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[Dulciana]

My Dad is 90 and still independent, lives at home and enjoys life, etc.   I'm the only one of four siblings who lives anywhere near him and worrying about him is wearing me out.  I'm always thinking, "What if he does this?" and "What if he does that?"   My hubby, daughter and siblings all think I worry about him too much.  Dad thinks the same.  I'm a natural worrier, always have been.  He's got lots of friends looking out for him and he has lots of interests.  He's also still coping in his house.  My sister compared him to her MIL and says there's no comparison.  He's apparently doing much better.  Me?  I'm losing sleep with worry about him, and tired during the day as a result - too tired to do anything "interesting" with Hubby this afternoon, even though we were completely free.  Daughter's concerned I'll make myself ill; so's Hubby.  I don't know how I should be feeling.  I'm like a mother hen, I really am.  I feel guilty at the thought of switching off and not thinking about him.  He had a cold this week, although he seems a lot better now.  But you should have seen me!   I fussed around him for a couple of days and then I went down with the same thing.  And all the time I was unwell, I was worrying about him, which made me feel worse.  It's all making me feel neurotic and depressed when I'm at home and near him.  (I'm better when I'm out and/or involved in music.) Isn't that awful, though?  My poor Hubby.   I just don't know what to do - I don't know how much time I'm actually allowed to think about myself, my own interests, Hubby, daughter............what would my mother think if she knew there were times when my attention wasn't on Dad?   But who's more vulnerable - him or me?   It's difficult to put into words but I don't know how I should be, as his physically-closest family member.   I long for my siblings to visit, to take the (self-imposed) emotional pressure off me.

[Ju Ju]

Well there's just me to look out for mum and dad, but they do have each other.

 Dad cares for Mum, who is frail, but she tells him what to do! I do go to visit when I'm able to, but not that often this year as the trip knocks the stuffing out of me at the moment. The journey and dealing with 2 people with failing hearing. They come here when they can. (Dad is 90 and due to have his driving license reviewed again). You have to have a sense of humour when they get the wrong end of the stick! Mum wears her hearing aid, but Dad can't bear to. He finds it uncomfortable and the sound is undiscriminating. He has suffered from tinnitus for years. (Probably the result of surviving his home being bombed in the war). I visited on Saturday. They were delighted. We had some funny conversations at cross purposes!

Mum has seen a consultant re her frequent attacks, hives, followed by crashing BP , collapse, diarrhoea, incontinence and vomiting following infection or stress. They had never come across her particular symptoms, but took it seriously. She has been prescribed low dose antihistermine daily, to be doubled if she has hives, plus blood tests to check liver and kidney function etc. Mum doesn't cope with stress. She goes over the top. Always has done. She had a stroke at age 66, following several bereavements, despite having BP in the ideal range up to then. Dad said she got into a state because she thought she had mislaid the paper work for the blood tests. Dad is perfectly capable of sorting things out, but there is no reasoning with mum when she gets like this. Dad thought they were in for the usual attack, but maybe the antihistermines are working, as she didn't. Oh and the paperwork was where she left it!

I find Mum very difficult to deal with. Dad loves her and relies on her. I am concerned what will happen when one of them dies. They will have been married 67 years later this month. Im glad they have quality of life together still and in their own home. Mum hates me going abroad, but I refuse to wait until she's dead! I'm 62 for goodness sake. She could go on for years yet! Mum will be 89 and Dad 91 this year.

[CLKD]

Dulciana - what's the worst that could happen?  You are far too close  so all the worry lands on you.  Would he visit your siblings to give you some 'time off'?  If all your family feel that you are worrying too much about him then it is up to you to step back.  Maybe you are better when something is 'wrong' in a funny kind of way?

I can't worry about my Mum (89) 'cos she's 2 hour's drive from us and she doesn't want me there anyway.  It's hard work visiting when she agrees to see us  .

I hope Ju Ju that the anti-histamines help your Mum.  'unknown' cause is often the basis of many conditions  so it's a case of managing the most obvious symptoms.  Would your Dad have a 'lesson' with the Advanced Driving whatever they are?  Does he drive very far?

My will ring in the morning - it's the only time she does.

[Dulciana]

S - embracing risk is fine.........until you're actually faced with it.

Ju Ju and CLKD - thank you. It's helpful to get some support and empathy.   
I tend to anticipate things going wrong, that's my problem. And yes, I think it's because he's all on his own and it's all on my shoulders.

