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[pebbles]

Am 51, still having regularish periods but they are becoming lighter. I take fish oils, vit b compex, soya isoflavoids. i dont have any hot flushes but for the past 8 years i have had mental health problems. My mood is constantly low, i suffer great anxiety, poor memory and nothing lifts it. I dont feel enthusiastic about anything. I am becoming more reclusive, i dont want to mix with people as i feel that i am boring and worry constantly about what i am saying. I just cant seem to control my thought and just cant stand what is in my head. Every day i want to die.
I do have family problems which have been really traumatic but i just wish this would lift. Even when something good happens for example tomorrow i am being allowed to see my beloved grand children i still have this feeling of sadness. I put on an act to everyone as feel that i am so negative and tomorrow i will give the children a fantastic day but when i return them home i will walk away and feel same low low mood.
every day i feel like this. all it takes is when driving to work is if i i see a dead animal on the street e.g does'nt matter what it is mouse, grouse, rabbit.
I pretend to everyone that all is well and could be laughing and joking but then walk out and feel like hanging myself. It is usually due to telling myself that i have said the wrong thing.
I have been to my gp several times and tried three different anti depressants, none worked for any length of time so there was no point in continuing with the side effects so i stopped taking them. I feel that i cant confide in my gp as i am ashamed to admit to how i feel. I worried that she will think i cant do my job.
Sorry that this is so long but my question is :
Has anyone else suffered these problems due to menopause ? Would HRT help?
My gp about five years ago gave me eostrogen hrt as i had a mirena coil at that time but again there was no improvement. Then i had the coil removed because i blamed it for my depression then. I also stopped the hrt.
I just dont know where to turn now. I have tried st johns wort, 5htp, self help books and internet programs etc etc but nothing shifts it. I am a fitness finatic and do exercise most days.
Just wish i didnt feel like this. Compared to so many other people i am lucky. I have no money worries, a house and husband i should be grateful for what i have but seem to get bogged down with the sadness in the world like cruelty to animals or children. Has anyone else felt like this?
Pebbles.
p.s i have never self harmed or made suicide attempt as i dont wont to hurt my children but sometimes it would be such a relief not to have to struggle every day like this.

[daisie]

hi pebbles sorry to here you are feeling this way .I have to say you are not on your own I have been like that for the past 13 years now since going into the menopause. I don't take hrt iv tried it but sideaffects were too bad for me to put up with I do take amitriptyline been on that for over 5 years now it hasn't helped with my moods but it does help to get me off to sleep but  make me feel like a zombie in the mornings it does wear off during the day all the depression you are suffering is one of the symptoms of the menopause and also anxiety I too do not feel like mixing with people or even going out any more that is what depression does takes away all your enjoyments you used to love doing I get so fed up going to doctors they just don't seem to care I do still think I should have gave the hrt a bit more time I feel im stuck with these horrible feelings for ever I might try a different antidepressant and see if it helps its such a horid thing to suffer when you cant see any light at the end of the tunnel it would be great to wake one morning with a clear head and feel normal again what amtidepressant on you on ? x daisie

[CLKD]

First of all have a HUG!     Talking therapy?

Daily Life can impact on our mood.  But should the mood not lift then medical intervention is one option.  I suffered with organic depression from 1988.  I have a 22 months cyclic pattern in that when I take ADs the depression lifts, then I feel well so stop the medication: only for it to overtake me completely.  There have been times when I have not been able to leave the bed due to anxiety, now that I take a low maintenance 5mg dose of AD night and morning, DH and I have a Life together. 

It took several different drugs before I found 1 which I could tolerate as the side-effects can be dreadful.  Sometimes GP s begin patients on the suggested starting dose which is TOO HIGH! also some ADs take 3-4 months before the patient begins to be aware of a lift in mood.  I suddenly realised that I was feeling 'well' rather than struggling and YES - it can be a struggle.  I am totally with you there!  SUFFERING is not a word I use lightly for medical conditions but I did - struggle and suffer.

I remember my dog needed to go out for a pee and I crawled out of bed, down the stairs, along the hallway and into the room to open the French doors.  I then slept on the floor until she came back in, when I crawled back upstairs.

I fought hard against medication because I needed to know what was causing the depression.  I have both, clinical - which is determined by events that I am unable to alter - as well as organic, which is lack of serotonin and dopamine.  So ADs do lift the depression enough for me to cope daily.  If I find my brain (which is an organ often ignored  ) is low for more than 3-5 mornings - my worst time - then I add 5/10 mg of AD daily.  Until I begin to feel well again.

Anxiety is controlled with a nightly beta-blocka.  If it floors me then my GP prescribes an emergency drug i.s. Valium-type.  Knowing that this will ease the anxiety helps enormously.

