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Author Topic: Alone with difficult parents  (Read 6193 times)

Micky

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Alone with difficult parents
« on: December 21, 2014, 05:23:26 PM »

Part of me feel strangely disloyal for writing this mail, but its a way of venting/letting off steam I guess....
Both my parents are 80 now, and both in very good physical health and always have been very fortunate re their health... But they have been unhappily married for 60 years & really are the most miserable people..As I have got older and now am divorced, I find I really struggle with the constant moans and complaining about everything and everyone & criticising ...I did not grow up in a happy atmosphere & as a result I know its contributed to my anxiety issues .....The problem for me now is that I am single unexpectedly & no children and they are my only family & my older sis lives two hours away ...Sometimes I feel quite resentful, I listen to them moaning away and they really have very little and nothing to complain about ..Have lived to a good age and in good health and have children, grandchildren and great grandchildren ...It actually makes me very depressed and helpless at times & the saying that you cant choose your family rings so true.. ..They have always relied on me as they have never been good at socialising or having hobbies or interests after they retired - sometimes wish I could run away and leave them to it ..Both of them have always been emotionally abusive, and use emotional blackmail when they choose......Have to say I may love my parents because they are my parents - but as people I do not like them- which makes me feel sad at times..
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rosebud57

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2014, 05:37:25 PM »

I would say it's time to be selfish.  Do they live with you or just near by. Either way you need to put yourself first for once or you will make yourself ill.  What's happening at xmas are they going to your sisters?  If so try and go away by on your own or may be after xmas.  I think you need a family conference to sort this out.  Just because they're your parent does not mean they should govern your life.  Life is short and you need to live it for you.  Be brave and tackle this head on.
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Micky

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2014, 05:51:16 PM »

They live nearby Rosebud - I could and did tolerate them whilst I was married, but it all seems so much more difficult now ...I find myself thinking an awful lot about life & when we get to meno age how much more difficult things all seem to be ...Worries and concerns re our own health and all the uncertainties & feeling like we have become the parents to our parents at a time in life when it would be good to have some emotional support..
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Briony

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2014, 06:14:57 PM »

Really feel for you Micky. Big hugs xx
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CLKD

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2014, 06:19:15 PM »

Oh don't they moan - for ENGLAND  >:( ……… my Mum can find something to moan about: the list being 2 long to list here  ::) and no, you aren't being dis-loyal!

We can all get into habits.  When I moved here a new friend pointed out how I 'came across' so I was able to alter my attitudes.  My attitudes had travelled with me from the parenting situation but I was shown that there are other ways of 'living' and I no longer had to copy my parents.   It took hard work but with honest people around me I got out of the habit of moaning unless it was constructive: apart from shouting at the TV  ::)  - DH will give me a 'look' or mutter 'I can hear your Mother' …….

I expect your parents are so used to their moaning that they don't even hear each other!  Do they talk over each other?  Do they agree with the other …….. all bad habits which they are engrained into.  After 60 years and remember, they have stayed through choice  ;) as well as habit …….. they probably wouldn't cope if they separated.  This is *their* choice.

How much time do you think you should spend with them?  How about starting hobbies that take you away more? or keep you engrossed …….  ;) 

I suggest that you read our 'caring for elderly relatives' thread and begin to list what your parents may/will require in the future, i.e. how to source care etc..  No need to tell them but having a drawer with it all in now eases the situation should there be a crisis. 
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rosebud57

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2014, 06:25:42 PM »

CLKD is right, you need to branch out and fill your life with other things.  I'm not suggesting you abandon them but perhap you should tell them you need more 'you time' and they will have to cope a bit more on their own.
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Micky

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2014, 07:23:53 PM »

CLKD -yes you are absolutely right - they talk over each other,never listen & are totally unaware of how they both are ...My mum moans about my dad behind his back & acts like the long enduring martyr & she drives him bonkers too - but they wouldn't know how to be apart or any different... Makes me realise how sad it is to stay in a relationship just out of habit or for fear of being alone ..I too am very conscious of not being/sounding like them and walking around moaning ....I need to  create a life for myself & get tougher..
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Limpy

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2014, 07:34:01 PM »

Micky - Your parents don't sound easy to be with.
Your older sister appeared to think so too, given she lives two hours away.
There's a limit as to how much you can do.
Perhaps just go and see them, but don't stick around for the complaining.........
Don't feel bad about yourself.
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honeybun

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2014, 07:48:14 PM »

Your parents are happy being the way they are. It's how some marriages of their generation work. If one wasn't there then the wheels would come off the bus big time.
The general idea is not to let the parents negativity effect you.