[Ju Ju]

Dulciana, we can't help worrying about our parents as they age. I suspect my sister would have been more of a worrier than me.

Dad used to drive confidently and well. I remember him passing his driving test at the age of 35 first time of course. He then bought his first car, an old Riley with running boards, no heating and air conditioning from holes in the roof! If he had room to keep it, it would have become valuable. He went through a stage of dangerous driving before cataract ops. He shouldn't have been allowed to drive, but things improved afterwards. Now he drives with great care, but I am reluctant to be driven by him. I always find a reason to be the chauffeur, even though I have borrow DHs car. I can't fit both of them in my Smart car! Mum won't agree to sit in the boot! He only drives familiar routes, like to church and shopping and here, though the journey here is not easy as it on a busy motorway. I'm worried about when he can't drive as they live too far for away for me to help on a day to day basis. But I suppose we will deal with that when it happens. Members of his family have lived beyond a hundred. Mums a medical miracle!

[SadLynda]

Dulciana, I understand totally.  There is just me to care for my parents and I am lucky (I think) that I live 5 mins away, but they are a constant worry.  I tell myself over and over 'dont think about it, worry helps nothing' and try keep busy and my mind occupied or I would go totally bonkers.  My Dad is now 77 and should not be driving, I too try to be chauffeur as often as possible, My Mum stopped driving years ago.

Here is an example of my parents...

Mum says to me last week, "Remember last August when I wanted to talk with you?"  Strange as this seems I did not, as I struggle to know what day it is half the time   So she then says " I think I have Angina, been having chest pains and jaw/back pain"... so this has gone on for 8 months now and she has said nothing, she is already in congestive heart failure diagnosed 3 years back.  She finally made an appointment with the practice nurse on Wednesday as she hates the GP, so this morning I have begged, pleaded and in the end darn well insisted I go with her and tell the nurse.. Mum does not want my Dad to know or he will worry and of course his health is not great either.

[CLKD]

I expect your Dad knows already  - tell your Mum that you will tell your Dad because you can't stand the worry? 

Sometimes:  - don't they  .

How about Dulciana - worrying for 10 mins in the morning and 10 in the evening, make a note of what might happen and any contacts that you will require if/when the situation arises?  That's it out of your brain  .  Whilst your Dad remains well and able, it's your closer family that requires all that energy  .

Mine rang this morning: usually she moans about a neighbour who, when offering Mum a lift somewhere they are both going to, is *always* late - the last couple of times Mum has accepted a lift, the woman has been early - you really couldn't write it 

[CLKD]

May I ask StellaJane - is this Council funded care or ………

DH and I have had heated discussions about funding our future full nursing care 2-day  .  I don't want to end up in a ward of old biddies - I want an en-suite with peace and quiet  .  Him being Himself, doesn't give a …. as to where he ends up.

[CLKD]

Have you been talking to Himself  …….

Full Nursing Care should be 'free at the point of delivery' ……… so check with LA to see if your Mum is likely to be charged?  Paying for B&B is acceptable but not for any medication, nursing care etc.. 

I want my own bathroom 

[CLKD]

That doesn't seem a lot!  You couldn't manage that level of care for anyone without a group of helpers.

[SadLynda]

Mother seen nurse, had ECG and seen GP today.  Does look like angina, so she has a spray now - but also suspect she has had a heart attack so referred for further tests with rapid heart team who will phone to sort appointment, also arranged blood tests to be done to check sodium and potassium levels.  Tough day, but at least its all done.

[CLKD]

How is your Mum about it all, resigned?

[SadLynda]

not happy with me for telling nurse but she is okay over the tests as long as she is not admitted as refuses to EVER go into hospital again.  Thanks for asking CLKD.

[CLKD]

Sometimes we need to push them into getting help though  - between a rock and a hard place!

[SadLynda]

Appointment is tomorrow, heart clinic have taken her off the heart pills for 48 hours which is very scary, and have said she needs to do a treadmill test Mum is really worried about this as she is in a wheelchair and can barely walk, she couldnt even step on a treadmill.  I have told her it wont happen but she wont believe me, insisting that I go in with her and make sure they dont 'force' her to do anything.  Be glad when its all over that's for sure.  I have a feeling they will send her straight to a doctor, she has already had to use her new 'angina' spray yesterday.