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[CLKD]

It could also be that walls were knocked down during her childhood - or at a house of her friends? which as you say, is muddled in recollection.  Mum has had a few shocks in recent weeks and seems more muddled on the 'phone.  It makes discussions during her weekly phone call even more difficult to follow  .

SIL needs to learn to button up  - ask her whether she really wants 2 cause upset in order to be 'right'.  I did it once with MiL many years ago and her confusion really wasn't worth it  . 

[Pennyfarthing]

Quite right CLKD - I learned years ago not to argue a point .... because what's the point?  We would sit listening to my mum's yarns nodding our heads and saying "yes" in appropriate places whilst thinking "no way".  Often it would really make me laugh, I'd just give her a smile and we'd move on.

When you think about it, its pretty cruel to keep correcting someone who's memory is becoming impaired. Far easier and kinder all round simply to enter into their world of half truths. You don't want to look back on your loved ones final years as being a time of constant verbal battling.

It is indeed very hard work Kathleen.

That's very true StellaJane.  In my case this forgetfulness/confusion has crept up on us all of a sudden and it still shocks me a bit to be honest when she comes out with stuff like that.  However, I can see exactly what you mean and realised a few weeks ago that it's often easier to say nothing about some things.  There are things I've had to correct her about though for her own wellbeing like Not putting the heat on when it's nearly 30c outside! 

[Kathleen]

Hello again ladies.

 I also think it's cruel to  challenge MIL's recollections which is why we don't do it but SIL does it often. Their mother and daughter relationship has always been difficult and combative so it's no surprise really, plus I think SIL learnt all her critical skills from her mother anyway. A few weeks ago MIL's character seemed to change and she was much more amenable if a little distant and sleepy and SIL said she couldn't remember a time when her mother was so nice to her!  We were starting to wonder if MIL had an infection or maybe even a minor stroke but before long she was back to her usual self so the cause  of her personality change remains a mystery but I think SIL's comments speaks volumes about their relationship over the years.

Wishing everyone well.

K.

[CLKD]

Did your Mum complain of feeling cold or too hot Pennyfarthing ?

[getting_old]

I think there's a big difference in correcting the memories of someone who may be a bit confused compared with telling someone to do something which affects their health or wellbeing. My grandmother would ask the same question over and over and it was easier to keep answering instead of pointing out that she kept asking, no matter how frustrating it got.

That said MIL, who does not have any memory problems, used to come out with some interesting (and totally incorrect) stories, often involving my mother, and I was sometimes tempted to challenge her, but decided against it. I'm fairly sure she only said them to FIL or OH, and it wasn't malicious stuff, just a bit odd, so it wasn't hurting anyone.

[Pennyfarthing]

Sock saga ..... Still not turned up.  For the last few days she's also been telling me she's lost her little "black book. ".  I gave her a BLUE notebook a few months ago to write down all her appointments at hospital, nurse etc. And it worked well.  She always kept it in her handbag and took it to all her appointments.  Now that's disappeared. She's asked at the surgery but it's not there and she says she's searched everywhere at home with no luck.

Tonight she let it slip that she's also now told my 2 brothers about the missing socks and money and guess what they've said it must be her cleaner!!  The other day when she confided in me she said she wasn't telling them as they'd be cross but now she has.  I said "why did you tell them?" and she said "in case they had any clues" so I said "and did they?" "Only that it could be the cleaner."   

Me and Hubby don't think she'd risk her job and her reputation and if it was her she would have surely tried it on before. 

So now we have a blue book missing and the socks and possibly some money.  She asked me again tonight if I'd looked in the corner of my lounge where I keep my knitting stuff in case sh had put them there.  This is getting me down and I just wish the socks would turn up. 

[Pennyfarthing]

But what if the socks with the (?) money and the little book all went into the bin and have sailed off to landfill?  Its not beyond the realms of possibility. You may just have to draw a line under the incident.

You'll need to be very careful how you handle the situation with the cleaner as no-one likes to feel they're being suspected of stealing.

Its possible StellaJane but I doubt it.  she only uses one small pedal bin  before it gets emptied into wheelie bin and She is meticulous about recycling/sorting stuff.

I don't plan on saying anything to the cleaner because I honestly do trust her.  I am getting worried in case one of my brothers do though because they can both be quite hot headed.  If they offend her she will just leave and where will that leave Mum?  She has plenty of other elderly customers and actually charges Mum a bit less as she lives so nearby and doesn't need to use her car and also she has known her since she was a little girl.

