Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Fortysomethibg on February 17, 2017, 01:50:19 PM
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Hello all
I wonder if anyone else can relate to the way I have been feeling now for about 8 years.
I worry that time is running out. My mother died 10 years ago at just 61, after she worked all her life and only got one year of retirement to finally enjoy doing what she wanted.
Now I worry that maybe my life will go the same way. I hate that I have to spend 7 hours a day at work 5 days a week and the rest of the time is spent doing chores to get ready for Monday again.
I have struggled to come up with a solution but I can't. Unless I win the lottery or marry a rich man, simple fact is, like everyone, I have to work to pay the bills.
The feelings are getting stronger though and play on my mind alot. Its really starting to get me down and I don't know what to do about it. Perhaps I just have to work on accepting that this is life, we work until we retire (if we live that long) and hope that we are in good enough health to be able to enjoy our retirement. If we are unlucky, we work until we die - its this aspect that scares me the most.
Its not about laziness or money, I simply want more time to just enjoy simple living, like a walk in the park, time to smell the roses as they say.
I'd love to know if anyone else battles with this or can suggest how to overcome these feelings.
Thanks
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I feel like that every Sunday at 6pm, but I don't really dwell on it. My brother passed away at 58 so didn't even get to retire, but none of us know what the future holds. I enjoy my job though, sounds like you maybe don't? Would a change of scene make the difference? Could you afford to go down to 4 days maybe? Could you ditch the housework/chores and spent this weekend doing what you want, when you want?
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When my Mum got to 70 I was very very depressed and woke one morning thinking "People die at 70". My body went into over-drive and I felt ILL for weeks. She's now 90! Once the ADs had kicked in this fear lessened a bit. Now I worry about DH dying :sigh:
Do you have hobbies?
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Me too CLKD, I am a bag of anxiety, I have no one else in my life but him and am too isolated, all my own fault, I've been anxious and stress all of my life. I do keep thinking, ' is this all there is?'
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"all there is" is absolutely fine as long as it doesn't come with anxiety. Most days I don't see people other than Himself and shop assistants, it's enough. We have people that we see when doing our various hobbies but we don't mix as we did when in our 20s/30s. Been there, done all that ::)
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'I hate that I have to spend 7 hours a day at work 5 days a week and the rest of the time is spent doing chores to get ready for Monday again.'
What sort of chores are you doing that is taking all your time? Unless you have a big family or a huge commute, you should still have a few hours or more to spend on yourself during the week and all weekend. Perhaps it is now time to assess just what you do with your time and find some avenues you can enjoy. Even when I was working 12 hour days I still found time for nights out with friends and weekends free. It kept me sane.
No-one knows how long we have - we must enjoy the time we have and spend it on meaningful pursuits - whatever floats your boat. Maybe it's time for a total change - your job, your lifestyle, your thinking processes.
Bramble
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I spend most of my weekend doing housework too. I work full-time, get up at 6am, walk dogs for an hour, work 8.30am -5pm, walk dogs, prepare meal & clean up afterwards ( husband does all these things too.). I sit down at 8pm and am ready for bed at 9pm. I'm just too tired to do housework during the week which means a lot to do at weekends. I too am desperate to retire. I am 60.
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My father died aged 46. My brother & I both felt the same around that age. Was this it? Still here aged 60.
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Whereas when my routine is threatened, panic sets in :-\
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Fortysomething, you sound very low. As nearly50 suggested, you sound as if you do not enjoy your job. Is that the problem? Spending so many hours doing something you do not enjoy will drag you down. Your situation does not help you to flourish.
You need to work to pay the bills and to contribute to your pension, but this doesn't mean you don't have choices. How many years have you got to work till you retire? What kind of work would you really like to do? Is there any possibility of changing jobs, sideways move where you work or retraining?
Who are you doing all the household cores for? From your post, you sound as if you are on your own. Are there household tasks you could do less often? Who's the judge and jury on what's done or not done? (I've had to let go on preconceived standards (tendency towards OCD) around the home due to health issues. It's really quite liberating!)
