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[grandy]

Honeybun - unfortunately Mum is not getting any free personal care. She did have carers coming in three times a week but she never really accepted that she needed them, refused to let them even make her a cup of tea and kept telling them not to come. They eventually said if she will not let them do anything then it could not be classed as personal care so they were stopped! My mother is not the easiest person and also is in complete denial about her dementia.

However we have made some progress today. Doctor's appointments made. One in the morning next Thursday for us to discuss things with GP and one in the afternoon to take Mum along. At the moment she goes to a dementia day care centre on a Tuesday and they have offered to have her on a Sunday too. This gives us 6 days cover during the day. I cover Saturday. So if we can get her to stop wandering the corridors during the night we are sorted!

[honeybun]

Fingers crossed then.....hope you get some joy from the GP.

My mum also hated the carers to start with but we kept on plugging away and she got used to them. Have to say sis and I got really firm with her. Basically (and this sounds so harsh) we sort of treat her like a 9yr old.......She is 90. She tantrums like a child and is sometimes child like in the way she behaves.
She has an alert button which she hates wearing. She responds to threats.....She has been told if she does not wear it I will put a note in the carers log to make sure she does.She will put it on for a week's and then gets stroppy and refuses.

It's so hard to get things right......a bit of in independence but safe and also quality of life.

I do so hope for your mum and you, you get things sorted. It's . Such a strain and worry.

Honeyb
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[CLKD]

Have you tried asking what advice they would give to a friend in a similar situation?

[honeybun]

Ask who and what situation.

My mum would not have a clue what I was on about. You are lucky that your mum is not suffering any kind of dementia problems CLKD.

If she was then you would realise that such questions are pointless.

Honeyb
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[grandy]

Honeybun - yes my Mum also refuses/forgets to wear her panic button. And I agree sometimes we do have to speak to her as if she was 9 years old.
And sorry CLKD my Mum would just look blank if I asked her something like that. We can no longer have these sorts of conversations. x

[honeybun]

Exactly Grandy....my mum's short term memory has gone. It's so difficult to  explain anything these days......but she remembers 70 years ago perfectly.

Unless you are living with it you don't really get it.

Today mum did not know what a crematorium was. Try explaining that one.

I know it's a downward journey but you just have to do the best you can at the time.

Honeyb
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[grumpy2008]

I hope you don't mind me just plowing in... I've mentioned my dad and the situation we have in another thread. And I can see from scanning the last page or two that several of you will understand my frustration!

I'm trying to sort out power of attorney for my dad who's living on his own, and whose memory is worsening. We've talked about power of attorney for years but nothing's been done, because dad sits back and won't make decisions.

So I organised the solicitor to visit the house today, in my presence, to get the ball rolling. Unfortunately the solicitor had a fairly brusque manner (polite but quick, if you know what I mean). I could see dad getting confused. I tried to lighten the mood but knew I shouldn't really say much (has to be dad's decision after all). It ended with dad sending the solicitor away saying he wanted to discuss it with me (and my sister). But we've already discussed it till we're blue in the face! Aaarghhh! No questions were asked, nothing signed, nothing started... back to square one! I'm SO frustrated. I live 40 minutes away - dad wants me there when the solicitor comes - and we've already had 2 false starts.

I'll try again, in a couple of weeks. Dad said afterwards that he DOES want to go ahead with it. You know.... 10 minutes after the solicitor left 

I blame dad's memory and confusion. It's so difficult...

[honeybun]

My sister and I are doing this at the moment. Mum has not even seen the solicitor. We arranged for the paper work to be drawn up then took it to mum and she signed it. We carefully explained what she was signing. Bringing a stranger in would just have confused things. I know you want it to be your dad that gets this ball rolling but to be honest the whole point is that he (like my mum) just can't cope with this kind of thing anymore.

I don't know how you would feel about doing it this way. For us it was the best option for mum's long term care.

Honeyb
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[grumpy2008]

Thanks honeybun... I had no idea it could be done without a solicitor present, I'll look into that. The solicitor has a list of questions he needs to ask dad and I can see that dad is panicking about it. I tried to intervene a little, as I mentined, but the solicitor nearly bit my head off, or that's the way it felt. I know they have to be careful about the elderly being coerced into this sort of thing, but really....

Maybe it's because we're talking about 'lasting' power of attorney - is it different for your mum? The solicitor said he would ask dad the questions, draw the papers up, and then send them to us for signing. Does that sound right? Unfortunately, if things carry on the way they are, dad may lose his mental capacity and we'll have to think again anyway.

[Scampi]

I haven't done it yet (this thread has reminded me it needs to be done), but you can get the forms, etc and put a LPA together yourself if everybody is in agreement and arrangements are simple. You can order a pack on-line that includes tbe form and booklets giving advice on filling it all in and when you need to resort to a solicitor. I'm pretty sure it was a.gov website I got the stuff from. Might me worth looking in to as a less stressful option?

[grumpy2008]

Thank you both (honeybun and scampi)!!! You prompted me to look at the www.gov.uk website and there are forms to download, as you say. Lots of guidance too. There's also a useful leaflet on the ageUK site, that I'll print out for my dad to read.

I'm not sure why we went to the solicitor in the first instance... I'd prefer it if we could do it ourselves. It'll confuse my dad less this way and he can take it at his own pace.

I still find it all frustrating though, and it was difficult to keep my patience in check today. We were so near, and yet so far...

[honeybun]

We are using a solicitor. He drew up the documents and they are being registered at the moment for us.

I think the solicitor you are using is going over the top. Justifying his fee perhaps.
It's only as hard as you make it but they don't tell you that.

Get the forms....explain to your dad what they are and get him to sign if he is happy. It's in his best interest to have people who love him dearly looking out for his long term care.

Honeyb
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[Limpy]

Grumpy is does sound as if it would be better to do yourselves.
But, if you do want to use a solicitor, how about finding a female one, may be more sympathetic?
Or ask CAB for their suggestions, they may have some useful ideas.

[grumpy2008]

Sorry honeybun, I understood your previous message to mean you weren't using a solicitor (hormonal brain on my part!)... but I see what you mean now, and am concerned that the solicitor who came to see my dad was completely over the top, in that case? I said something, while the solicitor was there, along the lines of 'well, it's entirely up to you, dad' and the solicitor immediately piped up 'I'm glad to hear you say that...'. Hurrumph. Of course I have my dad's best interests at heart!

So your solicitor didn't even need to speak to your mum beforehand? I guess it must vary a lot then  . How strange.

A female solicitor might be a good idea, Limpy. Who would have thought it'd all be this tricky...

[honeybun]

It seems to be a common way to do it. You go and ask a solicitor to draw up the documents with you and your sister's names on.
You both sign as does your dad in your own home. You take the documents back to the solicitor and he registers them for you.

Easy.......It's just like a DIY form only the solicitor registers them.....oh and charges of course.

Honeyb
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