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[Lanie66]

Hello there. I'd love some help on this subject if anyone has some advice.  Last month my GCSE age daughter had a meltdown when she saw the school bus approaching her stop and ran home. She rang me at work in floods of tears said she couldn't go to school felt under loads of pressure.  We saw the head of year that day and the school have been fantastic. Either my husband or myself change our working day to take her to school and pick her up (30 - 40 min round trip as we live rurally).  She understands she has to go to school, it'll only become worse if she doesn't.  Her symptoms are nausea and stomach pain, palpitations, heat and sometimes retching.  She'll slso be prone to tears.  She can't articulate the actual cause. She's on a list for counselling but this could be AFTER her GCSEs.  I'm struggling to know how to help her properly and practically.  We've been encouraging more exercise and at weekends has accompanied us on walks.  Yesterday we walked 5 mile round trip with a pub lunch in the middle.  We got in the pub and she suddenly felt anxious and we had to spend some time in the toilets.  I felt powerless to help. We werent at school so unsure why she felt anxious.  The pub was quiet and after she felt better actually enjoyed it.  As a typical teen it's difficult to get advice across, like breathing techniques etc.  I know I'm probably looking too far ahead but I'm worried about how she'll cope in May/June and what her results will be because of it all.  She wants to go to 6th form and is talking about uni. We've seen the Dr and we're all doing the right stuff yet it doesn't seem enough.  She has had a history of tummy ache so it's becoming clear that anxiety in some forms has been there for quite a few years.  I'd love to hear from other parents who've experienced something similar.  Many thanks for reading x

[babyjane]

poor girl, what a lovely mum you are she is very fortunate.  I have had anxiety from the age of 9 and I was not so fortunate with my parenting so the anxiety was my constant companion and I soon learned I had to hide it which resulted in OCD and an eating disorder. 

You are parenting your daughter with compassion and understanding and she will do ok.  In the meantime I hope you manage to get her any professional help that she may need.  I only addressed my anxiety after a meltdown 2 years ago, I lived with the effects of it for over 50 years 

[Lanie66]

Thank you Sparkle.  I know it's probably now a lifetime thing and she'll have to manage it herself.  Looking back, no, it's not the first time but recognising it as anxiety is new.  She is shy so we always put things down to that.   She had an incident in primary school when she stopped eating her school dinner because  another kid did someting dusgusting with his nose as he'd a cold.  It made her anxious for weeks, in the lunch hall.  She left shortly after that for 'big' school and was fine thereafter.  Sometimes you just put stuff down to them being kids don't you. x

[Lanie66]

Thanks for the kind words Babyjane means a lot.  Thank goodness you got help, it's never too late and the rest of your life will be better for it.  I can empathise with having poor parents.  I had issues with my mother and only sought help relatively recently.  What a change. I didn't have anxiety, mainly felt criticised all the time and unworthy.  So this is my driver that my children don't feel the way I did and I try to support their need, just sometimes it doesn't feel enough x

[Tinkerbell]

Is it ok if I message you privately?
I have had similar issues with my daughter although she is a bit younger and may be able to offer some advice.
I have a houseful of guests today so may not manage to message until tomorrow.

[elsie001]

Hi Lanie, I've got three kids aged 21, 18 & 17 and they all suffer from anxiety in varying degrees.  Youngest suffers with panic attacks and feelings of being over-whelmed.  School have been fantastic & she gets to sit her exams in seperate accomodation.  Not on a 1-1 basis but just in a smaller room with some others as going into a big school hall to sit her exams would definitely over-whelm her.

I'm fully supportive of her but I do get a bit frustrated too.  There are things that overwhelm her that are also of her own-doing in my opinion, which can be annoying but I try to bottle my feelings on that - arguing over everything is exhausting!  And I think we're losing the battle with social media.  YD insists it's not a factor in her anxiety but I'm not convinced.  Her GP has been a great help but help in the form of CBT have met with a 'no' which is a shame as I'm sure it would help. 