I still can't work out how she would even fit £500 in notes into the socks. I think she's dreamt it but mislaid the socks.

[getting_old]

My grandmother used to accuse her cleaner of all sorts of things    Fortunately she realised it was the dementia talking, but it was very hard on my grandfather who knew what was said was untrue.

Is it possible that she put the money into the socks then took it out again and put it somewhere else? Even if she didn't it may be worth planting the idea as it may stop her worrying about it, but you can still look when you have an opportunity.

[Pennyfarthing]

My grandmother used to accuse her cleaner of all sorts of things    Fortunately she realised it was the dementia talking, but it was very hard on my grandfather who knew what was said was untrue.

Is it possible that she put the money into the socks then took it out again and put it somewhere else? Even if she didn't it may be worth planting the idea as it may stop her worrying about it, but you can still look when you have an opportunity.

Quite possible! I knitted the socks so I know they're not wide enough to take notes without folding them all up to fit.  I can't see her doing that! Why would she even bother when all the other money I subsequently found  was just in flat bundles of £500 secured with a rubber band? 

She's coming here on Sunday so I will go over all this with her again.

[CLKD]

I wouldn't go over it Pennyfarthing unless your Mum mentions it.  Out of her environment may make any confusion worse.  Best to go through her house and shut each room ……. even putting on a bolt at the top of the door where your Mum can't reach ? if your Mum notices then explain that you are clearing each room in order and need to remember where you've been ;-).

As for your brothers, if you really think that they will challenge the cleaner then get in first.  Go to her and say "if you see a pair of knitted socks laying around can you let me know as Mum seems to be mis-laying more and more items, including these socks which I knitted for her.  Have you noticed that she is getting more confused in recent weeks?" 

The cleaner may not want to worry you if she has noticed, so asking will free her up to say if anything has been noted.  It will also open up conversation about how to keep small items safe in your Mum's home ……..

[Pennyfarthing]

I wouldn't go over it Pennyfarthing unless your Mum mentions it.  Out of her environment may make any confusion worse.  Best to go through her house and shut each room ……. even putting on a bolt at the top of the door where your Mum can't reach ? if your Mum notices then explain that you are clearing each room in order and need to remember where you've been ;-).

As for your brothers, if you really think that they will challenge the cleaner then get in first.  Go to her and say "if you see a pair of knitted socks laying around can you let me know as Mum seems to be mis-laying more and more items, including these socks which I knitted for her.  Have you noticed that she is getting more confused in recent weeks?" 

The cleaner may not want to worry you if she has noticed, so asking will free her up to say if anything has been noted.  It will also open up conversation about how to keep small items safe in your Mum's home ……..

Interesting you say that CLKD. The cleaner messaged me earlier in the week and said she had written down a few cleaning items that Mum needs and would I get them this weekend when we go shopping. She has noticed that mum is getting more forgetful.  I didn't mention the missing items. 

I plan to go over there one day and have another search.  I don't mention the socks/money/notebook unless she does which is most days!

[CLKD]

They aren't missing as far as the cleaner is concerned.  It's a way of opening up communication channels so that you can update each other as your Mum appears to fail.  You may find that if the gloves turn up your Mum will be more settled.  You could "If you find A, B, C please let me know as Mum thinks she has lost them." 

Also, would your Mum be OK to the idea that you take most of her Pension but leaving her 'enough'?  That way you know how much she has and your brothers won't be at it.

[Pennyfarthing]

Collected mum this morning and the blue notebook was on the table!  Apparently she found it in the bureau drawer in lounge and thought she'd told me already.

I didn't mention the socks then driving along she says she still can't find them and did she tell me that she'd put money inside them because now she's wondering whether she did.  . I said is it possible you had a dream about doing that because she's forever dreaming that she has lost her handbag.  She says it is possible.  We'd both still like to find them though.

[CLKD]

So the Plot Thickens?  Is she relaxed about it all?

[Pennyfarthing]

So the Plot Thickens?  Is she relaxed about it all?

It varies.  Some days she's hunting high and low and getting stressed and today it was like "whatever!" 

She has just polished off roast beef, Yorkshire pud, broad beans, carrots, leeks, gravy, roast potatoes followed by rhubarb and strawberry pie and Greek yoghourt.

I have my feet up now for an hour then we're off for her head scan at the hospital which is a 60 mile round trip.  Then she's staying here tonight and I'll take her back home tomorrow.