Your main responsibility is to yourself! Making time to do the 'me' things, the things you enjoy, the self care things. That's far more important than housework! Looking after yourself. Going for walks, smelling the roses! You have time away from work. Who's stopping you doing these things? What would you like to do in your free time? Do these things and fit the housework around that.
I remember my Mum finding the age of 63 difficult to get through, particularly as all her family died young, but she got through it. She'll be 90 later this year! My sister died at age 50. I turned this around and did the things I had said I would do...one day, while I could. My one day had come. I went travelling cheaply. I didn't wait for perfect circumstances. I'm so glad I did, as I couldn't go now.
Have some fun! Make a list of what you would love to do, but don't dismiss any for financial or practical reasons. Big and small dreams! Take your time. Without restrictions you will find out eventutually what you really want. Then is the time to consider the how.
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JuJu - exactly what I was trying to say but you said it better!
Bramble
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I have been thinking about this and I live alone and probably spend about 3 or 4 hours of the weekend cleaning the house, washing and doing groceries. Some weekends much less. As Juju says, could you see what chores you could do less often?
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I suppose it depends on the number of people in the house, size of house, number of dogs etc. We also have a large fruit and vegetable garden. We are three adults in our house. As Stellajane has said it's the repetition day in day out. I'm still making packed lunches every week day. I've worked for my current company for 22 years.
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Katsclaw, 3 adults and sharing of tasks! They can make their own pack lunches!
We women have to stand our ground and I'm talking to myself with a DH who is so rendered helpless when confronted with the washing machine, yet understands the workings of a car engine!
I am pleased to have brought up children who are capable when it comes to housework, including my son. He's taken us both to task. Me for not being assertive and DH for not doing enough!
My mum used to do everything, mainly because no one could live up to her standards, but my dad has had to learn in his 80s and 90s how to do things, as mum is too frail physically. She directs operations!
It's hard to let go and let others do things their own way, not my way. I have had to do this in the last few months. I couldn't do much, though I cleaned the loos and put stuff in the washing machine. It would have taken more energy to explain how to do things! I'm doing more now, but I'm feeling the benefits. DH is cooking dinner! ;)
So relax, delegate and praise any efforts that approximate a reasonable standard! Gentle constructive suggestions go down much better when accompanied by appreciation.
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Ju Ju - do you have the same Mum :D. Even now mine doesn't like me in her kitchen ::).
When I was severely depressed I was unable to do anything except doze on the settee :'( and now that I am most days able to get out and about, then bugga the housework ;D
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Ju Ju, my daughter is very good at helping and my husbands cooks and works hard in the garden. I find that because we don't do any housework during the week there is a lot to do at weekends. I suppose when I think of retirement I hope to be able to potter around and do jobs at a leisurely pace rather than rushing round. It's good that your dad is able to take over all the domestic tasks. Thank goodness things are more equal between a lot of households now.
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I get the impression from the original poster that she lives on her own. As I do. And 3-4 hours is the max I spend in a week on housework ie cleaning, washing etc. I don't count into that time I spend cooking which could be another 4-7 hours in a week. Shopping I get delivered so that only amounts to half an hour/1hour every fortnight. The rest of the time is my own.
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Another one here who hates Sunday evening with a vengeance. I am so desperate to retire but can't even think about it. Have just turned 60, work 4 full days a week but struggle so badly energywise, most days I could cry with frustration. I did get myself a 'fairy Godcsrubber' as she calls herself, once a fortnight, who also does my ironing and that's been the best investment I've ever made. I still never seem to have enough time just to 'be' and do the things I think I want to do and can't bear that I have to still work at this age and still fit everything in. Am at home with DH and one adult son, see my elderly Mum on a Saturday and then family Sunday late afternoon. DH lost his pension with Equitable Life so unless we win the lottery we're stuffed. I know so many people who never got to enjoy their retirement, my parents included, and that makes me sad. On top of all that, I suffer badly with anxiety and want so much to make the best of what time I have before illness and old age take hold but the damn thing holds me back so yes, I feel it's all work and boring, exhausting Groundhog Day day in, day out, so feel exactly the same but older!