Years ago we had community psychiatric nurses but I don't know if many Health Authorities now fund this system of support.  MIND charity can be a place to contact too.  But in the first instance, make a list of how you feel and go to your GP.  Ask for a double appt., if possible taking someone with you as support and to listen.

[CLKD]

Sorry - doorbell rang 
As for exercising if you are not eating appropriately then your brain won't be getting the support required. 

Depression can be difficult to manage until we find an AD which helps.  There probably isn't a cure and some side effects have to be accepted; i.e. I feel drowsy a lot but this is far easier to deal with than the depression ……… it was the nausea which I was unable to tolerate never got past the feeling sick phase to see if that particular drug worked.

Have a chat with your GP and ask for a short-course of Valium.  That will see if your anxiety is eased in which case you have a basis from which to work.  Your GP isn't thinking of you at all so don't worry about what you feel she may be thinking/not about your visits to the Surgery.  Unless you go she can't know how to help! 

OK - so the World is a wicked place and horrid things happen and like you, I tend to dwell on issues that are awful.  But in order to help others we need to be healthy ourselves and that begins with that visit to the GP.  Maybe a session with a psychologist may help, I found talking therapy really useful: discuss, decide, ditch!  You may need to see a Psyciastrist (sp) too, someone who may have more drugs available for treatment than are in the GPs remit.

You are not alone.  It took me years to sort my mental health problems but slowly I began to recover enough to look forwards. 

[groundhog]

Hi Pebbles,
Sorry to hear how low you are feeling.  It sounds like you are in a very dark place at the moment.  Have you alwqys been like this or do you think it has got worse since the meno.  I have similar problems and can relate to some of the things you said.  I have low self esteem and if I'm in company I often come away thinking I have said the wrong thing and feeling foolish.  The truth is probably completely different.  As for reaction to the cruel world we live in well yes I have a big problem here.  I have alwqys been sensitive to anything involving children but now I am terrible.  If I hear a child screaming in a shop I have to leave especially if the child is being told off or something.  Ridiculous I know but I can't cope with it - same with the nspcc adverts on tv - I have to switch off.  This has got much worse since I have young children in my own life - children I love dearly who have brought me so much happiness but the situation has brought so much anxiety.  I never feel excited or enthusiastic about stuff either and I know my husband struggles with it.  I have become good at painting on a smile but my heart is heavy.  Like you I have No reason to feel like this although I do have health issues and alwqys have done.  I am on Prozac,  previously on cipramil.  I have had counselling which works at the time but changes nothing.  I am not on HRT owing to suspect lesion in ovary - long story
That said in the last two years I have had to finish work and I loved my job ( health reasons ) then my mother had massive brain haemorrhage and the bulk of the caring has fallen on me,  I have out on 2 stone in weight and my sex life seems to be over which puts strain on my marriage.  Plus I have a difficult surgical decision to make which seems impossible.  So friends say no wonder I'm depressed,  but I don't agree as there are people is far worse situations .  Sorry I'm not being helpful here.  Please keep posting and talking as the storm will pass we must believe that.  Do you have anyone you can talk to face to face.  You say you are 'allowed' to see your grandchildren tomorrow - that sounds like a difficult situation?  Please keep posting if it helps. Xx

[pebbles]

thank you every one for taking time to reply to my post. I was sad to hear that so many of you are on the same journey and that there isnt a quick fix or wonder drug.
i have lost all hope with AD's and feel that i let my dr down as i always give up on the medication. i was also referred to psychiatric services but again i didnt go. The reason is that i work alongside mental health staff at that hospital and i do not want them to know about me. At least this way i can pretend that i am normal and maintain some professional credibility.
My gp must be so sick and tired of me, i am tired of myself. I am also so tired i just want to sleep, at work sometimes i go to the bathroom and just try to rest my eyes but i could just lie down at my desk and sleep.
Life is difficult for me but my mood doesnt help. I wish that i could just give myself and shake and wake up a different person.   
so sorry i am so depressing dont want to make you all feel worse !
Take care and hope things get better for you all
x

[purplenanny]

Oh pebbles, you don't have to say sorry. It is good you have posted and can read from the replies that you are not alone. It is important to share how you feel and MM is perfect as you can remain anonymous.
If you work alongside mental health staff surely they would understand though? and maybe help and support you.

Do you have any close friends or family to talk to?

Depression is not something you can pull yourself out of, you do need to have some help. Maybe see a different GP if you feel this one is fed up with you (although this is more likely just you feeling this) Can you ask to be referred to psychiatric services out of your area? Go back and talk to the GP, there will almost certainly be a way to get you the support you need.

