Menopause Discussion > All things menopause
Advice for husbands
CLKD:
:bounce: for new members
CLKD:
:bounce: for new Members
Ouch man:
UPDATE BY ADMIN
This is a female only forum. Poster's account deleted.
--
I have read this entire post, and a couple of books. I thought it might be useful to add a man's point of view.
Very happily married. Love my wife dearly. Together over 30 years. About a year ago, my wife began suffering the kinds of symptoms in this forum. Neither of us were prepared. The expectation had perhaps been for a few hot flushes, something we could have easily coped with.
Without us realising what was happening, day to day love and affection began to decline. I have always been more overtly loving and tactile. My wife stopped wanting to kiss, to hug, to hold hands.
Her body changed in ways that I now realise are normal - sensitive breasts, atrophic vaginitis etc. Sex was no longer enjoyable for her (foreplay, touching, stroking, cunnilingus, penetration etc). Over time sex got more and more rare. Then she said she really did not enjoy it at all and was quite happy to just focus on me. Happy days I (selfishly) thought, but after a while this made me feel our relationship was unbalanced - I felt guilty only taking not giving. It also became mechanical and always against the clock. Not very romantic for either of us.
Not knowing any better, I foolishly (I hope) began to suspect she might have a lover. I did not really believe this, but it seemed to provide an explanation. Once the seed of doubt is sown, it is easy to see further 'evidence'. This never really developed into anything - and I only mention it because the thought was there. It may seem daft but I like most men I was clueless about potential affects of the menopause.
She did not explain how she felt or describe what was happening to her, I did not explain how I was feeling. We were at the lowest point in our relationship, but I am not even sure we realised it. Having been together 30 years you kind of take it for granted that things will work out given a little time.
Finally we began to communicate. But having put thing off for so long it was very traumatic. She revealed a loss of self esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, a loss of happiness, feeling empty, having no feelings what-so-ever for me, not much better for the children. Feeling 'so confused' and speculating that we needed a trial separation. Wow. I felt self pity, and sorrow that I had not looked after her better.
We are only just beginning to try to manage our way through this.
She may be depressed, we are not sure. Maybe needs HRT. We already eat well, take exercise etc. It sounds like we will be on a roller coaster for a while.
--
No sure if it is what she wants, but have tried to boost her feelings with romantic gestures.
I have also read books on saving marriages and the menopause. She is reading the same books. I no longer take her for granted and am working hard to make her feel loved, and hope that her love will be re-kindled at some point in the future ( :'( :'().
In some ways there is a silver lining. I am almost sure that we will emerge stronger from this awful (hopefully short) period, but I am also terrified that we might lose the battle.
I am feeling very sad. I cannot function effectively. I am in shock. I am scared, I think about this all the time. This has nothing to do with sex or moods or anything like that - it is because my wife no longer feels love for me and I might never win it back. Fortunately the book on marriage provided some exercises that we went through, and this provided reassurance and evidence to suggest otherwise.
Best of luck to you all. Give your husbands a hug whenever you can. Love conquers all x.
Kathleen:
Hello Ouch man.
Thank you so much for your post. It is refreshing to hear a man's perspective and you have my sympathy because this menopause business is a hard row to hoe for all concerned.
I am ashamed to say that I have told my husband a few times that I don't love him anymore and he has taken it well because I have always been very honest about my menopause problems and made sure he knew it was the changing hormones that were talking, also we actually get on very well! Only this evening, whilst in the middle of an anxiety episode I told him that I wish he could take all my jitteryness away and eradicate all the nervousness I'm feeling. I understand that is too much to ask of a person in reality but it doesn't stop me wishing it were possible!
The only other male comments I've heard regarding the menopause came from two guys who were working on our house.One said that his wife was often very hot and 'huffed and puffed' all the time. He was finding life difficult because she was saying some nasty things to him and their son and he wanted to know if ladies meant all they said at such times. The other guy was older and was having treatment for prostate cancer. He had been given hormone therapy at one point but hated it because it gave him hot flushes. When I said 'you know how I feel then' he rolled his eyes and said ' tell me about it'.
It is sad but true that most men can't understand what the menopause is doing to us, I didn't appreciate it myself until it happened to me, but the fact that you are trying is an excellent thing and I wish you and your wife well.
K.
Lifeofa50yearold:
Tell me im beautifull every single day even though i know im not.
Dont ever stare at me or i will shove 2 fingers up ur nose and drag you off the sofa by your nose hair.
If im bieng pathetic ..humour me
Never offer well meant advice about ways of getting to sleep. IVE TRIED EVRRYTHING ..
Never EVER wake me up if im asleep unless theres a fire and only then if it threatens to come into my room :D
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version