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My Dad worked very long hours and had a lot of maintenance to do on the house, garden and stuff but he always took every opportunity to take a trip whilst most of my parents friends would say they'd do things when they retired. As he died before he got to 60 I'm so glad that he had that attitude and it's one I've had too. Our house may be dusty and scruffy, and our furniture old (but comfy) but so what - you can't take it with you when you go, and I'd rather have memories than a new sofa.
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Must admit the thought of working until I'm 67 does not make me feel good. There's no way I can spend 3 hours a day on public transport, work full time and face teenagers at that age so I will have to re appraise what I'm doing at some point.
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All those years we were told we could retire at 60 hey? What a joke. I will be 65 and it's not damned fair.
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I've done jobs I've loved and jobs I haven't, but in the past, even when I had a job I hated, I could do other stuff in the evenings and weekends. Now, I'm doing a job that is alternately boring and stressful, but when I come home, I am so tired, I can't do anything else! Weekends, I sleep and do the bare minimum of housework and food shopping. I think menopause definitely makes a difference. I'm hoping to be able to find a job I enjoy as I know that would be less tiring. But also hoping that I will have more energy once I'm finally post menopausal.
OP, if you don't like your job, try looking for one that is more fulfilling. Meanwhile, try cutting back on the chores to a minimum. And if neither of those things help, hold on to the hope that life is better after menopause!
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The thought of changing jobs now at this age is stressful enough. You haven't got the same ooomph and energy or confidence to put into it and unless you're lucky enough to be able to drop days/hours, it's just too much and let's face it, not many employers would even consider taking on anyone over 55 for a start.
As for feeling better post meno?? I feel worse now than I ever did post meno 8 years! Never had the benefit of HRT though so not sure if that's the difference and now too late :'(
So as they say, when the going gets tough, keep going unfortunately!!
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Bloody nora ladies. I lived 12.000 miles from my family i worked 3 jobs.
Looked after family managed 3 shops after stopped nursing i had no var would be out at 630am home 7pm for 18 years know what i did? Employed a cleaner 1 morning a week.
She did the bathrooms the bedrooms the hoovering polishing changed the beds.
Put the washing on then pinned it out she came Fridays best thing i ever did.
Ok we had no takeaways we didnt have holidays every year but it was worth it.
Theres always time. If there isnt blasted Make it. One life one chance dont waste it.😊
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JustJules - why is it too late ?
I have never enjoyed housework. I would love to have a clean and tidy house. It might feel like a home ::) but we are happy together. When we decide to go out and about we never tell each other we have to do X,Y,Z first - the dust will be here long after we are gone. In fact I think we have Dust Elves that creep out at night ;D.
For years I fought agasint having a dishwasher then we were out and about so often that I caved in - once it's loaded the crockery is out of sight until the machine has done it's work. I also wash up in the sink watching the wild birds on the garden. I haven't ironed (except funereal clothing) for years ::).
When I retired I thought I would have time to put a brush over the tops of the doors, wash floors weekly, hang out curtains twice a year ::) :-X
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As long as my loos are clean and the kitchen food prep area I don't fuss too much. I used to do a lot more cleaning than I do now and I just can't be bothered. My adult kids do their own rooms and always have done including clean sheeting, washing etc.
Son always hoovers for me including stairs and landing which used to take me ages. He empties all the bins too. Daughter does dusting when I tell her. She also does the veg prepping. I mop the kitchen and bathroom floor tiles as I actually like doing that.
I like to do the cooking but then I sit down and everybody else takes over for dishwasher/pots etc.
We were talking about this at knitting group last week actually and several ladies said they had almost given up cooking too. ;D. My friend who works part time as a nurse still has two adult kids living at home and also her husband was made redundant years ago and has never worked since. She says she told them all that she's no longer cooking as she's done it for 38 years for 6 people and she says had enough. Don't blame her!
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Wonder whether her family will step up to the plate PF?