Son, aged 18, is currently on the waiting list for CBT as he suffers from a form of blushing anxiety.  He started Uni last September but found the pressure too hard so has deferred for a year.

To be honest, I think the majority of teens suffer from some form of anxiety and I think, for girls in particular, social media heaps so much pressure on them - everyone posts about these fake perfect lives their leading. 

You're doing everything you can, Lanie, and well done to you.  I didn't have the best of parents either and when I see my kids suffering, I automatically feel guilty that it's something I might have done, which I'm reassured by them that it's not. 

I do worry about how she will cope beyond school, and the degree she wants to do is incredibly hard to get into - even a B would destroy her chances of getting in.  I can see a rocky couple of months ahead!

[CLKD]

"overwhelm her that are also of her own-doing in my opinion" -  :

Let me tell it from a sufferer who had her first panic attack at the age of 3  .  No one ever asked why.  I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 5, B4 it was 'fashionable'.  GP told Mum that I would 'grow out of it' but no one thought to tell me how - I grew to age of 32 and realised that I was now the adult and had a melt down.  My anxiety takes the form of sudden nausea, weak thighs, weak calves and then I'm curled up in a ball.  I had all the pre-school nerves and yes, I was OK once I was there, I also sung in the school choir as well as the local theatre group - because once on stage the anxiety had been re-directed.  But the days/nights leading to an event even now almost destroys me if anxiety sets in.

For me when I fell well I can't remember how it feels to be ill, I know that anxiety makes me feel ill but for me it's physical - so I have often taken on stuff but by the time stuff arrives, I can't do it  .  I have learned by painful means NEVER to say 'yes' to doing something because my worst time if the morning; by mid-afternoon I begin to relax and by evening I'm a different person.  Maybe ask when they feel worse, it's always been mornings for me. 

Anxiety can be caused when the body is hungry so maybe having walked and arrived at the Pub. her body suddenly had a dip which she interprets as anxiety.  Good to leave the situation rather than sitting there, suffering.  My go-to place is always a loo or run to the car.  Himself will finish the shopping and find me later. 

If you are looking as far as May/June your daughter will be too! so ask.  Don't let her think that no one else realises that exam time might be worse, or she may feel better once the days arrive.  I still don't plan any further than half a day at a time.

MIND have walk-in centres.  There are several teen groups where they get together to chat about mental health issues, do find out what is available in your area.  Relaxation therapy can help but it has to be practised.  Walking is good.  Always take small munchies and eat B4 she is hungry! to avoid that dip with nausea = anxiety.

Never assume that you know how these girls might be feeling.  Sometimes I would be in situations and look over my left shoulder for anxiety to strike and it didn't - the more important an event, the more likely I am to panic 

[elsie001]

CLKD wrote "overwhelm her that are also of her own-doing in my opinion" -  : you'll be telling her that she will 'grow out of it' next, sadly this will probably be part of her personality for ever.

CLKD - the GP gave my daughter excellent advice, which when she followed, she found her anxiety improved a bit.  Unfortunately, as time went on, bad habits crept back in which have undone the improvements she was seeing.  I was quite upset by your comment and considering the sensitive nature of this thread, I'd ask that you please choose your words more carefully. 

I suffered from anorexia in my early 20's - I was never overweight but there were a lot of things going on in my life that I had no control over, so I chose to control my food intake.  In the beginning, it was also a welcome distraction from the other stuff that was going on but quickly got out of control. 

Lanie, does your daughter's school provide separate rooms for students with anxiety - it might be worth looking into?  I never knew it was an option until I started invigilating at school during exam time to earn myself some extra pennies.  My daughters Guidance Teacher has been very helpful and she liaises with myself and the GP when necessary.