My mother is 92. Twice widowed. My dad was a nice man who died at 69. My mother was ten years younger. He is now a saint....now that I don't remember, I was 19 when he died. He was just a normal man but not a saint. Then there was hubby number 2. Again a nice man who she did not treat well at all especially in his latter years. She has a very guilty conscience now.

Who knows how a relationship works.....It's the same with your parents but you are too close to see it.

I do love my mother and I am a carer for her....do I like her....ummmm...Not a lot at times as she has an evil mouth.
I go most days to do my bit but am getting very good at walking out her door and leaving her problems on the doorstep. I then go and lead my own life.

I know you are on your own so it's,a bit more difficult but you need to develop a life and interests of your own.
Eventually....Sorry to say, you and your sister will have to address care for your parents....it comes to us all. You need to be in a good place to be able to do this effectively.
In the meantime whilst they are able to do for themselves, build a life of your own and don't get drawn into the way they behave. Leave them to their own devices and if you are not needed for care then even better.

Honeyb
x
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Dancinggirl

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2014, 08:23:59 PM »

Hi Micky
I have a manipulative mother who is now 86. The emotional blackmail has pushed me to the edge on a number of occasions. I have had to resort to not speaking to her for weeks at a time when she has made life difficult for me and it was the best thing I could have done.  I hated behaving this way but she is now a lot more careful around me. I now distance myself a lot more and just give her the occasional outing which she thoroughly enjoys because I'm a novelty.
I think what I'm advising is try to be 'a bit more selfish' - recognise when they are manipulating you and actively ignore it. A typical thing my mother will say is "I've got nobody to help me with this or that" - in the past I would immediately offer to help but now I will often just say "Oh what a shame that's tough". Nine times out of ten she can do whatever she needed done perfectly well herself, she simply wanted me to do it for her.  The other thing is, if I had done whatever she wanted doing then it was often not how she intended so then it was my fault.  If they are in good health and are capable of doing most things for themselves don't do so much for them.
Can you take up your own hobby or get involved in a local social group or charity that takes you away from them a bit more? You need to invest in yourself because one day they won't be around and you need to have your own support network.
Your New Years Resolution - do something that you enjoy away from your parents.
DG x
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Micky

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2014, 10:34:35 PM »

Thank you ladies - Its kind of comforting to know that's its not just my parents that behave so badly....My father has always been controlling and manipulative and my mother has always had a childlike way of over dramatizing things and blaming others for everything - neither of them will take responsibility or recognize their faults..I have always felt like piggy in the middle of their very dysfunctional and depressing marriage & battering ram.....
I am 53 now and have just had enough, and wonder how many more years I can endure it ....I know that if I ever tried to move away, they would make it as difficult as possible for me & would make me feel as if I was abandoning them...They are incredibly selfish and wouldn't even try to pretend to be happy for me .....I know that for the sake of my sanity and health I need to distance myself from them..
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honeybun

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2014, 10:51:34 PM »

Difficult though.

I know I get played. My conscience won't let me stop doing what I do as I would just feel guilty.
I wish we had moved years ago, then again I would still feel guilty  :o. Can't win really.

You just have to draw a line somewhere and find coping techniques to deal with them.
Believe me it doesn't get any better as they got older but at least they have each other for now which takes the pressure off you.


Honeyb
x
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Micky

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2014, 11:27:17 AM »

Honey bun - its the emotional abuse/blackmail & made to feel guilty ...I honestly feel as if I was only born to entertain my parents & that's my sole purpose in life ...I can honestly say I have never two more selfish people & totally self absorbed ....Looking back now, the biggest mistake I ever made was never feeling able to move away and put some distance between us....I truly envy people that can say that they have great parents & ones that want their kids to be happy and are selfless..
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CLKD

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2014, 12:33:35 PM »

We get drawn into their histrionics from early childhood.  For me it was to keep the peace ….. and old habits really do die hard. 

Why do you need to tell your parents if you decide to do more for yourself?  Get into the habit of if they ask you to call in saying 'I won't be available, I have already made arrangements'.  It takes time to be confident but eventually you can add if they 'go on' - 'This isn't up for discussion'.  They will moan to each other no doubt  ::) but may eventually get the picture.

1 can only be upset whilst we allow people to upset us  ;).  There are certain occasions when I do 'duty visits' - i.e. C.mas, birthdays ……. add Easter and the occasional visit to Mum and that's it, we cut out New Year sitting up with a sherry years ago  ;)

Do you have hobbies?
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Micky

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Re: Alone with difficult parents
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2014, 06:02:13 PM »

I realise how much we learn behaviours and bad/negative habits and traits from our parents -now older consciously trying to unlearn and be a better person ( hopefully) ...
I do have some hobbies CKLD -but need to find other distractions and maybe look for groups to join in the New year..
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