We bought a steam mop for a tenner in an auction last year, one of the best things Himself uses apparently ;)
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Wonder whether her family will step up to the plate PF?
We bought a steam mop for a tenner in an auction last year, one of the best things Himself uses apparently ;)
I think they'll have to .... or starve. ::)
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JustJules - why is it too late ?
CLKD, was told far too post meno to start HRT and not a good idea to start at 60.....not sure whether that is the answer for me anyway, would just like to know! Just can't cope with being so bone weary and exhausted all the time.
SuziQ, I have a friend like you and she just makes me feel even worse with the energy she has!
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Just Jules, I started hrt at 60. I went to see a gynaecologist privately, but she was recommended by my gp. I was desperate as my quality of life was being sucked away. CFS was being suggested at the time. It has really helped, energy wise and symptom wise e.g. Hot flushes and insomnia. But of course there are risks and it is not a cure all. It was an informed choice. The gynaecologist said I was one of those unfortunate to be affected by symptoms long past menopause and that I can carry on 'forever' unless there are health complications. I decided that quality of life was more important than quantity.
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Also JustJules ideas about HRT have altered in the last couple of years so it might be worth while having a chat with your Practice Nurse or GP/s and get an idea as to what is available. One has to think about heart and bone protection too. Quality of Life is my mantra too ;-)
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I imagine like myself reading these replies we realise even though all strangers we are in fact not alone in our thoughts and worries but just like everyone else. Quite normal. X
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Isn't it comforting? Similar and yet we are all unique!
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Ha ha, yes definitely Stellajane - retirement at 60 was for a reason for sure!
Ju Ju/CKLD - I will mention next time I go to GP about HRT again. I was reading up on CFS but not sure I fit a lot of the symptoms though and apparently hard to diagnose.
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It doesn't help that friends the same age as we are have retired. My husband still has to do exams aged 60. (last one was a few weeks ago). Sadly a work colleague of my husband died a few weeks ago aged 47 from a heart attack and a friend aged 62 a few months ago again from a heart attack. Neither had health problems.
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For those of us in our 40s or younger, even retirement at 60 doesn't offer much comfort - that's just over 18 years away from me! :(
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It's funny that since my cancer diagnosis, I've found that I have become much more stoical about the whole " is this it?" thing- when faced with the possibility of slipping off the up escalator sooner, I think the every day becomes much less mundane- I'm lucky in that we retired from our farm early a few years ago so have time to just potter. People ask me if I have plans for things to do- the famous bucket list- and I don't- I just want more of my boring old life ahead of me. I can understand young people wanting to do stuff if they think life is going to be a short one, but at nearly 51, I reckon if I haven't made effort to do it now, do I really want to do it at all?
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I haven't a bucket list other than being able to go out and about without anxiety. I have had to accept that I am un-likely to visit the Italian Lakes ........
I couldn't face exams. at my age ::) ......
I think it depends on how old we feel as opposed to our real age?
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I'm 21 in my head......!
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:rofl: oh I'm 16 :na: but my body doesn't agree and as for that old woman that I see reflected in shop windows, surely that can't be :o :-X
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I find it interesting watching stuff like A Place in the Sun as so many of the buyers seem to have had something bad happen to prompt them to go ahead with their dream. It's like they got permission to go do what they want to do.
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How many actually buy a property? I love those programmes, it's like going on holiday without needing to travel ::)
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I find it interesting watching stuff like A Place in the Sun as so many of the buyers seem to have had something bad happen to prompt them to go ahead with their dream. It's like they got permission to go do what they want to do.
I can see that - I woke up one morning and remembered the thought that had popped into my head as I was coming out of my dream.. Don't wait for others to give you permission to be yourself .. It just happens that doing nothing much and not being ambitious nor living a life at break neck speed like many of my friends is me being myself.
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I can sit back and watch where others are 'going wrong' ::) - a lot of the problem is compensatory culture in that parents work long hours then give the kids everything except time - therefore dashing here and there to fit in out of school activities and they all end up exhausted!