Take each day at a time and before you go to bed, write one thing down that has been good in that day. There is always something, no matter how small. I learnt this while helping my hubby through a mental illness. Each positive thought is a move forward, however slow.

Enjoy your time with your grandchildren, they can be a real tonic. How old are they?

Keep posting here, it really does help, the ladies are lovely and speak from experience. You are not alone.
Sending you strength
PN x x

[CLKD]

Many years ago a Psychologist asked me why I thought I was so important that my GP/dentist etc. would be worried if I didn't attend, did I really think that they gave me any thought once I had walked out of the Surgery?  I was quite hurt at the time but she was correct.  I am not the only pebble on the beach 

Your GP should have had more sense  …… but you need to take care of your health so ask for a referral out of area or for a DV from a psychiatrist.  I had the same problems when I worked in the NHS, I thought by being in the Hospital it would help but I was too afraid of being judged by my colleagues.

Groundhog: STOP thinking about others who 'may be worse off' - I found that many of those are actually getting support from the various Consultants/agencies associated with their problems ……. so they may have stuff going on which is difficult but are actually being supported.  TAKE CARE OF YOU!

[SueRoe]

Hello pebbles, a lot of what you say sounds familiar to me - you are most definitely not alone, mad or a nuisance, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are ill and you need help just as someone with any other illness needs help. I too felt as you do and was put on various ADs. Citalopram helped for 2 years but I didn't feel they solved anything, just disguised it, so I stopped them. I started HRT in March and now feel that I should have been put on HRT years ago when I felt as you do now as I feel so much better. The days don't start with a feeling of dread anymore and I can get on with life. If you want to try HRT I would say go to your GP and ask for it. I know that making an appt and getting yourself there takes a big effort but do try - it could be a turning point for you, I hope so. The old you is still in there, you know. Things will get better and the sun will come out again. Big Hugs.

[CLKD]

That's good news Freda!

This time is called 'the change'.  Sort of does what it says on the tin 

Pebbles; Purplepenny - taking medication can give us breathing space.  Nothing has to be forever! however, once we realise that we are beginning to have a 'proper' Life again, we can decide whether to continue taking the meds or try without. 

[Dyan]

Pebbles- have a 
I know exactly where you are coming from.
Been there,done that,got the t shirt
No seriously, it is awful and I feel for you.
ADs have helped me. I take 2, one for OCD & the other for anxiety & depression.
There are lots around.It is just a matter of trial & error to see which one suits.

[CLKD]

I think that if one feels that the GP is 'fed up' with our appearance at the Surgery Door, that this issue should be addressed, i.e. "I seem to be here a lot more than years ago, is this 'usual' at my age?  Could we work through the various problems together in order to … " then hand the GP a list  .

There are also, many more drug options for GPs to try.  There are probably as many side-effects  as options these days ……… so getting a 'working relationship' with the GP is important.

[donnacrichton]

My heart goes out to you. I have had very similar start to menopause didn't know what was wrong with me. I admitted myself to a psychiatrist unit thought I was going mad. I didn't want to get out of bed. Only advice I have is try and hang in there. Ir has taken me 3 years and sometimes still struggle. I have done mindfulness and try CBT most days. I am starting to feel some hours I am feeling nearly normal if there is such a thing. I've tried about 6 antidepressants and now 6 hrt. Very hard to keep positive but try daily I remind myself I am more fortunate than others even though it doesn't feel like it. Take care and remember your family love you even when your ill x

[Dinnie]

Although I don't suffer from depression I have been reading this post and would just like to say I admire all the ladies who replied to pebbles giving advise, it was heart felt that you all took the time to send long posts reassuring that it happens to many of the best people, she is not alone and family still love her through such illness. I have friends who suffer and I'm always there for them, some people just don't understand, I love the fact people can express themselves on this site and not be judged for anything or any illness that hangs over them, well done ladies supporting one another
X

[nelliedee]

Hi pebbles

I really do think hormones could be adding to your problems and HRT may help you find a balance, they seem to help many. I have been almost exactly where you are now and would like to say things will improve with time

You said
 ''I just cant seem to control my thought and just cant stand what is in my head. Every day i want to die.''
I can really relate to that and felt exactly the same for a few years. I used many self help books but then one day I read 'the chimp paradox by steve peters and it taught me fabulous things about how our minds work, I say 'our minds' as we are all the same. Please try it as I really feel it could help you xxx
Groundhog
So pleased someone else gets upset when young kiddies are crying or being scolded....... It aches me so much I have to leave the situation and leaves me feeling emotionally drained. This came on 2 yrs ago I am 50 xx