demeanor. She simply checked my symptoms off on a list, showed absolutely zero interest in drilling-down on any of my severe issues, and didn't offer any sort of advice or tailored approach. She called me in a prescription for Climara Pro patches (estradiol 0.045/levonorgestrel), and sent me on my way with a follow-up (that I won't be attending) in four months.
After this I was lucky enough to find a private telehealth menopause company, and one Sunday had an appointment with one of their doctors who actually listened, and actually offered a more tailored approach for me. She was great, but I don't feel that telehealth is a sustainable route obviously. She switched me (after only one week of the Climara Pro) to generic estradiol patches 0.075 and a daily oral micronized progesterone, 100mg, stating that women who are as young as me and go through this generally need a higher amount of estrogen to see results. This HAS almost completely eliminated any hot flashes and night sweats (although the night sweats seem to be a little harder for it to 'touch'), I am sleeping better.....but there is a distinct lack of any other positives I can list currently.
That's about it really. I will cut this short because I have already written a novel. I will leave any bantering about my HRT and its efficacy (or lack thereof) to when I post in the "all things" section - but I just wanted to introduce myself. Again - I wish it could have been more upbeat. I am two weeks into my HRT at the age of 42 and after two years of this, I can't remember who I used to be. But - I'm here.
~BohoChick