Sounds like you have a very good relationship with your daughter and just knowing that she can be open and honest with you will help with her anxiety.  Sending hugs.  It's horrible knowing our kids are suffering and feeling unable to solve it for them x

[Lanie66]

Thanks everyone for your posts really appreciate your thoughts and experiences x

[Lanie66]

Elsie001 thanks, yes my daughter can get 'time out' when she feels the need.  The wierd thing is that when she sits an exam she handles it well.  She originally thought she felt under a lot of pressure from the amount of work and the whole thing materialised after her mocks which she didn't do brilliantly in. So could it be the build up which is obviously going to happen again as we go forward.

I can't fault the school. The GP (actually NP) sympathised but could only recommend breathing, doing more of what she enjoys, exercise and CBT which will be slow coming.  Don't know what else we can do. Like you say it's difficult when we cant solve it for them. 

I don't know how long we can sustain taking her to school.  Someone earlier in the thread said we should keep asking how she feels about exams, anything.  I know we shouldn't brush it under the carpet but sometimes she gets pissed off and grumpy and just says to stop talking.   I so want her to do well in her exams so she has a wealth of choice but I don't know if that's going to be the case .  Thanks for the hugs x

[babyjane]

Lanie of course you want the best for your daughter but don't despair if her exams don't work out this year.

My brother in law went through massive emotional trauma during his O levels and didn't do at all well.  He then dropped out before his A levels so didn't do them.  His father was incandescent with rage although his mother was supportive.

He got away from home and spent several years working and sorting himself out, taking his A levels in his late 20s, self funding through uni and getting a very acceptable 2:1 degree followed by a successful career.

Our son also had a breakdown following his A levels and backed out of going to uni.  there was a time he couldn't hold down a part time job but now has a good career, passed exams and has a lovely home, wife and family.

I am just trying to say that things don't always work out how we expect but that doesn't mean they don't work out.

All the very best to you and your daughter.

[CLKD]

I was sharp: sorry: but Elsie's "of her own doing" isn't clear to me .   

I had similar comments throughout my early years and it wasn't until recently that I realised that I couldn't take on too much, even when I felt well enough to consider 'stuff', because anxiety could take over and ruin things ..... hopefully that's clearer from a sufferer's point of view?  So maybe Elsie's daughter does what I fell into, feeling OK and capable but feeling over-whelmed when the event appears .........

[elsie001]

Lanie, your daughter sounds soooo like mine!  They're at an age where they don't really want to tell us everthing that happens in their lives, and that's fair enough.  We have good days and bad.

Her school is excellent but the classes are big, and some pupils are more thick-skinned than others.  The teachers would talk to the whole class about the importance of exams and the need to start working harder - YD would take it personally, despite the fact she was already working hard, and get quite stressed as a result.  I had to explain to her that the teachers were possibly getting exasperated with other pupils who were mucking about, not her. 

Not sure what to suggest re getting your daughter to school.  Maybe when she's feeling relaxed, you could maybe gently ask if anything happened to trigger this fear?  Maybe see how she feels about giving it another go at a later date?  Say you could follow her in the car to begin with? It's so difficult, isn't it. 

I remember when my eldest daughter was much younger, she would get claustrophobic, so refused to go into lifts. This was made more difficult by the fact that YD at the time was just a baby, so I couldn't use stairs or escalators.  We had to separate then meet up at the bottom floor or wherever we were going.  Visiting cities on holiday was also completely out of the question as ED panicked being in crowds.  Now 21, she couldn't be more different.  She went to New York last year and is going to do her Masters degree in Glasgow later this year - would never have predicted that 10 years ago! 

I got some books for YD from Amazon on coping with teenage anxiety - don't think she's touched them but they're on her book shelf when she feels ready to take a look.

[CLKD]

Could there be tutoring at home ?  To take the stress out of the journey and having to walk through those doors?

[Lanie66]

CLKD home tutoring is out if the question. I wouldnt want to make her different, in my own experience it's not a nice thing to do to your children.  There are times at school when she's OK and she has a good network of friends there which I think is very important.  Thanks for the advice though,  it's good to see all angles x.

Sparkle I've been reading about supplements tonight!  Also thought omega 3s might be good.  Trip to the chemist tomorrow I think.  Thank you x